On Saturday Toney and I went to a few stores, and had lunch at Moe’s. And it appears I’ve almost completed the transformation from regular guy to full-blown misanthrope. Nearly everybody in the general public irritates me in some way, almost every single person. I didn’t used to be like this… not this bad, anyway.
Below, I’ll briefly tell you about some of the stuff I was bitching about during our brief outing. Then you can tell me if I’m losing my grip, or have valid complaints. OK? OK.
There was a guy in Sam’s Club who was wearing a pair of gay-ass sandals, and couldn’t muster enough energy to actually lift them all the way off the floor as he walked. So, he was basically cross-country skiing through the produce section. I told Toney we needed to adjust our route, so we weren’t following this idiot through the whole store; I couldn’t be held responsible for what might happen if I was around him much longer. So, we went off the standard grid, and there he was again! Just shuffling along in his fudge-buster shoes. Man, I hated that guy.
Also at Sam’s, they were giving out a few interesting food samples in the back. But there are always jackasses who walk up to the stand, take whatever they’re offering — and eat it right there. They don’t bother to move out of the way for the next person, they eat their cracker and cheese (or whatever) right in front of the stand. Then they tell the old lady what they think about it. This ain’t a wine-tasting, dicklips! Get out of our way!! Plus, who gives a crap about your “reading” of potato salad. Fuck you.
That one is very similar to people who spend five full minutes at the ATM, pushing buttons like they’re playing Galaga. Then they stand in front of the machine at the end STUDYING their receipt, as if it contains encrypted messages from the great beyond. Move! There are other people in this world, it’s not just all about you. As the great philosopher George Costanza says, “We live in a society!”
Inside Target there were a lot of people communicating via hollering. They’d waddle in different directions, but continue to carry on conversations through yelling. One flesh-mound of a woman was telling another hill o’ skin about her recent surgery, from the shoe department to the women’s clothing section. Just screaming across a great expanse…. I wished I had the power of the firestarter.
Also in Target, there were a lot of assholes — fully realized assholes — walking around in Jersey Shore “fashions” and acting like total imbeciles. God, my skin is crawling just thinking about it… Whether it was genuine or (more likely) a pose, it doesn’t really matter. ASSHOLES, either way.
It also bothers me greatly when people walk around with way too much beverage. Know what I mean? Big Gulp cups… ludicrously large energy drinks… coffee cups like a fire extinguisher… giant clay jars of iced tea… All of it angers me. Exercise a little self-control, pigs.
And another thing that bugs me: those people (usually in the electronics departments of stores) who speak with a slightly condescending air of authority. Like they’re explaining something to a large retarded boy… I heard one of those dudes in Target on Saturday talking to a woman about a camera. I wanted to push him down.
I walked out of a Best Buy because of that, once. Some zitster was telling me a bunch of boolshit in an insulting tone — I think he was trying to sell me an expensive antivirus program for a new computer, and was talking to me like I didn’t understand any of it. So, I told him he could ram it deep and on a slant, and bought my new computer online.
And at Moe’s… there was one of those guys who can’t stay in his seat. He was constantly getting more napkins, a refill on his soda, a salsa top-off… He was just up and down, up and down. And while he was up, he was always chewing.
Plus, I heard someone in there use one of my new most-hated phrases: “vacay.” “Five more days until vacay!” Grrr… It makes my whole body go rigid.
So, there you are. If you’d like to psychoanalyze me, go ahead. Or maybe you have an opinion about some of my “observations?” Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll try not to be so bitter tomorrow.
See you then, my friends.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
Second?
I think Jeff needs a vacay.
LOL
I like to think I have a better than average vocabulary, but I had to look up “misanthrope”.
And that’s me.
I look at someone, even if I don’t know them, and immediately despise them.
Plus dealing with the public on a daily basis contributes to the attitude as well.
Misanth-rope means when a rope is fraying to the breaking point like the one in the picture.
I also had to look it up. Now I don’t feel that stoopid.
mis·an·thrope
? ?[mis-uhn-throhp, miz-] Show IPA
noun
a hater of humankind.
Who the fuck are you people? Misanthrope? Honest?!! Look it up?? Really?!?!! I Had to look it up?? Kiddin’ me right? I Iearnt that word in about the fourth grade Honest! . And yes…I’m a member of MA….Misanthorpes Almagamated. My affliction started early. It was pronounced uncurible when I was ten when I tried to kill the doctor and wouldn’t stop asking the nurse to look at my penis.
goot one
My psychoanalysis says you had a bad day. And that it’s time for a golden elixer or 12.
The sandal queer has me seeing red. They don’t have the energy to lift their feet off the ground, they just slide around.
I don’t think you’re going off the deep end. People are just shitpiles, that’s all.
“hill o’skin”
HAHAHAHAHA
I’m with ya on the foot shuffle thing, drives me bananas.
I literally LOL at hill o’ skin…
I think we’re all going down the same road. Yesterday at the Kroger the family with two of the giant green kid car carts or whatever they are nearly pushed all my buttons. Their 7 or 8 year old was pushing two of the smaller kids in her cart behind her mom & dad who had two in theirs. Play day at the grocery store? My God people, leave your fucking day care center at home.
Remember when Wal-Mart and several other places thought it would be a good idea to have mini carts for the kids to push around? That didn’t last long. Worse idea ever.
The Kroger in Loveland, Ohio still’s got ’em. Being pushed around by runny nosed kids behind a Mom who farts when she walks and a Dad who smells like garilc and dog lick.
The ones at my local store have little flagpoles on them, with flags that read “Customer in Training.” Makes me want to vomit.
They have those little carts at Trader Joes. My son (3) loves them. I lie and tell him they are broken.
I agree with Jeff on all items.
Times, they are a chagin. You could write all of these things down and give the note to the cops after you went on a killing spree. I’m sure you would’t be arrested.
Also, did you guys know that you can just walk into a Blockbuster now and shit on the floor? It isn’t even illegal.
There has GOT to be an interesting backstory to that last paragraph.
LOL
that’s twice I’ve burst out laughing. Good thing I’m working from home.
Hill o’skin. You, Mr. Kay, know how to turn a phrase.
Another A+ update.
If you do get the firestarter powers make sure to stand back so the grease (fat) fire doesn’t take you down too.
Stay bitter. Bitter is better. Remember that comedy comes from pain, and assholes.
Sure if you’re getting it jammed in at a slant.
People take the phrase “it’s a free country” too literal. Manners matter damn it!
Adam Carolla refers to it as hyper-vigilance. I’ve been trying to stop paying such close attention to people. They don’t seem to give a crap that there are other people in this world, so why should I care?
Vacay is just as bad as delish.
I agree!!!!!! I HATE both of these words.
What does it say about our society when we’re too damn lazy to say that one last syllable of the word? Ugh!!
It seems to be a side effect of Rachel Ray. She uses all those stupid phrases. “Yummo” and “E.V.O.O.” make me have a full body rigor. Most of my coworkers love to watch her in the breakroom, and my lunch is ruined because I have to listen to that idiot.
Side effect of Rachael Ray:
runny vomitus.
m…
Rachael Ray IS the side effect. Don a pair of buds or cans and groove to the sweet sounds of Hurra Torpedo, or whatever lowers your blood pressure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuZwnC9rB-A&NR=1
jtb
That made my eyelid twitch.
Now yer gettin’ it!!!!! Keep up the good work.
When is the yard sale? If hollering flesh piles at Target get under your skin, can’t wait to see what you think of them while they’re standing in your yard.
I haven’t seen a surf reporter comment about the Friday luncheon? How was it?
That will be the “Its confirmed, I am a full blown Misanthrope” update. =-) Can’t wait.
I get ridiculously angry by the general lack of decorum and respect for others anywhere public. I do not want to see you in your pajamas at the grocery store or standing in line at Subway at 12:30 in the afternoon. I do not want to hear you shouting across aisles to your companions.
I also get ridiculously angry at people who wear clothing designed for people half their size. No one larger than a super model looks look in the new legging style jeans. I don’t want to see your spare tire sticking out of the bottom of your size extra small tee shirt. Also, neck tatoos, supersized tribal holes in the ears big enough for me to pass a lifesaver through. Ridiculous.
Nope..you ain’t losing grip. You’re just catchin’ on. Grab a handle on the boat and climb in. Chase the horzion and throw the fuckheads overboard.
(great read today…thanks!)
Yeah, that’s what I meant!!
I literally laughed out loud and woke up a sleeping woman across from me at the dr.’s office. F**k her. I feel passionately about these situations as well! Thank God I am going on a ‘vacay’ to good ol’ West by God on Thursday.!
No Jeff, I completely agree with you. Something else I would like to add is when I go to the mall or even to Wal-Mart and there are woman walking around all dressed up. Hair done, high heels, etc. I just don’t understand why any woman would want to shop in high heels. Even if it’s just a quick shopping trip, I don’t get it.
All women should wear high heels ALL the time.
Well, as long as they’re cute or something.
I dunno.
I’m sick of seeing girls in pajamas and UGGz (i live on staten island…..)
FMPs and bare feet make my life complete.
Of these two things I have complete retention.
There’s something about toes or an instep that shows an ass that demands my attention.
I’ll give them a nod as I admire their bod and not even give it a mention.
If they notice my passion as they go by passin’…I just say…”Yes. Thanks for askin’.”
…and..when I saw misanthrope I mistook it for Mapplethorpe and started tninking maybe you now wear leather pants all the time.
I’m guessing that the beer fast will be ending soon….
I will soon have to deal with 20,000 + annoying people.
I wish people would live in a word filled with people exactly like themselves, say about 4 days a week. That way, if they are assholes, they would feel the pain that they radiate.
All the drivers that don’t allow any cars to merge in front of them would live through hells’ traffic 4 days a week…. people cutting other people off would have to live through that 4 days a week. People stealing other people’s stuff would end up with their stuff stolen as well…
Finally, people being considerate of others could end up enjoying half of their week. How nice would that be?
You’ve got my vote for King/Queen of the World. (please choose title that applies, since I don’t know your gender)
Jeff, let’s make a pact. Whichever one of us roundhousekicks someone into oblivion first has to buy the other a free beer!!!!
or maybe gets one?
i’m not sure.
i’m gonna go headbutt this guy that’s listening to Hot Dance Party music in the fucking computer lab. The computer lab is not a fucking discotek.
I once had to fight fire with fire at Radio Shack. An overly zealous salesman just wouldn’t leave me alone to fend for myself in the parts department and smeared some sentence with way too much condescension. So I took him up on his offer to help with:
“Yes, I need some help. What is the inductive reactance of this coil at 2.5, 3, and 4.7 kilocycles?”
Needless to say, I got my wish to be left alone to my own devices.
Reverse condescension FTW!
Inductive reactance of a coil……. there’s some redundancy in there…..
I hate it when someone comments about a statement they have no clue about.
???
Coils are inductors. So inductive reactance of a coil is REDUNDANT.
I think another jeff was just messing with the salesman’s head. Or I am just commenting on a subject I know nothing about.
I knew a conductor. Name of Bob Coils. Resisted everything anyone wanted to play. I always thought he wasn’t properly grounded and was quite shocking in his manner of waving to the current suppliers of the energy of the sound in the room. He was always hitting on Sandra Malley…a bassoone player of sorted tales.
Really…REDUNDANT?….what about a coil of turd? Even a straight wire has measure of inductive reactance.
You boys should take this over to Popular Mechanics . com or something.
Wouldn’t a coil have both inductive and capacitative reactance over frequency? But 4.7 KHz? Seriously, that’s the devil’s frequency!
I’d figure Radio Shack employees are more along the lines of left-handed smoke shifters and 4 yards of flight line these days.
I’m not touching this shit (does Popular Electronics still exist?). I’m an actual electrical engineer, and this is not worth talking about. “Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics: even if you win, you’re still retarded.”
.
And wouldn’t reverse condescension be evaporation?
It’s been too long since Jeff and Toney had kids. Your mind learns to tune out and be more accepting of that sort of behavior when they’re YOUR hicklets. But as they get older and behave better, your sensory denial doesn’t get as much practice and starts to fade.
So either Jeff needs to have another kid, or get a script for Xanax. I’m good either way.
Funny thing….We went out to eat Friday night and I, of course, had no shortage of comments of the other patrons. My boyfriend commented to me, “Is there anyone that DOESN’T get on your nerves?’
No motherfucker, there isn’t. Next question.
The whole shuffling the feet thing drives me up the fucking wall. My co-worker does it daily and with every stride she takes. I finally spoke up. So now she does it just to piss me off.
I;ll tell you something that bugs the shit out of me…..is when people can’t eat a meal at the table, especially at a restaurant, without even lifting their elbows up off the table. They are practically slurping their food off their plate. Does it take that much effort to lift your hand to your mouth??
When I was a kid, I remember my sister was doing exactly that while eating spaghetti. My father told her a couple of times to stop slouching and get her elbows off the table. She didn’t. Next thing she knew, she had spaghetti up her nose after dad pushed her entire face into her plate. Don’t fuck with dad.
AGREED! When we have our office parties, there are a couple people in particular I make sure I don’t sit next to… You don’t have to worry about the other dogs stealing your food, its all yours, nobody is going to try any samples from your plate.. Seesh.
Then theres the coffee slurper… Hey mother fucker, you ever hear of blowing across your cup first? (Actual verbage used).
I had an uncle that would stab your elbows with a fork if they were on the table during a meal. He made my brother bleed once. Lesson learned..
At least jeff waits for them to do something annoying before he gets pissed off.
I assume that everyone’s gonna piss me off and then i go all kneecaps and teeth on them.
“Flesh-mound” had me in stitches!
I wish I could say you’re being too hard on people, but I agree 100% with you on every single point.
Especially the ATM thing. Fer cryin’ out loud, it’s a drive-thru– which means “convenient and quick.”
No, some soccer mom in her Hummer is sittin’ there, looking up checks from 1986, or something.
Makes me wish I had a plow on the front of the Corolla!
Oh…and “staycation” annoys just as much, if not more than “vacay.” It sends me straight into “Hulk” mode! Are people really so lazy that they can’t speak in a complete sentence or thought? Sheesh!
Somebody needs a Kit Kat break.
mmmmmmmmmmm…Kit Kat. And now with dark chocolate!
My comment is awaiting moderation?? Holy fucksticks.
Do you know people who say “no biggie?” Especially dudes? If so, fuck them.
Not literally.
Another one folks in these here parts are starting to say: “whatever, whatever.” It’s like “yada yada yada.” Some doofus ass teenager going, “So we went to the mall and whatever whatever.”
Isn’t that leaving out a bit much? What happened when you got there? You guys blew each other? You mugged a security guard? WHAT?!?
I mean if I’m gonna eavesdrop on your pointless conversation (“convo”), at least finish the FUCKING STORY.
Now, now – don’t get “aggro”.
Yeah, I need to get a beer and whatever whatever…
While out among the unwashed masses, I spend a lot of time shaking my head and chuckling to myself about the ignorance and general loathsomeness of the majority of the population.
But get angry about it? To what end? IMHO, that’s an unnecessary expenditure of my energy. And if I’m going to regulate my salt intake so as to maintain manageable blood pressure levels, I’m sure as hell not going to let the behavior of said unwashed masses cause me distress. I’ve not given up alcohol to regulate blood pressure; I’ve given up getting pissed off at stupid/inconsiderate people. To me, it just makes sense.
When dealing with idiots and assholes, I guess I have a general notion that “you’re not worthy of my contempt.” Works for me.
I had a douche bag in front of me at a fast food drive thu window not to long ago…… with his cell phone number written on the back window cuz the car was for sale. Heh, heh, heh….. I had a little fun with that one.
This ties in with the what pisses you off question of the other day, and todays bunker pic;
IS IT THAT HARD TO COMPOSE YOUR PHOTOS SO YOUR DAMN MISFORMED FEET ARE NOT IN VIEW? Fire up the photo editor and do some cropping for crisesakes.
Crop the crap, fgs:
http://soupytrumpet.com/uploads/2008/02/download.jpg
Exactly.
How about people who post 170 pictures on Facebook, and only about 50 of them are in focus? Why do they have to post ALL the pictures? Pick a few good ones and call it a day.
Or a couple pics will be sideways…hey, meathead, you can rotate it.
Jeff, I have it on good authority from several therapists that it is absolutely impossible for others to upset you – you upset yourself when you react in a non-rational way. You choose to be sad, mad, depressed, whatever. They swear it’s true, plus they have proof. Maybe. Maybe not.
To maintain “Serenity Now”, I myself picture the Buddha within me, radiant & perfect.
If that doesn’t work, I self-medicate with a couple of Xanax and three double scotches. I ain’t a crabass but I ain’t very patient either. To hell with these mouth-breathers.
Today’s quote, by one of the greatest misanthropes who ever lived: “If at first you don’t succeed, the hell with it. No sense making a damned fool of yourself.” W.C. Fields
Also, when asked how he liked children, he replied, “Broiled!”
I went to a Target in Cincy and got a chair from over there in the desk and home stuff area. I took it to a closed check out lane and put it at the end there where the bags are. And I just sat there. Looking around doing nothing. Couple of people asked me if they could help me and I said no and thanked them. Sat there for almost an hour. Coulda ordered a pizza I guess.
(True story…hey…I walk a thin line)
The general population more and more each day take advantage of other’s patience and respect. Year’s ago these people would of been beaten down by their own family members that is what Brothers, sisters and parents and teachrs use to do. That behavior would of been eased out of their systems before interacting with the general public.
To steal from B&S, “Pick Up Your Feet Child, You Walk Like a Peasant”
That one annoys me too. It was endemic ~10 years ago when those retarded UGGGG boots were “the thing” to shuffle around in.
Yes…UGG’s are an excuse to shuffle like a bum. But I think even worse are flip flops. The most annoying “shoes” on the planet. In my opinion, the only reason one should wear these horrible things is to the beach, pool, public shower or around the house.
Unless you live in Phoenix. Then it’s anywhere, any time, any occasion. But at least get a damn pedi.
I cannot stand people! They bug me, they annoy me, they piss me off. Snotty-nosed kids who aren’t watched by asshole parents, people who stop dead in the aisle in front of you, group hugs in the cereal aisle, those who can’t decide which cheap-o brand to toss in their carts, everyone ahead of you is heading in the same direction and some jerk comes at you on that side and expects you to move for them. I just plain hate people. Except for those on here. Have a beer, take a Xanax, stay home!
I just read the first paragraph again whilst reading aloud to my husband as we often do with our evening cocktail and Jeff, you ain’t much different than you used to be as far as I can tell–you just laugh a little less. I think I recollect you and Toney making sport of snark about passers’ by and patrons in establishments you frequented. You’ve been in practice for this a long time.
Jeezus Jeff – I think you need an extended “Vakay” (that’s how you spell it, btw).
8^)
There’s no “K” in “vacation,” You holler-dwellin’ bastard!
Joey Jo Jo
Hmph. Guess you’re right. Google wouldn’t lie to me to, would it?
How does one determine the correct spelling of a word that doesn’t exist? I rather doubt that it CAN have a correct spelling by definition.
jtb
Holy christ, the shuffling feet. Young girls and old chinese people. None of ’em lift their feet.
Disagree about the samplers. They’re deciding whether or not to buy it, right? Why walk away, then come back if they want to buy?
I drink water out of a comically oversized plastic jug. All my life, I’ve drank at least a gallon of water a day, often more. But yeah, it annoys me to see Waddlin’ Zeke with a two-gallon popcorn and a jeroboam of Mountain Dew Severe.
Joey Jo Jo
Jeroboam…you had to fucking look that up.
🙂
No, but you did… 😉
Oh, I readily admit that I did.
I always get jereboam and nebuchadnezzar confused.
I don’t think you can get mad dog in those sizes, I like the pint, fits nicely in the back pocket.
Sure, and if you run into Jeroboam there’s still enough for both of you until you reach the next 7/11.
Okay, my recent WalMart story. I always go in as one of the people playing the game…but after coming out of a plastic surgeon’s office (long story, involved reattaching my EAR), I uncomfortably found myself playing the role of one of the people on the checklist! Oh yeah, the irony was not lost on me!
Of course, as with Jeff, my wife and I seemed to be stalked by “that” person in the motorized scooter. Every corner…there was this obese woman in a scooter ripping down the aisle as fast as she could go. I figured the auto parts section would be safe, so we headed over there. I was looking through the air filter application catalogue, and here here comes wheel chair Momma down the aisle. WTF?
And here is where it goes from coincidence to the Twililight Zone. My wife and I left the store, went over to Target…and within half an hour we were being mowed down by the same obese handicap woman in a scooter!
We have time for a long story.
Ha- exactly what I was thinking.
Not laughing at your pain, clint.
I wouldn’t do that.
Unless your injury was moose-related.
I’d also laugh if you grabbed hold of Wheelchair Momma real good, and ripped her ear off.
Clint…
I just hope it wasn’t a case of Eriocephalus. I understand that sometimes the ear re-attachment associated with this bushy disorder causes your penis to fall off. Thankfully, I think you’re too far north to be discomfited by ths cruel disease.
Unfortunately, I guess you’re not far enough north to avoid being discomfited by Wal Mart. Se la guerre.
jtb
WTF did you do to need your ear reattached??
Going van Gogh is the new Goth. It was a typo of sorts that seemed to stick. A guy in Canada wrote a letter to his friend in New Brunswick who was having relationship troubles. Seems he felt he was to old and didn’t fit in with her crowd and so his friend wrote and told him…”Van go goth”. The lack of a comma set the spiral in motion and that’s where we are today.
I like to walk around with a huge bandage wrapped around my left middle finger and when asked about it I tell folks I sprained it.
If you want a really good read on a88holes try being a cop or firefighter for a while and have to deal with the room temperature IQ morons on a daily basis.
I was a firefighter on the last island before key west and that place has a oversupply of knuckle dragging poofters.
Oh God…I would love to hear some of your stories!
I’m hearing ya! I’ve been doing it for 18 years and the dipshits I meet on a daily basis make me think that there aren’t enough Darwin awards.
Ohhhh, the Fucksticks that stand at the ATM. Especially the ones that don’t have any money in their account and stand there scratching their nuts trying to figure out what went wrong. So they try another card. Same thing. No money. Wait, maybe the ATM isn’t working properly. Lets try the first one again. Now lets check the receipt. Hmmmm, what do I do now? OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! I want to smash their face into the screen, take a dump on their dying body and then stand on it while I get my cash out.
There, now I feel better…..
No, really. I’m okay now.
The incredible assholes who drive thru the ATM the WRONG way because their passenger needs cash. Get out and walk up you waterhead asshole.
I’ve never seen or heard of that one before. My god people are assholes.
I will stand by my election manifesto that if we just culled
a. people who abandon grocery carts instead of taking them back to corral, “fuck you, I’m done with it”
and
b. people who mindlessly drive in the middle lane, “hey it’s easier for ME, fuck you”
our society would benefit enormously
All you assholes who bash WV…suck it!
http://www.mainstreet.com/slideshow/lifestyle/smartest-dumbest-states