After I left work last night the seatbelt in my car was acting funky. I climbed into the cockpit, as usual, located the partially-depleted can of Pringles, peeled off a stack, and snapped the belt into place.
And it had no bounce-back, if you know what I mean. It extended like it normally does, but there was no play. It just laid there, all limp and lifeless.
The crap? I started monkeying around with it, and couldn’t get it to work correctly. Before I knew it I had roughly twenty yards of seatbelt pulled-out, and it wouldn’t rewind itself.
I wasn’t even aware there was so much belt available; it just kept coming and coming. Man, a person that fat would have to remove both front seats to even fit inside a car. And the stuff was all piled-up at my feet, as useless as a pair of tits on a submarine, or whatever that phrase is.
I got out of the car, and tried to mess with it from a different angle, but it wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t see anything wrong, and all my maneuvering only made matters worse. The shit was hyper-extended, and only moving in one direction.
I’d have to drive home without a seatbelt, and that made me uncomfortable. In the 1980s I didn’t use those things at all, I stuffed them down into the seat like everybody else. But now it’s just second-nature, and I feel like Robbie Knievel if I so much as back my car out of the driveway without first buckling-up.
Wonder if I could plug it into one of the latches in the backseat? I actually considered this. I thought I could use the one on the passenger side, in the back. But, of course, that proved to be logistically impossible, so I just threw the fifteen pounds of fabric and nylon over my left shoulder, and started driving.
Yeah, and I didn’t like it, not one tiny bit. I had visions of me rocketing through the windshield, like a man shot out of a cannon, so I continuously messed with the junction point above my left ear.
Then something cut-loose, and the entire belt retracted into its housing. What a moment! It was as satisfying as getting a two-day popcorn husk out of your teeth, or suddenly busting loose from a traffic jam.
There was so much belt it took a good long time, but eventually all of it returned “home.” And I was able to secure myself, and put all those slo-mo crash test dummies out of my mind.
I sighed with relief, turned up George Noory, and lost myself in a discussion about strange lights over Philadelphia earlier in the evening. And all was right with the world.
I’ll be back tomorrow, with the other half of this half-assed update. Today’s been what we sometimes call a “challenge.”
I don’t really have a Question prepared, so why not just tell us your plans for the weekend? Some of you will read about mine, but only if you’re subscribed to the mailing list. Savvy?
Pass the beer nuts.
Shelly in St. Louis says
Could it be? 1st?
Top 5! WOW
Fourth. And we have Thanksgiving for my father in law’s side of the family on Saturday and on Sunday I take my next step in preparing for Nursing by taking a Basic Life Support for Health Care providers on Sunday.
And just for the heck of it, I have 19 business days left to work, 9 if they decline my 2 week notice.
Then it’s 39 weeks of study spread out over 49 weeks and I’ll be starting a new career. Woo hoo!
Oral Roberts says
I plan to quit drinking this weekend. It’s easy, I’ve done it a hundred times.
The strange lights over Philly were from the PETS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Seatbelts).
They are an alien race that believe that all seatbelts are sentient and are being held prisoner in cars by humans. Aparantly yours almost got away.
You did the right thing. Messing with it for a long time tires it out, it then returns to it’s cell and acts the way it is supposed to.
Oral Roberts says
Give the seatbelt a break. It’s been under a lot of stress lately.
Jorge, just how big are your tits that you are going to be able to start nursing?
Hey! I’ll be scrubbing toilets this weekend!! It’s what I do. Isn’t that how most small business owners spend their weekends? I am hoping for sunshine. Nothing like scrubbing toilets in the sunshine.
Okay, What if when the belt snapped back it was sudden and scared ya? It probably would have run ya off the road.
I hate things flying around on the inside of my car and almost crossed over a median strip once when a slurpee went for it and jumped out of my cup holder. Damn Slurpee.
I wish my seatbelt would loosen up (well, not that much, but some) – I am a short-torsoed 5’3″ so seatbelts come right at the base of my neck. I should probably sit on something (do they make adult booster seats?) because the second I actually get into an accident I will probably snap my neck. Or be decapitated.
Jorge – congrats on the career change!
My weekend –
Friday – play hockey, drink beer
Sat. – play hockey, drink beer
Sun. – score a hockey game, and hope someone asks me out for beer.
Misselle -they make little attachments that drop the level where the seatbelt crosses across. i got one for my mom.
I’m drinking vodka and attempting my hand at developing a web-app… and if my guy gets the office VPN set up I’ll be chained to the laptop playing slave to Crystal Reports XI… otherwise it’ll just be drinking.
I think I may give my lawn the “final mow’ of the year too… oh, and maybe drive to whole foods to get a pumpkin cheesecake for the office TG lunch next week.
Got to finalize T-Day menu, drink bourbon, do last minute shopping, drink bourbon, smoke some ribs, drink bourbon…it’s all coming together EXACTLY as planned.
Hoping to head to WV for Thanksgiving week. Not looking forward to the climate change though. Nothing like wondering where the black ice is on the Turnpike.
Lew in Bama says
I’ll be getting all gussied up in my evening finery and going to a charity ball. It is hosted by our local chapter of the Margarita Society and is to benefit Toys for Tots. So those of us who get invited throw on an evening gown or tuxedo, buy a toy, and show up at the civic center for the aptly named Margarita Ball and drink free margaritas all night whilst hob-nobbing with other snobby rich folks who got invited. It sure is fun to have wealthy and influential family/friends…they throw the best parties.
Since neither Auburn nor Alabama play this week, we’ll be stuck watching LSU vs OleMiss and Tennessee @ Vandy for our sports entertainment.
Evil Twin's Wife says
It’ll be a regular weekend around here. Jeff, I totally pimped your shirt on my blog today. Hope it got a few more orders. 🙂
Good Evening Surf Reporters……….
My typical weekends involve a short work related episode followed by an almost continuous 42 hour drinking binge.
However, the Steelers play tonight, so I may just start here real soon, come into work tomorrow morning red eyed and bushy haired.
Since Sunday will be sans Pittsburgh game, I’ll more than likely be a couch slug and perfect the method of drinking beer while lying down…
oh and JK~~~
I believe the saying is that something “is as useless as tits on a boar”.
Joe T. says
Taking my 6 year old boy to Beaver Stadium. (Watch it Oral and Father Bob) It’s supposed to be 35 degrees and windy so I suspect I’ll hear “When can we go home?” by kickoff…like last year.
Birthday Party, 25 ~10 year olds.
tits on submarine
Really? How did I get by this long without knowing that? Thanks!
As for weekend plans, none, really. For once!!!!! I am thrilled.
Weekend plans? I’m making Thanksgiving dinner for a dozen or so friends and family, including the now-traditional deep fried turkey. Got some groceries to fetch Friday.
Weekennd plans – avoiding strep throat. I suspect bourbon gargles might help, so Jim Beam, baby, here I come.
Between doding bacteria and random virii, I suspect the weekend will find me ath the grocery store doign the turkey trot and shopping for ‘sides.’ T-day is my favortie holiday of the year! Throw on a muumuu and pig on OUT. Whee!
Sheepers – the typos. Even reasonably sober I can’t put my fingers in the proper order to craft a coherent sentence.
Forget it. I’m not apologizing anymore. Y’all can figure it out on your own, can’t you?
other kristin says
My weekend will be boring compared to the sweet anticipatipn of hearing about Jeff’s. I’m on pins and needles here! 😉
I’m leaving for Memphis on Friday night and on Saturday I’m going to Graceland. Sunday is for drinking vodka and watching football. That is all.
Going to Virginia Beach for the weekend, and meeting another blogger, if we can work it out.
Good Morning Surf Reporters! I plan on shopping for a new HOG tomorrow. (Thats Harley for those of you with strange thoughts)
Scotty J in Funbar says
Gonna see the Whiskey Daredevils at the Empty Glass on Saturday and rawk muh face off!!
Son of Sam says
Going to Kennerdale and get drunk in the woods. Helping my friends set up bear camp usually turns out that way. Deep fry some wings outside in the snow and get smashed by the fire. Hope to find my way to the motorhome this year.
Getting my first real Ham radio Saturday and plan to spend most of the weekend on it. NOT going to Beaver Stadium. Have fun Joe . usually I get out of town but this weekend I’ll just stay in and hide from the football fans. Then dog training Sunday morning and back to the radio.
Yeah I know exciting. wooo.
Mrs. Wally says
Date night with the spouse. Local hockey game and mass quantities of beer. Followed by work tomorrow and Sunday funday! Football and beer, my favorite day of the week!
Billy Bob says
Going hunting in the morning. There’s a big 10 pointer out there with my name written on his forehead. I think a good topic would be deer camp stories. Always awesome when you mix tobacco, alcahol and firearms….
Father Bob says
Joe T. Isn’t 6 just a bit young to be introduce to the beaver?? Sorry couldn’t resist that. ORAL good luck. I have quit hundreds of times also. My only problem is that I start back the next day(morning). This weekend is for football, drinking, and church. Not in any particular order. THEN I will quit drinking for real. Ya that’s it after this weekend…
I am going to the beer engine in Cleveland. http://buckeyebeerengine.com/
(they got cask ale!)
they should also pay me for my shameless shilling.
My 95 SAAB does that crap all the time, only it jams short and I have to wait for the car to release it to pull it all the way across.
tony tony tony says
Ummmmm…..are these the translucents?
Jorge….Congrats. That’s awesome. I don’t see you out of a job in the near (or distant) future.
Weekend plans….Thanksgiving at the in-laws at precisely noon on Saturday. Anyone else know what happens at noon on Saturday? Think football.
BINGO the Ohio State / Michigan game?
I’ll be playing Jenga and drinking fizzy green sherbert stuff while the rest of of the region is watching THE GAME.