Last night at work I was listening to an old Jean Shepherd radio show from 1974, and there was a commercial for Newsday, a New York newspaper. The announcer announced that Newsday would be serializing a new Rose Kennedy autobiography, in its entirety, daily for two weeks.
I like old commercials, but this one was kinda dull, and my mind started to drift. Until the guy said, “And for the first time ever, Kennedy talks at length about her retarded daughter!”
I about shit.
Yesterday I woke up in some kind of deep, deep funk. I finished the second draft of my “book” on Saturday, and was pretty excited. In fact, Toney and I celebrated with an ill-advised number of adult beverages. Saturday was good.
But I was depressed the next morning. I’d be returning to work later in the day, to my pre-second-draft-in-the-can world, as if I’d spent the previous ten days hanging around on couches, watching Caddyshack or whatever. And not hunched over a laptop for ten hours per day, tweaking and rewriting.
It was some kind of postpartum let-down, I think. And Sunday was bad.
Of course I didn’t really think my life would instantly change the moment I was finished writing. It was just a primal thing, way down deep. There’s no instant pay-off to writing a “book,” and it sucked going back to what I’d left (all fired-up and enthusiastic) almost two weeks before.
But I feel a lot better today. It was just a momentary downward spiral. I’ve leveled-off, thank you very much.
It was a pretty intense experience, too. I must’ve logged a hundred hours inside that library, and by Saturday I was fully sick of the place. Also, during the middle of the week I couldn’t sleep very well. I went to bed before 10 o’clock one night, exhausted. And laid awake for hours, my mind racing and misfiring ‘n’ shit.
Eventually I turned off the alarm clock, left a note for Toney to call and wake me up at 9:30, and somewhere around 4 a.m., finally drifted off. I was starting to lose my grip; it was mildly disturbing.
But I got it done, and I think the second draft is a lot better than the first one. I fear there will have to be a third go-round, but we’ll see what happens. I’ve got the manuscript out to some folks, and am looking forward to their feedback. Hopefully all five will say, “It’s perfect! Don’t change a thing!” Heh.
And speaking of books, and postpartum depression… The mailman just brought me a copy of Game Six, a book about the 1975 World Series. It’s not very old, and I bought it for 19 cents. It’s a hardcover, and looks like it came straight off the shelves of Barnes & Noble: perfect, unread condition.
How much you wanna bet the author agonized over that thing, just like I did last week? And a few months after it’s published… 19 cents.
Yeah, I’m going to try not to think about any of that.
I hope you guys enjoyed the guest posts last week, by our lineup of once and future Surf Report columnists. Just so you know, I also asked lakrfool, but got no response. I might not have his most current email address. Or he just ignored me. I don’t know.
Anyway, thanks again to Metten, Brad, Buck, and the Angry White Guy. Well-done, guys! And much appreciated.
Last weekend the Evil Twin and I went back-and-forth for a couple of days, and eventually came up with a new shirt design. You can see it here. I wanted something simple, with the original fish, and light-colored for summer. Once again, the Evil Twin didn’t disappoint.
I’m going to offer this shirt as a pre-order until June 18, and will cover those orders only. I don’t expect to sell an enormous number of them, but have a feeling it’ll end up as a favorite, in the long run. So, if you want one, now’s the time. Place your pre-order here, and the T-Shirt Lady will make one just for you.
As for a Question of the Day… this one was triggered by our oldest hooligan, who told his brother a few days ago that a video game must surely suck, because it has a picture of a dragon on the front. It reminded me of one of our original Rules of Thumb: If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is shit.
So, I’d like to know: What is a sure sign that a DVD (or videogame, I guess) is going to suck? What one clue in the artwork telegraphs it for you? Use the comments link below.
And it feels great to be back! Thanks for reading, and participating.
I’ll see ya again tomorrow.
Now this is a day for celebration.
2nd?
A picture of Steven Segal on the front is usually a good indicator!
I too have days of deep funk, today is one in fact. I’m not sure what causes it or how to snap out of it. Sometimes it lasts a few hours, other times a few days. And I hate it.
Hope the latest edit is the last.
If the DVD cover has Steven Seagal on it…it sucks.
D’oh! Mark you posted while I was typing. Great minds and all that. Meh.
Top 10! Welcome back sir!
A sign of DVD suckage: Any artwork with a “clever” depiction of a coffin, axe, blood dripping knife, etc . . .
Or, in the good ol’ days, any movie produced by Golan-Globus.
Isn’t Princess Leia pointing a gun in the Star Wars artwork? Danish pastry hairdo aside, she’s not hard on the eyes.
As a thumb rule it’s a good one though.
And Steven Seagull of course.
top ten bitches
The video game is going to suck if it has a movie counterpart that come out at the same time. Those videogames are always rushed and always suck ass. Very seldom is one enjoyable to play.
Any movie with Andie McDowell in it will suck and also any movie with a half dressed cheerleader and pieces of fruit.
Welcome back JK so glad you are done i hope that book hits stores sometime in my near future.
Leaving a boring ass job to go after your dream can leave you feeling pretty bad. I have that experience on most Mondays and almost always after a vacation. real life does blow sometimes.
Mark0510 beat me to it.
Any movie about dancing or a teenage girl falling in love with a vampire who live in an a town called Forks. I would rather brand myself with a hot iron that watch those “types” of movies.
wow i really need to look at my spelling before i post.
I hijack the question with when does a Secret transition into a Hooligan ? Don’t leave this hanging along with whether is is a poop spoor or a fart molecule. Closure damn it!
If Val Kumar is on the front…it’s shit.
is it not is is
it is not … aw f-it
Oh…and pretty much every movie coming out with animated talking animals is going to be retarded too…I am SO sick of seeing ‘Marmaduke’ commericials. And, that new one with Brenden Frasie and Doctor Doolittle # 6 or 7 or 13!…the only good computer animated characters are the ones created by Pixar and that’s IT!
Otherwise, movies which include, like I said, Val Kumar, Andy Dick, Steven Seagull, M. Night Shamylan, and any movie on the SyFy channel is going to be horrible.
I know I will think of so many more while I’m sitting here, bored at the office.
WELCOME BACK JEFF!!!!!!!!! WE’VE MISSED YOU!
Holy Mother of Pearl, an update from Jeff? WTF!!!
For a CD, anytime the promotional information goes on about the band trying to get back to its roots. Or, that the group has gone more “garage” style. The perfect example is Metallica’s latest album, “Death Magnetic”. They had all that “back to the old days” hype and the album still sucked. Sure it was better that the CD before, but Robert Fripp farting into a microphone for an hour would be better than St. Anger.
Movies, are about 3 things, tits, action, and story. You can only have two. If you ever see an exploding building behind a big-jugged woman carrying the baby of the futures salvation, don’t bother.
Jeff: I wrote a screenplay once, “Zombies vs Cyborgs: Death Metal”. I had the same feeling of trauma when I finished it. When you are gearing up towards the ends of a project you want to do you get very hyped up at the end. Then there is nothing. I worked on that thing for 2 months, it turned out to be about a 75 minute piece if filmed, and nothing ever happend with it. I sent it to a dozen or so big, small, and indy productioncom panies and never heard back. At least you know your book has a resting home, even if it is worth a dime.
Oh that the Qweezy Mark is a dandy. Welcome back.
I’ve learned that if it is “critically acclaimed” that equals artsy fartsy and it will Suck! If it has a non-sense name like The Piano bench or Rivers of Chocolat, or atonedeaf spelled wrong its gonna suck. If it stars Randy Quaid or has Tom Cruise in it post Top Gun or is filmed entirely free hand or is all black and white, it’ll suck. If it has the words, corn, brokeback, ring or circle in it it will undoubtedly Suck.
BUT, If the critics hate it I will probably love it.
Welcome back, JK! The whole bellydrop you speak of I feel every Sunday night looking ahead to a week when days bleed into one another. Especially knowing you have something else you’d rather be doing that’s worthwhile and fulfilling.
Most movies a critic gives a thumbs up or an Academy Award winner usually means no one will understand it and you leave the theater scratching your head.
if jenna jameson is on the cover there will probably be some suckage.
Welcome back, Jeff!
And a huge round of applause for the guest writers, too! You guys were great to read.
Enclosed is .38 cents , please send me two copies .They will be worth much , much more in years to come . Trust me .
@ Bikerchick – I agree…I hate when I’m watching a movie and I have to keep asking what’s going on? What did he say? What is he doing?
Speaking of which, did anyone see the new ‘Alice in Wonderland’? I am a huge Tim Burton fan, and his ‘Big Fish’ is probably one of the best movies I’ve ever seen, not to mention the original Batman’s (before Robin and VAL KUMAR which he did not do), Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Nightmare before Christmas, Beetlejuice…etc…But I went and saw this and I was soooooooo dissapointed. If I didn’t already know the Alice in Wonderland story plot, I would have walked out on this movie. It was truly horrible, confusing, boring as hell, and all the characters mumbled and rambled nonsense in British accents the whole time. I think the only thing holding it together was the fact that Johnny Depp was the Mad Hatter. And seriously, I don’t care if your a woman or a man, you have to love Johnny Depp.
K, sorry for my rant.
Jeff – can you describe the t-shirt a little more? Is the entire design one big iron on (like the army green/orange ‘new design’ t-shirt), or is it just more like the maroon throw back iron on?
thanks
My rule of thumb for knowing if a DVD is going to suck is if Ashton Kutcher is on the front. That’s a sure sign of failure, right there.
Or if the words “Directed by Michael Bay” are on the front (can say produced by him as well) then I know to keep on looking.
@Brittany: Everyone I know raved about “Alice in Wonderland”. That usually is an indicator for me to steer clear of a movie (I usually hate what people love) but for some reason last week, while at Target, I decided to just buy the damned thing. I never buy DVDs, but for some reason I thought I would enjoy this one. I HATED it.
Now, I have always had a love/hate relationship with Tim Burton. I love his designs & his overall conceptions of HOW the movies should look. It’s his story-telling that is so god-awful! This story was already written for fuck’s sake & he still couldn’t keep it together. The film was boring, lackluster & I kept pausing it to do other things, like throw my dog’s toy across the room to watch her slide on the wood floor for it. (Because that was more entertaining!)
After it was finished, I woke up my boyfriend (Ha!) & commented that the only good thing about that film was the wonderful Helena Bonham Carter & sometimes Johnny Depp. Because even in weird makeup & scary green contacts I’d do him. He is that hot.
The film can go blow donkeys though. What a snooze-fest!
(Rant over)
Welcome back Jeff!
Titles that contain the word “Part” in it, or “continues” (since they are getting away from Part II, III, now its ‘the sequel” etc.).
Nicolas Cage on the cover.
Well, except maybe “World Trade Center:
Sure signs of movie suckage based on the cover:
1. Any of the following names appear on the cover: Michael Bay, Tom Green, Lorne Michaels, Martin Lawrence, Queen Latifa, Vin Diesel, Shia LaBeouf, or Nicolas Cage.
2. A simian is on the cover or featured in the marketing.
3. There’s an endorsement from the American Decency Association or any other similar group.
4. Any critics quoted on the cover work for a teen magazine or for any publication based in a city of less than one million residents.
I wonder if the TShirt lady can put the new logo on a ringer t
like this:
http://ak.buy.com/db_assets/prod_lrg_images/804/210863804.jpg
Totally retro.
Your insight on the 19¢
was a real kick in the pants.
Any movie that starts off on the back cover with: “In the tradition of (Insert popular movie here)……” has got to such much ass.
sorry, SUCK not such….
Hey t-storm….I’ll be in Cincy the week of the 14th. You gonna be around then?
Just sayin’………
Oh….Tom Arnold, Burt Reynolds, Scot Baio (is he still alive?)
A movie is going to suck if the cover has a person making a hands up ‘What happened?’ gesture.
In an old Janeane Garafalo stand-up routine she said that if the preview for a movie features the song ‘Wild Thing’ or ‘Bad To the Bone’ it’s going to be an awful movie, and I’ve lived by that advice for the past 10 to 15 years.
Hey Jeff…I really want to order the t-shirt, but white??? I don’t wear white t-shirts. If you can bring yourself to have it in another neutral color I am completely on board.
I’m really torn on the t-shirt thing. I mean the logo looks cool and stuff, the I’m sure it’s a quality product (and not in an infomercial kind of way), but I just finished unpacking all my stuff and I have about a bajillion too many t-shirts. I should not buy another t-shirt but the WVSR siren calls…….
I wonder when they’re going to start putting Justin Bieber in movies. You KNOW that’s coming and will, in all likliehood, suck the big one.
I think that one sure sign a movie will suck is if ANYWHERE in its description the word “existential” is used.
Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf? Are you sure you’re not just talking about Transformers? I actually really love Shia LeBeouf, and not just being he’s hot, but because I think he’s a good actor. Transformers 1 & 2 were both great, I don’t know why everyone hated on the sequel when it came out. I dunno…just my opinion.
DTO,
Unfortuneately (sp?) I’ll be in OKC then. Dang. How long will you be in town?
T