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My Super-Exciting Day in the Suburbs of Scranton

June 2, 2011 By Jeff 145 Comments

I had to run some errands today, since I won’t be around tomorrow, and one of the items on my list was to buy a couple of new shirts for work.  I’m in a cycle where I rotate between the same five or six, over and over again.  They’ve been washed so many times they’re in a state of full collapse.

So, I went to Target and picked out a few possibilities.  However, I’ve been burned in the past at that store, and decided to try them on before handing over my cash.  And all three shirts hugged my torso, so they were out.  I don’t like wearing shirts that feel like Chinese handcuffs.

After I left Target I had to urinate like Man o’ War, so I went straight to Sam’s Club.  They have an accessible bathroom, and are refreshingly pee-friendly.

Inside the men’s room they now have a strange new Dyson hand-blower.  You’re supposed to put your just-washed hands down inside a contraption that blows air from every direction.  Have you seen one of these?  They’re pretty nifty.  They’re activated by a motion detector, so you don’t have to touch anything (if you’re careful).

I checked out the shirts at Sam’s, and saw nothing I would ever wear, and left the place.

Next stop:  Macy’s.  Immediately I found another three shirts that looked right up my alley.  But two were torso-huggers, and one was orange.  It looked really cool hanging on the rack, but when I put it on I looked like I had liver disease.  I don’t know the science behind it, but it seemed to change the color of my skin.  Afterward, Toney told me that only black people look good in orange.  Is this true?  She acted like it’s common knowledge.

I left Macy’s, and headed toward JC Penney, through the mall.  As I passed an always-troublesome hand cream kiosk, some woman in a short skirt approached me and asked if I’d like to try a sample.

“No, thanks,” I said.

“Can I ask you a question?” she persisted.

“No,” I responded, without adjusting my speed.

In JC Penney I tried on a shirt that looked like a possibility, and it turned out to be perfect.  It fit the way I like ’em to fit, so I bought it and another of the same style but a different color.

I went into the Gap, and there was a mannequin with about three shirts layered on top of one another, and its pants inexplicably unzipped and partially pulled-down.  The mannequin was sporting tighty-whities underneath, and I just turned around and left.  It all felt a bit… homoerotic to me.

As I passed the hand cream stand again the same woman approached me, shaking her ass and smiling a broad smile.

“Would you like to try a sample?” she asked, clearly not remembering me from fifteen minutes ago.

“No, I told you before…” I said, while continuing to walk.

“Can I ask you a question?!” she shouted at my back, as I exited the scene.  Shit.  It’s like walking through a carnival midway at this point.

My car was covered in pollen (tree sperm), so I decided to run it through one of those automatic car washes, at a nearby Sheetz gas station.  I bought the cheapest option, for five bucks, but the guy in front of me obviously sprung for the deluxe package.

He pulled his Subaru into the tunnel of fun, and the apparatus made roughly a hundred passes over that thing.  It sprayed all manner of fluids on there, and rinsed ’em right off.  It was crazy.  It lasted for upwards of fifteen minutes.  I started to think something was wrong, and it was stuck in a perpetual loop.

And when it was finally my turn, I was out in two minutes, tops.  I think it just blasted me with water, and told me to get out.  But the pollen is gone.  For a few hours, anyway…

I made a few additional stops, but nothing memorable happened.

Oh, I had lunch at Moe’s and they changed the name of my favorite burrito from Triple Lindy to Joey Bag O’ Donuts.  They already had a Joey Bag O’ Donuts, but now it’s the former Triple Lindy — and the Triple Lindy is no more.

I don’t care for such nonsense.  For one thing, I long ago developed a Moe’s rhythm, and know my way around that place.  Now I have to switch things up a bit.  Plus, I feel like an idiot ordering something called Joey Bag O’ Donuts.  Today I just called it “the Joey,” and they seemed to accept it as valid.  It still feels kinda douchey, though.  Triple Lindy was perfect.

And that was my exciting day.  Tomorrow I’m going to New York, and I’ll tell you about that adventure next time.  I might even take a few photos, although I can’t promise anything.  It all depends on my mood.  I’ll be spending my day in Greenwich Village.  I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right to say “the Village” yet, so I still use the whole name.  I feel entitled to say “the Joey,” but not “the Village.”  It’s very complicated.

I don’t really have a question today, so just do with it what you can.  And I’ll be back soon.

Have a great day, my friends.

Now playing in the bunker
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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Brianf says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    First

    Reply
  2. Ian the Errolite says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    1st, not last, again.

    Reply
  3. Stuart says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Bugga!!!

    Reply
  4. Ian the Errolite says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Nearly first!

    Reply
  5. Stuart says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    What’s in a Triple Lindy? Excuse my ignorance, I’m Australian!!

    Reply
    • Jeff says

      June 2, 2011 at 8:44 pm

      Rice, chicken, beans, cheese, pico de gallo, lettuce, sour cream, and cilantro. Oh, it’s quite a cannonball of goodness…

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        June 2, 2011 at 8:52 pm

        And the next day it’s a cannonball of a different sort.

        Reply
        • Bill in WV says

          June 3, 2011 at 1:33 pm

          Yeah, the exit of those ingredients can’t be a pleasant thing.

          Reply
      • Seanette says

        June 3, 2011 at 12:04 am

        Omit the pico (I dislike chunks of tomato or raw onion) and this does sound good. Don’t think Moe’s exists in my part of California, though.

        Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 3, 2011 at 4:36 am

      Stuart…

      A Triple Lindy is only made up of these ingredients at Moe’s Southwest Grill, a chain restaurant in the U.S. If you ordered a Triple Lindy in any other restaurant they wouldn’t know what the hell you were talking about.

      The name “Triple Lindy” derives from a dance, the Lindy Hop, which originated in Harlem, New York in the 1920s. It is roughly based on the Charlston, a huge dance craze in the U.S. at that time. The Lindy Hop is named after Charles Lindberg, who was the first person to fly solo across the Atlantic (from New York to Paris) in 1927. He became a popular hero in the U.S. and France, and was called “Lucky Lindy” because of the seeming impossibility of one person managing to make the cross-Atlantic flight alone.

      As the Lindy Hop moved from the Black community to the white community in New York, then across the country, variations emerged. Right after World War II, the Double Lindy Hop and the Triple Lindy Hop emerged as the most popular variations. They were widely taught at dance schools across the country. They soon became known as just the Double Lindy and the Triple Lindy.

      Just to confuse things a bit, and also for the sake of completeness, the “Triple Lindy” was also the fictional name of a dive performed by American comedian Rodney Dangerfield in the popular but mediocre flim Back to School (1986). Now, in some circles, a “Triple Lindy” is any very difficult dive that someone performs for the purpose of showing off.

      I don’t know how much you know about Charles Lindberg and Rodney Dangerfield, but probably a hell of a lot more than Americans know about Banjo Paterson or Barry Humphries.

      Hope this helps some.

      Cheers.

      jtb

      Reply
      • uncle_wedgie says

        June 3, 2011 at 2:25 pm

        LMAO

        Reply
    • dto says

      June 3, 2011 at 8:43 am

      …ear ya gah mate…
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDMMYT3vkTk

      Reply
      • Root 66 says

        June 3, 2011 at 9:48 am

        Whoa! A Triple Lindy AND he’s wearing orange! Outta sight, man.

        Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:32 pm

      Rodney Dangerfield in a spandex bathing suit.

      Reply
  6. JCIII says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Good Evening Surf Reporters….

    Reply
  7. Big Bear in OH says

    June 2, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Long day of fishing here in central ohio…lots of crappie and some perch, but nothing big enough to keep…so we’ll go fishing for blue cats tonight and see what comes about. Maybe catch a snapping turtle or two if we’re lucky, and eat one of those ugly sons o bitches Sunday night.

    Reply
    • bikerchick says

      June 3, 2011 at 9:46 am

      We went camping 2 weekends ago at Austin Lake, OH. Off the Wintersville exit, I believe. One of our friends was fishing and found an enormous snapping turtle. That was the first time i had ever seen one up close. It was HUGE. I could have ridden it. Ugly as fuck. His claws could have chopped a tree down. Thankfully, he let him go.

      Reply
      • WB in OH says

        June 3, 2011 at 9:58 am

        Oh man, they are so effing tasty!

        Reply
        • bikerchick says

          June 3, 2011 at 10:11 am

          My father, who was a chef/baker, LOVED turtle soup. He made it a few times but I never tasted it. He also made oyster stew which stunk up the whole house. Never tasted that either. ugh…

          Reply
          • m says

            June 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm

            Oyster stew is much celebrated in my family. My husband and I, however, loathe it. And my husband will eat anything. He thinks haggis is awesome and orders tongue tacos at the Mexican place on a regular basis. Even he gags over oyster stew. Hmm, let’s see, something that filters fish shit out of the ocean mixed with some milk. I’ll pass. When we have it at family dinners I eat the little crackers and run through a drive thru on the way home.

            Reply
            • Not Oprah says

              June 3, 2011 at 9:44 pm

              Order: I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy

              Corny but it still makes me laugh…

              Reply
              • clintcurtis says

                June 4, 2011 at 12:03 pm

                Very corny…but it made me laugh also! Thanx!

                Reply
                • dto says

                  June 4, 2011 at 1:32 pm

                  clintcurtis…yep. Right up there with…”Waiter…what’s this fly doing in my soup”?
                  Waiter says…”Looks like the backstroke”.

                • Chuck in Belpre says

                  June 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

                  Waiter: ‘Shut up or everyone will want one!”

                • dto says

                  June 4, 2011 at 3:51 pm

                  There’s a gerat scene from a Hope & Crosby movie. They’re in a classy eatery and the waiter asks if they’d like to start with a drink. Bing gets a toinc and Bob orders a brandy. Right when he orders the brandy a pretty girl walks by the table while Bob is reading the menu and the waiter says…
                  “Snifter?”
                  Bob looks around and says…”No…musta missed her.”
                  That’s been stuck in my head for a good 45 years or so and I’ll be 58 0n 6/23.

                • Greg says

                  June 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

                  Happy Birthday, dto!

                • dto says

                  June 4, 2011 at 8:06 pm

                  Thanks Greg… now that the rapture is over…(I’m kinda wishin’ someone would have come and got those fuc…fanatics)…and the Mayans are still in check…should be a good time around my place that day. Anyone that wants to stop by sure as hell (or is it heaven?) can,

                • Greg says

                  June 4, 2011 at 8:17 pm

                  doing the math, you heard that line in ’66, when you were 13! That “snifter” line was pretty racy for ’66!

                • dto says

                  June 4, 2011 at 11:46 pm

                  I’m sure the movie was made in the 40’s but still…great scene and great line.

                  … catch ya later, I’m going horizontal.
                  …-d

                • clintcurtis says

                  June 4, 2011 at 4:28 pm

                  What do you get if you cross a cantalope with a dog? Melancholy.

            • Big Bear in OH says

              June 4, 2011 at 2:04 am

              Ahh…tacos de lengua…one of my favorites. You haven’t eaten until you’ve had the best cut of the cow–Tongue. As for turtles, no luck on any big snappers this week, but a friend pulled a 60 pound plus specimen out of a farm pond last week…oyster stew though, I don’t think so. And I’ll eat damn near anything too, but oysters just…ugh.

              Reply
              • chill says

                June 4, 2011 at 11:23 am

                “It was a brave man that first et an oyster.”
                .

                Reply
                • dto says

                  June 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

                  Yeah cill…imagine that first crazy bastard that decided to eat an artichoke (“and I’m just a joke”) but I’m glad he/she did. Yum!…Probably be good in a turtle soup with some carrots. Awwww crap… I’m off to The Kroger now. Hopefully the have some fresh turtle.

                  Me at the meat counter…”Got any fresh turtle today?”

  8. Stephanie says

    June 2, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Orange is actually my favorite color. And, I’m an 1/8th black, so I guess that’s okay…(?)

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 3, 2011 at 4:52 am

      Stephanie…

      My favorite color is purple, but I don’t own any purple suits or shoes; I do own purple shirts and ties. So do you mean that Orange is your favorite color for clothing, or that Orange is your favorite color for decorating and art?

      Nice to hear from you.

      jtb

      Reply
      • Stephanie says

        June 3, 2011 at 11:18 am

        Orange is my favorite color for decorating, and for wearing. When I am clothed…

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          June 3, 2011 at 11:32 am

          Well, let me know when you have a need to be decorated for modesty purposes. Purple goes with orange like Marshall Dillon goes with Miss Kitty.

          jtb

          Reply
          • SPence says

            June 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm

            How ironic – Marshall Dillon passed away today 🙁

            Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:39 pm

      I’m 1/8 orange, but I drink a lot.

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        June 3, 2011 at 6:40 pm

        Do you have a little black in you? Would you like some?

        Reply
      • Stephanie says

        June 3, 2011 at 10:14 pm

        @Bill; Was this a dig on Jeff, due to his St. Patty’s Day faux pas? Heh.

        Reply
  9. E2M says

    June 2, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Sam’s Dyson hand dryers rule.

    Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm

      I’m surprised Jeff would use those. Sounds to me like it’s blowing poop spore laden air onto your hands.

      Reply
      • dto says

        June 3, 2011 at 11:18 pm

        The fact he was even in a public use relief facility speaks volumes of his ability to let things go when he needs to.

        Reply
  10. Jorge says

    June 3, 2011 at 2:23 am

    I think they’re called the Dyson Air Blade. I don’t care for them really. I seem to need several tries before they get me fully dry, and the delay between the insertion of my hands and the start of the air blade makes me feel a little uneasy. It’s like an uncomfortable pause when you extend your hand for a handshake and the “shakee” hesitates, as if they are trying to decide whether or not shaking your hand is something they want to do.

    Plus, as you noted, hands have to be inserted carefully, lest they touch the sides of the blower. It’s kind of like a game of Operation but with other peoples germs instead of a mild electric shock.

    I’d prefer to stick with paper towel please. Otherwise, If I’m just taking a leak I’m happy to have a squirt of alcohol based hand sanitizer and be on my way.

    As far as orange goes, when I think of orange I think of a girl I know and spent time with in high school Her favorite color was orange and she once tried on an orange dress in front of me. I still remember what she looked like in that dress. It’s a cherished memory. Thanks for reminding me.

    It’s been a while since I’ve been to Moe’s, but as I recall the difference between the TL and the JBOD was the absence of guacamole in one. I always thought they were a little too closely related to one another. I prefered mine with the hot salsa rather than the pico.

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      It’s kind of like a game of Operation but with other peoples germs instead of a mild electric shock.

      Jorge…THAT was funny!!!! Thanks for the best laugh I’ll probably have today!

      Reply
  11. Valentin says

    June 3, 2011 at 5:34 am

    I’m boring. I buy my shirts at Walmart and they are all the same, except for colors. I get the Dickies pocket tees. They’re about 10 bucks a piece and are decent shirts. I don’t like any of that crap with designs on it. Most of what they have is advertising MMA and whatnot.

    Reply
  12. AngryWhiteGuy says

    June 3, 2011 at 7:37 am

    OK, I have a question. This eats at me with no end, so if someone knows the correct answer, please let me know.

    Where do birds go to die? It’s not like you drive around and they fall out of the sky and hit your windsheild on a regular basis. You don’t see them littered around your front yard dead. There are a million times more birds than humans. I have heard the theory that they go off into the woods, like they know they are about to kick it, but I’ve been in the woods and never see half eaten birds laying around.

    This is really bothering me.

    Big Bear, if I had a jet pack, I would join you today. Sounds like a good time.

    And where the fuck are the jet packs? We were all s’posed to have one by now.

    Reply
    • Root 66 says

      June 3, 2011 at 8:20 am

      Seems that you hit on a good question, AWG. Remember when folks got their panties all twisted earlier this year when thousands of birds were laying around dead all over the world? I guess it’s not something you see every day.

      Maybe there’s some sort of bird graveyard kinda like an elephant graveyard?? All the aged and infirmed birds migrate there and slowly fade away…
      Hey, it’s a theory. I didn’t say it was a good one!

      Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 3, 2011 at 9:07 am

      AWG…

      This isn’t the whole answer, but Unca Cecil addresses the pigeon question…

      http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/984/where-are-all-the-dead-pigeons

      jtb

      Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 3, 2011 at 9:31 am

      Thanks AWG, I have no idea but I do have this song stuck in my head for some reason and felt it only fair to share.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6inwzOooXRU

      Reply
      • AngryWhiteGuy says

        June 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

        I apologize….really. No one should have to have had that get in their head after my question.

        Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        June 3, 2011 at 11:22 am

        Dammit, WB, keep those earworm songs to yourself. Now I’m humming like Karen Carpenter but eating a great deal more than she did.

        jtb

        Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 3, 2011 at 9:36 am

      Jetpacks are coming. Only problem is they cost a 100k. And I don’t think they’re jet powered, not to mention the range is 30 miles at a top speed of 62MPH. I’m guessing it would take a week to get from FL to OH at that rate.

      http://www.pcworld.com/article/229073/martin_jetpack_flies_to_5000_feet_tests_ballistic_parachute_safety_system.html

      Reply
      • T. Farty McAppleass says

        June 3, 2011 at 10:34 am

        Also, like the birds, I think almost 20 million people die each year in the US. Kudos to those that haul off dead bodies. You never a dead body laying in the grocery store or slumped over in an elevator. But come on, 20 million? You’d think there would be shit tons of dead bodies laying around. You’d expect to see one everry once in a while. Weird.

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          June 3, 2011 at 10:50 am

          20 million? You’re pulling numbers out of your bulbous shaped ass. I challenge you to a duel!

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            June 3, 2011 at 11:20 am

            I think the number is more like 2.4 million per year. It’s easy to be off by a decimal place. Anyway, that’s still a lot of bodies to dispose of. However, the death thing is pretty well spread around geographically. If they all died in, say, Pittsburgh, that would probably end up being a problem.

            jtb

            Reply
          • T. Farty McAppleass says

            June 3, 2011 at 11:46 am

            If I say it’s 20 million, then by God, it’s 20 million. I accept your challenge to a duel, but I insist that we use bow and arrow.

            Reply
            • WB in OH says

              June 3, 2011 at 11:54 am

              All I have is a cross bow? How about wrist rocket slingshots?

              Reply
              • T. Farty McAppleass says

                June 3, 2011 at 12:28 pm

                How about hand grenades or sticks of dynomite? Or I’d be willing to go with a more unconventional way. Maybe we could each eat some bad meat or something, and whoever dies from salmonella or mad cow or whatever, is the asshole.

                Reply
                • WB in OH says

                  June 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm

                  Hmmm…Putrid sammiches at 20 paces, could work.

                • T. Farty McAppleass says

                  June 3, 2011 at 12:35 pm

                  I’ll put some ham out on the driveway at once. Contact me in 63 days, if you’re still angry we’ll settle this like gentleman.

                • WB in OH says

                  June 3, 2011 at 12:49 pm

                  It’s a deal sir!

                • T. Farty McAppleass says

                  June 3, 2011 at 12:58 pm

                  Can you imagine a duel where they throw hand grenades or dynamite at each other? If it lands next to you, you just have to stand there and let it go off of you’re a coward. Yeah, I think I’d be fine with being called a coward before I’d sit there and watch the fuse burn down and blow my body in half.

    • Lee Harvey Ramone says

      June 3, 2011 at 10:50 am

      I have been collecting all of the dead birds for the last 11 years or so. They are kept in a huge pit in my backyard. The wife keeps bugging me about finding a more sanitary hobby, but I find collecting dead birds to be quite relaxing.

      Reply
    • Gretchen says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      They go into the “Angry Birds” game to die.

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        June 3, 2011 at 6:44 pm

        how about you just rub your dicks together and whichever one catches fire first wins?

        Reply
  13. WB in OH says

    June 3, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Clothes shopping. Uhg. My wardrobe is just about wittled down to two WVSR t-shirts, a handful of other t-shirts and a couple of golf polo’s. I need to go shopping, I just can’t bear to head to the mall.

    The school colors around here are orange and black, if Toney is correct, there are a lot of sport’s Mom and Dads sporting a bad look. Speaking of the old alma mater, the baseball team plays for the State Championship tomorrow. As much as I like baseball, I’ve never been to a high school game. Seems strange.

    Jeff is headed to Greenwich Village on book business, how far off are black turtle necks and tweed jackets?

    The Dyson hand dryers freak me the fuck out. I have this fear of sticking my hands into mechanical contraptions. I’m convinced I’ll be pulling out two bloody stumps. Funk dat! I wipe my hands on my pants.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      June 3, 2011 at 10:07 am

      I’ve been taking way too big a risk. You’re supposed to stick your HANDS in that thing?

      jtb

      Reply
    • Root 66 says

      June 3, 2011 at 11:01 am

      “how far off are black turtle necks and tweed jackets?”

      …then Mr. Kay will be sporting a beret, goatee and wanting to share his “poetry” with us!

      Reply
      • Jason says

        June 3, 2011 at 12:32 pm

        Holy shit. The only thing that could be worse is if he started insisting on doing “perfomance art”. I think I’d blow my brain out.

        Reply
        • Root 66 says

          June 3, 2011 at 3:24 pm

          That reminds me of when “Terrible Terry Tate” was doing sidewalk mime work before he became the “Office Linebacker.”
          He’s standing on this guy and screaming, “If you don’t respect the arts, the arts don’t respect you!”

          Reply
      • uncle_wedgie says

        June 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm

        You can hear the finger clicking from here out west.

        Reply
        • uncle_wedgie says

          June 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm

          And bongos

          Reply
          • Root 66 says

            June 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

            He might even become more popular with N & N. They seem to be a couple of cool, groovy, free-lovin’ hep-cat leftovers from the ’60’s!

            Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:44 pm

      Will we be calling Jeff Deiter before too long?

      Reply
    • chill says

      June 3, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      School colors – I got mistaken for a Stillers fan one time, because I was inadvertently wearing a yellow-and-black jacket. You just can’t be too careful these days.
      .

      Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 4, 2011 at 4:33 pm

      WB, okay, this is totally sick (probably why I’m here on thewvsr constantly) But…I live in a tiny major city, and my wife donates my clothes to the homeless shelter. Imagine how it feels for me to drive down the street and see homeless people wearing my old clothes…and looking better than I did in them!

      As revenge to her, I have threatened to sell her granny panties on eBay! 🙂

      Reply
  14. madz1962 says

    June 3, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Jeff, my niece is a police officer in Greenwich Village. Her first arrest was a couple of trannies punching the shit out of each other “He broke my nail” “He hit me with his high heel.” One was clutching a hunk of wig hair during the brawl and the other was using his purse as a weapon. Ahhhh always entertaining.

    I HATE clothes shopping. I actually have the same top in 6 different colors. I’m getting a little bored with it now but the thought of dragging my ass into a store, gawking, touching, trying on makes me break out in a cold sweat. And I’m probably the last woman on earth who doesn’t have “summer” and “winter” clothes – OI wear the same crap year round.

    Reply
  15. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    June 3, 2011 at 10:46 am

    You have been to New York City enough times now that you can shorten it to “The City”. Maybe eventually you will feel comfortable enough to begin calling Greenwich Village “The Village”. Then you can start saying things like “The last time I was in the city, I ordered the Joey in the village”.

    Then, sir, you will have truly arrived……

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

      To quote Stevie Wonder “New York City – just like I pictured it!”

      Reply
  16. bikerchick says

    June 3, 2011 at 11:19 am

    I absolutely hate shopping for clothes. No one makes clothing for women with bewbs and a butt…like me. It’s very frustrating. I love orange and wear it often. Harley colors..so natch. Plus, it looks nice with my blonde hair.

    Some of the fashions they have displayed on mannequin’s is laughable. I mean, who is actually wearing this ridiculous shit? The best is when the employees try to pull it off. When you’re 100 lbs over weight, perhaps a macro-mini skirt, and the new “belly shirts” and gladiator sandles are not for you…even if you are 19 years old.

    Reply
    • m says

      June 3, 2011 at 6:39 pm

      You can find stuff for the well-endowed, but you have to be at least 5’8″ to wear it. Some idiot in the fashion industry decided that when you gain weight you gain height. I’m short and fat, so I’m SOL when it comes to clothes. I own one shirt in 3 different colors because when I finally find something that fits I get several patterns. And it seems with men to be just the opposite. We can never find pants for my husband because he’s tall and fat. There are plenty of pants out there for the short and fat or the tall and skinny, but guys that are just all around big are left out. Big and tall stores should be called Big OR Tall.

      Reply
  17. bikerchick says

    June 3, 2011 at 11:21 am

    …sandals… I’ve had a viral pink eye all week. No contacts. Can’t see the monitor. Can’t spell either.

    Reply
  18. Jason says

    June 3, 2011 at 11:21 am

    I saw one of those Dyson hand drier things but I was scared to use it because I’d just cut my finger. I was afraid the swift moving air would split my meat open to the bone. So I just wiped my hands on my jeans and walked out. Looked liked I’d pissed myself, so that was good.

    My wife bought one of Dyson’s vacuum cleaners. I said, “How much was that fucking thing?” She said, “You’ll just get mad and say that anything that cost that much should be able to drive you to work.” So I still don’t know what she paid for it.

    Dyson is running out of shit to fuck around with. That fan thing, we have one at the office. What’s next? Is he going to try and reinvent the lamp or something? Or maybe make a burial bag to use instead of a traditional casket? He needs to lay off.

    I don’t own anything orange, I don’t think. I only wear shirts that have wolf heads, smoking fish, or something witty written on them in “puff paint”. I have a sweet shirt that I decorated with a bedazzler and wrote “No Means Yes” on it in puff paint. Pretty great, huh?

    I caught an old episode of the “Speed Racer” cartoon on television last night. And I think that fucker really was on speed. Look it up on youtube or whatever. He’s always sweating and jerking around, “Wha? Oh! Wha? Oh!”

    I was outside watering some flowers for my wife this morning and I could have sworn that I heard my neighbor Dan say to his son, “If I catch you in your mother’s panties one more time….” I’m hoping that I heard him right. His boy is a real shitcock. I caught him snooping around my house a few times. Now I’m wondering if he was trying to get his hands on some of my wife’s panties. Good God. What do you suppose happens to boys like that when they grow up? Have any of you ladies ever seen a guy in Victoria’s Secret who claims to be buying shit for his wife, who he claims just so happens to be exactly the same size as him?

    I’ve always wondered if there were weirdo chicks out there that liked to sneak around and put on men’s underwear and wife beaters. A woman in tighty whiteys with a piss flap on the front of them, that’s hard for me to imagine. It’s a lot harder for a woman to cross-dress I guess. I mean, what does she do, not wear makup and put on pants? Maybe wear a tie? Big fucking deal.

    I don’t think it’s possible for a woman to be a pervert. Not really. You never hear about a woman going to the hospital to get a coke bottle removed from her ass.

    I guess that’s enough for now.

    Reply
    • tomincola says

      June 3, 2011 at 11:57 am

      I bet you will now .

      Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      June 3, 2011 at 12:10 pm

      He are a couple of weirdo chicks in wife beaters for you.

      http://www.heavy.com/action/girls/2010/09/the-20-hottest-girls-wearing-beaters/20/

      Reply
      • Jason says

        June 3, 2011 at 12:31 pm

        Yes, but as I’m sure you’ll admit, that’s not at all comparable to some guy with a five o’clock shadow wearing lipstick, a wig, and fake lashes. Knowhatimean?

        Reply
        • Bill in WV says

          June 3, 2011 at 1:51 pm

          LMAO!!! Randall “Tex” Cobb in Fletch 2.

          Fletch: What’s your name?

          Tex: Bend Over

          Fletch: Nice to meet you Ben.

          Reply
  19. sunshine_in_va says

    June 3, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    “always-troublesome hand cream kiosk”

    Heh. What a minefield Jeff lives in.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:16 pm

      I can’t stand those kiosks in the mall, either. If the product was any good, they should be able to get a whole store.

      Reply
  20. WB in OH says

    June 3, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    I’ve been invited to an “Engagement Party”. A friend of mine recently got engaged and they’re having a get together at a local tavern. The whole thing seems a bit bizarre. Am I supposed to bring a gift? Bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners and the wedding. How many fucking get togethers do two people need to tie the freaking knot? And before anybody says “you only get to do it once” it’s both of theirs second time around. I’m boycotting! Fukkit.

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:18 pm

      “Engagement party” slang for “gimme”

      Reply
      • bikerchick says

        June 3, 2011 at 1:47 pm

        I agree. Especially since they are throwing it themselves. Buy ’em a round of drinks and call it a night.

        Reply
    • Bill in WV says

      June 3, 2011 at 1:58 pm

      Get them an 8 inch dong with a suction cup on the end. She’ll understand.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        June 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm

        Knit him a scrotum cozy.

        Reply
        • bikerchick says

          June 3, 2011 at 2:26 pm

          “…..Knit him a scrotum cozy…..”

          With a string that attaches it to a pair of mittens so he will never lose it.

          Reply
          • madz1962 says

            June 3, 2011 at 2:39 pm

            and with any leftover yarn, you can go crazy and crochet a set of titty tassles!

            Reply
    • t-storm says

      June 3, 2011 at 5:05 pm

      Buy them a beer that some other guy already took a drink out of.

      Reply
  21. AngryWhiteGuy says

    June 3, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Bring some second hand gifts:

    Used bar of soap
    Tires with 5000 miles of tread worn off
    Half burnt candles
    Dryer worn towels
    And, as a joke gift- used condoms

    Reply
  22. Bill in WV says

    June 3, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    I was at a NASCAR race one weekend with some buddies. We were walking through the hospitality/souvenir area before the race and a lady stopped my buddy and asked him if he’d like to register to win a boat. Without hesitation, my buddy answered “Nah, ain’t got no water”. This is on our list of what we call “Seanisms”.

    Reply
  23. AngryWhiteGuy says

    June 3, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Dr. Jack and Marshall Matt Dillon in the same day. Who’s next to go?

    Reply
    • Jason says

      June 3, 2011 at 2:39 pm

      And we lost bin laden recently too. And Corey Haim.

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        June 3, 2011 at 3:13 pm

        Don’t forget Liz Taylor and Jack LaLanne also took the proverbial dirt naps, too.

        Reply
        • Jason says

          June 3, 2011 at 3:33 pm

          God. I’m beginning to think that there’s very little hope any of us will make it out of this thing alive. What about Jacko? And what about Anna Nicole, just about her whole fucking family dropped dead at the same time.

          Reply
          • Root 66 says

            June 3, 2011 at 3:37 pm

            Don’t worry. The death rate isn’t increasing. It’s still one per person!

            Reply
            • Jason says

              June 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm

              Well they’re not taking me alive, motherfuckers. There’s a hell of a lot of people who better hope that I never find out that I have only 6 months to live, because that’ll mean they only have about 5 months to live. That’s right, when I get old and sick I’m going on a killing spree.

              Reply
    • Root 66 says

      June 3, 2011 at 3:27 pm

      …I wonder if ol’ Dr. Kevorkian had any help with HIS death!

      Reply
      • madz1962 says

        June 3, 2011 at 3:49 pm

        Yes, he called Michael jackson’s doctor.

        Reply
      • Bill in WV says

        June 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm

        An 83 year old butthole can only take so much in prison.

        Reply
  24. Henderson says

    June 3, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Shirts—Go to Dillards.
    Polo will cost you a little more, but they last a decade [wear a t-shirt!] and they will have the EXACT same shirt 10 years from now.

    Polos with Levi’s 501 and black boots. I think I’ve looked exactly the same for 15 years.

    Reply
  25. kristin says

    June 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Toney’s right – only black people look good in orange. Most white folks can’t pull off yellow either – I know I get pretty dark in the summer, but I put on either color and instantly look like I have hepatitis.

    Reply
  26. chris says

    June 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    The Joey Bag o’ donuts is a reference to a mike birbiglia standup joke. just fyi. he’s actually pretty funny i think.

    Reply
    • m says

      June 3, 2011 at 6:49 pm

      I adore Mike Birbiglia. His book Sleepwalk With Me was great.

      Reply
  27. t-storm says

    June 3, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Um, Jeff, it looks like the guy on the bunker cam is on the lam (lamb?).

    http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20110601/NEWS010703/306010115

    Reply
  28. icecycle66 says

    June 3, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Just as soon as Jeff Kay stops buying beer the price starts going up. I guess the loss in sales volume is hitting the market pretty hard.

    http://www.pri.org/business/beer-getting-more-expensive.html

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm

      Sheesh, ya notice that the minute he becomes a famous author that he goes from Sears to Macys? lol

      Reply
      • dto says

        June 4, 2011 at 4:58 pm

        …yeah…but he’s still taking the bus to The City (or is it The Village?).

        Reply
        • clintcurtis says

          June 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm

          Hehehe…and he is getting older, so the next bus trip after this may very well be to The Villages, Florida! 🙂

          Reply
  29. t-storm says

    June 3, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Can I ask you a question?

    Say yes, but you have one first.
    Do you have any ball cream?

    Reply
  30. Kristy says

    June 3, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    My husband read this right before I did. He walked back in as I was giggling about ‘tree sperm’.
    I said, “Toney’s right. Only black people look good in orange.” He said, “Michael Irvin can pull it off!” I said, “No shit…He’s black!” Sweet Maria.

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 6, 2011 at 1:56 pm

      Kristy, believe me, NOBODY looks good in orange! Well, maybe the Cincinatti Bengals…but even then, they are usually all under a pile of the opposing players and it covers up the orangeness.

      Reply
  31. Chuck in Belpre says

    June 3, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    I see more and more guys wearing those day-glo green t-shirts. Damn things are so bright it makes your eyes hurt. What’s up with that?

    Give me some plain old Hanes Beefy-t’s and Levis and I’m good to go.

    Reply
    • dto says

      June 3, 2011 at 11:57 pm

      Hey Chuck…”I see more and more guys wearing those day-glo green t-shirts”…
      They’re known as county workers. It’s the new orange because not everybody can wear orange and accessorize.

      (Wranglers and Hane’s white long sleeve large Ts do me).

      Reply
      • clintcurtis says

        June 4, 2011 at 4:37 pm

        The moment you see more guys in WV wearing day glo green than Blue and Gold…THAT will be the final sign of the Appocalypse!

        Reply
  32. rob says

    June 4, 2011 at 8:33 am

    This update and the comments are just so awesome. Awesome, I tell you!
    I made the mistake of parking my black truck under a pecan tree, overnight. The next morning, it was completely covered with sticky goo, which I refer to as “tree jizz”. I mean, what else do you call it? Sap? Not nearly as descriptive.

    Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

      Rob, THIS is the reson I live in Alaska. Man, the tree jizz from alder trees used to get me so bad every Spring. Seriously, I used to wake up in the morning with my eyelids glues together, and then had to blindly stumble to the bathroom and soak my face in warm water to get them open. Allergies suck!!!!

      Reply
      • Chuck in Belpre says

        June 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm

        Yeh but you got skeeters up there the size of puffins.

        Reply
        • clintcurtis says

          June 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

          That is the truth, Chuck. I once went outside and I swear, there was an actual black cloud of mosquitos outside my tent!

          Reply
  33. dto says

    June 4, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    I’m not making this up…

    I just got back from The Kroger. I worked there for a bit and everybody knows me and well…me. And so does Chuck who runs the Meat and Seafood dept. but without my blue shirt on they just take me as another customer and are very polite and ‘takin’ care of business’…(sing along…) in that manner. So…ear ya gah.

    Chuck…”Help you?’
    Me………”Got any fresh turtle?”
    Honest…said that straight out.
    Chuck thought for a .008 of a second and then realized it was me and busted up. We laughed and he told me about a guy that used to work there. Before the guy quit he told management where they should shove the crab legs knowing he had just ordered three cases of fresh turtle. We talked turtle recipes (cilantro and carrots was mine) but he even said..”Ever had any snapper? Man…that’s the best. Good eatin'” with a open mouthed grin. I always liked Chuck.

    Reply
    • Alex says

      June 5, 2011 at 8:15 am

      If a guy doesn’t like snapper, there is something wrong with him.

      Reply
      • Chuck in Belpre says

        June 5, 2011 at 10:38 am

        I love snapper. And it doesn’t have to be red snapper. Know what I’m sayin’? 😉

        Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        June 6, 2011 at 11:30 am

        Yeah, they make good lawnmowers.

        Reply
  34. johnthebasket says

    June 6, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    June 5, 2011
    Safeco Field
    TIME 2:55
    ATTENDANCE 28,947

    ………………. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
    RAYS……… 0 1 2 0 0 0 0 3 0 6 12 0
    MARINERS 0 0 3 0 0 0 2 4 9 11 0

    Reply
    • AngryWhiteGuy says

      June 6, 2011 at 12:28 pm

      Rays got no fukkin bullpen, with the exception of Kyle Farnsworth. I watched this abortion yesterday.

      Reply
      • AngryWhiteGuy says

        June 6, 2011 at 12:31 pm

        Let it be known that I was a Mariners fan for years. Specially when they had Randy Johnson, Jamie Moyer, A-Rod, Bret Boone, Edgrrrrrrr. Ichiro deserves a better team.

        Reply
        • dto says

          June 6, 2011 at 1:28 pm

          Goin’ to the Reds and Cubs game toinght…
          I’ll do.box scores later if need be for ya’s provided they don’y throw me out for constantly yelling…”Yankees Suck”…

          Reply
          • Bill in WV says

            June 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm

            Goddamnit, bring back a W please!!! Don’t know what the hell is wrong with them this season.

            Reply
            • dto says

              June 6, 2011 at 4:41 pm

              I’ll do my best. Might dig out my old signed Ted Kulszwski jock strap and wear it. It’s suspossed to be hot and I can’t just show up naked.

              Reply
    • clintcurtis says

      June 6, 2011 at 2:05 pm

      Man, I remember the days of going to the Kingdome and the Mariners having less fans than they did errors! Pay 2 bucks for a cheap seat, then slide on down to a box. Sweet times!

      While I was growing up in Redmond, my brother used to deliver the Seattle Times to Bruce Bochte…one o’ the first Mariners. He was one of our childhood heroes, but back in the day, he was living in a 3 bedroom ranch style house up hear Redmond High School.

      Reply
  35. t-storm says

    June 6, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    The Reds have no bullpen. Damn. Damn. Damn.

    Reply
    • WB in OH says

      June 6, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      or starting pitching. So painful to watch right now.

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        June 6, 2011 at 3:27 pm

        cueto was good the other day. arroyo still hasn’t gotten over desert AIDS.

        Reply
        • WB in OH says

          June 6, 2011 at 3:40 pm

          Looks like they’re bringing Volquez back. Hope his time in Louisville helped. If this pitching staff doesn’t turn it around quick, we’ll 15 out by the All Star break.

          Reply
          • t-storm says

            June 6, 2011 at 3:47 pm

            uh oh

            Reply

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