I’m not sure how many of you heard, but Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, died while I was away. It didn’t seem to get much coverage, so it might have slipped past a few of you.
In any case, it’s always sad when the head of a major corporation leaves us, and it hit me fairly hard. I know I’m not alone in feeling just a tiny bit more thankful that we still have the CEOs of Kraft Foods, ConocoPhillips, Honeywell International, and hundreds of other enormous business enterprises. We must cherish the survivors, and count our blessings. And may God continue to smile upon the United States of America.
Ahem. It’s good to be back. I had a wonderful vacation, and feel roughly a million times better than before it started. Occasionally I become so overwhelmed by self-created chaos, I’m practically paralyzed. It seems ridiculous from the outside looking in, but when you’re in the middle of it… it’s a different story.
But I got everything caught-up, completed some long-overdue projects around the house, and even cranked out a few chapters of the next book. It was fantastic. Now if I can just figure out a way to live that way full-time… You know, working my ass off, but actually doing stuff I like? Wow, my sphincter just winked!
I want to thank all the guest writers who took up my slack last week. All did a great job, and it’s much appreciated. Here are the links to each:
Aaron Starmer
Angry White Guy
Brad
Jason Headley
metten
Evil Twin’s Wife
Thanks, folks! You’re awesome, and helped to make it a very interesting week, indeed. One of the updates – Jason Headley’s – went full-blown viral, and is still attracting traffic. We’re getting comments from all over (as one of my aunts would put it) carnation.
It was a lot of fun, and I sincerely appreciate everyone who contributed. Good stuff. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to properly motivate Buck. He called me a pussy, forwarded a photograph of a steak that looked like a vagina, sent a cryptic note about someone in Dunbar arrested for “pleasuring” himself, and then nothing. Hey, now that I think about… maybe all that WAS the update? Dammit!
While I was away, I also posted this really cool interview with Shary Flenniken. She created the Trots and Bonnie comic strip which ran in National Lampoon magazine for nearly twenty years. At the CrossroadsRoad site you can read the story about how it all happened, and why it turned out to be even more awesome than I’d planned. Check it out. And read the comments about the interview at Metafilter as well, after CitizenX mentioned it there.
Also, while I was away… Clive Bull started a blog. A few months ago he walked away from his late night radio show in London, after thirty years or thereabouts, and I’m still going through withdrawals. I happened upon his program one day in 2001 (I’m pretty sure), and got hooked. Eventually I started paying a monthly fee, so I never missed a minute of it. For about ten years I listened religiously, and then he was gone. His blog is in the early stages, but I’m gonna keep an eye on it. It’s good to be hearing from him again.
Oh yeah, and remember that so-called “texture booth” at my job, which I told you about before I left? It was some sort of ridiculous contraption where you put your hands through a curtain and felt stuff on the other side, without seeing it. There were five items, and you had to write down your guesses for each. Well, you want to know who identified all five correctly? Yep, I am the texture booth master!
Out of the hundreds of people who work there, only four or five of us were victorious. Chick peas in water! That was the one that separated the men from the boys. I sure as hell hope they erect a permanent plaque in our honor. I mean, chick peas in water! That shit deserves a plaque.
I’m reading a good book on my Kindle, about an American husband and wife who hate their jobs, and one day just pack it all in and move to Costa Rica. It’s non-fiction, and is written for laughs. It’s also self-published, like mine, so if it sounds interesting to you… please check it out. It’s funny, and I like to support indie authors. Especially the good ones.
And it also got me to thinking… If you were somehow able to quit your job and go into early retirement, where would you like to live? I’m not talking about hitting a lottery, or having tons of money. I mean, maybe (for fantasy purposes) half a million dollars for housing, and some kind of monthly income, like a pension or somesuch. Where would you go? What would you do?
I have two scenarios: a house on the beach in South Carolina, and a condo in a high rise in the Buckhead section of Atlanta. Either would be fine with me, and Toney as well. We daydream about this kind of stuff, and will hopefully be able to pull it off someday. Costa Rica? No. Atlanta is as far south as I’d want to venture.
What about you? What would you do, if you were able to pack it all in and go into a semi-comfortable retirement? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Now playing in the bunker
Follow Jeff at Twitter and Facebook
Jeff…
Glad to hear you managed to recharge your batteries. I really appreciated the switch-hitters — um, sorry, I guess that would technically be pinch-hitters. Awfully nice, though, to have you back.
John
As for the QOD, I might choose the last city in the United States in which smoking tobacco is welcome in bars and restaurants and smoking dope is welcome everywhere but church. Thanks for askin’.
jtb
And lastly, although I don’t Facebook myself, I’m glad Carol Brookhart now “likes” the West Virginia Surf Report. I see that you’re now above a thousand “likers”. Again, I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it has to be better than being above a thousand people who “think the WVSR smells like musty laundry in a whorehouse” or who “think the WVSR gets turned on by little girls and Secretary Clinton”.
Mahalo.
jtb
Whenever I hear “smells like” I can’t help but think “a vagina-full of bad decisions.”
Welcome back Jeff.
Manhattan, Don’t laugh! I went last year and fell in love with the place. You can stuff tropical paradise up your poo pipe, it’s concrete and people every time for me.
I would go back to Boone, NC. I know I continually made fun of the rednecks and hillbillies I encountered there, but it was the best four years of my life, economically. It was quiet. We only moved back to Sarasota due to the fact both of the Child Bride’s parents lived here and were a good source of babysitting, after AngryWhiteGirl was born so that we could get a night of sanity to ourselves once in awhile. Up there, we had nobody to do that. Once we got back here, the school that AwesomeWhiteBoy was in, and now, my daughter, as well, provides them with the potential of full ride scholarships to college. Nothing like that in Boone. I would go back to my house on the mountaintop and let my gargoyle go back to his place on display, offending the Christian Fundamentalists and live out my remaining days in peace.
If I ever win a ridiculous amount of money I will fund you to move back to Boone as long as the hilarity keeps coming.
If you ever move back to Boone I will personally see to it that Jesus Himself cleanse the mountaintop of sinners like yourself.
Ardna – My real name
At least you’re consistent. Harsh sentiment, harsh name.
My ideal life of leasure would be somewhere warm. I found that as the years go by I have less tolerance for the gray, cold, freezing weather of Ohio. I picture a gulf or gulf-adjacent hovel with little or no grass to cut. Don’t start with the change of season bull either, fall and spring do not make up for the 4 months my testicles are imbedded in abdominal cavity.
I’ve already done this mental exercise. Considering what the dems have done to our country, my retirement housing requirement is going to be an urn.
Looks like our friends at Netflix have decided that their customers aren’t particularly fond of New Coke. I bet their execs will still get a fine bonus like the other corporate executive dicks who run the country.
jtb
Uh, that’s what makes this a great country?
I’d move me and the missus to Jasper, Alberta. I’d be happy just picking up trash behind the tourists. Princess would run a book store or a small place with homemade donuts & coffee.
Not sure what we’d do with the kids. I guess they’d have to stay in the states. :/
We would build a log house in the country, still in western PA. I would be able to give my full attention to my jewelry and my boyfriend would build bikes “Dirt McGirt’s Cycles”.
I would want a house on the Jersey Shore No. no, no – not near Snookie et al – good God, I have a few working brain cells still left – but a little further south in a town called Lavalette or, if I struck it really rich, I’d get one of those huge houses on the beach in Mantoloking. (could that sentence be any longer?)
Lavalette looks like someone dumped a huge game of Monopoly – the tiny bungalows are all in proportion.
I’ve had this dream for about 35 years. I wpuld love to one day see it happen.
Welcome back, Jeff.
A cabin in the woods and a shapely adorable. Life is good.
Thanks to the Bunker Cam, I now know what to shop for for Beloved’s Christmas present.
Elephant underwear are always appreciated.
Fans of Steve Jobs deserved that bit of SNARK. Way to serve it up!
It is amazing how great someone was after they die. Gerald Ford – greatest President EVAR! Same hype with Steve Jobs. Hell, they were even saying how great Al Davis was the last couple of years.
I just took a better look at th Asian Doritos bag and noticed the guy is giving thta lady a stomp to the crotch.
And here I as going to make a joke about them probably being “Shrimp” flavored Doritos.
Now available in tuna.
The older I get the more people in general seem to annoy the shit out of me. So if I could just get away from it all tomorrow, somewhere away from the general population would suit me just fine. The interior of Alaska, for instance. But my wife hates any temperature under 100 degrees, so that’s out. I, myself hate being outside when it’s much over 80, but I’ve always been fairly indifferent to cold. As it is, I probably won’t live long enough to retire anyway. So it’s all an exercise in fantasy anyway. In the meantime, I’m stuck in Las Vegas for the week for a work related conference. And coming back next week for a couple days to visit with my brother and sister-in-law. At least I’m not actually at work for a couple weeks. And I had a cute 20-something blond try to pick up on me last night. Sure, she was working, but still at my age I can pretend she was really interested in something besides a couple hundred bucks.
Where would I go?
That’s easy enough. I’d move on down near the Gulf; specifically to Foley, AL. Just a short drive down I-65 from Dogballs. Easy to come back to see the grandkids whenever. We love the beach, but not necessarily right on it. Just close enough so that you can casually get up and say “lets’s go to the beach” like most folks would go out for the morning paper. The food, the attitude, the lifestyle; able to commune with Mother Ocean anytime the world gets oppressive. In the words of The Great Buffett ” I wanna be there; I wanna go back down and get high by the sea there.”
Life would be good……
One of my friends totaled a car around Citronelle this summer. He hit a bear. A damn bear. Explain that one to the insurance company.
I might move to Flint Michigan where the fucking houses are selling for about 8 thousand each.
Steve Jobs died??
Yes, It had something to do with the iLlness
I’d move to a farmhouse in the country, away from pretty much everyone. The older I get, the less I like “the general public”.
Angry White Guy is still here??? LOL!!! I haven’t been to this site in awhile, so this was a nice surprise!
Purely as a place, I like the Catskills: rural, generally pleasant climate including Real Winter, things to do, convenient-ish to NYC. Then again, I don’t know anybody there. Right now I live at about 39 degrees north latitude, and that is PLENTY south for me.
And welcome back, Jeff!
.
i want to live in a cottage at the southern tip of whidbey island or on Lake Crescent.. The most beautiful blue water I have ever seen. Or Port Ludlow.. (very knitter friendly.. yes, I knit)
Pacific City Oregon, on the bluff overlooking the Pelican Brewery, in amongst the chevron granite hills, the scrub pine and the tall beach grass. Spend the rest of my life watching Haystack rock be battered apart by waves, sending down for chili and beer, and soliciting the favors of friendly young men short on cash. Oh yeah.
Hmmm, probably somewhere around Sevierville, TN. I love the mountains. It’s close to the national park, but it’s not the all-out redneck tacky sideshow that is Pigeon Forge. If I choose my total fantasy, it would be the Highlands of Scotland. I love rain, I like cool weather, and I’m not really a fan of the sun. Too many migraines with light sensitivity.
One of my co-workers says he wants to retire to Scotland. A friend who is from the Lowlands (Dundee) describes Scotland as “a small country full of small-minded people”. I’ve never been there myself; don’t make the news, just report it.
Still, I think Scotland in general, and the Highlands in particular, would be a very cool place to at least visit.
.
It is, they are! I only spent 2 days in Scotland – in 1989 – but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a lot of fun.
Current headline on CNN.com: MJ Bigger Than Elvis
I thought they might be talking about the basketball guy, but no, they’re talking about the pop singer.
Bigger gut: Elvis
Bigger penis: Elvis
Bigger voice: Elvis
Elvis was and is the King. MJ is, at best, Alien Queen. I mean the singer, not the basketball guy.
jtb
MJ… meaning Michael Jackson, the middle-aged English writer on subjects malty, who shuffled off this mortal coil four years ago?
.
I’d like to live in Belize, but would be happy in the Ohio area again.
After a negative post-dining experience, I’ve decided to stop buying food from street vendors in Tucson.
I think the wife and I have decided on Tennessee. We’ve done a bunch of research on the locations of natural disasters and found central TN to be a reasonably safe area. There are some better places, such as the Wyoming/Montana/Idaho tristate area, but it gets way to snowy up ’round them parts.
Just $750,000 more dollars in the bank and we’re set.
Tennessee or Umbria.
When I worked in NC, the lawyer I worked for was licensed in Tennessee also. We could always play the guessing game when people walked in the door as to who was a NC client and who was a TN client by either counting their fingers or ears. TN clients tended to have less. The “neighbor” factor is important in such a decision.
I plane on having a few hundred acres and to breed hillbilly eating deer with razor sharp teeth.
I would probably have the biggest condo at this joint –
http://www.sanalfonso.cl/
Like the fingers and ears game I find a game of fat or pregnant to be quite enjoyable.
I thought so too, until one individual turned out to be pregnant, but she was so fat you couldn’t tell by looking. Not my doing, thank bloody bog.
.
I think I could retire to Napa Valley.
I did it – moved to Italy a year and a half ago. Couldn’t be happier. I ain’t getting rich, but I have no stress….
ahhhh………
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!