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Our Harrowing Day of Dentistry, and Everybody’s Favorite Pooping Songs

April 18, 2014 By Jeff 37 Comments

Cartoon-Tooth (1)Yesterday was strange. The older boy had all four wisdom teeth yanked, and his brother finally had his braces removed. It’s been a long-time coming.

All this happened early in the morning, before I’d even gotten up. But when everyone came home… the bizarreness kicked in. Our older son was messed up on a full smorgasbord of drugs, and acting crazy.

At one point I walked into the room and he was bent forward in a chair, spitting on the living room floor. I howled in protest, and he continued spitting. I got him a towel, cleaned up the bloody mess, and he just sat there with a string of drool hanging out of his mouth.

Later, he packed teabags into his mouth. WTF?? This was some real Sid ‘n’ Nancy shit. Toney was out picking up various prescriptions, and I called her.

“I can’t deal with this,” I said. “When will you be home?? He’s spitting everywhere… packing his cheeks with stuff from the pantry… What’s next, flour?! Navy beans? I don’t know what the hell’s going on!”

Toney told me the doctor said he could put teabags in his mouth, to stop the bleeding. So, at least there was some context to that weirdness. But he wasn’t really responding to me, and totally out of it.

Finally, she returned and took over. It was disturbing, and stressing me out.

“I guess mothers are wired differently,” Toney said.

“That, or I’m just a pussy,” I offered, and received no response. I quickly got ready, and went to work — a little earlier than normal.

Turns out, there was some wackiness with the younger boy, too. The orthodontist had been stringing him along, repeatedly saying she’s going to remove his braces, then wanting to give it four more weeks. This happened at least twice, and she tried to do it again yesterday.

The boy snapped, and went off on the whole staff. The doctor was yelling at him, he was yelling back, and eventually started crying. I guess it was a bad scene, and Toney told the orthodontist to just take the braces off. Enough was enough.

They fitted him with a retainer, and made them hang around until it was ready. Toney said the younger youngling just sat silently in the waiting room, seething with anger. When they got home, she asked him where the retainer was. And he said he threw it into a trash can on the way to the car!

I know I should be mad at him, but I’m not. In fact, it makes me laugh. As far as I can tell, his teeth are perfect. It’s time to move on. Seriously.

The good news? Both are home today, because of Easter, and are doing well. The older boy is acting like a normal human being again, and his brother is watching Beavis and Butthead, eating ice cream. I’ll probably go in at the regular time today.

On an unrelated note… I walked into a bathroom the other day, and took my place in front of a urinal. Beside me was a stall, and somebody was in there dumping and stinking the place up. People are disgusting. I could hear grunts, and low-grade thrashing about. What the hell, man?

And once I’d settled in to the task at hand, I realized the dumper was listening to music. Apparently he had earbuds in, and the volume was so high I could actually make out the song: “Shattered” by the Rolling Stones. With my shirt pulled up to cover my mouth and nose, I stood and pondered the appropriateness of the tune. Is “Shattered” a good pooping song?

I never really came to a conclusion, so I’ll let you guys handle it. If it’s NOT an appropriate song, what would be better? And why? Please use the comments section below to help me find closure on this important issue.

And I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday.

Have yourselves a great weekend, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!

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Comments

  1. Bones says

    April 18, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    Hey-Ohh!

    Reply
  2. Greg says

    April 18, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Retainers are expensive, and you paid for it. You may want to go back and get it. It was prescribed and designed to finish the toof straightening process.

    Reply
    • Kristy says

      April 18, 2014 at 1:55 pm

      I agree. I speak from experience – I didn’t wear my retainer long enough when I was a teenager and ended up having to get braces again when I was around 20. My dad was less than thrilled.

      Reply
      • Jeff says

        April 18, 2014 at 2:01 pm

        It’s long-gone. If he’s telling us the truth, he threw it into a trash can in Scranton. His teeth were never very crooked to begin with. It was a borderline case, from the beginning. He resented every minute he wore those braces, and accused us of being manipulated by Big Dentistry, or whatever.

        Reply
        • Melissa says

          April 18, 2014 at 2:08 pm

          The whole Dentistry field is highly over-rated, in my opinion. Granted, it serves a useful purpose to some, but lines the pockets of the con men providing the “service”. I say fukkit and let him throw it away. I just wish he would have thrown it in the trash the second they handed it to him. 🙂

          Reply
        • Joe T. says

          April 19, 2014 at 9:08 am

          I give the kid credit. It’s not often a “yoot” will stand up to the man and tell them to shove it. Obviously he thinks for himself. Good for him.

          Reply
    • Clueless says

      April 18, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      Threw my retainer away on a regular basis but at home, so my mother always found it.

      Reply
  3. Cass says

    April 18, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    Yeah, I never wore my retainer and my teefs are back to where they started. You gotta wear it until everything ‘sets’.

    Reply
  4. kristin says

    April 18, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    Yeah – as much as I hate to see the boy tortured, he needs that retainer for a while or the teeth will shift and that’s $3000 down the drain.

    I sympathize with the other one – when I woke up from having my wisdom teeth out, I freaked out and bawled for an hour. Like howling, inconsolable baby howling. I had no idea what was going on, and my dad of course just laughed his ass off at me.

    Reply
  5. WB in OH says

    April 18, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    If you grunt whilst pooping you need to re-evaluate your relationship with vegetables.

    I suppose one could make an argument for Shattered, SHATtered get it? Or they say Shit-doobie a lot. Honestly, I’ve never thought about a good pooping song.

    I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted when I was 14. My mom helped me out of the office, I was stoned out of my freaking gourd and a friend of mine was waiting to go in to have his teeth cleaned. It scared him half to death when he got a good look at me.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      April 18, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Oh, and I concur with the others on the retainer, sorry.

      Reply
  6. Phantom Railfan says

    April 18, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Another vote for the necessity of the retainer. I accidentally tossed mine, and, even though I’d worn it for over a month after getting my braces off, within a year or so my teeth had shifted back to pretty much where they started. In fact, they look even worse now that I’m in my 40s.

    When I had my wisdom teeth out, I was so loopy on the anesthetic that I sat in the recovery room singing along with the songs on the radio–including commercials and station ID jingles– for close to an hour.

    Reply
  7. Jorge says

    April 18, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    Yeah, hate to say it, but everybody’s right on this.

    I spent a few years working in the dental industry, and if I recall correctly, braces cause teeth and bone to be sort of broken down which is what allows them to be moved into place.

    The retainer keeps them where they are long enough for the bone and teeth to grow back and into the new position.

    And like a lot of the folks here I got rid of my retainer a little early and my lower teeth shifted back a bit. Not too much, but I wore the retainer for a couple of years.

    The first one is gone, but in order to protect your investment you might want to get him a new one.

    Reply
    • dorothy says

      April 19, 2014 at 9:16 am

      i’m with you on this one jorge. you’re exactly right. i tossed my retainer and wound up having braces again at age 71! go figure.

      Reply
    • Alex says

      April 19, 2014 at 11:20 am

      So what does a retainer do that the braces don’t/didn’t? Seems to me if you got your face all wired up to hold your teeth in some particular spot, that should be the end of it.

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        April 20, 2014 at 11:53 am

        From the Cleveland Clinic (and reiterated by most orthodontist websites out there):

        “The reason why a retainer is needed is that even though braces may have successfully straightened your teeth, they are not completely settled in their new position until the bones, gums, and muscles adapt to the change.”

        Reply
        • Greg says

          April 20, 2014 at 1:04 pm

          Thanks! That just underscores my comment.

          Reply
  8. CADude says

    April 18, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Pooping songs: http://www.spike.com/articles/95f9um/the-top-eight-perfect-songs-to-poop-to
    #1: Free Falling

    Reply
  9. madz1962 says

    April 18, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Good pooping songs, eh? Well, this can be taken in quite a few ways. Here are a few examples:

    Stevie Ray Vaughn: Pride and Joy

    ZZ Top: Got Me Under Pressure

    Beatles: Don’t Let Me Down

    Elton John: The Bitch Is Back

    John Mellencamp: Hurts So Good
    and of course:

    George Harrison: All Things Must Pass

    ~~~~~

    Oh the possibilities are endless!

    Poor older Secret! How much anesthesia did they give the poor dude?

    Reply
  10. Joe Scymzlk says

    April 18, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    We fill up our guts and turn it into shit
    And we get rid of it
    Michael Hurley, Slurf Song from “Have Moicy!”

    Reply
  11. The Qweezy Mark says

    April 18, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    “Shattered” is too manic. I would say anything by Air Supply or Bread.

    Reply
  12. chill says

    April 18, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Devo: Going Under
    Brownsville Station: Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room
    If you’re passing a mighty dreadnought, then maybe Also Sprach Zarathustra.

    I’m happy so say that I am not qualified to comment on the matter of the retainer.
    .

    Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      April 19, 2014 at 7:23 am

      I’m stealing the dreadnought line. Whether a navy ship or the large Martin they both paint a pretty picture.

      Reply
      • chill says

        April 19, 2014 at 1:51 pm

        You’re welcome. I myself stole it from Roger’s Profanisaurus.
        .

        Reply
  13. Im-Round says

    April 18, 2014 at 7:23 pm

    I don’t know about “shattered”, but I turn on the shower and have a cup of java in the crapper every am…works like a champ. I may stop up if I change my routine.

    Reply
  14. johnthebasket says

    April 19, 2014 at 3:07 am

    Like nearly every other fucking thing in life, defecating takes a little longer in old age. A bathroom library whose volume would suit a small African village is a minimal requirement. So I read in the bathroom, but it occurred to me that, given the time it takes to rid oneself of waste material in dotage, Bob Dylan’s “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” is an appropriate tune.

    jtb

    Reply
  15. t-storm says

    April 19, 2014 at 6:04 am

    REM’s Everybody Poops.

    Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      April 21, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      Pretty much any REM song would work for pooping

      Reply
  16. t-storm says

    April 19, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Glad you have a kid that knows when to call bullshit.
    My youngest brother is kind of like that. A bit of a fuck up but he knows what is necessary and what isn’t.

    Reply
  17. Joe T. says

    April 19, 2014 at 9:09 am

    “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.”

    Reply
  18. David I. says

    April 19, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I had a retainer glued to my bottom row of teeth for 25 years. Every once in awhile it would come loose and whatever dentist I was going to at the time would glue it back on. Finally I said WTF man I am 40 years old. Take this thing out. The dentist shrugged and said it was probably OK to finally get rid of it. Within a year my bottom teeth got crooked again. Cautionary tale.

    Reply
  19. Ognir says

    April 19, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Two things:

    College dudes can stink up a bathroom something fierce – and sometimes seem to have sex talk on their phones while doing so.

    I sometimes see people taking books into the bathroom at Barnes and Noble. Which makes me think of that Seinfeld episode.

    Reply
  20. TxTy says

    April 20, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    I guess it all depends upon the last few meals as to what might be the appropriate music for the moment. Sometimes I think The Infectious Grooves ‘Stop Funkin’ With My Head’ fits, sometimes it’s Jesus Jones “Burning”. I’m just glad it’s never been Zappa’s “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”

    Reply
  21. icecycle66 says

    April 21, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Are any of you asshats in the Newport News area?

    Reply
    • chill says

      April 21, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      Best case, that’s about a 3 hour drive from here. So, not really.
      .

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        April 21, 2014 at 10:10 pm

        Four days with amphetamine, roughly three weeks with weed.

        jtb

        Reply
  22. brownc says

    April 22, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    My poop song would be “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish” by the Smiths. Because, you know…

    Reply

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