Nancy and Nostrils send their kids to some sort of “alternative” school where nobody receives grades, there’s no individual recognition, and they have couches and overstuffed chairs instead of desks.
And last week the older of the translucent children went on a field trip with his class, to (get this!) a puberty museum.
OK, maybe it wasn’t billed as a puberty museum, but that’s what it sounds like to me. It was all about changing bodies, and development, and whatnot. Nancy was a chaperone for this wonderful day-out, and told Toney is was completely interactive and fantastic.
One of the exhibits, Nancy reported, was about testicles. I mean, it wouldn’t be much of a puberty museum without a few dedicated testicle displays, right? She said there was a depiction of a naked man there, and kids could push a button and his nuts would light-up. They talked about how they “drop” during development, their reproductive function, etc.
I’m not sure if it was just a standard illumination, or if they were a pair of rotating disco balls. And I don’t know if the music of Moby played whenever the button was mashed, either. Toney didn’t ask enough questions.
There were exhibits showing little kids morphing into mature adults with luxurious 1970s Penthouse bushes. And something that depicted the development of a fetus, ending with a fairly graphic birth sequence.
Nancy said they also touched on “new smells” associated with puberty. I don’t know how this was handled, and need more information. Maybe they sent the kids down a conveyor into the darkened Tunnel of Yeast and Pit Stench. It’s unclear to me.
But can you imagine such a thing? Good god. I would’ve been completely horrified. Oh, I might have had a little fun with the light-up balls, but beyond that… An interactive puberty museum?! It gives me a full-body shiver, just thinking about it. That part of your life is to be survived, not… curated.
Last week’s royal wedding also triggered a crisis at the House of Nancy. She picked up the see-thrus from school on the day before the wedding, and saw little girls wearing paper crowns, or tierras, or whatever. And Nancy flew off the handle.
She called the school and demanded to know how they could possibly reinforce such stereotypical gender roles. Girls dressing up as princesses?? Nancy was still foaming-at-the-mouth angry when she told Toney about it.
That night, she and Nossy called a family meeting (heh), and told the translucents how terrible those paper crowns are, and why. And at this meeting Nancy made a very emotional, heartrending confession to her family. She informed everyone that when she was a teenager she once bought a magazine about (gasp!) wedding dresses, and would flip through it and fantasize about someday having a big, fancy wedding.
I’m sure there was much crying and hugging and statements of support, following this shocking admission. She told the translucents that everyone is misguided at certain points in their lives, but the important thing is to always strive for clarity.
Sheesh. The woman bought a magazine about wedding dresses 30 years ago, and that merits a press conference and Oprah-style festival of emotion?
And I don’t really have a Question for you guys today. If you’d like to comment on the stuff above, that’ll be cool. And if you’d like to guess what displays and exhibits they might have at the museum of puberty, that could be interesting, too. Use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Now playing in the bunker
Read Jeff’s new novel, Crossroads Road
Not first?
yup, your 1st
I’ll take it if you don’t want it…………………..
Nancy is flakier than a Pillsbury crescent roll.
“Tunnel of Yeast and Pit Stench”…priceless!
Do all of N&N’s neighbors keep the shades drawn on that side of their house?
Wow, who knew! I’ve never been a first-er before. Today feels kinda awesome now…
Wish I had something to comment on, but sadly, no. The puberty museum sounds horrible – I wouldn’t even want to venture to guess what other displays they had/have. I learned all I needed to know from a book, as I’m sure many others did before me. Books are great – you can put them down if the content becomes too icky or uncomfortable and then pick them back up when you are ready to grasp a concept and move on. Highly recommended.
Books? Probably good for girls/young women.
I’m sure a lot of us guys learned everything we (thought we) needed to know from magazines.
Pictures? Sure. But oh, the letters. “Little did I know that night when I went to the laundry room in the basement of my dorm….”
Nancy would not approve of you feeling awesome. Reel that doodoo in.
“Are You There, God? It’s Me Margaret”
Shit, I forgot about that. Then there was that other Judy Blume book, “Forever”. I remember that being pretty scandalous back in the day.
Wow, madz, talk about a blast from the past! I totally forgot about that book!
New smells? Ya suppose the translucents know what “stank” is now?
I hope you are exaggerating when you talk about Nancy…but then again, I hope you aren’t!
She must be a trip-and-a-half!
Those poor kids haven’t got a chance. They’re going to bounce from couch to couch their whole adult life.
Our field trips were never that interesting. We only went to museums, bread factories and stuff like that…somehow I feel deprived!
Its been a long time since I was this high, hehe.
Gross puberty is not museum worthy. Correct toilet paper usage and deodorant application maybe worth a class but isn’t that what HS health is for?
oh, how look forward to those Nancy and Nostril stories – any visits planned soon? 🙂
They are raising a couple of future spree killers. I just know it.
…or fashion designers. Guess it’s a toss-up.
I was just thinking the same thing! Maybe we can start a pool?
In the Puberty Museum, there should be a moon-calendar periodic table interactive kiosk
Those kids are going to be real f@#$ed up when they grow up. More than they are now. How are they going to cope with society when they are released? Hopefully they don’t kill themselves.
I think it would be a waste of time if there wasn’t an exhibit titled “Billy’s First Boner”.
I can’t even imagine what the other displays at the Puberty Museum might entail. Though one time I was at the Mutter Museum in the Hall of STDs (basically a long narrow room hung with molds of genitalia in various states of syphilitic decay) when a creepy guy of Comic Book Guy proportions siddled up and proceeded to hit on me. “Do you suppose they’re…..real?” he heavily breathed, and nearly caressed a lesion-laden vagina mold….
Scratch that, it turns out I can imagine what the Puberty Museum might be like.
Do a Google image search of “Mutter Museum”….if you dare. Mwah-hahahahaha!
I remember the woman who used to run this place until she died. She was on Dave on late night a lot and brought giant human hairballs to freak Dave out.
I live a few blocks from the Mutter Museum, so occasionally a friend or relative who visits me wants to see the M.M. if they haven’t before. I somehow manage to struggle through it, but always end up feeling a bit queasy and disoriented after about a half-hour. I think next time, I’ll just accompany the visitor to the door of the Museum, head to the nearest bar, and tell them to come get me after they’ve had their fill.
Here’s a shortcut to Google Images:
http://www.google.com/search?q=Mutter+Museum&hl=en&prmd=ivnsm&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=CErATYHXGMG1tgeXgsW8BQ&ved=0CD8QsAQ&biw=1024&bih=653
Coincidentally, the woman who used to run the place, and who died suddenly, was also named “Gretchen”. I got to meet her when I was a museum intern at a different local museum. She took myself, three other interns, and two curators on a behind-the-scenes tour. I was the last one standing at the end; everyone else had either hurried out to the courtyard to “catch some air” or flat out keeled over (for the record, it was the amputated Chinese bound foot that took out the fainter). They had to drag me out of there.
And by “amputated” I mean “fell the hell off.” Legend has it she asked the doctors if they could put it back on.
So jealous. I have a book about the Mutter. Always wanted to visit.
I’m still reeling at Nancy’s admission. How brave of her to admit to purchasing “Modern Bride.” I respect her so much more now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! WHAT A FREAKSHOW!!!!
Thanks. I needed this.
Search you tube for “Light Up Testicles!!!”. It appears to have been taken at the “museum” the little see-throughs visited.
The person shooting the video reacts as one should upon coming across such an interactive display!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzE-grs_CWc
Thanks for that. What would be even better if that were Nancy and Nostrils talking. Could be, I guess. Are they going around trying to speak like Brits/Aussies?
….unless that’s one of the Translucents doing their Harry Potter accent.
I can only hope there was an interactive display using lots and lots of lotion & a squirt gun. Just sayin’.
And it’d be totally bad-ass if during the male section of the puberty walk employees of the site could spray said guns randomly at passers-by, like a Navy Seal in a Pakistani compound. A random shot of lotion in a translucent’s eye would be a classic site to behold.
Yeah, a super-soaker full of egg whites.
Some years ago, while sitting in north Kuwait, we had a team called “The Whakin’ Chalk”. (For those not familiar with the lingo or context clues, a “chalk” is a type team).
The big circus tent we were staying in was at the far end of a gigantic compound in the middle of the desert. Across the “street” from us was the last tent before the infinite sand fields began. That tent was empty. We used to go play cards and hide out in there when there wasn’t anything to do. That is until we started noticing well preserved butt and hand prints in the powdery sand, along with used condoms and various unidentifiable traces of liquid.
We start staking the place out. We only got to do a raid twice, but was great fun both times.
Our team was made up of four guys. We would watch to see what end of the tent the couple was at. Then we would sprint through.
The first man in had a super powerful LED flashlight he would shine in the fuck buddies’ eyes to disorient them.
The second guy was responsible for spraying large amounts of hand lotion mixed with water on them.
The third guy had a piece of hose half filled with sand and taped closed on both ends. He would smack the couple a time or two. (Not to hard, just to fuck with the fuckers)
The forth guy would be responsible for rear security and picture taking. We set up a trip wire at each end of the tent that the fourth guy would have to make sure was set up before the raid began. None of the the pictures ever came out.
We would sprint through the tent, from one end to the other, with everyone running their parts of the operation. Jump over the trip wire (we all busted out asses the first time and almost got caught) and run around the camp for a while losing the tail.
I’m laughing over here. Sounds like a blast.
But.. really? You needed somebody for “rear” security? 😉
Hell yeah. You don’t want an angry naked guy with a raging hard-on chasing you through the desert without rear security.
I am glad that Nancy is who she is, because without her, you wouldn’t have as much to write about!! lol
“Willie’s Wet Dream”
“Paula’s Puddled Panties”
“You’ve had that tampon in HOW MANY DAYS?”
“When Tits Attack”
“My Pee Pee Grows When I Look At Sally”
Can I be a tour guide?
Piped in music is Divinyls Greatest Hit.
egads
I want there to be a display at the puberty museum where when you shake a girls hand her boobs get bigger.
There should also be a section that teaches young men-in-progress subtle ways to handle unwanted boners.
“Fallopian Flume Ride”
“Riffled Asses: When Puberty Goes Wrong”
“Pube Wrangling”
“Penile Curvatures of the World” (aka, “Wall of Wang”)
“Telekinesis: Typically Not a Part of Puberty”
LOL! (especially that last item)
“New smells associated with puberty” reminds me of a rather disturbing story, and fair warning: If you’re the sensitive type stop here and go read Cathy.
Back in my younger days I had a friend named Paul. Paul was a good guy. The kind of guy every girl SAYS she wants: genuine, honest, hardworking. He was also a complete doofus and couldn’t find a clue if you nailed it to his head. When we were in our early 20’s Paul dated this chick named Dee (which I presume is short for Deanna, but who knows). After a few weeks Paul began to wear on her a bit and she started dropping decreasingly subtle hints that she wanted things to end. He didn’t clue in very quickly, so she decided to up the ante: One evening while they were “romantically entangled”, Dee told Paul to go down. What she forgot to mention was that she was “riding the cotton pony”. I obviously wasn’t there to witness it, but even by Paul’s account it took him a bit to figure things out and when he did she flipped the light on and laughed her ass off.
When he told us this the next day we had a lot of questions, but I started with the obvious: How could you not know? Menstrual blood does have a distinctive odor, (and it’s not like he’s “Multiple Miggs” sniffing out Agent Starling from 10 feet away, he was RIGHT THERE!) how could you not notice? On the bright side the whole incident did clue Paul into the fact that Dee was not the girl he was looking for, so I guess it all worked out in the end.
/Sorry, but that’s what “the smells of puberty” dredges up in my mind.
“Multiple Miggs” LMAO! “Come closer, Clarice”
At least he can say he earned his Red WIngs.
Think about that one everytime you watch hockey.
Am I the only one that thought, He TOLD you about it?
Paul was one of those guys who needed support from his friends, and he was really freaked out by what happened
(too bad he was stuck with us…..).
Also, to be fair Dee told us (and everyone else) too, so it was in his best interest to get his side out first. It actually cost her a lot of friends. I’m all for cruel jokes, and Paul was one of my favourite targets, but that crossed a line.
Oh, I can just imagine the “displays” at the Puberty Museum. Nancy wigs out about paper crowns but has no problem with flashing balls. I shake my head.
So…if there were nads all lit up, I wonder if they had boobies lit too? Or just the nips. Did they have dildo’s mounted so they could practice rubbers being applied? I think we just had a Bunker Cam with that photo. And I wonder if they had a demonstration on how to insert an OB Tampon because that is still a fucking mystery to me. What about oral sex? Did the guys/dykes practice “drawing” the alphabet with their tongues? These are things we need to know!
Hall of smells, fish and peep show booth?
So, in Nancy’s world, is everybody a eunich? Girls are princess/queens, boys are princes/kings. Those translucents are going to end up transgendered.
Just for the hell of it:
New Drink. binLaden
2 shots and a splash of water.
Set it up, madz!
I also just heard that all mini-marts, convenient stores, hotels, and 7-11’s will be closed for the rest of the week due to a death in the family.
I just heard this from outside my office door:
Guy 1: The worst thing about having a threesome is the cross jet-stream spray from the other dude.
Guy 2: What the fuck are you having a threesome with another dude for?
Puberty Museum Exhibits:
–Gallery of wet-dream sheet stains
–Guide to stashing porn so your mom can’t find it
–Hall of acne
–Pube simulator for late-bloomers
–Locker room flaunting demo for the hormonally gifted
I’m also reminded of an old skit (late 80’s) from David Letterman featuring Larry “Bud” Melman who was answering questions from viewers. One woman asked where is the best theaters are in New York. Larry replied that you could see the best shows on 42nd street “and everywhere the magical smell of men enjoying themselves”
Heh! Man I loved that show during those years.
I remember that too!!. Still funny.
The Museum of Puberty sounds unutterably horrible. Nancy is providing for the retirement funds of a couple of therapists.
.
While on this sort of topic:
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/04/sex_ed_with_hp_lovecraft.php
lol great post.
probably the first pair of testicles Nancy’s ever seen, outside her own, and her mother’s, of course
I’d pay good money to sit in a room with Nancy, and listen to her, and everytime she says something stupid, bitch-slap her!