We went to Sam’s Club on Saturday, to buy a new set of tires for my car, and I wanted to tell them (as Phil Hendrie might put it) to jam it up sideways, then left.
I don’t know if the guy at the counter was an asshole, semi-retarded, or both. But we weren’t communicating as humans normally do. Here’s part of our conversation:
Me: Do you have the Michelin LTX to fit a Camry?
Him: No.
Me: No?
Him: No.
Me: There’s a stack of them over there.
Him: Not to fit a Camry.
Me: Do you have any Michelins to fit a Camry?
Him: We have Goodrich.
Me: I said Michelin.
Him: We don’t have any.
Me: You don’t have any Michelins, in the whole store?
Him: Not to fit a Camry.
Me: But there are Michelin signs all over this place.
Him: We have Goodrich, and Dunlop.
Me: How about Goodyear?
Him: Yes.
Me: How much are those?
Him: Different prices.
It was maddening. His entire side of the conversation was monotone, and carried out with an I-don’t-give-a-shit-about-you attitude. I finally told him to forget it, and walked away.
And Toney got mad at me.
The two of us started arguing, and she accused me of having a run-in everywhere we go. She didn’t say it out loud, but there was an unspoken insinuation that I was acting like Sunshine. And, man, that’s a low-blow.
I don’t see how any of it was my fault. The whole conversation was a series of cul-de-sacs. He never volunteered a suggestion, or alternative to anything I asked him; I had to do all the lifting. And his attitude was infuriating.
I suggested we go to Wal-Mart or Sears, and as I was saying the words I could envision the monumental hassle it would be. So, I sighed theatrically, and went crawling back to “No Outlet” Jones.
Since I have a long commute, and live in a snowy part of the country, I didn’t want to cut corners on the tires. You know, the way I’ve done for the past thirty or so years. So, I swallowed my pride and bought the most expensive Goodyears they had.
And as I was preparing to pay, what must’ve been the regular cashier returned from his lunch break…
“Thank God, you’re back,” the first guy said, while looking straight at me. Then he went out into the garage, to spread his special brand of joy to a different group of people.
The new cashier, very personable and full of energy, said, “Did he tell you how long it will be, sir?”
“Are you kidding?” I said. “How well do you know that guy?”
But I got my tires, dammit, and that’s the important thing. And, in my own defense, I didn’t go completely Sunshine on that dude. As evidenced by my still-valid membership card… Sunny would’ve been banned for life, and possibly arrested.
And it’s interesting to note how the Jeff Kay of 2008 shops for tires vs. the Jeff Kay of, say, 1995.
Back then I would’ve asked for the absolute cheapest option, and ended up buying something manufactured by a company you don’t usually associate with tires. Like Westinghouse, or Jordache, or Arm & Hammer.
But now that I’m hurtling toward old-manhood, I instinctively gravitate toward the opposite end of the spectrum.
I swore all this stuff wouldn’t happen, yet it’s happening…
While waiting, I purchased two shirts, and this book. I went for the book because it was only $7.52, for some reason. I’d read a glowing review of it somewhere (Entertainment Weekly?), and decided to give it a shot. What of it?
And since we’re on the subject, I was in Target recently and noticed this thing on the shelves. It’s a large coffee table book, with a hard cover. Baffled, I flipped through it, and was even more confused after the fact.
On the first random page, there was a photograph of the Kool-Aid Man. Then: a black & white picture of some unknown guy smoking a cigarette. Then: Mary-Kate Olsen in a lace bra and panties.
What the hell? I didn’t spend too much time with this new literary classic, for fear of a co-worker coming around the corner and catching me looking at outsize photos of freaky insect-like chicks, wearing underwear and standing in 1977 Elvis Costello poses.
Weird shit…
Toney’s birfday is coming up, and she mentioned a certain perfume she’d like to have. And while at Sam’s I noticed a pallet-display of various “fragrances,” all being sold at the same price. I don’t know nothing ’bout no fragrances, and wondered if I might get lucky.
So, I started flipping through that crap, and realized every single item was tied to a celebrity. They had Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Tim McGraw(??), P. Diddy(?!), Gwen Stefani, and plenty of others.
How strange. I had a vague knowledge of celebrities releasing their own lines of perfumes and colognes, but didn’t know it was so widespread.
What celebrity fragrance would you be least likely to buy? Nancy Kulp? Rhea Perlman? Margaret Thatcher? Jack Black? Jack Webb? Morley Safer? Los Lobos?
Use the comments link below.
Also at Sam’s, they have an inordinate amount of “self-improvement” books. Have you ever read a self-help book that actually improved your life in some discernible way? I don’t think I’ve ever read one. I wanted to pick up Chicken Soup for the Black, Black Soul, but couldn’t find it anywhere.
Oh, I’ve read several books about writing, but those are instructional. I’m talking about the ones that supposedly teach you how to be more positive, and tell you to go to the Porsche dealer and sit in their cars, and that sort of thing.
Have you ever had any luck with such a book? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’m gonna have to stop right here. I need to iron a shirt and go to work. I know I should iron four shirts at once, so I don’t have to do it every day, but the thought of ironing four shirts is too sad to even contemplate.
See you guys tomorrow.
Courtney Love – you know that stuff has to smell as bad as she looks.
First- OMG
Number 2! I’m getting better at this.
Why no Abe Vigoda cologne?
Top Ten!?!?
OKay, we are nearing the need for an intervention here folks. I’ve documented on more than a few occasions that Jeff Kay is a pussy. However, we’ve reached some critical warning posts along life’s bumpy highway for the man of heft we rely upon to remind us our lives aint’ all that fucked up.
Clue #1– The man is now agonizing over snow tires. I mean what’s next–checking to make sure the pipes aren’t freezing on days when it’s 35 degrees?
Clue #2 — Flipping through COFFEE TABLE books–please. Leave out the fact that they are books to browse about young burned out actresses in underwear and various states of undress.
Clue #3 — He’s shocked SHOCKED I tell you that the guy at the Sam’s Auto Center desk had a reduced I-Q. Please….
I could go on, but three should suffice to get the ball rolling on a full blown investigation.
Buck Out
New, from the panorama of scents that is Ernest Borgnine.
I wouldn’t buy ANY stupid celebrity perfume, but especially not Gary Busey.
I had to break up with my last boyfriend after he became obsessed with self-help books, CDs, etc. Do they make a self-help book for self-help addicts?
How about some Tony Robbins Self-Help Perfume?
Who irons shirts? More proof the end is near…
I seldom buy perfume, but I’d be least inclined to buy something with Boris Karloff’s name on it – say “Essence of Petrified Mummy” .
I’m with you on the tire thing- I used to go around with a different brand tire on each corner of my heap-of-the-moment, now it’s Michelin or bust.
I would certainly not buy any scent from Morley Safer or Jack Webb. I’ll end up smelling like old man all by myself, thank you very much.
How about some “Hoss”? All that fat and horse sweat.
Or Festus? Jeff you need some Festus to inspire the tire man into good deals.
Feels good to be back reading the reports the same day as written! I got all snarled up last week. Looking forward to some clarity this week.
Jeff – I’m surprised you didn’t do your tire shopping online. It eliminates having to deal with actual people. I’ve heard nothing but good things about Tire Rack.
do not mess around with scents, find out exactly what toney wants and buy it and only it,do not let a sales lady tell you some other brand is better or cheaper and is almost the same thing=it wont be and you will pay dearly.
I would never buy Nick Nolte or Gary Busey cologne. In fact, I wouldn’t buy any celebrity cologne because I really got burned when I shelled out $30 for “carrot top’s” fragrance. It smelled like hot garbage.
The only self help book that ever did me any good was Hustler magazine. Self help books are a steaming pile of shit. The idea that you’re supposed to be happy and positive all the time is absurd.
Good2go – who installs your tires when you buy them online?
I own a Sentra SE-R that I used to occasionally drive too fast in.
I’ve had good luck with buying tires & wheels via internet from the Tire Rack.
Great selection and good prices.
They have a comments section where you can read buyer’s reviews of the tire that you’re considering.
They’ll ship tires to your place or to a local mechanic’s shop if you prefer.
I don’t know from perfume or cologne.
How do you quantify a smell?
Fruity, less fruity, skunk, slightly sweet…
Seems that when I was young Old Spice was the aftershave of choice, though Hai Karate was publishing ads everywhere.
I’m getting some scent memory vibes that are just PURE nasty thining about the colognes. Sweat and cigar and unscrubbed old man. Yuck.
The DH and I just had an assholery episode: This year we decided we were grownup enough to purchase season tickets to the High School Football games. Included: 2 seats on the 50 yard line and free good parking in same block as our new field. During the half time show “the band Folk” from the opposing team came and crowded onto the stadium bleachers next to us. We’re on the 50 and pretty high up with an unrestricted view of their half time performance. For some reason my DDDH decided to start making comments about band geeks and then yelled at some tubby chick for kicking his water bottle under the stands. I had to gently admonish him about acting like a thug instead of a local business man; as it turns out we were surrolunded by Cheerleader and Band and just a few Football parents. And that’s the first and last Varsity game I went to this season. This town is too small.
How about some Paul Reubens after (shave??). Mix it with a little popcorn smell and I am home…
Forgot to mention re the 50 yard line debacle: Hubby doesn’t drink. So, he had no excuse.
We buy from Tirerack and then the service station across the street from my office puts on the tires. I will say that the last time they ignored the instructions and the rather large stack of tires in the back of the vehicle and put some of their own tires on. So, it took like 2hrs longer. I don’t think they hire based on intelligence, either.
Thise self help books are great. You stack a bunch of em up and stand on them. Then you put the rope around your neck and kickem out. I don’t need no stinkin self help ?!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……….
I wouldn’t purchase Kid Rock cologne. I think we covered that last week in that he ‘prolly reeks of cigarettes, weed and stale PBR.
Women’s fragrance? Stop dead in your tracks for eau de Amy Winehouse
when I’m feeling blue, instead of referencing useless self-help books, I slap on some David Berkowitz perfume and dream up new and imaginative ways that people (namely, my asshole co-workers) might succumb to a grisly death at the office.
Too bad there’s no Discount Tire locations in PA… those guys are great on price and service. Stories like yours are why I refuse, REFUSE, to shop at WalMart or Sams.
Rosie O’Donnell perfume would probably smell a bit too musky for the women in my life.
Jeff…..give us a review on the AC/DC book when you finish it off. Black Ice has sounded promising on Sirius.
Brandy,
HAHAHA! That reminds me of a quote by Jack Handy:
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
When does everyone think we’ll read a new edition of the super secret exclusive update???
I’ve got 14 little jack-o-lanterns to work on tonight.
You’re becoming Larry David.
i still don’t get how calling it “eau de toilette” moves it off the shelf….
Not to mention, Buck, Jeff drinks at that ‘fag’ bar all the time now. Carefully describing it as a Yuppie joint. I can assure you it’s a fag bar. Dudes, they have a Latin.Jazz.Quartet that plays there. So obviously…
Adam Carolla or Danny Bonaduche colonge shudder… Or Pam Anderson perfume eau de fake boobies and peroxide?
Try to buy middle of the road tires, not too high or cheap.. Wanna live during the commute.
the only time i’ve ever bought a tire is when it blows out or goes flat or something. Is this something that you’re supposed to do regularly?
Might I also add, it’s been about 8000 miles since my last oil change.
I also don’t change the filter in the air conditioner at home until the a/c breaks. why do today what you can put off until it becomes an issue?
Michael Jackson, Cameron Diaz, Rosie O’Donnell or John Mayer wouldn’t be anything I’d spray on myself.
I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie a few years back – Does that qualify as a self-help book? I just want to be able to get things done my way, not necessarily improve myself.
I think we can all blame Elizabeth Taylor for all of the celebrity perfumes and colognes, as she seemed to start it all. Now if you want to smell like Paris Hilton, just slap some jiz on your neck.
Eau de Alan Greenspan.
Smells like Andrea Mitchell.
Uncle_Wedgie I had to laugh out loud! I forwarded your comments to Tony Robbins in the hope he’ll use the advice:) I always splash on some eau de Amy winehouse for special occasions then I smell like the morning after the night before!!
Got new tires for the wife’s van last week.
Looked online for discounted tire prices. Saw that they sell for $92 to $105 each, as an average.
Called local tire/service store.
Do you carry BF Goodrich T/A whatever R16?
Yes, in stock.
How much?
$102.99 each.
How much for mount, balance, new valve stems, disposal, etc?
All included.
Can I drop the van and you ride me back home?
Yep.
Tomorrow 8:00 AM ok?
Yep.
Excellent, no bullshit. Good price. Very happy.
brandy – you really need to get your oil changed! new engines are a tad spendy…
We were at Sam’s for tires on Saturday too – but they said the wait would be 2.5 hours. So, we went back this morning. 2 hour wait. But, we got the Michelins, baby! :–)
Biz Markie’s avez obtenu vous de ce que j’ai besoin
It’s Tire Rack all the way for me, too! A few years ago I bought 4 new tires for my Corvette after a very bad hydroplaning incident . Hey, I had just bought it and didn’t realize hitting the accelerator on wet asphalt would cause it to do a fabulous 360! No damage, but new tires were definitely in order (I’ll swear the thing has racing slicks on it). Tire Rack had the best prices (4 tires for a Corvette are VERY pricey). They shipped them to my local service station to install. I also used Tire Rack recently for new tires for my Tahoe. Best prices out there. Plus, if you put in your zip code, they will show you “recommended installers”. You can use one of those or anyone/anywhere you want them shipped.
Kudos on Tire Rack + local mechanic install=
High performance, fast driving and happy motoring.
They have what YOU want for your car and knowledgeable staff.
Buy a self help book from Sam’s.
Improve yourself enough so you don’t have to shop at Sam’s anymore.
Two hour wait for tires??
That’s LONGER than the doctor’s office.
Or a really good restaurant.
Splash on some “Mel” by Vic Tayback. Works every time.
I’m with Buck on this one. Of course I live in Florida where the notion of snow tires is a distant memory.
John Goodman’s cologne is all right… If you like smelling like sweat and McDonald’s french fries.
I can’t believe that KISS has a cologne. And if you wanted to meet Gene Simmons when it came out, you had to purchase the $100 gift set. For $4 you could have spit at him when he left the building. The guy is a genius.
I would not wear an Amy Winehouse perfume. No, no, no. Eww, or Ann Coulter. Nooo thanks.
She is a great artist, but no Patty Smith cologne for me.
Jason,
Holy CRAP!, that’s funny stuff.