A few days ago I pulled into a parking space at work, opened my door, and a powerful wind gust RIPPED the thing from my hand. It was like a hang-glider or a kite, and would’ve gone sailing over the Endless Mountains if one side of the door hadn’t been attached to the car.
And it crashed into the side mirror of the hunk o’ junk parked next to me…
Now I’ve got a large C-shaped dent near the handle on the driver’s door. And that irritates me beyond belief. ‘Cause I’m the type who parks way out in left field at Target and Sam’s, so idiots won’t ding me. Toney gets irritated, but I’m usually one of the few people driving a dingless car.
Yes, you’ve got to protect yourself against selfish shitpouches who leave their shopping carts wherever they become of no further use (“OK, I’m finished with it. Somebody else can deal with it now!”). And the hogs who pull into a parking spot, swivel on their gargantuan hams, and kick their car doors open.
Oh, it takes effort to avoid door-dents and the like, and requires us to walk in from across the Maryland state line in some cases. But it’s very important to me. And now my pristine black Camry has a four-inch tall C in the door…
And I don’t even have anyone to blame for it, which makes it even worse. It helps when you can fixate on blame, and revenge fantasies. But I got nothing.
The other car? You say I did to it, exactly what I’m complaining about? Not quite. That thing looked like it had been rolled, and was being held together by coat hangers. When my door hit it, I believe some of the existing dents popped-out, and I also improved the front-end alignment. The way I look at it, the guy owes me a ‘thank you.’ The selfish prick.
Yeah, the whole thing was quite unsatisfactory.
Wonder who was the first person to press fork impressions into the top of a peanut butter cookie? As I was shoving one into my mouth a couple of nights ago, with the heel of my hand, it occurred to me that the person has created one hell of a legacy for himself.
I mean, it’s standard now, almost required, that peanut butter cookies get a fork pressed into the top (sometimes going both ways). Right? And whoever came up with that idea has probably contributed more to our culture than some U.S. presidents.
Pass the milk. Or as one of my old Atlanta co-workers used to say, melk.
I have loads of new Smoking Fish pics to post, and will try to get to them up this weekend. Check this spot for your fresh sightings. Thanks to everyone who sent them in, and keep ’em coming!
Also, please continue checking Mockable. Today’s post, about Hooters waitresses, killed me. I didn’t write it, but wish I had. Funny stuff.
A couple nights ago, at work, I couldn’t stomach the thought of yet another turkey and cheese sandwich for lunch, so I drove to a nearby McDonald’s.
The place is inside Wilkes-Barre, I think, in a neighborhood that’s a bit rough around the edges. I’m always mildly concerned I’ll be an innocent bystander to a “domestic dispute” there, and get stabbed in the liver.
Thankfully, that hasn’t happened yet. But while I was standing off to the side, waiting for my Filet O Fish value meal ($3.99!), several filthy dudes with unkempt facial hair and hoodies sauntered in and ordered the exact same thing: a load of McChicken sandwiches off the dollar menu.
The first guy, who looked like he’d spent the day inside a septic tank, ordered four McChickens to go. And the second one, who might’ve been a street sweeper repairman, ordered three McChickens with Mac sauce instead of mayo.
Weird, I thought. So many of that particular sandwich, with no drinks or fries, or anything. And then I remembered when I was their age, and how poor I was. I also bought cheap-ass fast food in bulk, and scarfed it down at home with a glass of water or a slug off a 2-liter of Faygo, from the stank fridge.
In Greensboro I would purchase outsize sacks of 59 cent tacos from Del Taco, and terrible 89 cent frozen pizzas from Kroger. Remember those pizzas? They were basically a large round cracker with some cheese and tomato sauce on top. They were horrible, but filled the void.
I also remember being so penniless I couldn’t even afford the high-luxuries mentioned above. So, I’d go through my cabinets and try to be semi-creative. Several times I had a plate of spaghetti, with a pork ‘n’ beans “marinara.” Oh, it was a sad state of affairs.
I assume most of us have gone through periods when it was difficult to bridge the massive gaps between paydays. And I’d like to know about the crap food you ate during that era. How did you stretch your money, so you could still do the important things — like buy beer?
Tell us about it in the comments section, won’t you?
Also, if we were to open a store at this site, where readers could purchase Surf Report-related items, what would you like to see offered? Stickers? Magnets? A Smoking Fish Edition Land Rover? Help me out with that, if you wouldn’t mind. I’m toying with another idea that will probably never come to fruition. You know, just like every day…
And I’m going to try to make up for yesterday, by posting a quick update over the weekend. But there’s a high probability it won’t happen — I mean, seriously. So, I’ll see ya next time, Monday at the latest.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
As for the store, I’d go for a coffee mug with the old logo. It’s not that I don’t like the new one, but the old one looks more stripped down, cleaner, and less cartoonish, which is more suitable for a mug.
Work made me get rid of the “I wish I were Dead” mug I got from The Onion. It’s all part of their plan to pump sunshine up my ass and cure me of my growing misanthropy. While they won’t understand the WSVR mug, it won’t attract the Happiness Police to my office. Again.
Bill in WV says
I’m “up” for some WVSR logo’d and multi-colored condoms.
Taiwan On says
I forgot my refrigerator magnet rant. I love the little buggers. But I bought a house in the USA a few years back (I have the ‘rents holed up there) and it came with one of those “ain’t I so cool” brushed stainless steel refrigerators. Yeah, I’m cool. Except my fridge magnets WON’T STICK. WTF? Luckily, the fridge here in the Taiwan company apartment is the old-fashun kind. So my mags have a home.
Ramen, mac n’ cheese. My husband subsisted entirely on lentils for a long while. It’s amazing I got past the assplosions.
Willie Williams says
I use to buy industrial sized bags of rice and cook it in my coffee maker because my hot plate had crapped out. Once in a while I would buy a can of spam and cut it up to add to the rice. Once can would last 4 days and the spam jelly would be used on the 5th. It melted down to make a nice gravy for the rice.
Kroger still sells those pizzas. They are microwavable now and cost 99 cents. I eat them at work all the time.
Coffee mugs please. Big honking coffee mugs please.
Son of Sam says
I’d like to be able to buy a long sleeve t-shirt.
You know one that actually makes it to my house.
Not some fantasy t-shirt like I have now.
Anything for sale should definately be offered with the old logo. I’d be in for a t-shirt if one came witha pocket, but no pocket no deal. And another hat, maybe in a different color. The new logo is flashy and all, but too busy, and a little too cartoonish for my taste. And cheap food? I was the king of cheap food. Hit the produce dept. trash cans behind the stores (where they put out wilted and withering crap for the local pig farmers) and I could make a killer potato ( or squash, or ?) soup, sometimes throw in a small animal caught in the wild (or “borrowed” from a neighbor). Dry beans and fried potatos. 10 lbs of .29 a lb chicken parts baked till the bones fell out, then boil rice in the fat, eat like royalty for a couple weeks off that. Yeah, I been poor.
Alice in WV says
I’d like a smoking fish for my car and a travel mug pluheeze. and a gross of the temp tattoo. yeah, I’m a chickenshit. what of it?
and I kinda dig that old line art logo. It’s nice to have choices since you might have a store n everything. short sleeves, long sleeves. pockets, no pockets. panties, boxers, briefs!
Shiny Rod says
When I was just starting out on my own, I had the best job you could have when your broke and didn’t know where your next meal would come from. I worked part time in a cafeteria at the local chemical plant. Anything left over from lunch, I was allowed to bag it up and take it home for dinner. The best meals where when Monte Christo or Hot Brown sandwiches were on the menu. They usually sold out but sometime we would have one or two leftover. I survived many a lean time and ate like a king. I always kept Vienna Sausage or sardines and crackers in the cabinet for those emergencies when I couldn’t afford a bag of White Castle hamburgers.
Shiny Rod says
I would love a Surf Report classic logo coffee mug. Seems I’m drinking more coffee now than when I was younger. Make it happen Jeff…
Shiny Rod says
@tadpolegal – I don’t think I would want any fish referenced to any clothing placed on that part of the anatomy.
When I had my first place (a room in a boarding house with a shared bath) I used to divide up Kraft Dinner (aka Macaroni & Cheese) into 4 sections and make one section for a meal. Everybody knows KD tastes horrible re-heated so this way I’d get fresh portions every time. I think a package cost about 25 cents back then so that’s just over 6 cents each not counting the miniscule milk and butter.
When I had my first place (a room in a boarding house with a shared bath) I used to divide up Kraft Dinner (aka Macaroni & Cheese) into 4 sections and make one section for a meal. Everybody knows KD tastes horrible re-heated so this way I’d get fresh portions every time. I think a package cost about 25 cents back then so that’s just over 6 cents each not counting the miniscule milk and butter. I worked at a university so I could also get a meat pie and french fry dinner for 75 cents on day when I wanted to splurge.
Beer in quarts.
Fried potatoes and tuna fish sandwiches got me through first 2 years of grad school. I don’t remember drinking anything other than beer. Frig was always empty.
I still love me some fried potatoes in worchestershire sauce and “Super Tuna” that’s with banana peppers and vinegar, relish and mustard and mayo.
“Super Tuna” is actually the first food item I taught my son to make. He also makes a mean limeade. Lime juice from our tree and grenadine. With Ramen, I know he’ll be just fine in college. Now, we’ve got to work out the bit about laundry.
All manner of ramen creations: ramen with fried egg, pan fried ramen, ramen and tuna casserole, ramen and balsamic vinegar, ramen and bacon, ramen with melted cheese, etc. Totally gross.
2 pgk raman
1 can Campbells chicken noodle soup
1/3 sleeve saltines
Boil noodles to desired tenderness, drain, add Campbells, (has to be campbells, correct ratio of fat to salt) Crunch up crackers in bowl over noodles and soup, add black pepper to taste.
I still eat this on a fairly regular basis. Would shop Aldi’s for those ingredients along with macaroni, tomato juice, and the cheap off brand cans of ravioli for a treat. Could get 2 weeks of groceries for under 20 bucks back then. Not now of course.
Would love to have a smoking fish car magnet like those ribbon ones except the fish instead of a ribbon. Or an outline of a fish with a cig like those christian fish for cars. Also static window decals was a good idea from before. Do whatever you want. 🙂
What? No surf report boxer shors? What kind of store is this, anyway?
I could use a few new pairs of fishnet speedos. Maybe put the logo on the ball cup and the web address across the ass.
@ Shiny Rod-
But it’s a “smokin” fish!
I’m voting mugs, shot glasses, and possibly stickers. I collect shot glasses and I’m one of those people that has a cabinet full of very different kinds of mugs and gets mad when she goes to buy new dish sets and the only ones have mugs included in them. I don’t want their steenking boring mugs!
Smoking Fish Vessels for the Golden Elixir. please
Coffee mugs would be great. Quick market research shows WVSR stickers and mugs seem to rule the comments.
I vote for an oval shaped WVSR sticker like the ones those pretentious assholes put on their car so the can show you what trendy beach they went to last year.
if you’re ever starving and get it in your head that thin spaghetti broken into little pieces with a 1/4 block of sharp cheddar cheese melted into it is even remotely similar to delicious macaroni and cheese, you will be sorely mistaken.
similarly, if you want to make some kind of tuna casserole, but have no egg noodles, DO NOT substitute the noodles with brown rice. It does not taste the same. It’s not really even palatable. trust me.
Also, sugar cookies made with corn starch in place of flour, if you don’t have the funds to buy flour but have all the other ingredients, is not a good idea either.
Also, you can’t make butter cookies by simply slicing off squares of butter and coating them in powdered sugar.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
……and we was so poor back then, we ate nothing but air and sat on invisible chairs…….
(excerpt from autobiographical sketch)
Shiny Rod says
Some of my stoner friends would always fix up some tuna helper after a weed binge. You be surprised what taste good when your stoned and got the munchies and no money.
Its been 20 years since I graduated college this May, and I still cannot stand even the smell of Ramen Noodles. I lived on the damn things in college, and the kind of sick creative I got with them still makes my gut hurt to think about. I don’t think I could gag them down now, even with a gun to my head. Bleh.
Taiwan On says
You are one weird son of a bitch. In a good way. “fishnet speedos”? That’s an entire blog site.
Thank you! Yes, I’m absurdly weird. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Mr. Wizard says that the shiny stainless steel was pre-treated to remove most of the magnetism. The old fashioned stuff is rolled cast iron or the like, and very magnetic. These days because kids and ‘rents spend so much time in the kitchen, the old stuff is essential. Both of my sons spent hours in front of the fridge playing with magnets. They would love a smoking fish also…
Ben K says
A couple years ago, after my initial bankroll for moving to the Philippines ran out and before my current self-employment resembled anything profitable, my wife and I ate nothing but rice and Chunkee corn beef for a long while. Actually it was 48 straight days. The smell of that stuff is enough to make me gag even now.
I am too lazy to read all the comments, so if someone hasn’t already suggested it, I would be in favor of the store selling wall mounted singing smoking fish (like those found in redneck bathrooms in WV) Maybe it could be programmed to sing nossy’s favorites!
A plain black t-shirt with the old fish logo please!!!!!!!!!! The car stickers and shot glasses are a great idea too. If you do ever get the store up and running; I will be eating Ramen again due to my smoking fish spending habits….seriously. Yeap, that’s right, I’ll be a smoking fish label whore.
How about one of those fish for the back of the car but with wsvr in the body instead of Jesus. Then Jeff can start a church with surf reporters as the congregregation & have a reality show called “living the tax free life”
-- Steve says
Store, Gag Gift section: Black Plastic Glasses with Nostrils. Insulated coffee mugs, window stickers/decal for the car gets my vote. I won’t be ordering the speedo unless the smoke from the fish is centered exactly in the middle of my ass
Terrible Ivan says
Window stickers/decals for the vehicle, so surf reporters can recognize and honk at (or signal appropriately) each other in transit, Coffee mugs, ceramic and plastic insulated, so hung-over surf reporters can recognize themselves as alcoholic minions of Jeff when sobbering up, and hats & tee-shirts, for us jerk-offs who have managed to miss every opportunity to obtain one to date.
My favorite cheap food from back in the day was boiled potatoes with malt vinegar.
My husband listed some of his faves in a post above.
Once, while disparaging my husband’s bachelor chow in a conversation with his mother, I learned that the particular delicacy I was mocking was in fact a family “tradition.” Oops.
My choice for the wvsr store? Smoking fish wrapping paper.
Polly Onomous says
We did the same standard stuff y’all did…ramen, kraft mac & cheese, ‘s’ghetto s’getti, and hot dogs but the one genius move to feed ourselves…?
When we were in college all the restaurants and bars would court the college drinking crowd (as if they had to) by offering happy hour specials and food! $1 beers, $1 rail drinks and they would set out buffets of “munchie food” . Pizza, Wings, Nachos, Little taco and pizza rolls, fried cheese. I don’t really like beer so, I’d be the “designated driver” and get free sodas and sit there for 3 hours and graze the free food. It was dinner at least 4 nights a week.