Our upstairs toilet needs to be lifted high above someone’s head (not mine), and hurled into a landfill somewhere. It’s no longer a reliable agent; you never know what you’re going to get with the thing. It’s like a Hitchcock movie, every time.
In fact, it’s strictly a pee-only zone at this point, because nobody wants to risk it. “Turds in the hall” are four words none of us ever want to string together.
I’m sure it’s the original crap-catcher, from when this house was built in 1966. And I shudder at the number of asses that have likely been vacuum-sealed to it since the Johnson Administration. The number of asses… and whatnot.
Plus, the opening in the seat is kinda square, if you know what I mean. Not completely square, but squareish. I’d never seen such a thing… It’s supposed to be a poop-hoop, not like shitting through a window. Ya know?
Toney talked to a plumber we’ve used over the years, and he agreed it’s time for a change. That toilet has nickel and dimed us for years, it’s just one thing after another with it. But the dude has strong opinions…
“Don’t buy any of the garbage they sell at Lowe’s or Home Depot,” he hollered. “You need to go to a real plumbing supply house!”
What the hell? Is he implying that we require an industrial shitter, that a normal-people model won’t work in our case? No, I don’t think so. I think he’s just a plumber with a lot of experience, and knows things.
He told us the model to buy, and it’s made by Kohler. I can’t remember the exact name of it. Maybe the Ticonderoga? Or was it the Enola Gay? I forget, but Toney has it written down somewhere.
We checked it out online, and the thing costs almost $500! It certainly reads like a quality product (bulk flushing!), but it oughta be. Five hundred?! Sweet sainted mother of the red spot on Jupiter!!
But I guess we’d never again have to worry about teenage “Hi-C cans,” huh? That would be a thing of the past, right? I have a feeling the Ticonderoga could handle anything you throw at it. Wow!
I’ll keep you updated on this most important of issues.
While I was driving to work yesterday, I started thinking about those ridiculous folding screens people used to prop against the inside of their windshields, to help keep their cars cool while parked. Remember those things? About five years ago they were incredibly important, and everybody had one. Now I rarely see them.
What happened? Why were they so essential in 2002, but not now? Why did everybody need one, all at the same time, then seemingly gave them up en masse? Well, I’ll tell you why… Click here for the answer.
I went to Hags ‘n’ Fags a few days ago for an “adult cut,” and the woman asked if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed. That’s a straight-up old man procedure, isn’t it? I can’t remember anyone asking that question, until recently.
What’s next? Would you like for me to grease your wattle? I don’t care for any of it…
Speaking of really old, at what age do people start drinking coffee with every meal? I think my parents recently crossed-over, and they’re, like, 67. Is that the correct time period?
I can’t imagine. “Yes, I’ll have a Burrito Supreme, two crunchy tacos, and… a large coffee.” Blecch. You certainly wouldn’t need the Ticonderoga in that situation, because it would be fully liquid.
And since we’re on this pleasant subject… I took a huge risk at work a few nights ago, and drank an Orange Crush.
Back when I had a paper route I learned that any kind of orange-flavored soda caused an instant disturbance in the lower quadrant, and I’d end up doing the knees-together brisk-walk to the bathroom. So, I risked a more than 25-year streak of never crapping at work, by guzzling that thing.
And I’m happy to report that I made it through… I experienced some light gurgling, but was able to tap into an inner strength, and ride-out the storm. Heck, I didn’t even break a sweat.
At this point I’m a seasoned professional, and it’s going to take a whole lot more than just an Orange Crush to break my spirit. I laugh in the face of Orange Crush! Ha!
What food or drink never fails to make you do the brisk-walk? Use the comments link, to bring us up to date on it. Starbucks is very, very dangerous to me. It’s something I avoid, in fact, because of that very reason. It almost always leads to noises like a nearly-empty squeeze bottle. And there’s a time and place for everything…
Heh, Priceline approved me as an advertiser yesterday. After this update, I have a feeling they’ll rescind their offer.
I’m going to stop right here, boys and girls. Tomorrow I’ll zero out the ol’ notebook, so be prepared for another disjointed mess!
I use my windshield shade, too. It makes a difference.
Hey Jeff – How about a smok’n fish windshield shade!!!
Also an environmentally friendly toilet with a #3 for the ladies??? I am always looking for an invention. Any engineers out there? Toilets were probably built by boyz.
Go to Lowe’s, buy a $150 toilet, a wax ring and a crescent wrench.
You can swap out a toilet in less than an hour with no experience. You know the plumber is getting a cut from the supply shop.
Make your father proud!
I use a sunshade all the time in Colorado.
It’s a cheese-rolling AND a wake. Niiiiice. The flyin’ bodies hoopin’ after some prime stank-curdle is high entertainments, eh?
Also nice – combining a cheese-chasing vid with talk of anti-constipators. Only a true master could lead us down that particular rabbit hole. For the record, my cure-all is El Pico coffee done up strong in the dripper. A cupla cups of that hole-borer and it’s ‘honey grab the Oust.’ Sweet satisfaction.
(THIS IS A RE-DO. I farked up my e-mail addy the first time and the commentator-passer doesn’t recognize me)
It’s a cheese-rolling AND a wake. Niiiiice. The flyin’ bodies hoopin’ after some prime stank-curdle is high entertainments, eh?
Also nice – combining a cheese-chasing vid with talk of anti-constipators. Only a true master could lead us down that particular rabbit hole. For the record, my cure-all is El Pico coffee done up strong in the dripper. A cupla cups of that hole-borer and it’s ‘honey grab the Oust.’ Sweet satisfaction.
What a beautifully disjointed mess. That update right there was like ol’ school surf reporting. You’re killing me with that Ticonderoga business.
Chocolate milk can really make my morning glories blossom. On hunting trips, we get up early and go to the diner before heading out. I always order it and then do the quick step back to the room. That way i don’t have to be like a bear and shit in the woods. Works every time.
@ CitizenX…thinking that before I read your post. LOL
Al Bundy liked the Ferguson.
“Not just a toilet… a FERGUSON. The King of bowls!”
“bah-WOOSH!”
I don’t know how much they cost.
espresso = express-o…to “the little room”
anything from applebees. under 10 minutes and i am in bad shape.
also, dead bay birds…if you recall my japan incident from a few years back.
Having read all the comments and agreeing with many I have one thing that has been left out….
We had some left over Fiber One bars in the house a few weeks back and I was going to be late for a meeting. I picked one up and nearly tossed it across the room was so light, so I dug back in for another.
Later that morning, shortly after the meeting began I had one of the bars. Not bad, but still hungry. Being that it was a two hour meeting I decided to pace myself. About an hour later I decide to have the other Fiber One. Within about 10 minutes my stomach started making these sounds that resembled some cut rate action movie sound effect with the damn about to break. After 5 minutes of gurgling rampage, I darted from the conference room and headed for the “private” room. About 5 seconds into the stall there was an explosion that even the guy next to me laughed “holy cow.” By the time I was comfortable walking out my meeting was over by about 10 minutes.
Rule of Thumb: Never have 2 Fiber One bars within a short amount of time, otherwise your 25 year streak will come to an explosive end.
tom in cola… thought the same thing but you must have the Euopean release because my LP cover (circa…what, 68, 69, 70…just guessing when I bought mine) is different.. Yellow background and a drawing similar to what you’re seeing there. You actually have that cover?
fattie 20…..outhouse haiku
alone in the dark
I look out through the carved moon.
I’m done when I’m done.
I am so Lisa Simpson…..
Thanks to my medication EVERYTHING makes me squirt! (Yes…squirt now…)
I swear I’ve lost five pounds in the last month…not even shitting you…heh heh
And the eyebrow thing?
Did someone tell you I accidentally shaved off one of my eyebrows almost completely?
Yep…on my first day back on the job too.
I looked cynical for a week and then it progressed to slightly amused.
It was the language of the eyebrows.
I’ve decided that I need to go get them waxed so I stop making myself look stupid.
I don’t need anymore help with that.
Leanne, on May 28th, 2009 at 6:19 pm Said:
Hey Jeff – How about a smok’n fish windshield shade!!!
… that made me smile.
Great idea. We can
BRING THEM BACK
On vacation last year driving down the coast with my brother in law & his two little girls 6 & 8, we take them down to the pier: candy apples & coke get back to the truck the 6 year old: “I gotta go I gotta go” no one around so 8 year old & I climb in the truck while dad supervises a little pee time at the rear of the vehicle, “Oh my God! ” suddenly yells dad at the top of his lungs as he jumps in the back seat with my neice under his arm GO! GO! GO! I peel out of the parking lot totally confused at the mayhem, until in the rear view mirror I spy a steaming pile that would have made Mike Tyson proud!
Look into a toilet called Toto. Never again will you worry about carpet swamps.
1) Ladies, tampons are not supposed to be flushed. All they do is clog sewer lines. Guys, same thing goes for condoms.
2) Your plumber is getting a cut on that $500 toilet. Don’t be a sucker.
3) Biff is right. My brother (who can’t change a light bulb without causing a major problem) switched his toilet out in 3 hours. It takes normal people about an hour.
4) I got this one. http://products.jacuzzi.com/nd/viewone_07.d2w/description?SCIN=T&SGIN=PERFECTA#
It is chair high. Awesome.
Fettucine Alfredo is a no eat, no-time, no-where for me. Also anything with full fat dairy in it.
Mr. kenju gets his eyebrows trimmed all the time, either by me or the barber. Otherwise he looks like John L. Lewis in the 40’s. Any WV’ians remember him?
Sauerkraut. 10 minutes, and looks unchanged. Must have an E-Z Pass.
The question for me is “what doesn’t get my bowels in an uproar?”
As for toilets….I have 3 Kohlers in the house — one Cimarron (a 2 piece) and two Highlines — and frankly, I’m partial to the Highline. Never had any clogs whatsoever, but the Cimarron occasionally requires the use of a toilet brush, whereas the Highline does not. They were purchased at Home Depot or Lowe’s and cost around $250 each. I recommend the comfort height. (I’m tall and don’t like to feel like I’m squatting on the floor while I’m doing my business, but my brother argues that the squatting factor gives him more leverage.) Also, the elongated bowl allows for better wiping access. Much more comfortable if you plan to be indisposed for a longer period of time.
I replaced all the toilets in my house myself, and I’m a girl no less. Once you can get past the psychological aspect of ripping out the old, dirty, nasty one that has been crapped in for eons, everything else is a piece of cake.
An engineer at my office is from some country that practices voodoo and eats fire. Every once in a while, he brings me the most awesome hot sauce he makes himself. Makes an extra pint container just for me, since I rave about it. Hottest I have ever eaten. Also, best tasting (sometimes the heat overpowers the taste in commercial hot sauces). However, it also makes a fine laxative. Within a half hour, my pipes are clean. Everything else just sits in my gut like a cinderblock.
These topics make life worth living for!
I suffer from a disorder my children lovingly call Japanese Food Syndrome (or JFS). Any time we eat at a Japanese restaurant, I might as well have them pull a toilet up to the tepan table.
Also, boxed au gratin potatoes. No clue why.
@ Funky……..Thanks for the early morning howl. Priceless…AND with a moral to the story! This site has an endless learning curve.
No food, but bookstores and libraries do it to me every time. In fact, I just found this thread http://ask.metafilter.com/19556/Bookstores-the-natural-laxative filled with fellow library evacuators.
Please help us solve this mystery.
I’m as regular as a clock–if a clock crapped four times a day. Great googly moogly I hope and pray to Daffy Duck that I enjoy this regularity for the rest of my life.
A friend was redoing his bathroom and got advice from a contractor as well, who turned him on to the Toto line of shit-catchers. I was skeptical, having never heard of them, but he came on like a jesus freak about them.
I mounted his Toto after a hefty session at Baja Burrito and became a convert. WOW.
When the toilet in our back bathroom (the best throne room in the house) — the previous owner had installed one of these jobbies with some sort of air compressor in the tank that rockets the shit down the tube — started giving up the ghost I did the due diligence on the Toto.
There’s some videos out there of some dudes in white lab coats loading the things up with big bratwurst looking balloons of simulated turd. They couldn’t clog the bastards with anything available to science. Quite impressive.
Anyway, the best thing is that these things cost $200-$300 instead of $500.
Since we upgraded a couple years ago we’ve been unable to even get a gag out of the thing, much less a choke. And I’ve personally created some scale models of Mt. Fuji down in that little terrarium.
The seat’s comfy. A great reading room, whether you prefer to hunch it down or sit like a cubicle gopher.
Enjoy
I just bought the Desert Thunder model toilet with the optional auto-dispensing moon-floss dispenser and foot massage. Works great!
LMFAO @ mountie9wv’s comment ! E-Z Pass…..CLASSIC !
This collection of comments deserves a place in the Hall of Fame, if only for the nod to EZ Pass…
I bought a condo recently that came with 3 Toto toilets. Awesome and quite uncloggable, even with my 13 year old son’s best efforts, which are Herculean.
And yes, Jeff, a toilet changeout is easy and fast. It looks as though the folks here could talk you through it if there were any problems.
Interesting that this topic came up – I was at my son’s middle school last night and had to take my younger boy to use the facilities. The floor of the “boys” room was flooded by the standups, so we had to use one of the 3 stalls. The bowl in stall #1 was full of piss and TP, the bowl in stall #2 (ha ha) had a triple-size Lincoln Log in it with NO TP – that poop looked like something otherworldly and scary – it was literally sticking up on its end out of the bowl, daring you to come near it. We finally got a reasonably clean place to pee in Stall #3. What a freakin’ nightmare.
your plumber doesnt get a cut of lowes…thats why he thinks they suck. Go there and buy a throne and install it yourself. A real man would.
@Rick – my mother has two of those super-sonic rocket crappers, and I contemplated getting one myself until I thought about how there is no surreptitious waste elimination in the middle of the night unless you opt not to flush until the morning. Those things are shockingly loud, but I suppose you might learn to block it out if you have a house full of people and the toilet sees a lot of action.
I love it when my mother fails to warn guests and they come out of the lavatory looking shell-shocked. Once in a while, the flush is accompanied by an audible gasp or a scream louder than the sound of the toilet. Priceless entertainment, but I keep telling my mother she needs to have old people sign a waiver before they go in.
Toto is the way to go. Thing will flush a dozen golf balls. I have the dual flush in the main BA and it’s awesome. Tried to save pennies w/ american standard from HD for basement BA and it is worthless. Will swap American Standard for Toto soon.
If you don’t get the dual flush or the crazy electronic one, the toto isn’t a bad deal.