For years my mother has told me she wants me and my brother to go through the stuff she removed from my grandmother’s house, and take what we want. She had some things set aside that she thought we might be interested in, and I always mumbled “OK,” knowing the day was safely off in some murky, ambiguous future.
But while we were in WV this past weekend, that day finally arrived. I was required to root through boxes of old stuff, and get all sad about my departed grandmother again. Fantastic.
She was one of those rare people who never had a negative word to say about anyone, and was pure good, as far as I could tell. She was a great cook, a real friend, and always there. Going through her belongings and dredging-up the feelings of loss again wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. But I had no choice in the matter, not really.
And, shockingly enough, it turned out to be kinda fun… I kept shouting, “Oh god, I remember that!” and “Holy crap!!” while Toney dozed-off in the background, from sheer boredom.
I think my mom wanted me to cart most of it away, but I only took a few small sentimental things. Some of the stuff was off-limits, because she wanted my brother to have it (I’m not sure how this was decided), but I think she was hoping I’d take the rest.
For instance, my grandfather’s copy of the Warren Report. What would I do with such an item? Seriously. I’ll tell you what I’d do with it… I’d take it from one of my parents’ closets, transport it to Pennsylvania, and put it inside one of our closets. I didn’t really see the logic in such an exercise.
Oh, well.
I did make one excellent score, though. Check it out. That thing has an interesting history, which I’ll tell you guys about at a later date. Plus, I love old radios, old time radio shows, and all that stuff. If there was ever an item CRYING OUT to be included in the Bunker Collection, that’s it. And now it is home.
Do you have any stories to tell about sorting through a departed family member’s belongings? Was anything interesting or surprising found? Tell us about it in the comments.
On Saturday we went to Carter Caves, in Kentucky. We went years ago, and it was pretty cool. On the previous visit we walked through some large caverns, saw an underground lake, etc. It was a good time, and somebody suggested we return on this visit.
However… there was a long wait until the next tour for the big caverns was supposed to start, and nobody wanted to hang around for it. Well, nobody but me, anyway. I mean, what else were we going to do? Go back to my parents’ house and watch even more HGTV?
But whatever… I was overruled, and it was decided we’d tour something called X-Cave, instead. It was described as “narrow passage,” and I didn’t care for the sounds of that, not one tiny bit. I was afraid I might get inside that shit, have some kind of claustrophobic freak-out, and throw myself into the “Devil’s Anus” bottomless pit, or something.
Indeed, after the guide opened the steel gate at the front of the cave, and we entered that smelly hole, I was fearing the worst. The ceiling was really low, and kept getting lower. I thought we were going to have to crawl through there, but it finally got a little taller.
We had to walk single-file, though, and my gut was brushing up against 750,000 year old formations. I was worried I might destroy a national treasure with one of my love handles or ass cheeks, and had to be on high alert at all times.
I’m surprised they allow people to walk through that thing, without signing a disclaimer or something. There’s jagged rocks everywhere, the ceiling kept coming down to roughly shoulder height, and the path was an obstacle course, like something off Wipeout. It was crazy.
And my mother just had knee replacement, a few short weeks ago… So, I was worried about that, as well.
But it was interesting, I guess, and nobody had to be airlifted to a hospital or anything. The guide was funny, and had a Southern accent so pronounced he made Goober Pyle sound like Paul Harvey. So, it was pretty good, but not great.
I missed the underground lake, if you want to know the truth. I loved that underground lake… Here are a couple of pictures, to give you a general idea of the atmosphere.
Oh, and at one point I sneezed extra-loud (I love doing that, I had one inside a corn maze years ago that’s still family legend), and my Dad said, “Good god, Jeff! You’re going to cause a cave-in!!” And everybody laughed.
I didn’t know this West Virginia stuff was going to drag out like this, but I’ll continue the story tomorrow.
See ya then.
FIRST, MO FOS!!!!!!!!
Good Morning, Surfers!
Second suckers!!!!
The Warren Report is actually pretty cool. I found one in a used bookstore a few years ago and it serves two purposes: one, it’s interesting reading, just to open to a page and read a bit; two, if someone sees it on your bookshelf they have to pause a bit and figure out whether or not you are a conspiracy theorist.
Damnit…too slow!!
Were the secrets spending an inordinate amount of time at the cave in your second picture? ‘Cause it appears to be a man going into a giant vagina. Even has two thighs along the sides. I prefer the smaller version, apparently size does matter.
When my grandmother died a few years ago, we had to go through A LOT of shit. We found, among other things:
An unopened box of Hai Karate aftershave (Hilarious pamphlet enclosed)
Gas & Electric bills in bundles by year BACK TO 1942
Various spices and extracts in her kitchen cabinet that pre-dated the Truman administration (no WONDER we can’t duplicate any of her recipes to save our lives…)
Jesus, that woman didn’t throw anything away. I remember she would dry out coffee filters and reuse them. You could stand a fucking spoon in her coffee.
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
Nice score on the radio, Jeff, BTW.
SC Scott — I was about to say essentially the same thing (about the giant rock vagina, including the thighs; it also has a clit, too). Good to know I’m not the only one around here with a warped mind.
p.s. I refuse to jump on the “@” bandwagon.
My wife and I are trying to decide at what age we’ll throw away her impressive collection of dildoes. What if we bite it at the same time in a plane or automobile crash? Then I wouldn’t be able to throw away her stash. I don’t want the grandkids finding her SuperDong or AssBlaster2000 along side her sewing stuff. I think it’s a legitimate concern.
TOP TEN!!!!
Tada.
12 again, aw crap!!! puberty
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
I had a similar thing with my Grandmother’s stuff. I went down to Texas a few years ago and my mother insisted we go through her stuff. She was also a great cook. One of the things I took was her pepper mill and her rolling pin. Then there were boxes of letters and pictures. Several years later, whenever I open one of those boxes it still smells like her. Not a bad smell.
I love the vagina cave.
what is that “@” thing anyway?
@kristin
as opposed to
dear kristin,
I don’t like it. I also refuse to use it.
When my grandmother passed, the GD family vultures picked through her possesion like it was free day at the flea market. It was digusting with all the bickering and in-fighting going on. All I ended up with was a box of love letters my grandfather had written to her. So I went through them reading each one. When I had gone through the whole box, I ended up with close to $5,000 in cold hard cash with about a $100 in Silver certificates. the DF’s were so busy picking up the stuff they thought was valuable and overlooked a treasure cash trove. I never told anyone what I had found.
My sister has everything and that kinda sucks. Lots of stuff. Old stuff. Like late 1880’s, 1900’s stuff! Grandma’s leather top desk, some cool old dressers. Lots of neat old things including Grandmas flag. I would go out ever Sunday when we’d go there to visit and I’d put the thing out there in it’s holder on the porch. Meant a lot to me and still does. 48 stars to boot. I’d like to have the flag…that’s all. Sis got all the stuff I guess because she had a house and I travled. Even after I became ‘stable’ no one offered me anything. Hell…my Dad gave his Dad’s (aka my grandfather) pocket watch to my nephew (aka his grandson) and not me! Man I guess I pissed off somebody by not living their boxed-in idea of life.
I’m ok with it all…just would like to have the flag to put out here. That won’t happen and I know it. I’ve mentioned all this to my sister before and she hung up on me. Guilt or fuck off? Doesn’t matter either way I suppose.
I fear caves and mine shafts. Nope…ain’t going in. I’ll be in the gift shop or bar.
We had a radio just like that. PawPaw used to sit in the yard on Roxalana Road watching eerybody go up and down the road and listen to it.
When my grandmother passed away she had boxes of pictures and some of the boxes had names on them. My box contained a picture of my grandfather with Jimmy Hofa, (yes before he disapeared). Also a picture of the old Caldwell Dairy, her family home, where Roxalana Hills is now. Anybody else remember that?
By the way, if anybody goes by my brothers house he has an old lift top desk that belongs to me that I want. Please “pick it up for me”. I’ve been trying to get it from him for years.
When my great grandfather died, I had to go through his house and pick and choose. Got a nice bed frame and mattress. A percolator. Several cuspadors (old dude spit more tobacco than the number of breaths he took). An old TV that lasted exactly one year to the date of his death and two identical little statues of a small black child, sitting on a toilet, with a bee buzzing around his head, and the caption at the base of the statues saying, “Skram, Bee, dis ain’t yore hive!” Yes, the old man was quite the racist. Then, in his will, he left me enough money for a fifty percent down payment on a house. Favorite relative from my childhood. Always wore a suit, even sitting around the house on a hot summer day. His name was Alpheus.
On IPOD right now- “Dear God”- XTC
DTO – The gift shop at Chimney Rock in NC is inside the mountain that sits next to the formation. Two ways to get to the rock, a 5 mile trail up the mountain of go inside the mountain and catch the elevator. Not many chose the 5 mile walk.
Regarding T. Farty’s comment above about throwing away the dildo collection:
My daughter was about 2 or 3 years old and Halloween was approaching. She mentioned to my wife that she wanted a red “old fashion” man’s handkerchief to tie around her neck like a cowboy. Just so happens, I have 2 or 3 of those in the bottom of my sock drawer ( they were my grandfather’s and I kept them for all these years after he died). Wife instructs daughter to look in Dad’s top dresser drawer.
Daughter comes down the steps a few minutes later with the handkerchief and my wife’s big blue vibrator, which was stored in the same drawer. Daughter wants to know what the blue stick is for. I thought fast and told her it was a handle for a paint brush. Told her I had been looking for that, and thanked her for finding it for me and told her I was going to put it in the garage where it belonged with all the other paint brushes and rollers. Hid it in the trash and she forgot about it.
No more sex toys around here since then.
hardoxdan – priceless and very quick thinking.
I’m 33 and single….god help me if I die unexpectedly and someone has to pack up my stuff. They’re gonna get quite a shock at the “toy box” under my bed.
SR…Ok thanks. So where’s the bar?
Jeff….the cave in the second photo has huge labia’s.
I’m with Lew. I have an interesting “collection” too. One time I accidentally left a flog hanging from my bedroom doorknob when my parents were over. I don’t think they noticed….or at least they didn’t say anything.
My mom can never die because I don’t want to ever sort through all her shit. She’s a packrat. All I want are the family photos.
Jason-How much catfish bait do you suppose are in those giant cave labias?
I went through my grandparents things years ago and nabbed the biggest ashtray I had ever seen, it must be 10″ wide by 14″ long, that baby holds 6 cartons worth of butts before it needs emptied. My sister beat me to the Wagner Ware, dammit!
Also, I’ll be letting my brother know to torch my house if I should die unexpectedly.
When my grandmother died a few years ago I got all her kitchen stuff. I couldn;t believe nobody wanted nice stainless steel pie pans and cookie sheets but i love them and use them all the time. i have an ever expanding ass to prove it.
I am rethinking my hiding places thanks.
Yeah Jason, how much?
Personally speaking, labia’s are overrated. I’m searching for that elusive “G” spot. I’ve found it a couple of times but that sucker keeps moving. I gonna start mapping that beast. Jeezum Crow, how did we end up talking about sex toys and labias.
On the iPod now -“Heavy Cloud No Rain” – Sting
The generous labia cave.
Heh..on second look of that giant cave labia photo…..It’s like throwin’ a hotdog down a hallway..
Bet that thing has better suction than the Titanic going down.
Not a deceased relative but one moving to a smaller house — when my in-laws moved from a 2 story, 4 bedroom house w/ basement to a 2 bedroom ranch ( empty nest and all ) some of the things that had to be disposed of were owner’s manuals for appliances that they had purchased 30 years earlier. The appliances were long gone, but my wife’s mother fought tooth and nail to save these booklets.
I have an agreement with one of my friends that should I die an untimely death, she will be my “cleaner” and will remove any unseemly objects from my house before my family clears out my belongings. I find it sad that my expensive deluxe $120 vibrator will end up in the trash. Who says I don’t have a sentimental side?
As for the real question of the day…. Both of my grandfathers died before I was born, and my paternal grandmother when I was 16. She didn’t have much of any material value, just sentimental stuff that a teenage girl had absolutely no appreciation for — “old junk”.
My maternal grandmother is still alive and kicking at 89. Every winter when she’s snowed in the house, she gets out the box of love letters my grandfather wrote her while he was away during WWII, and she reads them all again. He died as a POW in Russia and my grandmother never really got over that. (Her second marriage was one of convenience, not love.) She won’t let anyone read them because they’re too personal and said she planned to burn them before she died, but we all protested and begged her not to, promising to wait until after she passed to read them since it’s the only thing really connecting my mother to her biological father. Oma put up a fight and said we wouldn’t be able to read them anyway since Opa wrote in the old German script, but I taught myself to read it just for this purpose, and she has agreed not to send them up in smoke.
The one other thing I’m going to have to fight one of my sisters for is an aquamarine ring that my grandmother has worn ever since I can remember. In my head, I can see very clearly that ring on my grandmother’s finger every time we went into town. She never wore it around the farm though. Strange how her hands are the thing I most associate most with my grandmother. I can also see her peeling hot, boiled potatoes with her bare hands, which is perhaps why boiled potatoes are one of my comfort foods.
My sex toys will probably be the cause of my death. They should be able to get up and walk out on their own TWO feet. That is given the position I may be trying at that time.
DO NOT throw away used sex toys. I know someone that buys used sex toys, pays top dollar.
Jason — I didn’t think open cans of Chef Boyardee could be salvaged. Learn something new every day.
Wow, all this racy talk, coupled with the a jiggly Further Evidence link. I’m gonna need a cold shower.
Watch it, waaaatch it.
Just in case anyone is interested:
http://www.JasonsUsedDildoEmporiumAndCheeseShop.com
For the record, I noticed the giant labia cave in pic #2 as well…but what about jean short cutie in pic #1? I wonder if Secret #1 was paying attention to her or the caves on this underground adventure…
34, 6’2″, 215lbs,single (never married), girl 9, Finance for Canadian Federal Government
My favorite part in the Warren Beatty Report is the chapter about labia caves and sex toys. It never does say how he managed to get away with killing Kennedy, though.
Now playing on the Victrola: Lou Reed “Metal Machine Music”
Brynhildr – Ich glaube, es ist Zeit für uns zu sprechen. Ich interessiere mich für warum sie nicht beantwortet haben meine Kommunikation. I know it’s not perfect but shoot me.
My family and I went to Devil’s Anus once, reeked of candy redhots and cheese.
Right next to each other in the same comment:
Not a bad smell.
I love the vagina cave.
Jeff, don’t apologize for the WV trip dragging on so long. It’s good stuff. Every time I have taken my wife, the child bride, there, she has only negative and offputting things to say about the people she sees. You can’t go wrong with the descriptions. Poofterbilly: should qualify for a new word in the next Webster’s Dictionary.
Can’t wait to tell everyone about the phone call I got today, by someone who thought they were calling Applebee’s. I was born for radio, goddammit. Maybe Friday.
No IPOD right now. My daughter is telling me how stressful kindergarten is.
Eating three goddamn hard boiled eggs for dinner tonight. Wish me luck
Oh yea, the vagina cave is something to behold, looks like the guy is trying to flee for his life…climbing up the giant turd!
AWG: Omg…you gotta tell that story! I love shit like that! Can’t wait to read it!
I miss the AWG stories. I wonder how Ardna is doing.