I think I’ve come down with typhoid, or possibly a very bad cold. One or the other. It feels like some jokester came in here while I was sleeping, and filled both of my lungs with twenty pounds of biscuit dough. It’s no good, and I’m thinking about taking a sick day from work.
But, of course, I won’t. I was raised by a man who would very likely show up at his job even if he had a headhunter spear driven through his upper torso. My Dad never called off; if he was expected to be there, he was there. I’m not as hardcore about it as he was, but my father’s work ethic will haunt me to my beer and hamburger-triggered grave.
Last night we were short-handed at work (some people were apparently raised by people quite unlike my parents), so I had to lend a hand with some of the actual labor. Meaning: I had to separate my hams from the desk chair. And at one point I got light-headed and clammy, and felt like I was about to pass out.
And I can just hear it now: “Jeff’s not used to getting his precious hands dirty, and blacked-out last night while picking an order. The poor little delicate sissy-boy California pussy…” People always fixate on California for some reason, even though I lived there for roughly 6% of my life.
And anyway, I’d like to see them run up and down ladders and lug heavy boxes around, with forty pounds of dough in their chest cavities. But, of course, that’ll never happen, will it? They’ll just call-off sick when they get sick.
The smart-asses.
I’d like to have a repeat of Christmas Day today. It was fantastic. The Secrets woke us up early: before 6 am, if you can believe it. And after the presents were opened, and we had breakfast, I lounged around on couches for the rest of the day.
Contrary to popular belief, I rarely lounge around on couches. But on Christmas I drifted in and out of consciousness for many hours, and read about a hundred pages of Youth in Revolt, an absurd and hilarious book.
And man, it was great. I didn’t think of work, or worry about anything for an entire day. And at the end of it I felt refreshed, optimistic, and completely clearheaded. It was amazing, and I recommend it.
It’s better living through laziness! And I’m looking forward to implementing this technique again, real soon. Who knew? It’s freaking fantastic!
My 80 gig “Big iPod” is now two-thirds full, and I’m fast approaching a point where I’m going to have to start thinking about deleting some stuff.
First to go: The Doors. God, how I hate them. I used to be a fan, for some reason, but cannot stomach one minute of that crap now.
Jim Morrison sucked. I now realize it. His voice was annoying, he wrote bad poetry, and fancied himself the tortured artist. He was probably murdered in Paris, by some Frenchie who couldn’t endure even one more minute of his affected ass. Yes, that’s my theory: not even the French could handle his pretentious ways.
So, I’ll be removing the Doors real soon, to make room for more Hall & Oates. Now that’s music! Patterson Hood knows it, and so do I.
I’ll leave you with a Question that’s been moldering in my notebook for a long time, and I worry it might be a little… crass. But, dammit, I’m going to unleash it today, and see what happens.
I’d like to know if you’ve ever seen another couple having sex, in person. And if so, under what circumstances?
I don’t believe I have, but I’m not exactly Warren Beatty here. When it comes to these kinds of things, I have a feeling I’m a tad sheltered.
I was in the same room while a couple from my high school were going at it, back during a previous lifetime, but couldn’t see them (thank God). They were in the bottom of a bunk bed with a blanket hanging down, so I could only hear the grunting and slapping — and that was disturbing enough. Shit! I just had a full-body shiver…
So, that’s your Question. Use the comments link to tell us all about it. And I apologize in advance.
I’m going to get ready for work now.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Now playing in the bunker
Evil Twin shirts only $12, thru Thursday!
I should get honarary 1st since a comment I posted was referenced in an update.
Jeff, I gotta say, my faith in you dropped slightly today when I read your review of the Doors. Jim Morrison rocked. Whats next, a five page review of why you don’t like The Grateful Dead? I pray for the sake of our relationship it isn’t so. And as to the question, I’ve never witnessed anyone having sex, but twice friends of mine have. We won’t go into why.
My parents used to send my younger brother up to check on my and my first girl I banged.
The second girl I banged, the first time we banged, was on a bale of hay in a barn with a horse watching and her brother who was 3 years older than her showed up.
The 3rd girl I banged and I ended up banging on the same bed (ours) as my best friend at the time and his wife a few times. There was a bit of swapping going on too, girl/girl/ girl/guy, no guy/guy.
The 6th girl I banged was in the same house I shared with the 3rd girl I banged and the whole time we were banging the ex was blaring Hayden while me and sporty spice were doing it.
7th girl in a parking garage at the atlanta airport, but nobody saw, I think.
10th girl I banged before we were banging got to spend the night in a cold studio apartment with my best friend and his bitch girlfriend while they banged.
That’s about the last one I remember. I’ve been drunk since (1999).
A former friend and I hooked up with two guys (well, we each took one) & had awkward sex in the office of a Radio Shack (ahhh, the jokes that can be made) with only a pile of boxes seperating us. So, I heard her trying to straddle the guy on a squeaky chair while she heard me trying to not get rug burns on the terrible carpet. Needless to say I made my guy stop because he just sucked & I waited in the corner till she finished so we could leave. Looking back I am quite mortified at the whole experience. Man, how I’d love to erase my entire high school/first college years.
Je-sus, t-storm, I think I need Cliff Notes for that version of events. That’s a lot of number (but I bet I got ya beat there!) & lots of beds and hay bales. Good times!
Is that why they call it The Shack?
Beat me in number of partners, or experiences with other dirtiness in the room?
I think I might have hit my last number though. Weird stapler accident, story for another time.
I’m right there with ya Jeff on The Doors. I would rather listen to Gilbert Godfreid read War and Peace. And I like Hall and Oates…so sue me.
Hot Fuzz – I love that movie! I love Simon Pegg.
Jeff – Sorry to hear about the biscuit lungs. Do you think your illness was caused by a draft from the ass blow out in your pants?
TILLY – I thought you would go with the story from when we were in high school, and a girl in our circle of friends offered to help you win the affections of a boy you liked. After the three of you hung out all night, everyone ended up crashing in your bed, and you woke up a couple of hours later to the two of them doing it. I would sarcastically say that the girl was a really good friend, but instead I will say that she was a wretched bitch. I still don’t like her.
Why, Hello Surf Reporters…….
I was going to make up some long ago teen lesbian sleep over Penthouse Forum fantasy..
I saw my parents fucking the night before Mom went into the hospital to undergo the full blown , rip it all out hysterectomy…
*I’m typing this*
Dad was wheelin’ & dealin’…
the lights were on….
somebody hold me
Had same, darkened banquet room sex wit a girl while a lead singer of the local band was having sex with my ex-girlfriend on the floor 50 carpeted feet away. My brother later got engaged to the girl I was having sex with…but he didn’t know I’d been there until he announced his engagement to her, and smuggly told me, “Hmmmppphhhh, YOU could NEVER get a girl as hot as ********!” I told him, “Been there, done it.” And after I described several unique, hidden features of her body, his relationship with her suddenly soured.
@dorothy…seriously, are you 75????? I hang out with a lot of older people, including a cool old 93yo guy in WV who actually fired Dean Martin from a construction job in Steubenville…back when steam shovels were still powered by steam. But to be 75 and still love and appreciate the WVSR, man, that gives me something to live for! Dorothy, I hope you’re still around and still commenting when I’m 75!
@30 miles south…It’s “masturbate,” NOT “masterbate.” Sheesh, in my 53 years, believe me, I’ve done it enough to know how to spell it correctly. 🙂
WTB- i totally forgot about that. OMG you remember everything and I am pretty sure you drank as much as i did back then. I applaud your ability to remember the 80’s. its all a blur.
Yes she was a wretched BITCH!!! GAWD! I do wonder what became of her. Whore.
t-storm: Holy shit in a bucket, man! Is that the romantic side of you talking??
dorothy: My mother had a great sense of humor too! She would have loved the WVSR. A family of misfits I also found by the Alli in layman’s terms. You have to have thick skin to loiter around this crowd….and I wouldn’t miss a minute of it. It is my daily sanity break when I need to laugh.
JCII – full body shiver, man.
Heyyy Jeff – How are your doughy lungs today?
Geez, I read this and thought I finally had something shocking enough to say…. sneaking up on the minister knocking off a piece in a pew… just pales to these stories.
**Sneaking because we thought we were catching a burgler.
I’m with ETW–the Fifth must be taken. Too many stories to share, and they’re best left unshared.
I’ll just add that since I’ve spent 52 of my 56 years out here on the Left Coast, I’ll take responsibility for the derisive reference to California living that Jeff has to endure–I’ve engaged in most of the activities to which such a reference alludes. The last such activities occurred on my 40th birthday, though, so I guess I’ve been “clean” (but definitely not “clean and sober”) since then.
Good times, though. Indeed.
@eloh- What???????
Seriously, the bogus organization I work for (state mandated- you can’t use water, even though there is 50 gazillion gallons due west from here) is about to block me from our “wasting time at work” fun. Anyone figure out a backdoor way to get to this site yet due to a similar situation?
On IPOD right now- “Whole Lotta Rosie”- ACDC
bikerchick – i’m a charmer.
@AWG –
Try using public DNS servers, instead of the ones assigned by the office. Not always, but sometimes, this will bypass the internal blocking. E-mail me for directions. jeff at 850koa dot com
Chances are CitizenX will have a better suggestion….
Thanks Jeff, I will do that from home, when it happens, as we are blocked from personal email usage from work as it is.
On IPOD right now- “Angry Chair”- Alice In Chains
In fact, it just took me seven minutes to send that message. They’re watching…. they’re aaaalllways watching.
AWG: A couple of ideas:
1. Check to see if your office blocks the following site: http://anonymouse.org. If it does not, you can access any other site from that site. (But you have to put up with a lot of annoying pop-up ads.)
2. Install “LogMeIn” software on your home computer (www.logmein.com). (The basic version is free.) You can then log onto you home computer from your office computer, and surf the web via your home computer. (This is assuming your office isn’t also blocking http://www.logmein.com.)
AWG- i found that if you flirt with the IT guy and ask real nice he will unblock the WVSR and life will be good.
Thanks, Swami, I’ll try it, as well.
TILLY, the IT guy is not my type, but thank you anyway.
On IPOD right now- “Women and Children First”- VH
AWG- My IT guy is not my type either but that is not the point. LOL
t-storm: Are you startin’ yer New Year off with a BANG??
bikerchick – i am. at the rennasaince hotel in cleveland.
Tilly’s absolutely right – regardless of the fact I’m happily married, a little flirting will get you far. Unless you’re Matt, the SA. Then, it’ll just get you ignored.
I miss one day of posts because my crazy internet is down at home and I miss THIS question of the day?!?! This the one question on which I’m an authority!
So, in answer to your question (or was it questions?)..
Have I been watched or watched while other people got it on? Indeed I have, on both counts.. and I have the pictures to prove it!
alright deb, get on it.
@ Alice & Hot Fuzz.
That’s How I found the WVSR (Alli) and went on the read all of the other Best of stuff. Some of it I guess you’d of had to been there but over all I’ve turned on a few – only cool people who would appreaciate it – to the report.
I got to the WVSR through the Alli spot too!
As for catching people in the act, one time when I was a kid I went biking around the local YMCA parking lot and stumbled upon two people going at it all all hot and heavy in a car. My 8 year old mind was of course quite confused, but I went on my merry way and left them alone. I don’t think they ever noticed me. I also walked in on my parents once, but thankfully they were mostly under the sheets. But gawd, what a horrible image to have singed in your memory!