On Saturday we went to a cookout, with people I barely know. It had something to do with the older Secret’s swim team, but not the full team, just a sliver of it. Who the hell knows? When it starts to get confusing like that, I commence to daydreaming about corndogs.
But I was dreading the shindig all day. I’m not really a chitchat kinda guy, and was afraid I’d be the only unfamiliar face, and therefore the center of too much attention. Not really a fan…
And, as is so often the case, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had it pictured. Everyone was nice, there was beer, and the food was good. Why do I always imagine a complete disaster? It’s always horrible in my head, with me saying something stupid that causes tears and/or fist fights, etc. Oh well.
A few random notes from the evening:
I ate something called a sausage burger. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I hadn’t. It looked like a hamburger patty, but was, in fact, some sort of sausage. Very tasty, but greasy.
The two slices of melted cheese on top probably conspired with the patty to shave twelve hours off the back-end of my life, but what do I care? I mean, seriously. At an awkward cookout in some stranger’s backyard, you’ve gotta live for today, maaan.
It was a BYOB event, and we contributed 12 Saranac Pale Ales to the community chest. One or two guys had them, but not many. Most opted for the Coors Light, and the Miller Lite, and other beers made for people who don’t really like beer.
After it was over Toney whispered, “Should we take our Saranacs home with us, or would that be too Costanza?” You can probably guess how I handled that situation. Two bottles clanked together in my Wal-Mart bag as we were saying our goodbyes…
Is it wrong to take your rejected beers home with you?
A little five year old girl, who I’d never met in my life, kept poking my gut, like I’m the Pillsbury Doughboy. Every time she walked past, she pushed her right pointer finger into my stomach.
Toney thought this was a riot, which only exacerbated the situation. I saw some guy snickering behind a brownie the size of a deck of cards.
A woman kept starting all her statements with “Not for nothing, but…” The more margaritas she polished off, the more she said it.
And what the hell does it mean, anyway? Not for nothing? I don’t understand what those three words mean, when strung together. Can someone help me out, please?
I now have roughly five thousand mosquito bites on my arms and legs. And there’s one on a part of my body I could only see if I were to stand naked on a mirror. Which rarely happens…
There was a big Marmaduke-style dog there, foraging for food and wandering around freely. A couple of girls, probably twelve years old, started playing with it in the back yard, and things got out of control.
The hound was getting all worked-up, and kept trying to hump the girls. The owner knocked the thing away every time, but was trying to keep it quiet, and unnoticed by the oblivious adults.
But I kept watching, and was starting to get mildly concerned. I mean, that thing was determined. And the last couple of times the dog was shoved away, it walked around hump-backed for a few minutes, like an upside-down U.
Nothing good was going to come from this…
And finally, one of the girls was standing in the middle of Adult Circle, asking her mother something — when the Perverted Marmaduke came charging out of nowhere. He jumped up on the girl, wrapped his front legs around her, and started going to town like it was prom night. Right there, in front of everyone.
The dog was roughly the same height as the horrified sixth grader, and I heard someone scream, “JESUS CHRIST!” Lawn chairs turned over, people came running from every direction, and someone knocked the hound ass-over-tits.
It slunk away all hump-backed and aroused, and another person said, “Oh dear God in heaven…”
And I know it’s probably not the most mature reaction in the world, but I couldn’t stop laughing for ten solid minutes. I had to take a walk around the property, so I could laugh with my back to the crowd.
I think it was the “JESUS CHRIST!” that sent me over the edge, for some reason.
First- Really??
doohh!
You have every right to take your beers with you. When we, on the rare occasion, get invited to pot-luck dinners, I, without hesitation, pack up our remaining food when we leave. Better that I eat it later than it getting tossed or given to someone else.
I find that “JESUS CHRIST!!” is always a good ice-breaker or laugh getter at a social event. Especially if a guy with long hair and a beard wals in while you are saying it.
My daughter pokes my gut in the same manner- just to remind me that I am overweight. I then reming her that she is five years old and cannot ride a bike like the rest of her friends.
Did you know- (repeat from Friday, I still can’t believe I have never noticed the resemblance before) The Cousin Vicki in Nat’l Lampoons Vacation (Daddy says I am the best!), which for some unexplicable reason has been changed to “Daddy says I am a scientist!” on the TBS version, is the same person now on 30 Rock (Jenna) all growed up?
On IPOD right now- “Murder by Numbers”- The Police
YES!
Top ten. I feel so special.
http://halfdillo.blogspot.com/2009/07/geek-humor-viva-la-resistance.html
That’s a timely update, Jeff, as the Beast goes in for his nut-ectomy tomorrow (against Mr. Knucklehead’s wishes, of course) so that we don’t have a repeat of that scene at our house. He’s 135 lbs and will be two years old August 21st. I think it’s time…
I always take the dish (if there was one) from the things I bring to a pot-luck, but leave the food. I don’t know why, that’s just what I do. Anything else (booze, etc.) stays (unless Mr. Knucklehead notices, and then it comes with us).
Happy Monday, Surfers!
First of all, if you just took two, those would fall under the category of road beers and is perfectly acceptable.
Not for nothing but none the less, if you grabbed more than two of “YOUR Saranacs” I feel you were merely rescuing them from being drank by some worthless relative the host doesn’t really care for who drops in six months from now and fishes them out of the far corner of the fridge.
Never cared for the community trough style of BYOB even though I’ve only seen it once in Wilmington, NC. Much rather carry in my own cooler and keep it close. I carried out my extra Stone Pale Ales from a family reunion Saturday without batting an eye, fukkum!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
I believe “not for nothing” is equivalent to “for what it’s worth”.
…I’m just sayin’
If I bring beer or other alcohol to a party, and there’s some left when I’m ready to leave, I usually ask the host:
“Will you drink this if I leave it, or should I take it with me?”
More times than not, the host tells me to take it with me.
If I bring food, I always leave the leftovers there.
I should not read these things at work. I think I hurt myself trying not to bust out at the JESUS CHRIST portion. Jesus Christ.
When I host a shindig I have a rule: take what you brought. I don’t want y’all leaving your crap at my house – that means more work for me.
So really, you were doing them a favor.
Here’s my take on the etiquette dilemma:
If you’re bringing booze to a party as a “housewarming” type of gesture, then the booze becomes the property of the host, and it would be highly disrespectful to take your “gift” back when you leave.
But if the shindig is advertised as a “BYOB” event (as you said this one was), then you have Brought YOUR OWN Bottle(s) to the party, and they remain YOUR OWN throughout and to the end, and therefore you have every right to bring YOUR OWN bottle(s) back home with you if they are not consumed at the winging.
(Re: Marmaduke — Sometimes I feel the same way when I’m around 12-year-old girls.)
Yum, sausage burger… there’s a sports bar called Central City Tavern here in Atlanta that serves a burger called the andouille burger (like andouille sausage). The burger patty is ground beef and sausage meat mixed together. It’s a little bit spicy and very juicy (or fatty, however you want to look at it).
I probably eat one of these burgers about once a week, and I’m sure I’ll lose a year off my life for this habit… but I’m fine with that.
I meant “wingding,” not “winging.”
Generally when my friends host “BYOB” parties, the assumption is that you drink what you brought and leave everything else alone. If you are offered something, you are welcome to take 1 such drink, but it does not mean “help yourself”…unless specifically stated. If you run out, feel free to ask for donations but don’t be insulted if turned down. Usually someone will be making a cigarette run soon, you can go with them and get yourself more beer.
I avoid beer in a can…usually drink some sort of festive mexican beer like Corona or Modelo or DosEquis. It pisses me off when someone isn’t happy with their own $8 12-pack of Miller or Bud so they help themselves to my $8 6-pack of Coronas. I even bring my own limes and bottle opener with me and store it all in my own little monogrammed cooler, NOT in the community fridge. Get your grubby paws out of my cooler and off my damn beer.
Since it stays in my cooler, I have no issue bringing any leftovers home with me.
As for food…I often find at potlucks that the hosts begs you to take not only your leftovers home, but also some of their provided food. I’ve left with more food than I brought several times.
Whether or not to take home your unwanted quality beers is quite a dilemma. A first glance it seems rude, but then it’s possible you’re saving them from being tossed out following a 2 year sentence at the back of the fridge. I say take ’em home and enjoy them as God intended.
The people who choose a Miller/Bud/Coors over a real beer (i.e. people who like the idea of being a beer drinker but don’t actually like beer) remind me of the people you see on glorious summer days driving their convertible cars (normally Toyota Solaras and BMWs, for some reason) with the roofs up – i.e. people who like the *idea* of a convertible but don’t like the reality.
Jeez, run on sentence alert.
Hey, if I bring something to a party. It belongs to the host once I present it to them. I don’t want it back. Of course when I bring food, it never last the whole party. It’s not my fault I know how to cook, blame my grandmother, rest her soul! Jeezum crow Jeff, your a tight wad.
Oh, that doe not include the date. Alright, I thought so…
I used to know a guy that would bring the cheapest beer available and while at the party he would drink all of the best beer that was there. When he left he would take the beer he brought with him.
The next time those people with the dog have a party they should get a block of cheese for the dog to screw.
The best way to solve the beer question is to drink them all.
Seriously am i the only one alarmed at swami bologna’s apparent attraction for 12 year old girls?? dude- ew!
great update jeff. i too always envision the worst possible scenario when going to parties where i don’t know anyone. i have found that beer helps a lot.
if you took back some miller lite or something then yes you may have appeared cheap or rude but beer that no body drank but you guys i would think nothing of that.
Around my neck of the woods BYOB means drink what you brought and the leftovers are yours to take home. That being said I generally leave open bottles/cases. I feel like a douche claiming 4 beers from the fridge, plus I drive a van and if I get pulled over technically any singles and open bottles are considered “accessible to the driver”. Most cops realize that bottles shoved in the back are not a problem, but every so often you run into that one prick who’ll jam you up.
Bunker cam – I know that family, They live next door to me. Nice folks, they have a big dog and always have cookouts. The serve sausage burgers, corndogs and plenty of cold beer. I think they named the baby Jesus.
TILLY: How do you know I’m not a 13-year-old boy?
Am I the only person who thinks the “Chef Stack” thing in Further Evidence is the most awesome kitchen appliance ever? Seriously: plug it in, load it, hit start, and it makes pancakes until either your esophagus backs up or it runs out of batter!
@Tyrosine-I was thinking the same thing. I can also see it making a guest appearance on the “Simpsons”.
@Lew in Bama-Amen!
@ Shiny Rod:
Is this the same dude from the Bunker Cam:
http://www.fugly.net/g5/6012.html
or
http://www.fugly.net/g6/1956.html
Big fan of the sausage burger. I will make burgers out of brats all the time, just peel back the casing, form into a patty and cook.
When we have a function, any beer that is left behind by guests (which my husband or I would not drink) becomes “brat” beer in the summer, or “chili” beer in the winter. Taking them with you probably just gave them 2 less beers to use in cooking.
If it’s BYOB, then TYOB (Take Your Own Bottle). No problem. I had a birthday party for my boyfriend at our house recently. We supplied the beer for the natives. It was BYOB if you wanted liquor….and many did. Most pot-luck dish type parties we go to…there is rarely anything left. Everyone eats like they have an hour to live. So what’s leftover isn’t worth schleppin’ home.
Jeff… I have a similar dog humping story:
A few years ago a bunch of us rode to a friend’s family picnic. Endless food, beer, homemade wine, kids, dogs…the whole works. A couple little girls about 6 years old would run up this hill by the pavillion and lay down in the grass and roll back down. (We always did that as kids. Get up real dizzy, walking up the hill like drunken sailors and do it again.)
Someone brought their lab/retriever mix dog that was a little too rambunctious. Catching a frisbee wasn’t enough…He saw these girls rolling down the hill and chased after them. He catches up to one of them..on her….looking like he’s rolling a log on the river…she hits the chain link fence at the bottom of the hill and he starts humping her…hotter than new love. She fights him off, kicking and screaming bloody murder. Each time she gets up, he would knock her right back down without missing a beat…(or hump, in this case). People were running like the Taliban was crossing the state line…. I, like you, could not contain my laughter. Priceless entertainment. And, BTW…she was not hurt, just a little wet…heh
I am of the vein that I always bring my own cooler. That way no feelings are hurt when i leave with the beer i did not consume knowing I had to drive my ass home. Food can stay. I do not need any more leftovers in my fridge.
Leftover booze at a party??
I’ve never let…er…seen that happen before.
I’m originaly from St. Albans, WV where the top drunks in the world are trained.
All the hype about WVU being the top party school in the 80’s was due to a large percentage of St. Albans students.
Seeins’ how food has been brought into the mix, when you go to a pot luck and if your food is not up to Shiney Rods quality and you find yourself with some leftovers, what do you do with them if you want to take your serving dish home? Is it acceptable to find a clean space on the kitchen counter and pile it up there? Just wondering?
I usually just bring chips so I don’t get to excited about leaving them behind. $2.99 easy come easy go!
Jeff, you couch a large ego in low self esteem. Never give yourself as much credit for causing any kind of fist fight, etc. as you seem to give yourself. NO ONE is that important.
prevent bugbites… spray legs and arms with listerine… minty. was recommended by a friend, thought she was crazy… but seems to work.
@ Tyrosine – I told you we have like minds. Healthy panackes make sense to me although I have taken panacakes off my diet for the time being. Quick cooking secret: In pancake batter that requires water, use club soda instead. The carbonation makes the batter light and fluffy. Also works good for waffles.
There’s nothing wrong with taking your items, whatever they may be with you when you leave. When I have gatherings and ask people to bring things, I expect them to take them home with them. What’s most irritating is when people don’t want to take their stuff with.
OMG, I would’ve been right with you laughing about the dog! You paint quite a picture with that scene. While horrible for the girl, it sounds like a cartoon with the adults.
@ WB in OH – Aluminum makes the world go round. Unless of course its chili or gumbo.
@ Shiny Rod,
I checked out that site in more detail and it looks like you have to use their pre-mixed batter, but I still think that awesome.
Thanks, I’ll try your soda water idea this weekend. I used to add a bit of yeast to the milk about an hour before cooking pancakes. It does basically the same thing.
Dear Miss Manners:
Whenever I am invited to a BYOB social event (backyard BBQ, etc), I usually bring a small can of gasoline to huff. I am not addicted to gas-huffing, just a social huffer. At the end of such social events, I always bring the can home with me. Is this wrong? should I ask the host/hostess if they would like to keep the rest of the gas in the can to top off the gas tank of the family sedan?
Thanks in advance for the advice!
With the smell of kibble on his breath and the remenant of a half eaten sausage burger he took me into his powerful paws.
I was scared at first, but his strong embrace reassured me and I knew that today I would become a woman.
@ swami bologna- good point!!!
Gentle Reader,
Protocol at BYOB events can be ever so tricky to get correct. So much varies from one area of the country to the next. When in doubt it is always best to offer your host or hostess leftover gasoline than to slink away with out offering. By all means do not just pour it into the family sedan, you never know, it may just be diesel powered and that would most certainly be embarrassing.
As for BYOB, it depends on the party. My friends in St. Louis it’s usually a leave your beer you brought kind of affair since you’ll be back next week to drink it. We had a pretty good system of beer communism going on there. However there was the occaisional shitfuck who would do one of the following:
Not bring beer but drink all yours.
Bring beer and drink your and then take his.
I have one guy in mind for that and my ex girlfriend married him. Serves them both right.
Leaving your good beer with people who drink Coors-, Bud-, or Miller Lite is casting your pearls before swine. Gather up your pearls, but don’t be obvious about it. I recommend that you always wear sweatpants to a BBQ at a stranger’s house. The elastic at the bottom keeps your reclaimed bottles from sliding out as you slowly make your way to your car. Do not be tempted to beat a hasty retreat since the sound of the bottles clanking will only draw attention to your fully-loaded pants.
I ran into the beer problem a few weeks ago. BYOB party, there was a huge tub of ice in the back yard for everyone to toss their beer into. I brought a 12 pack of Yuengling. I noticed there were 3 left at the end of the night, floating near the top. So as my wife went around saying her goodbyes I stood there and “shot gunned” the last 3 beers I brought. I think that’s a good way to avoid looking rude by hauling them to the car when you leave.
Here’s a nice party trick – next time you’re at a cookout and there’s some dog running around with his red thing out, push him to the ground and dry hump his ribs. This usually works better after you’ve “shot gunned” your last 3 beers.
I’ve never had a sausage burger but I have had a bacon burger. It’s made by grinding sliced bacon and forming the meat into patties. It’s very good.
As far as I know “not for nothing” doesn’t mean a damn thing.
MMMMM…Ground bacon, better cook that on a non flare up grill!
It’s not bottles clanking that draw attention to my fully loaded pants.
I have a “beer vest” that I wear to parties. I think it was designed as a hunting vest. It holds 11 beers. It’s much less awkward to walk away with your own beers when they’re strapped to your chest like sticks of dynamite.