A few days ago I received an email at work, from the facilities manager. He said somebody is going into one of the bathrooms — a men’s room not far from my desk — and knocking a hole in the drywall. Then they’re smoking cigarettes, and attempting to hide it by blowing smoke into the hole, and up between the walls. The hole was repaired once, and immediately opened-up again. He wanted me, and a few others, to monitor that restroom, and see if we can identify the culprit.
That was a good one, and caused me to shake my head in amazement. Today I’d like to invite you to share a few of your work emails with us. I don’t want anyone to get into trouble, so feel free to edit names, etc., as you see fit. I’m especially interested in the following:
- Ball-busting, laying down the law, and that sort of thing. So much the better, if it’s about something trivial like the break room fridge or a missing tape dispenser.
- Baffling, out of context messages that couldn’t possibly mean anything to us outsiders.
- Any kind of weirdness, like my story above.
Or, anything else you’d like to share… Again, I don’t want anyone to get into trouble. So, no trade secrets, or potentially-libelous messages, please. We don’t need any of that. Let’s just celebrate the foibles o’ the workplace. Know what I’m saying? If you don’t have access to the email itself, feel free to re-create it, or simply tell us about it.
And I’m going to the undisclosed location now, and get crackin’ on the book project. I have to turn in a packet of stuff on September 3, and am feeling the pressure. I’ve got a lot of work to do, and the clock is ticking.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have yourselves a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Good luck in the yurt, and remember, we’re all counting on you.
SECOND!?
I think this qualifies (From two jobs ago):
Guys,
It’s unfortunate that I have to send this email but at this point I find it necessary.
I am sending this email targeting all that I believe use the upstairs men’s room.
Wiping snot on the men’s room walls is not only disgusting, it’s inappropriate and a health hazard. Not to mention that we also have visitors that use this restroom. Today, we have multiple vendors on site, one whom complained about it.
Think about the poor girl that works for our cleaning company whom we pay each month that has to clean this up each night, she’s someone’s wife, someone’s mom, someone’s daughter, put yourself in her shoes. I know I wouldn’t want my wife, or my mom, or anyone else for that matter to have to follow behind and clean up after someone with such disgusting bathroom habits.
Whomever is doing this please make it stop!
So… did you knock it off?
I did. Didn’t even realize I was “that guy” but it’s like trying to not say umm after someone points it out that you say it a lot. I was wiping snot on everrrrrything, the stalls, the urinal handles, the purell machine, the cat.
Somebody does that at my office as well… disgusting.
not a wierd one, but an example of micro managing and ruining morale:
context. day before Labor Day, regional VP lets all departments leave at 3 pm. finance manager was off that day, he specifically told us we could not leave early. the 4 of us sat there until 4:59, indicated on one of our watches, then packed up and left. (our watch must have been off a few minutes….)
memo upon returning after the holiday:
This is to emphasize that regular hours for the Finance department are 8 am to 5 pm (NOT 4:57 as happened last Friday). There will be no exceptions unless preapproved by the manager.
~~~
the guy must have had a spy cam hidden somewhere, but this is well before internet was invented!
The result:
from that day on, the 4 of us, who normally were in the office by 7:30, instead sat in the cafeteria until precisely 8 am, when we ‘clocked in’. and left right at 5 pm.
we all left the company for better jobs shortly thereafter.
So are you a gyno for samurais? Or a samurai who examines women? Or both?
As a former smoker, I have never heard of that one. That’s pretty smart – or not. When I was in college I had several old school professors. Several of them use to smoke in their office – and drink. I guess tenure gave them the power to do whatever they wanted.
I know of a few emails that would fit the bill.
1. An email that went to everyone in the department about whether to shut off the photocopy machine at night (the email went back and forth between various people all day) Note: the machine shuts itself off.
2. Various emails about people stinking up the place while cooking their food in the microwave. (I suppose this is a common one.)
3. Various emails having to do with rules and procedures that are never followed, or only followed when someone is looking to bust someone for something.
What about this one, just kind of weird, sent company wide. The case of the missing insulation!!!
Five pieces of 3 5/8” interior diameter pipe insulation was ordered from Grainger. It was supposedly delivered to [facility], but it can’t be found. Please let me know if anyone has seen the five 4’ lengths of this pipe insulation.
We have a lady in customer service that we email all the time, and I’m pretty sure she’s dyslexic. She sent an email to myself, my team lead, and my supervisor and opened with “Hey gays!” Not the only example of her dyslexia but we thought it was rather funny.
We just get random BS emails from the “secretary” of the VP off and on throughout the week.
We once had a employee use the [email protected] address to ask if anyone had seen the pizza that was supposed to have been delivered. The email went to all 8 hospitals, thirty something clinics and was then (IDIOTS!) responded “reply all” style by people saying “nope! Not over here!” Etc. It eventually crashed the email server for several hours.
I received this email last June, after being bumped into by a colleague in my office. I still don’t completely understand this message:
I’m very sorry for my carelessness… I normally try to carefully emerge, looking left, right and left… oops. I’m glad that your lunch was distributed across the hallway (emoticon)
Sorry he knocked you down… happy your lunch was scattered. Hmmm, was this person Hindu? Was your lunch beef and noodles?
I received this email today at 1:19 PM:
I think something might be missing or has been changed for this product in Admin? Can you please take a look and see if you can diagnose? Also having troubles with xxxxxxxx Displays, so we can solve w/o having to reach out to xxxxxxx in IT? Thank you! 🙂
Um. Yeah, no. I reported the problem, I am not your damned IT department.
I receive emails like these on a regular basis to help out in FOUR departments other than my own since I have “so many specialized skill sets”.
That is corporate speak for, “We KNOW you are really smart and can fix this so rather than hire more people and / or pay you more for everything you do, we are just going to use you at every chance we get and then tell you that your job description is always evolving”.
Fuck you very much.
At my previous job I was stopped by my manager one morning and told to have all of the “guys” in my department report to the break room for a meeting. We all went and sat down and he stood in front of us and as serious as he could said “I can’t believe I even have to have this meeting”. It turns out someone was shitting in one of the urinals in the mens room. I swear it took every bit of effort I had not to break out in laughter. The best was when He said there must have been an accomplice watching the door. Never did find out who it was.
It was probably the guy who complained about the urinal being out of TP.
And what kind of business was this?
It was the distribution center of a VERY large software retailer.
Because morale is at an all time high here (sracastic eye rolling face), an email went out to 70 employees, inviting their spouses/partners and children to a Family Fun Day on Monday August 26 at some country club. Swimming, basketball, tennis and luncheon provided.
6 people responded.
That’s a classic way of telling the company man to shove it deep and on a slant.
I know there are others – especially classic Instant Messages. I’ll have to dog around for them.
Another ‘reply all’ disaster. I worked for the federal government a few years back and some guy sent an email to EVERYONE (literally tens of thousands of people across the country and even the world) regarding some environmental cleaning product he was shilling. He got dozens of ‘no thank-yous’ from people who hit ‘reply all’ and then dozens more people sent out messages via ‘reply all’ to instruct people to not hit ‘reply all’ when replying to these sorts of things. A complete cluster fuck that put maybe a 100 useless emails into tens of thousands of inboxes. Jesus.
People here still refer to that reply all disaster as “the pizza email of ought nine”
Here is one from January, from the owner of my company. Evidently he spends his time surfing for Amazing Computer Tips. He’s really not a bad guy, but he’s kind of strange, and clueless in many areas.
“Dear Employee-Owner,
Happy new year!
Now that it’s the season of colds and other maladies, keeping whatever you touch clean and free of germs is a good daily practice.
A good way to start 2013 is to clean and disinfect your computer’s keyboard and mouse, your desk telephone, your mobile telephone, and anything else that you touch.
You’ll find Costco disinfectant wipes in our kitchens.
Here’s the link to cleaning safely electronics.
http://www.macworld.com/article/1164470/new_years_resolution_a_clean_mac.html#jump
All the best,
”
I like that Employee-Owner bit. We have an ESOP, which apparently means the company no longer matches 401(k) funds, but each of us “owns” some portion of the company. But “ownership” != control, which means we can all still be fired, have our pay cut, etc., and have no say in the way things are done.
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We typically get e-mails from a couple of disgruntled employees who constantly have to remind us to put our dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Our sinks are about two feet from the dishwashers, so I kind of understand their frustration. However, nobody asked them to load/unload the dishwasher, so I don’t understand why they feel like they need to be the self-appointed dishwasher Gestapo! If it bothers you that much, let the dishes sit in the sink!! Sheesh!
This came from the office manager:
Some men can use a urinal without soaking themselves and the floor in the process. However, if we judge from the swamp-like condition of CompanyX men’s rooms, the percentage of men who have mastered this useful art is not large. The principal difficulty, which will surprise few women, is improper aim.
Gary Uhl, director of design for American Standard, one of the leading makers of toilet fixtures states that considerable thought has gone into the design of the modern urinal in order to eliminate splash. The rear wall of the typical urinal is parabolic in cross section when viewed from above, and the porcelain finish is conducive to laminar flow. The principles of fluid dynamics tell us that a fluid striking a smooth surface at an oblique angle will tend to flow along that surface. Assuming the source of the fluid is near the focal point of the parabola–and modesty makes it unlikely he’ll stray too far–the fluid will run straight down the urinal wall with little or no splashing.
When asked if there was a “sweet spot” at which users should aim to minimize splash, Gary said no. Clearly, however, certain assumptions are being made, the foremost of which is that the user is going to aim for the back wall. (Actually, assumption number one is that the user is going to aim, period.) But some men wonder whether they should “splash into the water or the urinal deodorant block.” You’d think the answer would be obvious. Since it isn’t, let me put the matter plainly: If you splash into the water or the block, you knucklehead, the urine is going to splash back on you and/or the floor.
Another area of concern regarding urinal usage is men’s lack of ability to flush. It is believed that some users are unfamiliar with this handy device which is intended to rid the urinal of the previous user’s deposit. The user immediately following the anti-flusher risks getting the back splash of the previous person’s pee.
So what’s my point you may ask?
Please aim for the back wall of the urinal and ALWAYS flush when done.
———————————————————————————–
Hell, I wish I *could* hit the back of the urinal.
I just heard that Carl Rappaport might become an MLB manager.
“The cones you see around the office today are there to indicate which routes to best take from room to room. The path you should take is marked by a colored piece of paper sticking out of the top (yellow, blue, pink, etc.). Please follow your color accordingly and report back to me how much time you were able to save.
Thanks,
XXXXXXX”
Nobody ever saw any fucking cones. And she was fired later that day for being DRUNK at her desk at 2:00pm.
We did find a list of her money saving ideas in her desk which included: “hire Mexicans” and “cut the electricity off”
She was a receptionist, by the way.
Our management has some great money-saving ideas. Like “BYOD”, “reimburse mileage at 0.30 instead of the IRS’s silly notion of 0.565”, “fire your best installation technicians because they have the highest hourly rate”, “cut everyone’s pay by 10%” and “make every effort to piss off clients”.
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BYOD? Desk?
Device. Use your personal cell phone for work, and the company spots you $50 a month to help cover it. It costs them less than fully providing a phone for you, and you end up not carrying two phones (besides getting a little money). There are some disadvantages to the employee as well.
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I see. BOY Daiquiri would be effective.
From: The Department of Redundancy Department…
Please disregard this e-mail and all others in the past or future that you may or may not have regarded that should have been disregarded.
“Please consider your environmental responsibility before printing this email.”
WTF? Who prints emails?
.
90% of my co-workers.
I print emails. But I hate the earth.
This just in a few minutes ago, from a salesman at work (who is NOT supposed to be concerned about such things):
Please work with the install techs and make sure that all panels are fully and properly labeled. Shouldn’t there be a source button on this panel “Laptop”?
…to which I replied (thanks, Jeff) “What in the pan-fried hell are you talking about?”
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Since I work for the local gub-mint, I can’t share a lot of stuff, but there was a gem in our email about domestic terrorism and then a disclaimer at the bottom stating that none of the information in the email was to be taken as solid fact and that it was all opinions of an agency task-force who were “governmentally trained to think like terrorists”. How do I get that gig?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terry_Tate:_Office_Linebacker
Our CEO is a notoriously bad speller so you can tell when he sends his own emails out vs. his admin. The classic is when he misspelled is own name in the signature with “Bib”
One of my co-workers did something like that today. He sent email regarding the question of where to go for lunch, and suggested the Peruvian chicken place across the street. It’s called King Pollo, but he spelled it polio.
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We recently had an email that went out to the entire local government that I work for (approximately 3K people) that was a lengthy summation of a specific employee’s absence issues, FMLA abuse, and subsequent beginning of the steps to fire her ass. When I opened it, and realized what this person had done, my ass instantly clenched in horror.
I bet she won’t be late again.