LOOK AT THAT! In case you can’t tell, it’s the upper right side of the left pocket. That’s where they always give way. Without exception. And why is that? Why there, specifically? I mean, I’ve been blaming the ass itself for this unstoppable destruction. And rightly so. I mean, there’s a substantial amount of volume back there, and standard commercial fabric can only be expected to withstand so much pressure. Indeed, the shredding never ends! As I mentioned in a recent episode of the podcast, I’m blowing up a pair of pants every other month at this point. Always at the upper right side of the left pocket. WTS??
Could it be my wallet? That’s a recent theory I’ve devised, which might just be a subconscious attempt to take a bit of heat off my large attack-ass. But I carry it in the left pocket, the one that always fails. Maybe it’s a contributing factor? Here it is. Is that too thick? It’s not at a Costanza-level yet, but moving in that direction.
Shit. Now that I look at it again, I see that my wallet is not very thick at all. What do you think? <sigh> Oh well. I’m still considering going back to carrying my money and the few cards I use in my left front pocket and seeing if the trouser-shredding slows down a bit. At this point, I’m about to start looking for a monthly enormous pants subscription service.
And just so you know, the catastrophic blowout illustrated above happened at work. I tell the whole story in the podcast, but I was returning from lunch and felt an Arctic wind blowing across an area of my body that I should not be able to experience weather in such detail. And that’s when my heart skipped a beat, ’cause I knew I had yet another situation on my hands. For the rest of the evening, I didn’t remove my jacket and exited rooms walking backward. Sheesh. I’ve become an old pro at it.
Have you ever had any similar troubles? How about my wallet theory? Let me know your thoughts. And have a great day, my friends.
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The other day at work I saw a woman bent over in front of me with a rip starting to form in the back of her slacks. I turned around and said nothing.
How many more times did you gaze upon “the back of her slacks” during the day? Did you every see any flesh or undies?
Hell no.
That’s the same place all my jeans have their asssplosions. I’m a hefty guy but I don’t have a big ass, just a hole in my back I shit out of. I’m a mechanic and I work in them. Maybe getting in and out of cars and or crouching down/bending over frequently does it? I don’t know. But I’ll blow the ass out before I wear the knees out.
The photo of your wallet appears to have friction wear with something blue, say jeans. The location may match the pocket seam. The well sewn pocket may be more resistant to the pressure of your large ass with admittedly thin wallet than is the material immediately adjacent to it, also known as the location of your frequent blowouts. 😉
So his jeans assplode because they’re too well made. That doesn’t pass the sniff test. So to speak…
jtb
This might even be a design defect in the jeans. I suspect that like me, you may have settled on a certain make and model of pants, and keep buying the same thing year after year. Try a different brand.
I’ve considered that. I do, as you say, continue to buy the same jeans, ’cause they’re comfortable. Whenever I venture outside the regular they feel weird and I’m constantly tuggin’ and adjustin’. And I can’t have that. So… maybe it’s just a problem with this brand? Maybe my ass is getting a bad rap?
Looks like you’re washing them too frequently. Just throw them out in the snow after work and put them on the next day. This might shrink your penis, but the jeans should last longer. In any case, time will take care of both the problem and the side effect.
John
I’ve heard that some people never wash their jeans, especially if they’re Levi’s. I can’t even imagine such a thing.
Jeff, with regard to the WVSR of old, this topic is spongeworthy. You’ve been blowing out your jeans for a decade or more. Since, on the rare occasions you show yourself on the blog, it’s generally a frontside view, I am unable to determine whether you have an ass problem, and don’t really want to know. But I have a different theory: I think your wallet is TOO THIN.
I think you started blowing out your jeans when you stopped carrying cash. There’s nothing like a few tens and twenties to cushion the enormous forces involved in a seven foot tall man (see photo with aunts and uncles) sitting on an office chair. Even at six-sumthin’ the tidal forces alone could send a half moon or an otherwise bulletproof fabric off into space. Even a few fives would help (I’ve been unable to calculate the relative effects of denomination, because I don’t have as many twenties as I used to).
It’s just an economics/physics theory I developed with help from John Maynard G. Krebs and Richard Fine Man. Maybe you could borrow some cash from Toney or the kids and take your ass on a test run for a cupla nights. I don’t see a downside in tryin’.
John
. . . and sleep well, Junior Johnson. You were a Prince of the South, even when you were running ‘shine and doing time; and you became a king . . .
In every heart, there is a drum that beats
Steady and strong, it does not know defeat
I feel it pound, and know the sound
Of true beliefs
In every soul, there is a memory
Of standing tall, the proudest we could be
I cannot fall, for I recall
We were born in majesty
And when the long fight, has been fought and won
We’ll stand in the sun
And we will raise our hands
And we will touch the sky
Together we will dance in robes of gold
And we will leave the world remembering
When we were kings, when we were kings
.
John