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Our Cable Guy: A Very Thorough Orifice

August 4, 2009 By Jeff 71 Comments

cableguyWe recently had a problem with our cable service, and the company dispatched a person within hours to check it out.  I can’t really remember the issue, something to do with missing channels or somesuch.  But I recall being impressed by their quick response.

Unfortunately, we’ve had fresh, new trouble ever since that visit.  The picture turned horrible on the Big Ass Television (BAT), channels were disappearing and reappearing at random times, and everything just seemed generally unstable.

But since I’m the Head Complainer (Bitcher in Chief) at our house, and don’t watch too much TV, there wasn’t a lot of urgency to get it corrected.  The rest of the family just accepted the sub-par quality of the picture, and soldiered on.

And that’s simply not in my nature…

Toney finally called the cable company again on Sunday, and they sent a guy yesterday to “look things over.”  And he was a bit of a walking orifice, if you know what I mean.

Everything the dude said was tinged in sarcasm, and exasperation.  He acted like he was better than us, possibly because of his kick-ass utility belt.  I’m just not sure.  But I fought an urge to kick him full in the cockal region, almost from his first sneering words to me.

He was thorough, though.  I didn’t like his attitude, but believe he did a good job.  He crawled around our house on his knees, went inside the garage, walked around outside, climbed to the top of a telephone pole, etc.  They don’t usually possess that level of give-a-shit.  Ya know?

And it appears everything is fixed.  The picture is now better than it’s ever been.  He switched out some of the connector cables, and gave us a new DVR box.  Our old DVR was reportedly on the verge of melting down, and was the source of most of our problems, he said.

Yeah, that’s fine.  But what about Field of Dreams?  I recorded it off HBO about three years ago, and was planning to watch it within in the next half-decade, or so.  And now it’s gone!  The bastards took my movie!!

I also had Damnation Alley recorded on that thing, and it’s not available on DVD (as far as I know).  And a great documentary about the Brooklyn Dodgers, too.

Oh well.  What are you going to do?  We can’t very well watch Wipeout (Fatties Sliding Off Balls) in anything less than pure 1080p high definition, right?  I guess the tradeoff is worth it…

And since we’re on the subject, is there a greater piece of technology from the past ten years or so than the DVR box?  I can’t really think of anything better, it’s changed my life!  What do you think?  Also, if your DVR were to catch fire this very minute, would you lose anything gut-wrenching?  Tell us about it.  We’ll be your shoulder to cry on.

Please note:  I posted something new and stoopid at mockable this morning, which renders my second update questionable today.  I’ll try, but am rapidly running out of time here.  It might appear at 3 am…

See ya next time!

Now playing in the bunker.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Enas Yorl says

    August 4, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Of course Damnation Alley is on DVD. The book is way better though.

    Reply
  2. JCIII says

    August 4, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    I was about to contribute something but then it totally blew away w/ a brain fart.

    Reply
  3. Brynhildr says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:14 am

    I was about to contribute something and then I read “generous labia” and nearly choked on my dinner as it was coming back up. Now all I need is to couple “generous labia” with the word “moist”, and I’ll have the makings of a disaster on my hands. Jeez, I knew it. Uh-oh, here it comes. (gag…gag…cough..swallow….heave…)

    Reply
  4. Great Googly Moogly says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:28 am

    DVRs are the shit. I love mine. In fact, when I upgrade to high freaking definition in a few months and toss out all the old units I’m installing two tuner DVRs on all my TVs. I’ll be a recording fool.

    I’m really quite anal about having shit just sitting around on my DVR though. If that shit is on there I don’t rest until I catch everything up and clear everything out. I’ve got a half a dozen things recorded on mine now and I’ll plow through all of it before I go to bed tonight. Can’t let it get all stacked up or it bugs me.

    Reply
  5. Taiwan On says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Jeff – One WVSR update a day one every other day on Mockable. The Target #346 post was kickass.

    Reply
  6. Shiny Rod says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:38 am

    What in the name of jeezum crow, I leave you folks for a minute and you turn it into a den of porn. Yeah, like I can talk. Tip to all, do not edit audio files at 1 am in the morning after a couple glasses of scotch. If I weren’t getting paid to do this. Not fun and windoze is not playing fair. Shiny out…

    Reply
  7. Willie Williams says

    August 5, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Jeff, buy a DVD recorder. I bought one at Sam’s for $90. It allows me to copy what I record on the DVR if I want to keep it forever or I use a DVD-RW to copy shit I want to watch down in the man cave by myself. Then I reuse the disc over and over.

    I went forever without a DVR, could never go without again. Watching commercials is for suckers.

    Reply
  8. tiff says

    August 5, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Commerical time is REFILL time, man! Without that, how on earth do you get your drink on?

    Reply
  9. bikerchick says

    August 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

    OK all u labia-lovers out there….I work for a plastic surgeon and we do “labiaplasties” quite often…in fact, we did two last Friday…. in the office with a LOCAL anesthesia, meaning injections right to the woo-woo. I, personally, would NEVER do it but, hey…whatever floats your boat…heh…. Some girls actually do need the procedure. Looks like elephant ears down there. The guys don’t call her Dumbo for nuttin.

    Reply
  10. Shiny Rod says

    August 5, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    @ bikerchick – I will categorize that in things I would rather not want to know or visualize. But I image that if they could bring shade to small countries, it might be time for a little reduction. Don’t get me wrong, I like a little labia myself but thats in an entirely different context. But if your getting an echo and your not standing at the grand canyon, well you it may be time for a little “eh” nip and tuck. OK, I said my piece and I am gonna leave it alone, tuddles, I’m outta here.

    Reply
  11. T. Farty McAppleass says

    August 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    bikerchick,
    What do you do with the leftovers? I agree that some women need to have things trimmed up down there. This one girl I dated (for a VERY short peroid of time) could have used that procedure. Her labia looked like an open faced roast beef sandwich.

    Reply
  12. Shiny Rod says

    August 5, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Jeff – Dammit update quick – this is going south fast – we are taking on water here – quicikly sinking. Help, can I get some help here?

    Reply
  13. Dr. Fatnbald says

    August 5, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    My field of expertiese is psychological damage due to exposure to…”Weird shit”…and I think I just caught something.

    Reply
  14. bikerchick says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    @ T. Farty: Once they shrivel up…they can be used for jewelry.. HA.. Acutally, they just get pitched.

    Reply
  15. T. Farty McAppleass says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I was thinking they’d make good catfish bait.

    Reply
  16. Willie Williams says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    @Tiff….I have a fully stocked midi-fridge right next to the La-z-Boy in the cave and a pause button for the five steps to the local bathroom to drain.

    Reply
  17. NDfaninAZ says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    my last comment got eaten up….by giant meat curtains

    Reply
  18. WB in OH says

    August 5, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    I can hear the man down at the dock now pushing his pu**y flavored catfish doughballs “now with real pu**y parts in them”

    Reply
  19. Adam says

    August 5, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    If my DVR bit the shit today I would lose out on all of the 2008 Olympics, Scarface, and American Psycho. Scarface is always on one of the movie channels, though, and I think I have American Psycho on regular DVD somewhere (it’s my favorite movie). The Olympics, though… how would I ever find out who wins?!

    Reply
  20. t-storm says

    August 5, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Adam,
    It’s easy. Michael Phelps won gold medals in everything. Including, hockey, breakdancing, and speed dating.

    Reply
  21. chill says

    August 5, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    I too have no DVR. It seems cool and all, but I don’t watch enough TV to justify it. Even though I am in some ways a technology whore.

    Jeff, on August 4th, 2009 at 1:54 pm Said:
    “You might think you don’t need a DVR, however, you are wrong.”

    Well, maybe I should reconsider. This reminds me of the raging Pan Flute controversy: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/020605/panflute-flowchart.gif

    Reply
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