I realized I was a bit parched while driving to work on Saturday afternoon, so I cheated and grabbed the can of Mountain Dew Toney packed in my lunch. I figured I could buy another from the vending machine later. Sometimes you’ve just got to live for the moment, like those people jumping off cliffs in a… well, a Mountain Dew commercial.
So, I cracked that baby open, took a big swig, and let out an involuntary, “AAAAHHHHH!” I continued driving southbound on I-81, while enjoying Bewitched by Luna, and kept taking occasional hits off the Dew that was now tucked comfortably inside the cupholder in my console.
And when I got to the bottom of the can, I tilted it way up and something solid came washing into my mouth. What the?! My lower jaw retracted, I was instantly sent into a state of pre-vomit, and I pawed at the foreign object (substance?) with my right hand.
A bug! A big-ass bug, with wings!! Blecch! I rolled down my window and spit-out the soda that was still in my mouth. And since I was traveling at 70 mph, it all came flying back in my face and down the side of my neck. Good god!
It was freaking disgusting. I kept looking at the bug, while trying not to focus on the fact that it had been on my tongue only seconds before. Nasty. Also, it had been inside that can for weeks (I’d guess), it’s bugly essence becoming one with the Mountain Dew. And I’d ingested it all! Shit, I’m getting sick all over again, just thinking about it.
When I got to work I took some pics of the thing with my phone, and here are a few:
Any idea what kind of bug that is? One of my co-workers said it’s a “stink bug,” but I have a feeling that might not be a technical term. (Or is it?) As the evening progressed, it seemed like my tongue was swelling. At one point it felt like I was walking around with a flip-flop shower shoe in my mouth, and I think my lips were buzzing. But it might have just been paranoia…
Have you ever discovered something foreign in your food? If so, please tell us about it.
Years ago I was in a Cajun restaurant in Atlanta, and found a beetle in my jambalaya. I called the waitress over and showed it to her, and she accused me of putting it there myself. Like I go around with a pocket full of bugs, bilking restaurant owners out of five dollar rice dishes… I mean, seriously.
Thankfully that’s the only previous episode that jumps to mind. The Mountain Dew thing, though, was much worse than the jambalaya. Yesterday’s dead bug was a whole lot bigger, for one thing, and actually made it inside my mouth. Rolling around in there, and whatnot. <full body shiver> I might have to make an appointment with Jackie Chiles for Monday morning.
If you have anything to tell us about bad stuff you’ve found in your food, use the comments link below. And I’ll be back on Monday. Unless I turn into a fatass insect man with rotating googly eyes, or some shit.
Have a great day, boys and girls.