OK, this is going to be the last update about my quickie road trip to West Virginia last week. You have my word on it. There are just a few loose ends I need to tie up here, and we’ll get back to the “normal” stuff. Do we have a deal? Good. Let’s get started.
Folks in West Virginia are nicer than in other places. I’ve heard this all my life, and don’t really subscribe to such notions. People are all the time attributing stereotypes — good and bad — to certain regions or states, and I think they’re mostly overblown. From my experience, people are basically the same wherever you go. So, I just let ’em talk, and silently dismiss what they’re saying.
However, it seems to be true: people are nicer in West Virginia. At least they’re nicer than the people who live here, in the Upper Perogie Belt. Everywhere I went, people were friendly and ready to talk. But not in an obnoxious way, just… friendly and nice. Up here you’re more likely to receive a scowl, and, if you’re lucky, an occasional grunt of acknowledgment.
It’s striking how different people behave there. And it’s contagious, too. I found myself in a better mood, which was confusing. What’s happening to me?! A little less cynicism and anger is a novelty I quite enjoyed, if you wanna know the truth.
However… there was also a dark side to the trip. For two days I was subjected to many hours of daytime TV. It was excruciating. The commercials alone can send a person into an emotional death-spiral. It’s all treatments for diseases, desperation loans, and slimy lawyers urging us to file lawsuits against our former or current employers. What happened to Madge, and Mr. Whipple? Sheesh. It’s all sleaziness and sadness at this point.
Yeah, we watched a lot of game shows. But somebody would always start talking at pivotal moments, and I never really knew what was happening. So, I’d miss the question on Family Feud, and only see the answers. “Pitchforks!” “Underwear!” “Willie Mays!!” WTF is going on?!
On Friday evening we met my aunt and uncle for dinner at Cracker Barrel, and that was good. You can’t go wrong with the Barrel. The waitress, however, was a bit over-caffeinated, or perhaps crazy. She was certainly eager to please, and was filling drink glasses and clearing plates like a son-of-a-bitch. But my face was very near her armpit for much of the meal. All that reachin’, and whatnot. I could’ve done with a little less pit, to be honest.
While we were eating, my uncle was talking about a person he works with, and the guy’s “hypochondriac” wife. He said, “Yeah, and a couple of months ago she got to the point where she couldn’t swallow anymore. So, she had to go to the hospital and have something stretched.” It was one of those situations where I couldn’t stop laughing, and everybody was looking at me like I was an escaped lunatic. But it was funny. She had to have something stretched. I’m laughing right now.
On the day I left, I had a morning sit-down in the bathroom, and there was a single rogue pooplet that wasn’t going down without a fight. I flushed three times, and it would disappear down the hole, then come rocketing back to the surface. It seemed to be taunting me. The toilet didn’t seem to have much horsepower, and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t leave a butt marble for my parents to deal with, but also couldn’t make it go away. I felt genuine low-grade panic. Thankfully, the fourth flush did it. At least I think it did.
“Everything OK in there?” my dad said, when I came out of the bathroom. I guess he heard the toilet flush four times, and his imagination was running wild. Heh.
The interstate bridge at Dunbar was recently widened, and it’s now like some crazy Atlanta-style highway.
I turned on the GPS, because I’m always afraid I’ll be daydreaming, miss a turn-off, and end up in Wisconsin or something. I’m not very good at paying attention while I’m driving… Toney and I have had a million “conversations” about this through the years.
Anyway, our GPS maps are apparently not up to date, and the device started going crazy as I drove over that wide-ass bridge. “Recalculating! Recalculating!!” What the?? I looked at the screen, and it showed my car off the road, hovering above the river. I was driving through the air, alongside the interstate and not on it. Good stuff.
I stopped to buy gas way out in the boondocks, in a town I dubbed Rusted Hatchet. I filled up my tiny, girly gas tank at a Sheetz, and went in to buy a tankard of coffee. And it was a sea of camouflage. Everybody was apparently trying to blend in with the surroundings for some reason, and buying the shit out of donut holes. As I stood in line waiting to pay, I saw one cup full of the things after another being purchased. Weird. I’d somehow stumbled into the Town that Loves Donut Holes.
I stopped for lunch at the same yuppie Chick-fil-A in Maryland, as I did on my trip southward. I even parked in the same spot, and ordered the exact same meal. It was a perfect fast food bookend to my quickie road trip.
And that’ll do it, my friends. Here’s part one of this tale, and this is part two. Today’s update closes out the category.
I’ll see you again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunke
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
Glad to hear you made it home safe.
Second…
I went to Cracker Barrel with my friend’s family for Thanksgiving last year. The restaurant had the whole process stream-lined… great food, great service. There was a short wait, maybe 45 minutes or so… but compare that to having people slave in the kitchen for hours on end. I’ll never again volunteer to host a Thanksgiving dinner.
If it was a “yuppie” Chik-fil-A, it must not have been the one in/near Cumberland, MD.
I was thinking the same thing. I used to live in Cumberland, and was always pleased to know that JK habituated this particular Christian-themed fried chicken patty joint on his trips back home to WV. There is absolutely nothing ‘yuppie’ about Cumberland, MD.
According to The Google, there are only 3 Chik-fil-A’s in all of Maryland and they’re all within a 10-mile stretch of I-68. Since it can’t be the one in Cumberland and the 2nd one is inside a Mall further west (and I don’t believe for a second that Jeff would put up with THAT manner of detour), it has to be the one in Frostburg.
Yeah, I’ve had my esophagus stretched — not just once, twice. Untreated acid reflux will do that to ya. I never miss my daily dose of Prilosec any more.
Had the same thing done. Unbelievable how much it changed my ability to swallow. I was even having problems with liquids, also due to acid reflux.
Yeah, I’d like a good esophageal stretching myself. But my GI doc says I have to do the James Bond test first (swallow a massive pill in front of an x-ray machine) before he’s willing to go spelunking. So, it’s two Xantac a day for me and small bites.
Oh, and if she actually needed to get her esophagus widened then I guess she wasn’t being a hypochondriac, was she?
Daytime TV and the accompanying commercials will suck the life right out of you. The commercials accompany the target audience. You got the drug companies for the elderly who are whacked out on a cocktail of pills. You have the ambulance chasers for the “I’m a victim let’s sue everyone” audience and then you have those “Don’t Pay the IRS a penny” ads for the couch potato droolers who have manipulated the system from the cradle on up.
More likely they are the manipulated than the manipulators.
It’s funny, but I get TV from England and the ads during the day are the same shit they show in the US, with the addition of Lottery ads. Lots and lots of Lottery ads. Weird.
Oh, and Judge Judy is on there 24/7.
There’s something about watching Judge Judy interpreting the Magna Carta and English Common Law that I find strangely interesting. However, I’m afraid you mean they just show reruns of her interpreting the American Constitution and state statutes, applying them wisely to barking neighbor dogs and cousin fights in trailers.
The Brits would like that because it reinforces their ideas about Americans. Who else would intentionally damage their own nation’s credit rating besides the US Congress? They’re having a bit of a laugh over that one too.
jtb
I grew up in Oklahoma and moved to Central Pa 3 years ago and after attending the Oklahoma State/West Virginia game I have to agree – West Virginia is a very/most friendly place.
This is just the sober people mind you; you can’t take into account the drunkards in these types of things.
I had a similar bathroom situation many years ago while visiting my wife’s aunt and uncle. My morning constitutional refused to go down the drain. The unsinkable molly brown would not succumb to its rightful final resting place. It also took about 4 flushes for it to get the idea.
This was no mere pebble. It was more like a mutant sweet potato, both in color and size, nothing you want to ask for help in disposing of.
Daytime TV blows. If you looked to the commercials for an indication of the American Condition, you’d think that all US citizens use catheters, have mesothelima, and have been injured in a slip-and -fall accident.
And have a structured settlement.
What about the ads urging viewers to go back to school and learn Excel?
Thank God they finally got rid of that asshole – “The Video Professor”. Lying, cheating fuck…..
And have a structured settlement.
Learn where to type!
Coming from NYC, Eastern PA seems like the most friendly place in the world lol.
“It’s my money, and I want it now!”
When ever I have an unflushable..I throw some toilet paper on top of it and flush, it gives it something to cling on to. Usually works too.
I can testify to that technique. The olive in that giant martini just needs a single square to move it on down.
A counterpoint.
I’ve been to most of the 50 states. West Virgina twice, and WV was one of the few places I got full bore “You’re not from around these parts are you?’ Twice.
I’m sure there are lots of lovely people there. They kept away from me 🙂
I haven’t been to WV enough to say whether the people are (un)friendly.
I have, however, worked in countless command centers and corporate meeting rooms where they have TV installed, and so have seen a lot of daytime TV. The programming is god-fucking-awful, and the commercials are worse. You’re OK if it’s an old movie, but it’s more likely to be an infomercial for The Rascal, or “get every penny you’re entitled to!”
Mesothelioma! That’s mighty damned specific.
.
Mesothelioma is specific, but asbestos was deployed generally, as insulation in walls, ceilings, appliances, heat ducts, and just about everywhere else its dust could get into our lungs when we revisited it forty years later. My friend Bob, who was a general contractor painter and did some home repair AFTER working in the holds of Navy ships lined with asbestos during the Korean War, died from this very specific disease, as have many others.
That’s not to say that I have any respect for the barracuda attorneys who advertise on TV and take way too much of any settlement.
I’m just sayin’…
jtb
it killed steve mcqueen.
Ironic how the daytime commercials are all about suing drug companies for what you took, while the evening news is all commercials for new drugs to take.
And the colored girls say,
“Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”
I lived in Mesa, AZ for about 2 months and the people there were the rudest shittiest people ever.
People in OKC were pretty nice from what I remember.
In defense, everyone in Mesa is from somewhere else.
Fair enough. Atlanta was like that.
In OKC everyone is from Oklahoma unless they are military, and even then.
You got a lotta peanuts in your shit. Styrofoam peanuts.
While the medical condition is not at all funny, all this talk about swallowing and stretching has got me damn near hysterical. I’m twelve years old, apparently. I love this site.
I’ve only driven through WV, but it is a beautiful state. Driving through a mountain isn’t a thing you get to experience every day when you’re from the midwest. I actually found this site a few years back because a good friend of mine is from Charleston, and after hearing her refer to WV as “West by God” a few times, I wanted to know where the hell that nickname came from. I googled it, and this site came up on the first page. It doesn’t anymore, I just checked, but that’s funny, in retrospect.
To stretch out your esophagus (sp?) do you swallow a hardboiled egg or something?
I, too, am curious about the mechanics of the esophageal stretching.
From the Mayo Clinic site:
“Esophageal dilation: For a tight esophageal sphincter (achalasia) or an esophageal stricture, your doctor may use an endoscope with a special balloon attached to gently stretch and expand the width of your esophagus or pass a flexible tube or tubes to stretch the esophagus (dilatation).”
Chances are the 12 year old humorists among us didn’t make it too far into that explanation. ;o)
When my sphincter is tight I call it assalasia.
Since I don’t have a gag reflex (lucky me!) I don’t ever have to worry about any stankin’ esophageal stretching!. Whew.
Stephanie, How you doin’?
Filed for unemployment and all documentation has been sent. Looking for work and…oh…that’s not what you meant, is it?
Heh. Think “Joey Tribbiani”….
I’m way funnier.
no – I mean………
never mind.
Well I’m gonna go out on a limb here and predict you’ve just made 40 new male friends……
Hey Steph….wanna borrow my red FMP’s? 😉
Heh.