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My Charley-Horse Saturday

March 31, 2009 By Jeff 115 Comments

cocktailpartyOn Saturday I was forced, I mean privileged to attend a banquet at a local country club. Once again I’m being purposely vague, for reasons I’m also being vague about. Let’s just say it has something to do with an organization Toney is involved with.

I knew about this shindig well in advance, and my stomach wringed itself out every time I thought about it. I hate getting dressed-up and pretending to be a sophisticate. I also don’t care for chit-chatting with strangers and near-strangers over tiny food; I was born without the gene required for such things.

But I got myself all trussed-up in dress clothes, and supported my wife. She puts up with much ridiculousness from me, God knows it’s true, and I want to be there for her. You know, in the abstract — when it’s way off in the future.

It makes my brain meltdown a little, but Toney will become the president of this organization when the current president’s reign ends in a few weeks. So, she knows everybody and was working the room. Immediately, I felt like Todd Palin, standing in the shadows with a charley-horse smile on my face.

While my wife amassed power (she’ll probably be mayor soon), I looked around for a familiar face, maybe someone I could suffer alongside. And I spotted a guy I’d spoken with at a recent beer-tasting event. He’d seemed OK, so I walked over to him.

And he was complaining because the cash bar wasn’t open yet. I hadn’t had time to notice, but now that he mentioned it, it bothered me as well. Then we did some bonding via tales of beer snobbery, and made an empty promise to get the wives together and all four of us attend this year’s beer festival at Split Rock resort.

Once that conversation ran its course, I surveyed the room and saw Toney shaking someone’s hand and laughing hysterically. Sweet Jesus. I walked over to a window, trying to act all casual and at-ease, and looked out across a lake for about ten minutes.

Then the bowtied bartender made it official by putting out the tip jar, and there was a stampede of uncomfortable and desperate men in dress clothes. While waiting my turn I looked around, and could recognize a look in most of the eyes surrounding me: please hand me a glass of alcohol, I will pay any price…

Yeah, that helped a little, but not enough. It turned out to be four hours of fake smiles, awkward chats, trough-style eating, and long speeches through an amplification device.

I can only imagine what the next two years are going to be like, as the “first man.” My sphincter is flickering, just thinking about it. I might have to contact Sunshine, to see if she can hook me up with some of her “antibiotics.”

I’m very upset, my friends. One of the five-year light bulbs in our kitchen burned-out on Sunday. There are three of them inside recessed lighting above the counters, and the #3 position shit the bed a mere sixteen months after being installed!

I’m thinking about hiring that lawyer on CNN who wears fringe cowboy jackets, and filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit.

I will not be jerked-around by Big Bulb! Especially the green division, for crying out loud!!

I’ll leave you now with something from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk. On Sunday’s show, Clive asked his listeners to call in and tell him what brands they’re loyal to. What companies, in your estimation, do a superior job, and cause you to make a special effort to seek out their products?

I know I’ll probably get criticized for this one, but I’m a big fan of Dell computers. Unless something goes terribly askew, I will be sticking with them, thank you very much.

When it comes to ketchup, it’s gotta be Heinz. I’ve been using Crest toothpaste all my life, and am a little frightened of other brands.  And I believe I’ve become a bit of a Toyota enthusiast…

What about you? What brands are you especially fond of?

I’ll have more of this stuff tomorrow.

See ya then.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Comments

  1. Limey says

    April 2, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    If Toyota shut up shop tomorrow the world wouldn’t buy any less cars, they’d just buy *other* cars. It’s not a Toyota or nothing proposition. If Toyota went away their steering wheel suppliers would just end up selling more steering wheels to the remaining auto manufacturers, whose market share would increase now that Toyota was out of the game.

    Let the useless companies die and the companies with better product will thrive.

    Reply
  2. Jason says

    April 2, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    Mother fucking unions! HAHAHAHA

    Reply
  3. Limey says

    April 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Yeah, it’s all the union’s fault that Big Three products usually handle like ziplock bags full of warm turds. If only the Big Three could replace their unionized workforce with $8/hr Mexicans their products would suddenly be awesome.

    Just look at how unionized German autoworkers are killing, just killing, BMW, Mercedes and Audi. The world shuns their crappy products and buys Cadillacs, Lincolns and Buicks instead.

    When the GM plants close I don’t dispute that the bar opposite and the local sandwich shop will also close, but the 5,000,000 number is just hysterical scaremongering.

    Reply
  4. The Qweezy Mark says

    April 2, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Screw the dentists and their asswipe assistants………and the clueless whores that had’em!

    Reply
  5. Knucklehead says

    April 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Jeff, where art thou?

    Reply
  6. Shiny Rod says

    April 2, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    I’m buying stock in Hamburger Helper…

    Reply
  7. Dogberryjr says

    April 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    See, leave us Surf Reporters update-less and it gets all angry mob around here.

    Maybe yesterday’s update is hanging out with my WVSR long sleeve shirt. They’re both missing and I’m the suspicious type.

    Reply
  8. tadpolegal says

    April 2, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve been doing some research here and have found that Jorge is responsible for the turn that the comments section has taken. Lets talk about the new tax on smokes instead!

    Reply
  9. slr says

    April 2, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Figures! One high class banquet and Jeff’s too good for us.

    Reply
  10. DropOfKim says

    April 2, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    I know where Jeff is…he discovered http://www.fmylife.com/ two days ago and has been sighted red-eyed in his bunker, chuckling and exclaiming ‘wottadouche’ every couple of minutes.

    Or at least that’s how I imagine it anyways.

    Reply
  11. Good2go says

    April 2, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    I was a loyal Toyota person, but I’m on my third now and have had problems with all three (RAV4 transmission, Tundra ball joints, and now Highlander steering yoke and wheel bearings/hubs). Next time it will probably be Honda, but if Ford keeps offering incentives I could be tempted to try them for the first time ever.

    Reply
  12. 30frames says

    April 4, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Coke…not Pepsi.

    I’m on my 3rd Alfa Romeo Spider.

    Sony for gaming and audio. Sharp for video.

    I’ve been really happy with my Dell products, as well.

    Ketel One.

    Lancome.

    Chevron Gasoline – for no good reason. The nearest station is out of my way but I still go there.

    Canon…not Nikon.

    Levi’s.

    Motorola Razr – until they stop making them. It’s just a phone, people. A very pretty, very simple phone.

    Reply
  13. Dogberryjr says

    April 5, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Everyone can relax now, my WVSR shirt arrived yesterday . . . along with our first 75 degree day.

    Reply
  14. UpNort says

    April 6, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Perlier Honey Cream Bath
    Le Couvent des Minimes Honey and Shea Butter Body Balm
    Pepsi, either regular or Pepsi One (Coke gives me major stomach pain)
    L’Oreal Voluminous Mascara
    Popcorn from a local farmer
    Puffs Tissues

    I could go on and on…

    Reply
  15. dan d says

    April 11, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    items on my shopping list heinz ketchup, for pickles i go for bell-vue better price and size of jar there jellys and jams are good too silver star hot dogs haines grey socks (miss the colored band rings on top, blue red white very 80s) best car i had was a 97 oldsmoble (replaced this spring with cadalac 05) renolds wrap aluminum foil coke dr pepper jones soda in glass bottle silfloss saur-kraut (bagged) b&l sour cream or turners dairy……marburgers dairy vit d milk and buttermilk…..florida grown produce peppers onions lettuce//// (frequent shopper of pittsburghs strip district)

    Reply
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