After being hammered by snow on Thursday, another six inches fell on Friday. We’re so beaten-down by now, it felt like nothing. But I had to go out there and shovel again, before I left for work. And I’ve about had it with that crap. Our driveway is almost like a tunnel at this point; both sides are taller than our cars. There’s almost no place to throw the snow.
Yes, the profanity was coming quickly and in unusual combinations.
The photo above is our deck, taken yesterday afternoon. You can see the substantial size o’ the snowpack. But Toney cleaned it off, and transferred everything to the yard. I’m glad she did it while I was working — and I didn’t know about it — because I would’ve been a nervous wreck. It’s a wonder the whole goddamn thing didn’t fall off the house, and take her with it.
This winter is outrageous. It’s like the apocalyptic winters of my youth, which I’ve undoubtedly exaggerated in my mind. But this is the real thing, and it’s not my dad shoveling and driving in it… it’s me. Wotta rip-off.
Andy (aka Blacklips Houlihan, aka The Snout of Truth) is having trouble with it, too. He looks like a porpoise at Sea World, moving across the yard. He disappears for a second, reappears a foot away, disappears again, etc. He’s using the dainty rear-chassis-drop method for peeing, and that seems to serve him well. But the shitting is a BIG production.
It takes him a long time to find the proper spot, which annoys me to no end. I can’t figure out the criteria he’s using to make the determination. “Just do it!” I scream, like a coked-up Nike executive in a whorehouse (or whatever).
When he finally divines the proper spot, he begins rotating with his head beneath the snow. Round and round he goes, until he’s created a crop circle roughly four-feet across. Then he walks out into the middle of it… and takes a triumphant dump. And after he finishes, he Sea Worlds it back to the house with a smile on his face.
“Good work,” I always tell him, genuinely impressed.
I apologize for writing so much about the weather. I mean, seriously… But it’s been dominating our lives over the past few weeks. It’s just one storm after another. And when it’s not snowing, it’s 1 degree outside. Sheesh.
So, let’s turn this one into an update about outdoor shitting, instead… You know, like Andy does it.
Sometimes, after a few beers, I might take a leak out of doors. Especially if it’s past midnight during the summer, and I’m waiting for the hound to serve up his final yard cruller of the day. But I can’t remember ever crapping outside. It’s probably happened, but I’m getting no results with my mental Google search.
What about you? Got anything on this one? How about novelty urination? I once peed on a guy’s clean and folded laundry. Heh. It was a simpler time.
If you have anything on these important subjects — outdoor pooping and stunt pissing — please share them in the comments section below.
And I’m going to go find something to eat now. Good god, it’s been almost two hours since my last feeding. I cannot be expected to continue under these conditions!
See you again soon, my friends.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
wirt shandly says
You read about dem dere dogs peeing in accordance with the earth’s magnetic field? Science!
Not me but I was with my cousin when she had a major diarrhea attack. She had to run up behind the railroad tracks and explode. She had one (count it – one) cotton ball to wipe with. Its 35 years later and I’m still laughing about it.
I can’t take it anymore myself. My husband just went out to his car and there is a chunk of his rear bumper missing. Idk if he hit an ice chunk and it broke off or a snow plow clipped him. Who the hell knows at this point. He doesn’t know how it happened. It’s a god damn mystery. I’m not one to complain about weather but this shit is crazy.
Skippy in WV says
I’ve taken a dump outside before. Anyone that’s gone camping has. I witnessed someone “stunt pee” out of a car window at 55 mph one time.
My younger brother is one of those snooty, wants to give the impression of class and wealth, kinda guys. Even though he wants to appear better than most of us, he still suffers from bowel problems, which serves him right.
On this day, he was early for a counseling session with his soon-to-be ex and, to kill time, he decided to take a walk through an upscale cemetery. I feel pretty sure he was scouting for a prime location to have his dream crypt built. Well, while in the cemetery, the urge hit him in the worst way. All he could do was squat behind one of the larger tombstones, drop trou and explode. There was nothing nearby to clean his feces splattered ass, so he grabbed a few leaves and did the best he could. Needless to say, the stench of the liquid deuce lingered and clung to his clothes and body. However, being the type to never miss any kind of counseling session, he proceeded to the counselor’s office and the session went on as scheduled. I still think the smell of raw shit may have been the clincher when it came to the end of this ill-fated relationship.
And to this day, I still can’t believe he shared this story with me. I often wonder if he ever shared the story with his ex. 🙂
“Stunt Peeing” is something that needs to get more traction.
The snow keeps me from obsessing about my licorice-scented water. Mostly.
Last Summer on a hot day I took a 4-5 mile walk with my wife. Just about time to turn around and head home I could feel the rumbly in my tumbly. She said “let’s go you can make”. But the contractions were getting closer and closer together. About 1/2 mile from home I was really hurting and I just had to go. I ran up to a construction port-a-John and basically exploded. She knew not to wait for me. Now I had to somehow get out of the port-a-John without any neighbors seeing me. So I had to listen very carefully at the dog walkers and bike riders to sneak out of the 120 degree shithouse. I think I made it out unnoticed but every time we walk she asks me if I need to stop and drop.
I’m drawing a blank on the stunt pissing. As for number two, does “while swimming in the ocean” count as “outdoors?”
John Smith says
I know a girl who could pee her name in the snow. Her name was Dot.
Once I was taken deer hunting and didn’t much care for the “wait around for a deer to show” part. I was cautioned that if I had to relieve myself, I should go far away from the deer stand so that my human odor wouldn’t taint the air. I got tired of sitting motionless in the deer stand and my guts began a familiar rumble that let me know i’d better climb down before something went amiss in my trousers. Just descending from the perch seemed to make the pressure in my large intestine even greater, and I managed to make it about 5 feet to another tree, where I proceeded to totally ruin the “no humans around here” illusion that deer hunters try to maintain by laying down a human version of a cow patty that I managed to cover up with some leaves. Needless to say, bambi was safe that day, but my bowels were happy.
Phil Jett says
I was living in Oahu and was hanging out at a quiet beach in Waimanalo on the SE side of the island when I was hit with a wave of stomach cramps. There was a beach park not to far away, not close enough to walk but a drive was possible. I started the walk to my car but halfway there things really started to percolate. I didn’t think I could make it to the car and there was no where nearby to stop and drop. I decided to make a run for the ocean and did a run, stop, clinch, run, stop, clinch, run into the water. I got neck deep and dropped my drawers and let it fly.
I found out my sphincter was not quick enough to shut the door before getting a salt water brine shrimp enema. Burned like hell but I got out clean.
John Smith says
I wanted to punch a guy at my kid’s soccer game on Saturday.
He was bitching about how hot it was for February (what, like 80 at 10am). I saw the Michigan t-shirt on him, took a little pity, and told him he would acclimate. He told me he’d been here for 8 years? WTF??!! He’s been here 8 YEARS and he’s still wearing Michigan shirts!?!?!
If you move to the desert, on purpose, you lose all rights to bitch about the heat after 8 years. Otherwise, flights leave daily.
This winter makes me think of the Winter of 1977, and 1993.
It’s not up to the standard set by 1996, or 2009.
lew in bama says
Canoe trip. Ever the responsible one, I alwasy take a roll of toilet paper on outdoor avdentures in case one of the guys needs it. And on several occasions I’ve been thanked for being prepared. 9am, 6 of us had been dropped off at the starting point with 4 of the canoes, while the others went for the rest of the canoes and people, and left a car at the pick-up point. Rumbings started, and being a sufferer of IBS for years, I knew I had at most 2 hours, but not the required 6 to make it through the whole trip. I marched up the dirt road about 100 yards after announcing I had to pee, did my business and covered it with a wad of toilet paper. Never told the boyfriend or anyone else about it.
As for outdoor peeing….been doing it since I was little. I have the smallest bladder ever. Can hover, pee, and drip dry in under a minute without ever hitting my shoes. The key is to get as close to the ground as possible to avoid any splashback.
WB in OH says
I don’t think I’ve ever pooped al fresco.
I once got into a yelling match with a douche bag at the valet and pissed on his Ferrari… and I’ve taken many a crap outside while out at the ranch in my youth. Now my office is 3 minutes from my house… so I can completely ignore the work crap if I want to.
Al K. Hall says
It’s winters like this one that make me remember to never bitch about how hot it gets in July and August.
Bill in WV says
I don’t know what it is, but outdoor shits stink a lot worse than indoor ones. Does that little bit of water mask the smell that much? Also, why do all outdoor dumps come out like DQ soft serve?
I’ve pissed outside a lot. But I’ve never taken a shit outside. These situations that some of you describe where you’re going along and suddenly the uncontrollable urge to shit comes upon you has never happened to me.
I’m just better able to pick and choose where and when I shit. Does that make me a better person? Yes, I think it does.
Oh, and I won’t be complaining about the cold – ever. I prefer it over the heat 10 to 1.
WB in OH says
Sez the guy from Alabama…
The Qweezy Mark says
I run and hike, so shitting outdoors happens occasionally. Most often on Sunday mornings after a Saturday night of partying.
One more thing on the fecal (subject) matter, and then I’ll let it drop. http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive/3235
I piss outside all the time. If I know one one is watching, I let it fly. Even if I have to go out of my way to do it, I do. Analyze it how you wish.
Rat Bastard says
I’ve done a lot of primitive camping, so the answer is yes. A folding army shovel and a roll of TP are your best friends the morning after drinking cases of beer and eating questionable food cooked over a fire.
Stunt peeing: our old band van had a hole rotted through the floor in the back corner. No need to stop at highway rest stops to piss when on the road.
Dirty Frank says
Yes on outside deuces. Many times in an outhouse, which to me doesn’t count, but a couple of times when hunting. Fortunately, had a hanky available to clean things up, luxury TP. Is that what the rich folks use?
The second time I shot a huge deer a couple of hours later; never would have got him if I had bothered to find an indoor facility. Of course, the dump spot was not close to the place where I got the deer.
I put this in a reply the other day, but it’s more appropriate with today’s post :
Timmy Dunbar says