On Saturday Toney and I went to a few stores, and had lunch at Moe’s. And it appears I’ve almost completed the transformation from regular guy to full-blown misanthrope. Nearly everybody in the general public irritates me in some way, almost every single person. I didn’t used to be like this… not this bad, anyway.
Below, I’ll briefly tell you about some of the stuff I was bitching about during our brief outing. Then you can tell me if I’m losing my grip, or have valid complaints. OK? OK.
There was a guy in Sam’s Club who was wearing a pair of gay-ass sandals, and couldn’t muster enough energy to actually lift them all the way off the floor as he walked. So, he was basically cross-country skiing through the produce section. I told Toney we needed to adjust our route, so we weren’t following this idiot through the whole store; I couldn’t be held responsible for what might happen if I was around him much longer. So, we went off the standard grid, and there he was again! Just shuffling along in his fudge-buster shoes. Man, I hated that guy.
Also at Sam’s, they were giving out a few interesting food samples in the back. But there are always jackasses who walk up to the stand, take whatever they’re offering — and eat it right there. They don’t bother to move out of the way for the next person, they eat their cracker and cheese (or whatever) right in front of the stand. Then they tell the old lady what they think about it. This ain’t a wine-tasting, dicklips! Get out of our way!! Plus, who gives a crap about your “reading” of potato salad. Fuck you.
That one is very similar to people who spend five full minutes at the ATM, pushing buttons like they’re playing Galaga. Then they stand in front of the machine at the end STUDYING their receipt, as if it contains encrypted messages from the great beyond. Move! There are other people in this world, it’s not just all about you. As the great philosopher George Costanza says, “We live in a society!”
Inside Target there were a lot of people communicating via hollering. They’d waddle in different directions, but continue to carry on conversations through yelling. One flesh-mound of a woman was telling another hill o’ skin about her recent surgery, from the shoe department to the women’s clothing section. Just screaming across a great expanse…. I wished I had the power of the firestarter.
Also in Target, there were a lot of assholes — fully realized assholes — walking around in Jersey Shore “fashions” and acting like total imbeciles. God, my skin is crawling just thinking about it… Whether it was genuine or (more likely) a pose, it doesn’t really matter. ASSHOLES, either way.
It also bothers me greatly when people walk around with way too much beverage. Know what I mean? Big Gulp cups… ludicrously large energy drinks… coffee cups like a fire extinguisher… giant clay jars of iced tea… All of it angers me. Exercise a little self-control, pigs.
And another thing that bugs me: those people (usually in the electronics departments of stores) who speak with a slightly condescending air of authority. Like they’re explaining something to a large retarded boy… I heard one of those dudes in Target on Saturday talking to a woman about a camera. I wanted to push him down.
I walked out of a Best Buy because of that, once. Some zitster was telling me a bunch of boolshit in an insulting tone — I think he was trying to sell me an expensive antivirus program for a new computer, and was talking to me like I didn’t understand any of it. So, I told him he could ram it deep and on a slant, and bought my new computer online.
And at Moe’s… there was one of those guys who can’t stay in his seat. He was constantly getting more napkins, a refill on his soda, a salsa top-off… He was just up and down, up and down. And while he was up, he was always chewing.
Plus, I heard someone in there use one of my new most-hated phrases: “vacay.” “Five more days until vacay!” Grrr… It makes my whole body go rigid.
So, there you are. If you’d like to psychoanalyze me, go ahead. Or maybe you have an opinion about some of my “observations?” Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll try not to be so bitter tomorrow.
See you then, my friends.
The title of todays update is the second best bit of prose that has ever come out of The WVSR in my opinion. I’ve stolen it as my facebook status.
The only sentence that stand ahead of it is the comparison of Einstein asleep to “Gomer Pyle in a gas leak”. Man, I can’t even type that without laughing.
It’s simply brilliant. This is one for the books.
All of these are legitimate, Jeff. Going crazy is a different question. Don’t mind if I do.
Current peeve: poor grocery store etiquette. Like people who push a cart into the store, then stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR to – dig out the shopping list? Behold the awesomeness that is Wegman’s? – thus blocking my way. These might be the same ones who abandon a cart, leaving it blocking an aisle, while they wander off to Frozen Foods or whatever.
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Watch out for the slow ass people who push the cart with their elbows or forearms. They’re bent over the cart, unless they’re short, and slowly pushing like they have all the time in the world.
People who walk next to their cart, pulling it by the side, also annoy me. There’s not enough room in the aisle for that! Get behind the damn cart and push it.
Unfortunately, Moe’s annoys me. There is a formula to the restaurant copied many times over. Chipotle’s Freebird, Qudoba’s and countless other places serve the gigantic burritos containing 95% rice combined with a tiny amount of steak, chicken or whatever. I go to these places once and discover the rice burrito and never return.
I always tell ’em to hold the rice filler. I’m not running a marathon for chrissake. I haven’t heard anything about the misery that starts before you even get in the store. I’m talking about the self absorbed soccer mom backing into her space with the cell phone clamped between her jowl and half neck. Its enough to make a tibetan monk kick over his mandala. Of course it goes without saying that the temple of miscreants, the veritable magnet for dumbassery is the DMV. I’m not talking about the staff either. In this age of the internet, there is no excuse for arriving with all of the paperwork you are supposed to have. Its aconstant
I always tell ’em to hold the rice filler. I’m not running a marathon for chrissake. I haven’t heard anything about the misery that starts before you even get in the store. I’m talking about the self absorbed soccer mom backing into her space with the cell phone clamped between her jowl and half neck. Its enough to make a tibetan monk kick over his mandala. Of course it goes without saying that the temple of miscreants, the veritable magnet for dumbassery is the DMV. I’m not talking about the staff either. In this age of the internet, there is no excuse for arriving without all of the paperwork you are supposed to have. Its a constant battle between the slothful, ‘victimized’ masses and darwins theory of natural selection
OK, what the hell? Is Jeff Hitler and all of you are shoving people in the grill? Chill out. People piss me off all the time, but it doesn’t mean this has to turn into some sort of lovefest of hatred. I read this everyday and generally enjoy the various comments and what not but today was just stupid. Get a life and for all you whiny babies out there, grow a pair. You don’t need to agree with everything Jeff says!
You’re absolutely right, Jerdog. We just need to keep Christ in our hearts and hum the “Up With People” quietly to ourselves.
That will keep us on the shining path!
That would be the “Up With People” theme song:
Up, up with people! You meet wherever you go!
Up, up with people! They’re the best kind of folks we know
If more people were for people
All people everywhere
There’d be a lot less people to worry about
And a lot more people who’d care.
If I had Christ in my heart, I’d be afraid he might migrate to a blood vessel. That seems very likely to cause a stroke or some other serious problem, so no thanks.
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I think you are totally missing the point. We really are like this, we really don’t like most of the population. It’s not a mindless agreement of Jeff because we like him, we like him because we share a lot of the same views.
I hope that’s the Royal oui. In general I don’t have a problem with you being the Reporters’ spokesmodel, but CADude already summarized my position on this. He’s my spokesmodel today.
I like some people and just ignore the rest. I patronize neither Wal Mart nor McDonalds and only eat in non-chain restaurants, so perhaps I don’t run into the people who really seem to be burning a lot of Reporters’ butts.
“Jeff Hitler” manages to miss the point, the target, and the entire barn wall without having the redeeming value of being funny. Actually, it contains a small amount of irony because Jeff doesn’t like telling anyone anytime anywhere what to think.
jtb
It’s not so much that Jeff hates these things, but the way he describes them is so funny.
They’re just little annoyances, but on a bad day they can get to you more. Maybe the next time someone won’t move away from the ATM I’ll think of Jeff’s observation and laugh to myself about it.
Jeff is a humor writer. It’s his job to notice the annoyances that dog us all and write humorously about them. When he is in this mode (a victim of coicumstance) he is at his very best.
I’m just surprized at the vehemence with which the Reporters are responding to the QOD.
jtb
…and how come nobody ever gives Hitler any credit for the funny stuff he did?
I am thinking of a Mel Brooksian chorus-line-dancing Hitler…..
Someone needs some fiber!
I agree with you too! I just thought I was easily annoyed, glad I’m not alone.
One thing that annoys me: planking. I don’t get laying in the middle of the road, on a hand rail, etc. Maybe I’m just too old and fat to get into the trend.
Planking. I had to google that. How very retarded.
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If you think that planking is retarded, google owling.
Both are equally ridiculously stoopid. Maybe I’m just getting old but what’s the point to that idiocy?? Plank in front of my vehicle on my way home from work, with my current road rage condition, you’ll be involuntarily owling on the hood of my truck.
Planking I could at least laugh a little at, particularly when shit like this goes down:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxmYuQarmhg
But owling is just flat out retarded.
I look more like a teeter totter than a plank.
HAHAHA!!! Wotta fucking dipshit!!!
That reply was meant for the video Gretchen posted….
I’m with you on 99% of your issues. The longer I work with people, the more I realize that society is absolutely going to hell, and if the world implodes in 2012 it will probably be more merciful than continuing in society. I also think that nurses and doctors should be issued fully-loaded syringes of Depo so when on trips to Wal-Mart or whatever gathering of the brain dead you happen to attend, you could just pop those that do not add to society. They would still be there, but the odds of procreation would be greatly decreased. My syringe would be empty by the time I got to the cart corral. Ugh, I’m such a bitch. I really need a job in the basement of a university, repairing book bindings or something.
I actually did work in the basement of a university repairing books for a year. My boss wanted me there at 4 AM, but we compromised on 6. He was whacked out on espresso all day, had Rush Limbaugh turned up to eleven, and thrust his racist, sexist views on me at every opportunity. And I regularly was at the front end of a glue tsunami every time the adhesive machine that we ran buckram through got backed up. By the end of that year I had developed a Chief Inspector Dreyfuss twitch over my right eye. So, not necessarily as relaxing a job as you might think.
I was more imagining a situation with email for communication with the outside world and a dumbwaiter to deliver the finished product. I just want it to be me and the books, maybe an Ipod when I need a bit of company.
Yeah, I would have liked it that way too. Too bad it’s all just a fantasy. Though on the bright side, I was allowed into the rare books vault and got to handle Medieval manuscripts, which was pretty cool. Also, it just so happens that sewing bindings together on small books/pamphlets is a fairly zen-like experience that offset all the non-stop political ranting. I would have done that all year if allowed, but unfortunately most text blocks require gluing.
Gaycay.
8 days no drinks.
Dude…congrats!
t-storm…
That’s great. Just take it one day at a time. It gets better and keeps getting better. I’m very proud of you.
jtb
Gretchen, there’s a whole page of people here who need a Kit-Kat break. Everything will be just fine. Try to stay calm. Here’s the Reverend Horton Heat to rock you to sleep…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fXaIYB8-hE
jtb
Horton hears a Who, all right. Thanks, JTB.
Humanity is going to hell in a handbasket on every continent, I think. I was in the post office today and a woman’s cell phone rang AT FULL BLAST and she answered it AT FULL BLAST and carried on a conversation AT FULL BLAST. Jesus Christ, lady, I don’t fucking CARE about your bitchy daughter-in-law – keep it down already!
Thank Gawd they don’t go to the store in their pajamas over here (yet) but there are plenty of other annoyances in daily life over here. Not American-sized annoyances, but damn near.
Maybe I’m just getting crotchety. I sure am glad I have you load of crotchety folks to commensurate with!
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
This was on Cracked recently, Knucklehead. And I thought of you:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19363_6-reasons-your-plans-to-move-abroad-might-not-work-out.html
Thanks, Gretchen! I especially liked No. 2!
…this just in…
I’m off to the DMV to re-up my CDL. New license time and a photo op. I’m wearing my old-school smoking fish shirt so it’ll now be in the anals of New Mexico forever.
Sounds painful.
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dto…
Are the anals of New Mexico some kind of openings in the ground that smell bad? They sound like candidates for National Monument status. That way they will stay forever in the annals of Congress.
jtb
I really thought I’d have more patience at this point in life, but it hasn’t happened. Like the other day when this car took FOREVER to back out of a parking space. I’m sitting there waiting and muttering, “For God’s sake, quit fingering your vagina and BACK OUT”! Of course, it turns out to be a sweet little gray haired lady, who smiles & waves, like she’s thanking me for waiting on her. I thought, jeez, I need to take a deep breath and calm down. I just insinuated that someone’s Grandma might be fingering herself, thus, delaying my departure from a parking lot. Could it be that I’m the asshole??
Naaaaahh.
You never know, it may have been true.
At this point in life (over 50), I find that I have, if anything, LESS patience for nincompoopery. “I know how to do this, and so should you.”
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A couple of weeks ago, on a three lane piece of freeway, I overtook a semi that was extreme tailgating – two feet tops – the rear fender of a car dawdling along in the middle lane. (Since trucks are prohibited from the left most lane I think they’re semi (a ha!) justified in doing this). The semi was almost on top of the car so the truck driver would have been unable to see who was driving.
As I overtook the Mack/Toyota meld, I looked over expecting to see some asshat sending text messages. It was…… a Nun.
The truck exploded in flames a few miles later (probably).
Her gaze locked on you via her mirror…
Poop on their shoes
I’m craving a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee but I would have to drive to WV to get one.
Sign says Open 24 Hours. Guess not in a row, huh?
Steven Wright.
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Maybe the one on Murdock is open??
Yes to steven wright…i’m not going back out to murdoch. pisses me off tho.
What about 5th street?
“Everything is in walking distance if you have the time”…s.w.
I wrote a Stephen Wright joke…I took my cat to the vet. It’s’s nine months old. Not the vet the cat. I had to have it put to sleep. It had a bad case of curiosity.
I love my apartment building because they let you have pets. I have a pony.
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Shit, Chuck. I’ve read that a thousand times. I should have that memorized.
I went to 5th street. it’s only about a mile and a half from where i live.
Hope you got the Tim Horton’s hit that you needed.
Fat people piss me off. I am not talking a few pounds overweight but the ones you get behind in line at WalMart, McDonalds, wherever and the first thing that comes to mind is “Holy Shit, how much did you eat to get your ass so big?” Then when I look in their shopping cart and see all manner of packaged high sugar/fat convenience food I want to grab them by the neck and ask why they think I (we) should have to pay for their diabetes care/scooter/foot amputation when all they need to do is eat a salad every now and again. And I hate realtors.
I’m fat, as in big belly and I could stand to lose 50 lbs. What do I buy at the grocery store? Meat, vegetables, beer, cheese and, yes, salad greens. Packaged convenience food is bullshit and I don’t eat it. What keeps me fat is eating too much of the good stuff and getting no exercise. No diabeetus yet, knock on wood.
Last realtor I dealt with was when I bought the house in 1997. The minute I put a deposit down, he was on a vacation to the Caribbean. Figpucker.
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i got on the scale today and i am at 206. at 5′ 10″ that means i could stand to lose ~30. sure, i would like to look like daniel craig but it ain’t happening.
I’m 6′ 2″ and 180lbs and wear size 34 slim fit Wranglers and make no judgments about folks.If the fat assed purple swweat pants people at the store wanna waddle over to the Fiddle Faddle asile and shove that shit (yum) down their turkey necked gullet…let ’em. I have no business judging people. Fuck with me…we’ll most likely have a proplem.
I am 4’8″ and 397 lbs.
My pants size is a shape. I wear “square.”
Let’s fight.
doctorright: Laughing my “round” ass off!!
Humans are odd to say the least.
But then again that’s just the nature of the beast.
Some are annoying
Some are deploring
And some are outright abhoring.
I like them in small small doses and the ones with up-turned noses leave me ill at ease.
Large or small I put up with them all and let them just do as they please.
I’m just about where you are. Yea, we need to start walking at the park, or whatever.
I’m 5-7 and 210. Maybe I need to start walking to the bar that’s 1/2 mile away. They do, after all, have Dogfish Head 60 Minute.
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maybe we can work that out.
Found this on wipedia……
“Serial killers and other sociopaths frequently express misanthropic attitudes. Serial murderer Carl Panzram was remembered for his violent and indiscriminate misanthropy. One of his famous quotes was “I wish all mankind had one neck so I could choke it”.
Heh. One neck.
dto…
Are the anals of New Mexico some kind of openings in the ground that smell bad? They sound like candidates for National Monument status. That way they will stay forever in the annals of Congress.
jtb
dto…
Sorry, I’m not making fun of your spelling — I’m just having fun WITH it. I, myself, am a mangy speller. I do know how to spell Jeroboam, but I don’t know what the fuck it means.
I hope you took one of those “glamour shots” at the DMV.
jtb
Jeff, I don’t think that there is anything wrong other than letting these screwed up piss you off. They were made to laugh at, not to cause ones shoulders to attach to ones ears.
There’s this slightly portly guy who works in my building that does some very unimportant job…but ever time I’ve seen him in the morning and have to take the elevator with him he’s always in the biggest fuckin rush I’ve ever seen. Looks like he’s about to have a heart attack smacking buttons in the elevator. For some reason this annoys the shit outta me…I just want to grab him and scream and/or shoot him with a tranqualizer dart “Old School” style so he chills out.
Pam Ike…
There are no unimportant jobs — only unimportant people.
Maybe the guy is the House Dick and is ensuring your safety by keeping the hookers out.
jtb
So what? Has this become the WVSR weekly?
Honest to God, if you ain’t a misanthrope you ain’t trying.
Jeff, you’re one of the worse when it comes ot using abbreviate/changed words. Sammich instead of sandwich, just to mention one. If you’re so bothered by other people doing very same thing you’re doing, then stop complaining about it or stop doing it.
And your complaint about the oversized drinks? You mentioned in a very recent update that you specifically go to McDonald’s to get a sweet tea that “comes in an enormous cup that almost requires two hands”. How is this different?
People who drag their feet/shoes drive me just as crazy. I recently purchased a pair of sandals that the easiest thing to do is drag them when I walk. Walking without dragging them is A LOT of work. Needless to say, I rarely wear them.
I couldn’t agree more about the sample eaters! What gets me are the ones who seem to eat the samples in place of eating lunch. They try everything, even if they know they’re not going to like it.