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Our Single Most Memorable Thanksgivings Ever, And A Few Other Semi-Related Items

November 24, 2017 By Jeff 36 Comments

How’d it go? Did everybody survive OK? Our Thanksgiving 2017 was fairly kick-back. I still have this life-sucking cold, so I did about 20% more couch wallowing than I usually do. But our dinner was nice, with all four of us sitting around the table together, and Andy begging like a champion. Wonder how many more of those there will be? That exact configuration? There are certainly things to be thankful for.

I was in charge of the mashed potatoes, and here’s my secret: shitloads of butter. I mean, just an enormous amount… I get nothing but praise for my taters. We also had a 14 pound turkey, a gift from my employer, and it was excellent. Toney quarters apples and onions and puts ’em up the ass of that thing, and it always comes out great. The whole feast was excellent.

I flipped through the massive stack of ads that came with the newspaper yesterday, and didn’t see anything I can’t live without. I’m pretty well-stocked in the gadgetry/computer department, and our TVs are good. So, there was nothing for me. What about you? Did you fistfight your way through a mob this morning, to get a deal on a salad spinner or something? Any Black Friday must-haves? Please tell us about it, won’t you?

I like how every store uses the phrase “doorbuster.” Like, “underwear doorbuster.” Are people literally kicking the glass out of doors to get at those $2-off Hanes? Whatever. I suggest everybody just buy from Amazon, immediately after clicking through one of our links. I received a package from them today. Some aging hippie brought it straight to our front door. I didn’t have to get into a karate stance in the middle of a Target, or wrestle a woman named Tina in a 4X Flashdance shirt. I highly recommend it. Just remember our links! Very important. Simply click through one of them, and shop as normal. Thank you guys.

Oh, and the River Rats apparently won the 69th annual Commode Bowl in Dunbar. I’m sure many of you were wondering. Check out the news report here. I lived on both sides of the tracks during my 22 years there: the river side and the hill side. So, I don’t have any hardcore allegiances. But, congrats to the Rats!

I need to get ready for work. But I’ll leave you with a fairly generic Question: What is your single most memorable Thanksgiving, and why? One pops immediately to my mind. It happened during the California years, when we drove to Reno to spend Thanksgiving with Sunshine and Mumbles, and Toney’s brother. It was memorable for the following reasons:

We left at some ungodly hour, maybe like 6 am or something. I felt drugged, and was having some kind of out o’ body experience while driving. For some reason we listened to a radio program that featured people calling in asking advice on how to cook a turkey. For hours, it seems. “What about brining?” they kept asking. Oh, there was a lot of hot brining talk. I’m not sure why we didn’t pop in a CD. I think we were just partially paralyzed, and unable to undertake such a giant task.

Once we were in Reno we were sent to the store to pick up something, like dinner rolls or whatever. Toney suggested we walk, and it felt like we could be murdered at any time. Wotta shitty neighborhood! I’m no expert on that town, but don’t have a high opinion of it. It’s probably unfair, but that’s fine with me. There were questionable people slinking around in wife-beaters, etc. Shithole.

During dinner Toney’s brother suddenly stood up, excused himself, and went into the bathroom that was about five feet from the dining room table. Then we heard a super-loud assplosion that seemed to go on for quite some time, followed by several aftershocks. Nobody commented, and when he returned he just said, “Could somebody pass the stuffing?” or whatever. I guess he freed up some room?

On our drive back to the Los Angeles area we got stuck in the mother of all traffic jams. Cars were completely turned off on the interstate, and people were out throwing footballs around, making sandwiches, etc. I saw some guy over on the median just pissing, right out in the open, in a high arc. He didn’t try to get behind anything, he was just peeing right there, amongst trapped motorists who spanned the entire age, race, and socioeconomic spectrum. I have to admit, I was impressed by the distance and height he was able to achieve. I could’ve gone without seeing his wang, however.

And I need to call it a day, my friends. It’s late, as usual. Please tell us about your single most memorable Thanksgiving, if you’re so inclined. Use the comments section. Then go get all liquored up and buy a bunch of expensive shit through the Surf Report links! Yeah. These are merely suggestions, of course. I’m not the boss of you.

Oh, and one more sad, sad thing: RIP Tommy Keene. He wasn’t well known, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t great. This news made me go ugh. I think I literally made that sound when I read it. Thanks for all the great music, Tommy!

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. doug2 says

    November 24, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    first ?

    Reply
    • Doug says

      November 24, 2017 at 2:31 pm

      Apparently. Good name you got there

      Reply
  2. Joe T. says

    November 24, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    You haven’t used “assplosion” in quite some time! It’s good to have it back.

    Reply
    • AngryWhiteGuy says

      November 24, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      I use that every day. It grosses out my Mexican sous chef. He also doesn’t like it when I show him phone photos of it.

      Reply
      • Chuck in Belpre says

        November 24, 2017 at 8:24 pm

        Tell him to suck it up or his ass is on the next bus to Oaxaca.

        Reply
  3. Limey says

    November 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    A foreigner’s thoughts on Thanksgiving. It is a good holiday, one of the better ones. Minimal build up, minimal religion, no gift exchanging… just take some time off, eat and drink too much, talk with some people you’re generally OK with, slump on the sofa.

    It could be improved by getting rid of the turkey and replacing it with ham or beef. Is anyone’s favorite meat *really* turkey? Turkey is fine in a pot pie or club sandwiches but that’s about it (I have 2 turkeys to turn into pies and sandwiches over the next few weeks). I note the lack of people roasting turkeys at other times of the year.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 24, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      Good Lord a’mighty. How in fuck’s name did you end up with two leftover turkeys? Were you feeding the entire US contingent of the Arsenal F.C. fan club? I took home a leg and was happy for that. I’m quite a fan of the dark meat. And it is nice to get a non-native’s perspective.

      I guess you guys don’t celebrate the arrival of the Vikings.

      John

      Reply
      • Limey says

        November 24, 2017 at 7:17 pm

        I phrased that badly. I ate someone else’s turkey yesterday, and this week I picked up 2 free turkeys (grocery store points), one frozen, one fresh. The fresh one will be turned into club sandwiches and a pot pie soon, the frozen one can wait until I’ve forgotten how boring turkey is. It sounds like I need to relocate to the South for Thanksgiving.

        I hadn’t really considered the Vikings. There should be a holiday for the 1066 Norman invasion, and perhaps one for the commoner’s brief victory at Runnymede. We do celebrate a nice Catholic torture on Guy Fawkes Night (11/5).

        Arsenal fans are mainly vegetarians who enjoy kale and quinoa while playing with each others bottoms.

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          November 25, 2017 at 4:47 am

          I ask about the Vikings partly because I think Boris Johnson claims to be a direct descendent of Eric Bloodaxe, much as Trump claims to be Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Both ideas involve exorbitant stretches of the imagination, but we all need to keep our muscles loose.

          jtb

          Yeah, I know humour is discouraged.

          Reply
          • Limey says

            November 25, 2017 at 9:53 am

            Despite the plummy accent Boris is one of yours. Born in New York.

            It amazes me how many claim to be descended from noteworthy people. The number of people who can trace their ancestry back to the Mayflower – that ship must have been the size of Cuba. Pretty sure all my ancestors were covered in mud and shit when they weren’t working in a mine.

            Reply
            • chill says

              November 25, 2017 at 6:00 pm

              I too am an Ugly New Yorker, but I believe we should at least not go out of our way to reinforce the stereotype.

              Reply
            • johnthebasket says

              November 26, 2017 at 2:43 pm

              T. S. Eliot.

              Reply
              • chill says

                November 26, 2017 at 8:43 pm

                Gesundheit.

                Reply
    • m says

      November 24, 2017 at 5:18 pm

      I don’t know about the rest of the country, but in the south ham usually appears on most tables at Thanksgiving. In fact, our family doesn’t eat turkey at all, just chicken and dressing (southern version of stuffing) and ham. I’m neutral on the subject of turkey.

      Reply
  4. Darb says

    November 24, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    Tommy Keene was good people. He opened for the Replacements once and humored me as I drunkenly engaged him in a conversation after his set. When I offered to buy him a drink, he politely said, “No, thank you,” and walked away.

    That’s all I have for the wake.

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      November 25, 2017 at 12:11 am

      From the Washington Post: The Bittersweet Brilliance of Tommy Keene: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/the-bittersweet-brilliance-of-tommy-keene/2017/11/24/c7ea50d2-d129-11e7-81bc-c55a220c8cbe_story.html?utm_term=.b1dfd7f956da

      Reply
  5. revashanes says

    November 24, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    We vacationed for Thanksgiving a few times. Once in Mexico we were driving in the jungle looking for some ruins we could climb on. Hubster nailed a pot hole and blew out 2 tires. Stranded in the jungle. We survived. Another we went to NYC with hopes of seeing the parade. Our hotel was on the parade route and and we didnt even know it. Was so damn cold I stayed in the room and watched the parade while sitting in the window (old building with thick walls). I fell backwards out the window onto the fold out couch. I was sore for days. So much weird shit has happened to us on vacations that we’ve come to expect it and are disappointed if we go unscathed.

    Reply
  6. AngryWhiteGuy says

    November 24, 2017 at 5:47 pm

    Couple tree years ago, thanksgiving at mom in laws was always eventful. Now estranged child bride never ate at these events but drank enough for ten people. Wouldn’t eat, but stood in a corner drinking for hours. Outside there was always a firepit and about ten of us were hanging out there. Heard a huge crash and drunky had smashed a glass framed picture over her sisters head. They had a disagreement over my wife’s lack of participation. I’m still invited there. Estranged is not, for holidays

    This decimation of American Indian day was great. Went to Lakeland and met my girlfriends parents for the first time after five months of violating their daughter. They loved me.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 25, 2017 at 3:48 am

      I certainly hope they were moving violations. (See also: Allen, Woody.)

      jtb

      Reply
  7. Sidney says

    November 24, 2017 at 6:41 pm

    2007 Thanksgiving, Baghdad. PSD for VIP’s at the JVB. Spent all day and most of the
    night with John McCain, Joe Lieberman, and Lindsey Graham. Lindsey (he said I could
    call him that) gave us bags of peanuts. That seemed strange. I got turkey and stuffing,
    and was thankful. In fact, the smoking fish was there. There is proof in the bunker.
    Peace

    Reply
  8. chill says

    November 25, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Probably my most memorable Thanksgiving was the year I did my first hosting. I had my parents, some other family, some friends – about 20 people in all.

    I deep-fried a turkey for the first time, and it came out fantastic. My 76-year-old dad said it was the best turkey he’d ever had. I made a bunch of “classic” sides – and the pumpkin cheesecake! – all 100% homemade.

    A sleazebag acquaintance invited himself at the last minute, and proceeded to hit on my “girlfriend.” The hitting was irrelevant, but that whole thing did not end well.

    Some good and bad parts, but certainly memorable. I ended up hosting for the next several years until my parents decided they were not going to travel anymore. Some of the perennial attendees are now dead, and I’ve pretty much lost enthusiasm for the event. I do still love to cook, and I’ll happily whip up something good for somebody else’s event.

    Reply
  9. icecycle66 says

    November 26, 2017 at 12:22 pm

    Sorry Jeff and everyone, but i’m calling all acquaintances, friends, friends of friend, nice people who are out there.

    There is a high probability that I will be moving to the Baltimore-DC area in the next couple months.
    I’ve never lived in this area before and I’m not sure what I’m getting into.

    Is there anybody out there that can help me with this transition?

    Reply
    • chill says

      November 26, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      I’ve lived in the DMV for 30 years, although I’m not from here. Some key points: there’s a huge diversity of people and food. Housing, restaurants and bars are expensive compared to most other places in the US. The traffic is retarded godawful bad; when planning a move, be mindful of what your commute is going to be. Summers are long, hot and humid. Winters are brief and mild.

      For example, there is an abundance of good Vietnamese and Thai food around here. A craft beer in a bar will be $8 or so. My commute is 25 miles, and I’m happy if it takes less than an hour. Air conditioning is not optional.

      Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        November 26, 2017 at 9:58 pm

        I’m most fearful of the commute.

        Reply
        • revashanes says

          November 27, 2017 at 6:31 am

          I lived there many years ago, the ’90’s. Dont be fearful of the commute, you wont be going fast enough to get into trouble. Go there and kick ass!! Explore and take advantage of all the free museums and the zoo! Walk the Mall and say “Ahhh, I live here”.

          Reply
  10. Basket O' Deplorables says

    November 26, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    2016 Thankful that Trump is our president and not Crooked Cankles.

    Reply
    • squawvalleyskip says

      November 27, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      Can I get an AMEN? The whole country dodged a catastrophe there, in spite of what some of our more intellectually (and apparently morally) challenged countrymen would have us think.

      Reply
      • Ed says

        November 27, 2017 at 9:49 pm

        100% Agree. You’re not alone.

        Reply
      • Wisey in Ttown says

        November 27, 2017 at 9:54 pm

        Amen but can we refrain from mentioning anything political here? I like to come here and get away from all that stuff. Plus the thought of those crusty ass cankles makes me sick.

        Reply
        • Ed says

          November 28, 2017 at 12:16 am

          Yes, political commentary (or jibes) don’t belong here. You can certainly find it elsewhere.

          Reply
          • squawvalleyskip says

            November 28, 2017 at 7:32 pm

            Strangely almost no one says anything when the resident President basher posts his regular whiny political comments. I agree politics doesn’t belong here, and if we could ALL agree then there wouldn’t be any need for either point of view here. But the butt-hurt can’t seem to leave it alone, so once in a while (and a lot less a while, I might add) someone from the other spectrum will voice their own opinion. Why don’t we all agree to leave it alone, and not try to hide a bullshit political rant behind some bullshit excuse for a post.

            Reply
  11. dto says

    November 26, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    @Icey………You’re at Hauchuga if I remember correctly which is there at Benson, Az. I pass by there often. I’ve stayed at the Love’s at exit 302 on I-10, many times. Cold Coors beer and nice showers after a day of staring out the windshield. My kinda country. Big change from desert and 5000 people to… holy fuck there’s concrete and there’s over three million people around here. I’d guess you are moving up in terms of your career. That is a plus. Benson is somewhat limited in that respect. If your sights are on career you’ll be fine and deal with where you will be. You are young enough to handle it……me?….no fucking way. Wish you my best icecycle66.

    Reply
    • dto says

      November 26, 2017 at 7:18 pm

      Check out Silver Springs, MD if you end up in DC.

      Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      November 26, 2017 at 8:03 pm

      Correct on all counts. Thanks, man.

      Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      November 26, 2017 at 10:00 pm

      Also, that Loves has the best chicken tenders.

      Hit me up through the contact page on my website next time you are in the Benson area.

      Reply
  12. Jason says

    November 28, 2017 at 2:24 pm

    My girlfriend came down with the flu on Saturday after going black Friday shopping. My guess is that they had the flu 50% off at Target and she probably bought 3 or 4 flu viruses. I’m worried about accepting anything from her at Christmas.

    Reply

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