Now that we’re in another political season (already), I’m looking forward to hearing about the people the candidates have met while out campaigning.
“I was in a diner last week, Sherry’s Diner, in Raw Sewage, Arkansas, when a mother of Siamese twin war veterans approached me in tears…”
I love when they tell us about these conversations, and it’s even better when they bring the people onstage with them, like Carrot Top and his trunk of “funny.” Someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll also be able to play the part of fully-exploited political prop. Look at this man! No, look! Don’t turn away!!
And it’s fun to watch the candidates drip-feed their talking points to the media, then hear people at work or the grocery store, or whatever, repeating them — as if they’re saying something really original and profound.
It’s also enjoyable when people get into huge political arguments, using pre-programmed slogans and opposition propaganda. “99%!… socialism!… fair share!…”
Years ago I had a forum attached to this website, and people would go there and start political flame wars all the time. They repeated the same buzzwords and well-rehearsed arguments, over and over again. I got tired of it, so I went in and set up a bunch of rules that would cause the forum to automatically change certain phrases, to new phrases that I chose.
There were a bunch of them, but the one that worked the best was “Halliburton.” Whenever someone typed that word and posted it, “I have a tiny penis” would appear in its place. Comedy ensued. I kept adding these kinds of rules, until it was almost impossible to maintain a political argument there. So much fun…
But I’m going to make a pledge to you now: there will be no political commentary at TheWVSR in 2012. Not by me, anyway. It’s not that I don’t think it’s important, or that I’m uninformed (you might be surprised). It’s just that the world is already lousy with armchair political scientists, and I can’t see the need for another one.
If you desire a political blog, it’s certainly not hard to find… But the West Virginia Surf Report will serve as a sanctuary during this election year. When it all starts to weigh you down, you can come here and join a conversation about vomiting, Elvis Costello, fast food, juvenile delinquency, House Hunters, fat people falling off toilets, etc.
And so, I hereby proclaim this website a Politics-Free Zone. At least through the election… I don’t want to be in the business of censoring anyone, but please also try to hold back on the political snark in the comments. I’d rather not install a rule that turns “Obamacare” into “I sniff the buttholes day and night,” and that sort of thing. But I will, if necessary.
Thank you for your attention to this important matter. And pass the beer nuts.
This past week was tough on me at work. I struggled to make it through four days, after recently sailing through eleven with little trouble. I COULDN’T WAIT for the weekend, and today it finally arrived. Ahhh… sweet relief.
But I was sitting in Moe’s a little while ago, polishing off a cannonball of chicken and rice, when my phone rang. It was my boss’s boss, and she asked if I was available for a special project on Friday and Saturday. So, there you go… My Loverboy dreams are dashed, once again.
Yeah, I know. I could’ve said no, but that’s not the way I roll. Plus, we can always use the extra money. I’m trying to write a book and keep getting knocked off course, which is frustrating. But whatever. The Bat Phone rang, so I need to do my duty and serve Gotham. Or something.
Speaking of work, someone brought in a giant bucket of Atomic Fireballs last night, and put it in the middle of our department. There was a sign taped to it that said, “Our team is red hot! Help yourself to some red hot candy.”
After mumbling “oh, brother,” I decided to take them up on their offer, and unsheathed a fireball into my mouth. I used to like them as a kid, so I went to work on one of those jawbreakers like it was 1974.
And within two minutes I was near-tears. It was unbelievably hot, and just kept on going. I seemed to remember layers of relief, but this thing was unrelenting and felt like it was burning a hole through my face.
“Holy fuck!” I hollered, and everybody laughed. But I wasn’t trying to be funny. It was like a hunk of plutonium in my mouth. I kept gripping it between my front teeth, so it wasn’t touching any skin. But even then… I could feel heat radiating off the thing. I wanted to spit it into a trash can, but refused to be defeated. Eventually it disappeared, leaving strips of dangling skin in its wake.
I used to like those things?! Wonder if I would’ve also enjoyed an hour or two on “the rack” at the Tower of London? Good god.
Have you had any recent encounters with the full-sized Atomic Fireballs? The ones that are slightly smaller than a golf ball? Please tell us about it. Also, have you ever revisited a food that you remember liking, and was shocked at how bad it was? That might be a long-shot, but it’s all I got.
I need to call it a day, my friends. All four of us are going out to dinner tonight, which is super-rare. So, I’ll see ya next time – whenever that happens to be. My inner-Loverboy is weeping softly into his red leather pants…
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
I’m flustered!
And I hate cloves.
If pussy tasted like cloves, you’d be gay.
Pop culture makes it seem like gay is the new straight.
I had a fireball last week and that bitch was tiny. What happened to the big one that you couldn’t hold between your molars if your mouth was shaped fairly normally? Rip off. But hot. I rinsed it under the faucet until the worst was over. Yeah, I’m a big old pussy, what of it?
Every so often I’ll grab a Coors Light, hoping to recapture the feeling of college. And every time I think “Why did I do this? I coulda had something good!”
This routine repeats every six to eight months.
I invite you to listen to No Agenda Show I might have mentioned it before, but I am enjoying how the show deciphers current events.
It’s partially factual and wildly entertaining!
FYI — If you are hearing impaired, we have started transcribing the show! You can now READ No agenda as of show 376 !
Crackpot and Buzzkill…my two favorites.
Twinkies. Every once in awhile I think they look good and that I used to like them….until the first bite and I throw it out. I just can’t handle twinkies anymore. Fortunately I can still pound down some swiss cake rolls!
Swiss Cake Rolls were invented by the devil. They’d have to be because they’re so bad for you but they taste incredibly delicious!! Mmmmmmmm.
Where do you find Swiss Rolls? I haven’t seen them around here (New Jersey) for quite some time…
Little Debbie makes them and you can find them in any local grocery store, Waltmart, Target, etc. down here in Texas. They still come in the handy twin-wrapped design too. Yum!
I’ve never had an atomic fireball above the waist, but, in the scheme of things, does it matter? Does MItt care? Does Newt care? Does Obamacare? I have a small penis.
jtb
You also sniff the buttholes day and night.
So I guess F-in Bush is not allowed here anymore?
Only if it refers to pubic hair or the band.
Had an upper GI today. Found out that I have shrapnel in my throat. Who knew?
How long before the bucket of plaster tries to work its way out of my ass? I feel like I ate 5 gallons of drywall compound, I can barely choke down this glass of bourbon.
The best part is how weighty your shit becomes after one of those tests. Please be sure and yell “bombs away!” when you finally do drop your cargo, because the splashdown is pretty awesome.
I used to really like Fizzies, which were like fruit flavored Alka-Seltzer tablets which, when dropped into a cold glass of water, produced the most delicious carbonated cherry drink that could possibly exist.
Recently I was in a store that sells vintage candies – stuff that you didn’t know still existed – and there it was: Cherry Fizzies! I excitedly bought a box, telling my skeptical girlfriend just how good this stuff was. “Just wait, you won’t believe how good this is!”
Of course, it tasted like total shit. I couldn’t take more than a couple of sips. Either they’ve radically changed the recipe, or I was pretty easily impressed as a kid.
In grade school (yes I am one post too late) we used to put them in our mouths and see who could take it the longest. A day late I remember something from grade school. Go figure..
Aw crap…I guess I’ll have to quit using my favorite Ross Perot quotes for a while.
I checked out the Wikipedia page on Atomic Fireballs, and was fascinated to learn that: 1) They consist of at least 100 layers; and 2) It takes about two weeks to make one. Who’da thunk it?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atomic_Fireball#Atomic_Fireballs
Can we get another forum Jeff? I barely remember the old one but i seem to recall noone really posted in it.Can we try it again i bet it would be great this time considering how many readers/commentors you have now. Hook us up Jeff!
Fuck another forum…get a goddamn edit buttom!
He just banished the ruskies, open a forum and all hell will break loose unless he goes for one of those freebie forum hosts that keep things going behind the scenes taking care of the hackers & spammers.
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Cinamon Hearts is the closest to the atomic fireball we got up here AFAIK, I’ll have to remember to look for the atomic fireball next time I’m in The States.
I think that house in the bumker cam pic has explosive diarrhea.
I’m sure I wouldn’t like cotton candy or candy apples. Pain in the ass back then and too sweet…even back then. Sorry to hear about Fizzies. Haven’t had Boston Baked Beans for years or a Zagnut. My two faves along with Bonimo Turkish Taffy.Gotta get some. I remember being a Reese Cup fan. Tried on a few years back…too sweet. One Atomic Fire Ball in my mouth, in my life…for about 30 seconds. Not a fan of Tamales or Red Hots either. I never cared for dark chocolate but now…Dove has a great bite sized thing and Hershey’s Special Dark are my faves after my days meal.
I haven’t had a Fireball but I have always loved a hot chilli meal of one sort or another. I still don’t know why I like sitting in a pool of sweat and have my nose running so heavily that it’s almost like an extra sauce for the plutonium I keep shoveling into my mouth but i suspect that each time I have it a little more of my brain melts away.
Someone once gave me one of those super sourballs under the guise of it being a normal gumball. But the joke was on them because I happen to like sour stuff. So I just chewed and chewed and chewed and smiled a big ol’ sour shit eating grin. Spoiled their fun pretty nicely.
Speaking of atomic fireballs, the most, er, prodigious member of the community college’s woman’s basketball team nearly went all Ogre on my nerd self yesterday. I innocently went into the locker room to change for a workout and, through a series of Seinfeld-esque misunderstandings, she came to believe that my 5’3″ middle aged self was the newest member of the team. Which apparently would have earned me a beatdown had it been true. Hazing? I dunno, I’m not familiar with jock culture.
Anyway, once disabused of the notion that she had Dud Webb on her hands, she turned to her teammates and informed them all in an impossibly low voice that she had forgotten her underwear and would have to go “commando”. And then there was much giggling and tossing of panties and jiggling nekkid boo-……well, you get the idea.
Pictures. We need pictures!
Sorry. On account of that middle age-dom I keep forgetting that my phone has a camera in it.
Is Newt his real name really? Is that short for Newton or was he named after a type of lizard? What about Mitt? Is it a baseball word or something? I know Barak is a strange name, but he wasn’t actually born in the U.S. apparently; so that explains that.
I have an extremely small penis, and I am voting for Loverboy for prezident. Or maybe Pedro.
I don’t like Atomic Fireballs. I am a big pussy, just like you. But I’ll have one once or twice a year. I think they’ve gotten much hotter in the last year or two.
I love Atomic Fire Balls. I always have them on hand.
In fact it’s not uncommon for me to wash them down with coffee…or a shot of bourbon, or vodka, depending on the time of day.
Buzz Buttered Steaks. I used to love those as a kid. Years ago, I threw one in a skillet and tossed it in the included butter patty. Shit was nasty.
I can’t eat anything cinnamon-y and/or hot like those Atomic Fire Balls, Red Hots, or even chew cinnamon gum. It makes my tongue feel like sandpaper and affects my taste for days. I once bought cinnamon flavored toothpaste by mistake. Had to use it as it was the only toofpaste in the house. It fucked my mouth up for days from using it just once. Weird.
Rolling Rock Beer. Drank it in my younger days. Now it taste’s like pond water.
King Dongs. God they were my favorites. Such a treat when my mom would bring them home from the grocery shopping excursions of Saturday mornings. Now the chocolate tastes like the wrapper it’s packaged in. And the cream filling is so slimy it coats the roof of my mouth like grease.
Too much Hot Damn! or Goldschlager in your younger days chick?
It’s actually biological – a sensitivity or possibly an allergy to cinnamon (the brown powder we get at the grocery store is usually cassia, not true cinnamon, that’s why it wouldn’t bother you). I used to be fine with red hots, cinnamon gum and stuff, but now I’m allergic and I get bad sores in my mouth if I eat it.
Didn’t they change the location of the Rolling Rock brewery, and they use different water now? I was never a fan, so I don’t know the difference.
Yes, Anheuser-Busch bought Rolling Rock and ruined it.
LOL, I think they were King Don’s but I get what you are saying.
Bikerchick has spoken frequently of her fondness for King Dongs.
Ok…Ok…. One man’s (women’s) Don is another man’s (women’s) Dong.
Nestles Crunch bars taste “off” to me lately. Cheap chocolate or something. I’ve lost my taste for a lot of sweets. Recently had some Starburst and wanted to brush my choppers right at my desk.
Madz, I agree completely. It’s like waxy chocolate or something. Same with the “chocolae flavored” coating on donuts gems these days.
the chocolate in many American chocolate bars is not what it used to be. The industry got a dispensation from the FDA a little while back that allows them to put in less of the real stuff and more of the flavored stuff from a factory in New Jersey or someplace like that.
Hershey bars are now made in Mexico. Can we not even make chocolate in this fucked up country?
I picked up a load out of Laredo. I took a load down (of whait i don’t remember). You drop it at a “Forwarding Yard” on the U.S side and a Mexico truck takes into Mexico. You pick up a loaded trailer (that one was 43,800 lbs.) on the U.S side from Mexico and take it to wherever. That one I took to Ogden, UT…to Hershey’s.
Really? Mexico? Then what’s all that shit about the theme park?
It COULD make sense – one does get teh hershey squirts after drinking the water in Mexico… hmmm. there’s something to chew on.
Not Hershey squirts – that would be hard to “chew” per se, I’m talking about the theory.
OK, I’ll shut up now… I feel like I’m babling.
I also picked up a trailer load at Hershey in Hershey, PA. I was inside the walls of the chocolate kingdom of the world. Fuck…it was cool. I took that load out to Ogden too..
Awwww crap…I just realized I’m a fucking truck driver!
At least you are workin’, my brutha.
Fruit Stripe Gum. Had the zebra on the front and the myriad of different delicious fruit flavors in every pack. I loved that stuff when I was a kid. I ran across it a few years ago (I’m 35 now) and bought a pack for old times sake. It was sickeningly sweet and the flavor lasted about 5 chews before it was completely gone. I mean completely! No flavor at all! WTH?? Where did it go? How could it possibly disappear that fast? No wonder my brother and I could chew an entire pack of 20 pieces in about 2 hours. Wotta rip off. I want my Extra back please.
YEAH – exactly. I tried a piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum and damn near wept. First off, the thing almost snapped my goddamn teeth off it was so hard, then after about 18 seconds it was like chomping on a rubber eraser. I think Mort should start class action lawsuit.
madz: That reminds me…when I was a kid, my sister used to LOVE Bazooka Bubble Gum. Now that’s back in the day you could actually chew the shit without having to file your teeth into points before hand.
We’re in the living room watching TV. She shoves 4 or 5 pieces of gum in her mouth all at once. Leaning her elbows on her knees, she blows the biggest bubble I ever saw. The thing graze’s the carpet and fucking pops. It was like it was in slow motion. The popped bubble enveloped her whole fucking face and half her head. Even her eyelashed had pink gum in them. Not only did mom have to cut the gum out of her hair, she also got her ass beat. I remember it like it was yesterday.
The Oatmeal touched on this subject…
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/juicy_fruit
This one is fucking hilarious too:
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cracker_jack
Holy crap, check it out. My stuff was featured in something.
http://www.effectsbay.com/2012/01/pedal-line-friday-127-a-bovara/
Very cool! And congratulations.
good on ya!
Fucking strawberry milk qualifies for me. Pop tarts are total shit too. I’ve even been sucked in by braunschweiger a few times. I think, “That looks good. I bet it’s good.” But it isn’t good. It’s revolting.
I have a feeling that those hotdogs that come stuffed with bits of cheese aren’t as good as I remember them being.
Gotta go. My neighbors are about to listen to some kick ass music, whether they like it or not…..”In the jungle, the mighty jungle, The lion sleeps tonight………….”
Braunschweiger with lots of mustard and Limberger cheese and onoins is the only way to go. You’ll fart like crazy but hey….worth the ticket..
…and fuck you for a new earworm…no…really…thanks!…(fuck you)
Well hell, *anything* is good if you pile it with mustard and Limburger and onions. Especially if you use enough that you can’t taste the liverwurst.
Welcome to this earworm. Somebody was playing it at work on Tuesday, and it’s still in my head.
.
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh.………….
I bet I’ve been fucking up the Braunschweiger by dipping it in Ranch Dressing.
Seems like it wasn’t too long ago that all of that disgustingly sour candy came out. I bet the boys eating that nasty shit will be shaking their heads in the retro candy store 20 years from now.
And if I may perpetuate the earworm a little longer – with mutations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OKac0K91p4
You’re welcome. Note especially the rare appearance by the elusive bass saxophone; being a shy creature, it is not often seen.
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mmmmmmmm..gooseliver.w/mister mustard.
Mister Mustard! Wow, I’d forgotten it existed. Speaking of childhood flavors… I haven’t had MM in many years – need to try it again.
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I like the cinnamon “hot” candy. It felt like a huge ripoff as a kid, when I’d get a so-called red hot, to find that only the outer layer, molecule-thick, was flavored, and the whole interior was a ball of generic sugar. The good kind have alternating layers of hot and sugar. I still like them if they’re the good kind.
Ahem.
Childhood favorites that suck today? Kraft mac and cheese, or any knockoff brand. Homemade is one million times better.
I only discovered the cheese stuffed hot dogs as an adult, and they are awesome junk food as far as I’m concerned.
Braunschweiger is another name for liverwurst, of which my dad used to eat sandwiches when I was a kid. Always thought it was disgusting. Curiously, I love me some foie gras.
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I was reading the comments and turned the tv on to catch the local news this morning. The wife was watching AMC last night when she turned of the tv and that is what channel came up.
The Three Stooges came on. I haven’t tried The Stooges in a while and I’m happy to say they are as funny as ever. Fucking Curly was the greatest. It wasn’t even 6am and I was laughing out loud. Great way to start the day.
Now as I type this, The Rifleman came on. It had to have one of the shortest intros in televison history. 20 seconds long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IVCwYPjFXc
The Rifleman, yeah I remember Chuck Connors (former LA Dodger). It was like Bonanza only with some sort of take on pedo something or other. Everything got settled with gunplay and the son ended up looking every bit the future father of three.
I think we should be able to vote on the WVSR on whether Political discussion is permitted.
Anyone want to start an online petition with me? or Maybe create a PAC named ‘LET THEM VOTE NOW’.
I say fuck political discussions at thewvsr. I come here to laugh and masturbate – what?
Looking for a safe stance on queers in the military? Me neither.
Uhhhhhh?…No. I don’t want to type something that ends up saying…”I have BB bals.”
I know a guy who played sax forThe Atomic Fireballs..
I’m totally cool with keeping this a politics free zone, but I am in favor of adding secret rules to switch phrases out of the comment section.
They don’t have to be realted to politics at all. It would be more like guessing the secret word and having your comment edited. For example, “my boss” would turn into “my clubfooted assmonkey”.
That would just be funny.
Jeff…
As long as you have that substitution code available, could you substitute for “lol”, “I like to buff my weiner”?
Thanks for your attention to this matter.
jtb
LOL!, LOL!, LOL!
If anyone cares Travis Walton will be on Coast to Coast AM on Sunday night. Google his name or the movie Fire in the Sky. Very interesting guy.
I put my tiny penis in the buttholes.
So you’re saying you think Gingrich is going to win?
I think this song can cure earworms.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gALi97_vqkU
…and when Ross Perot would say…”Here’s the deal”….the closed caption came out…”Gofuckyourself”…
No really…thanks everyone for the earworms. I’m flying out tomorrow morning to be given the keys to a company truck. I hope the TSA doesn’t notice all the earworms durning my full body scan. Yeah…me! Turned loose on the highways. I think I’ll use “The Great Red Shark” for my CB handle. and….AND…my truck is….wait for it…..RED!!!
This is gonna be fun. I can smell the ether now.
Not “the Red Rocket”?
.
The good Doctor would not approve of anything less.
“We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all this for the trip, but once you get locked in a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. “
WB…
That song could cure everything from euphoria to St. Vitus’s dance. Thanks for the link.
jtb
“I need a new scalpel! This one’s got no edge to it.”
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…and before I go…here’s your box scores damnit:
Prince Fielder….214 million
Detroit…………… 0.