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Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

My Ridiculous Voice, a Cry for Help, and Bragging Contrarians

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Thanks, everyone, for the feedback on my recent radio appearance.  It went OK.  And by that, I mean nobody cried, nobody shit their pants, and nobody threw a wild haymaker.  So… I consider it a success.

But, once again, the reaction to my voice baffles me.  In the comments and via email, I was told that I’ve completely lost my West Virginia accent, and that I have a strong West Virginia accent.  I sound southern, as well as northern.  I’m both nasally and gravelly, which is almost impossible, as far as I know.  And one person even said they detected a little California surfer dude in there.  WTF?

Apparently all the moving around I’ve done in my life has created some kind of hideous Frankenstein monster of a dialect.  I don’t know.

I admit to making a conscious effort to try to mute my West Virginia/southern accent when I lived in California, because it made me stick out like a turd in the potato soup.  I have no problem with my heritage; I’m proud of where I’m from.  But I don’t want to be known as “that guy who talks funny.”

Regardless of whether it’s fair or unfair, I wanted to avoid such a thing.  I’d rather be remembered for something other than a novelty speech pattern.  I didn’t want to be in the same category as, “You know, the guy with one eye that just rolls around in its socket?”  Or, “You remember… the woman who smells like Fritos?”

So, I tried to tamp down my hillbilly tendencies a bit.  And I guess some weird shit has happened as a result?  I’m unclear.  But it’s pretty confusing to open two emails back to back, with completely contradictory statements about the way I talk.  Very strange.

And speaking of the way I talk, I’m thinking about cranking up the podcasts again.  However, I’m going to need some help.  Would any of you like to volunteer your engineering skillz?  If/when I start it up again, I’d like to have intro and outro music, a little light editing of the ums and uhs, and whatever else you might suggest.

If that’s something that interests you, please send me an email.  At the most it’ll only be two files per month, so it won’t be a heavy load.  If you’re a sound editor and want to help out, please let me know.  ‘Cause God knows I need it.

A few days ago I was talking with a guy who thinks he’s a hero because he doesn’t have a cell phone.  Do you know these types?  They make grand proclamations, as if they’re delivering a campaign speech, and wear it as a badge of honor to not own a portable phone.  Bravo, my good man!  Bravo!!  A stunning accomplishment.

I’ve also met similar assholes along the way who claim to not own a television, and that sort of thing.  And I don’t give a crap, people can do whatever they want.  What do I care?  It’s the bragging in a superior tone that bugs me.  They always act like they’re freakin’ Nelson Mandela, and expect people to be wowed by their courage and conviction.

I started thinking about the things I could brag about, the stuff that most of society engages in, and I do not.  And all I could come up with, off the top of my head, was reality shows.  I’ve never watched any prime time reality programs, including Survivor, The Apprentice, or Dancing with the Stars.  And the only time I watched American Idol was in England.  I’ve never seen an episode in America.

I do, however, watch 30 minute kinda-sorta reality programs on cable channels.  Stuff like Selling New York, House Hunters, and Pawn Stars.  Do those qualify?  I’m not sure, but the difference is this:  I don’t brag about it, and don’t launch into a righteous monologue every time somebody mentions one of those shows.

I am a pretty big beer snob, and have been known to openly sneer at a man for ordering a Coors Light inside a bar that offers fifteen craft beers on tap.  And I sometimes pontificate on the subject, as well.

But I’m not sure that qualifies.  Snobbery isn’t the same thing as being a contrarian, and expecting everyone to be impressed by your stubborn refusal to play along.  Right?  It’s closely related, but different.

In any case, it’s always the bragging that bothers me.  That “I’m smarter than everybody else — please believe it” attitude…  Do you know anyone who falls into this category?  If so, we’re going to need to know about it in the comments.

Oh, and I just thought of another one:  I knew a guy in Atlanta who claimed to only shower twice a week, because Big Soap, or whatever, has brainwashed everyone into thinking they need daily scrub-downs.  And, of course, he told everyone who would listen.  He’d go on and on like a TV evangelist, and it only made folks think he was disgusting, not smart.

So… here are your Questions of the Day:

Do you know any contrarians who like to brag about their refusal to conform?  Please tell us about them.

Also, have you ever tried to get rid of your natural accent for some reason?  How did it go?  Can you slip back into it when the timing is appropriate?

And finally, have you ever picked up a NEW accent, after moving to a different part of the country or world?  Toney’s cousin grew up in Nevada, but moved to Philadelphia about twenty years ago.  And man, she’s got the thickest Philly accent of just about anyone I’ve heard.  I think she cultivates it.

And that’s going to do it…  I had some trouble with this one, for some reason.  The words weren’t exactly flowing, but I hope it’s not too obvious.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
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Comments

  1. I own a cell phone and take an occasional crap at work. Recently in a crowded bathroom, we got to witness someone doing both at the same time. He was carrying on a full conversation with many pissing amd flushing sounds going on constantly. Multitaking at it’s best.

    Reply

    • We have a jackass here at work, that I don’t think can poop unless he’s talking on the cell phone.

      Reply

        • That’s pretty repulsive! How can anyone eat and shit at the same time? Then again, I’ve seen guys go into the bathroom with a cup of coffee, a smoke and the paper. Is there some secret club in there?

          Reply

            • I was in a walmart one time and I saw a guy walk into a toilet stall with a subway sandwich bag. I heard it rustling, and I could tell he was sitting on the toilet, eating a foot long.

              Reply

              • That’s awesome. I really hope it was one of those sloppy meatball sandwiches.

                It would suck to have some cheese marinara napalm drip down onto your exposed inner thigh.

                Reply

                • It was fucking disgusting. The only thing I saw hit the floor was some scraps (black olives or something) and a couple of unused napkins. He was wearing flip-flops, showing off his corn chip toenails.

  2. I own a cell phone and take an occasional crap at work. Recently in a crowded bathroom, we got to witness someone doing both at the same time. He was carrying on a full conversation with many pissing amd flushing sounds going on constantly. Multitaking at it’s best.

    Reply

  4. I’m a ME/WV/OH/NC Hybrid, yet have been told quite often that I sound like a Midwesterner. I have no idea what that means.

    My kid, on the other hand, sounds like she is being primed for disaster stories on the evening news. It is equally horrifying and endearing to hear requests for “Mowhmuh” (that’s me) and “Diddy” (her dad) to “playse hilp rayse mowney” for her cause of the week.

    That said, she reads at a 10th grade level (as a 4th grader) and is a straight A student. Go figure.

    Reply

  5. Then there are the douchebags who brag about “only watching PBS” if they own a TV. As if watching insects having sex and 30 year old British sitcoms makes you smarter, not dumber. Can’t stand ’em and I tell ’em immediately to STFU.

    I have no accent, even after living in NC for 21 years. Lots of travel and living in different places before here must be the cause of that.

    I know families here who beat their kids for speaking with the southern drawl – telling them there is a social stigma against the hick accent and if they want to be successful in life they better drop it.

    I’ve hired some of the more rural NC folks to work on my house & yard, and sometimes I feel like I need an interpreter to have a conversation with them. Thick, thick hillbilly is hard to understand, yet fluid and wonderful to listen to. Imagine Charles Kuralt doing Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve “strokespeak” at high speed, that’s what it sounds like to me.

    Reply

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