Have you ever worked with a printing Nazi? I have. I thought of her yesterday, when I received an email with one of those oh-so-correct reminders at the bottom: Please don’t print this message unless you’re a selfish bastard who should develop cancer of the head and die. Or whatever.
This woman worked at a previous job, and her desk was near the shared laser printer. Pretty convenient, huh? I think she lobbied to get that particular spot in the office. So she could keep an eye on things…
It bothered her a great deal whenever someone printed a screenshot, or document of some kind. She’d either lecture the person (if she could get away with it), or make a series of gestures and noises designed to communicate her disapproval (if she couldn’t).
She was constantly talking about (whomever), and how they’re an outrageous paper-waster. “Every sheet used, is one less breath of air for our children,” she’d say, in a quivery, righteous tone.
And she did this with everyone, individually, to make it clear she was watching… always watching…
I bet she’s there right now, her body going completely rigid every time the printer cranks up. Unless, of course, somebody couldn’t take it anymore and beat her to death with a Scotch tape dispenser. Which is a real possibility.
Do you have any office cops at your job, who take it upon themselves to keep everyone else in-line? It doesn’t have to be a printing Nazi, just any busy-body foo’. Tell us about it, won’t you?
And check it out. This is a series of gut-wrenching photographs sent by Knucklehead, featuring her macaw (also named Knucklehead?), going to town on the Smoking Fish.
I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little nauseous… Nauseous and light-headed.
And, in addition to the Question above, I’d like to know if you’d prefer tiny, microscopic updates like this one when I’m running short of minutes, or should I just save it up until next time? Let me know.
Here are the two latest posts at mockable, to take up the slack a little.
And I’ll do better tomorrow, I promise.
See ya then.
@Pagan – I agree just post a booger and it’ll get a conversation started. I’ll gag a whole lot at first but at some point will get over it if things do not get too descriptive.
Awww….Knucklehead, your bird is gorgeous! What is it with birds and paper. My birds love to chew up paper.
Oh, regarding the sick time Nazi’s –
Last year, I used a lot of my sick time because I had 2 surgeries. When review time came around, it was mentioned in writing about how much I was out sick. So I told my boss I wanted to attach a letter to my review stating exactly what my sick time was used for, and that I had doctor’s proof.
Why do they give you sick time, but then not want you to use it???
Taiwan On says
Short or long, give us what you can.
Our department secretary is the time sheet nazi. Whenever it’s the end of the financial quarter or whatever, we get forceful IMPORTANT!! emails with large colored fonts reminding us that time sheets are due. Actually not reminding, more like directing. And God forbid if you miss that deadline. The emails she sends then approach scary.
Worked for a large mining company but for a small town business unit. Everything that was the office managers job was not her responsibility…. Then exactly what do you do dumbass?
Damn one of those Pizza cones sounds mighty good right about now!
Angie in Japan says
Yuck…look at it’s wee beady eyes…I felt like he was trying to hypnotize me…
Bill in PA I’m already a C cup. If I used that thing I’d be Dolly Partonized for crying out loud!
I think I’d rather get the Beer Belly…that thing is the shit!
Bill in PA says
I felt the need to approach the suggestion diplomatically,
thus my choice of product.
I thought the Dolly Parton look may be more tactful and desirable than the “hey, when are you due?” look. I know how ladies love that, especially when it doesn’t apply. **oops!**
Good Evening Surf Reporters……..
What a coincidence.. I’m catching the latest update and taking a 5 minute break from on-line poker…
a day without a Report is like a day without coffee, without the crossword, without a good sit down poop.
I’ll take a smidgen of 250 words everyday, versus a Colossus update hopefully every if not the next….
I guess that’s all I have to say about that, for what it’s worth…
Try giving your birds the corks from wine bottles. Mine LOVES those. She doesn’t like to drink wine, though. She is, however, partial to Bailey’s Irish Creme.
It appears you are getting a significant amount of advice on your foolish neighbors. So mine is probably not worth much more. But, I live in a subdivision that is essentially a retirement community not too far down the road from you. Everyone is pretty straight laced and church going.
Me, not so much. I initially tried to blend in but decided, to hell with them. Now, when I take a walk around the old block on Saturday afternoon I take a beer (or three) with me. I just bullshit with the neighbors and drink in the process. While I am talking with them. I figure if it bothers them, don’t talk to me. They all still do.
As for the ones who call you a sinner, I do have a solution for that, though its not accepted by many people. I just tell them I’m the antichrist and not to worry about it. I’ve had mixed reactions to that. My “religious” friends think I’m signing a one way ticket. My “liberal” friends think I’m playing with fire. Personally, I’m just having fun. Either way, it seems to keep people from arguing with me about the subject.
I think I may have been better off when I just read and didn’t comment.
Tammie… I feel for you, sister…. those bible-thumpin’ do-gooders are worse than the general public with their gossiping & ‘who-did-what with who’ bullshit. Our neighbors are about 50/50. Half will come over and party with us, the other half just gives us the ol’ eye roll and head shake.
We have a huge Budweiser banner that says “Bikers Welcome” we hang on our deck when we have a party just to break the ice…HA! My boyfriend puts on a good show while mowing the grass too… shirt off, cellphone on his shoulder, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, holding a Budweiser all while pushing the lawnmower….. you can’t find that kind of talent everywhere!
greg t says
My last boss was the type that would call you at home if you called in sick.. That’s when I got call forwarding. I was out in my boat fishing and he called. I coughed a bit and he believed I was at home. The sunburn I came in with the next day gave him something to ponder though.
Father Bob says
I have a guy at work that keeps bugging me to get away from the alter boys. I tell him to mind his own business and go back to the little girls at choir practice.
I think we should all travel to Tammie’s and have a Surf Reporter party. I’ll buy the beer! We’ll crank Black Sabbath, Ozzy, AC/DC, Judas Priest, etc… and party into the wee hours. Maybe we could barrow AWG’s Gargoyle for the occasion
We have a Jehova Witness problem in our area. At least once a month, they come around, park their cars and go door to door. I got so sick of it that I went to a head shop and bought an inverted pentagram medallion and put it on a chain. The next time they came into the area, I put it on and when they came to the door, I told them we worshiped the devil. They skip our house every time now!
any length update is better than none… but I’m jonesin’ for a good N&N or Sunshine & Mumbles.
maybe someone should make them into a weekly comic or something.
I had to be a color printer/paper Nazi for my job about 7 years ago. What a load of donkey. I was supposed to stop people from using the thing (we were in design/only group that had color) and all the other administrators wanted me dead for ‘cutting them off’. They got all back-stabby and evil – over copies! I guess everyone thought I was power hungry or something – just earning my paycheck.
I work in an academic library. It’s full of Nazis. Nazi women. Menopausal Nazi women, with an extrie bunch of Nazi women who cycle their menstruals at the same time. (Isn’t that a great band name: The Cycling Menstruals?)
Anyway, most days you need a knife to cut through the raging hormonal activity in the building. I dream of working with just one Nazi. That’s bliss, my friend, pure bliss.
Knucklehead – I’ll have to offer up the wine cork to my birdies next time. Maybe that will stop them from eating holes through the blanket I have on the back of my couch…
Jason….sex in the shower? You guys must be newly weds. LOL
Nah, all my blankets have been “customized” as well. You should see the cage cover. Strategically placed eye-holes for seeing if we’re still awake…
WHOOO! Party at my house!
That’ll learn em!
As for the shower sex…Poo…Mr.Man and I have been married 19 years and we still do it.
Sex + Shower = Good Times!!
We’ve been married 9 years and we have sex in the shower, the tub, the kitchen, all over the place. Pretty much anytime “little Jason” wakes up we go at it. I always tell her, “somebody woke up little Jason and I’m not going to argue with him. Spread em.”
I stayed over at a “friends” place last week and the next day she had some Jehova’s knocking on her door but they quickly went away when she answered. It just so happened that she had thrown on an old Marilyn Manson t-shirt that morning…
Beside’s the fact that they somehow have the right to bother me in my own home by trying to con me in to joining their cult, what really bothers me is that they think they’re doing good. You want to make the world a better place? Don’t interupt people who work all week and are spending weekend time at home with their families! How about volunteering that time down to the local children’s hospital? (…and not so you can con kids in to joining your cult!)
Knucklehead – Hahaha…birds are smarter than some people give them credit for.
I have a solution to jo-hos that worked great, and I only had to do it once:
When I was 17 the jo-hos were blitzing our neighbourhood several times a week. They even hit us on Christmas day. One Saturday morning I was trying to sleep in, but they saw a car in the driveway so they just kept knocking. I eventually put on a robe and went to the door. There was a family of them: mom, dad, two girls about 8 and 10, and a pair of grandparents in the back. I can’t recall exactly what they said, but at some point in their diatribe they asked if I was interested in buying a subscription to Watchtower magazine. I looked the mother right in the eyes and said “No. But I would like to buy the girls. Just for an hour or so…”. They stormed off the porch and NEVER returned.
I expect in today’s “moral climate” such a tactic might earn you a visit from the police, but I doubt a jury of your peers will convict you.
That’s awsome! I think I peed myself a little laughing.
I had a couple of Jehova Witnesses show up one time. Before they could even get started with their routine, my daughters black cat walked up beside me, looked up at me and meowed. I looked down at her, told her “The remote is on the sofa”, to which she trotted off to the living room. The Jehova’s quickly walked off and I never had another visit from them for many years.
That made me think of the scene in Blues Brothers where they were in the fancy restaurant, and Jake turns to the table behind them and asks the guy “how much for the women?”
@Jason – I read a previous post and thought
l’il Jason was your son… Yikes!!! Now I understand….
A little update is better than no update.
Job nazis… none. I’m probably seen as the job nazi at work though as I go off on a major rant when some jackass doesn’t bother telling the powers that be what needs to be restocked. My favorite, break a drill bit and put it back in the rack. Just great. Use the last of whatever chemical? Nope, not a word. Abrasives? Nope, nary a peep from the bastards. Of course, its always me that finds the empties and broken equipment when I’m on a rush job.
All my neighbours drink. No worries about a beer. Years ago I knew a guy at work who had a stack of soda-pop can cozies… that he used around his beer can. How the hell he managed to avoid supervisors when he was indulging at work I’ll never know. But thats something for you to look into Tammie, Sprite, CocaCola, Mountain Dew beer cozies to disguise your evil alcoholic beverage from your retarded neighbours.
I’ve found that sitting on your porch, with an M1911 strapped to your hip pretty much discourages anyone who doesn’t know you from stepping on your property……. Of course, I don’t recommend being armed & hammered at the same time. That never ends well.
Swami Bologna says
I SAID, “TINY IS BETTER THAN NOTHING AT ALL” !!! AND YES, I AM SHOUTING !!!!
Had a recent encounter with Jehovahs at my house.
My front door doesn’t have a screen/storm door. My dog was doing his “I’m ferocious and mean” imitation and I had him firmly by the choke chain.
As they went into their spiel, I calmly told them I was losing my grip on the dog and he was going to get loose on them.
They stopped mid sentence and did a pretty quick turn around to high step it off the porch.
WB in OH says
Small updates are better than no updates but who in the hell I’m I to judge.
No nazi’s at work that I can think of unless you consider the asshole who put’s nasty little notes on the fridge everytime I eat his lunch.
After reading what Tammie goes through I feel blessed that my neighbor has a bar in the garage, you get strange looks if your not drinking.
other kristin says
I print out every one of your posts.
other kristin says
yes, I’m just kidding..
And what’s up with the Nazi automatic comment moderator that tells me I’m commenting too fast. It told me to slow down. Lol.