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More Notes from the Road: The Final Conflict

October 29, 2013 By Jeff 47 Comments

roadsignsOK, this is going to be the last update about my quickie road trip to West Virginia last week. You have my word on it. There are just a few loose ends I need to tie up here, and we’ll get back to the “normal” stuff. Do we have a deal? Good. Let’s get started.

Folks in West Virginia are nicer than in other places. I’ve heard this all my life, and don’t really subscribe to such notions. People are all the time attributing stereotypes — good and bad — to certain regions or states, and I think they’re mostly overblown. From my experience, people are basically the same wherever you go. So, I just let ’em talk, and silently dismiss what they’re saying.

However, it seems to be true: people are nicer in West Virginia. At least they’re nicer than the people who live here, in the Upper Perogie Belt. Everywhere I went, people were friendly and ready to talk. But not in an obnoxious way, just… friendly and nice. Up here you’re more likely to receive a scowl, and, if you’re lucky, an occasional grunt of acknowledgment.

It’s striking how different people behave there. And it’s contagious, too. I found myself in a better mood, which was confusing. What’s happening to me?! A little less cynicism and anger is a novelty I quite enjoyed, if you wanna know the truth.

However… there was also a dark side to the trip. For two days I was subjected to many hours of daytime TV. It was excruciating. The commercials alone can send a person into an emotional death-spiral. It’s all treatments for diseases, desperation loans, and slimy lawyers urging us to file lawsuits against our former or current employers. What happened to Madge, and Mr. Whipple? Sheesh. It’s all sleaziness and sadness at this point.

Yeah, we watched a lot of game shows. But somebody would always start talking at pivotal moments, and I never really knew what was happening. So, I’d miss the question on Family Feud, and only see the answers. “Pitchforks!” “Underwear!” “Willie Mays!!” WTF is going on?!

On Friday evening we met my aunt and uncle for dinner at Cracker Barrel, and that was good. You can’t go wrong with the Barrel. The waitress, however, was a bit over-caffeinated, or perhaps crazy. She was certainly eager to please, and was filling drink glasses and clearing plates like a son-of-a-bitch. But my face was very near her armpit for much of the meal. All that reachin’, and whatnot. I could’ve done with a little less pit, to be honest.

While we were eating, my uncle was talking about a person he works with, and the guy’s “hypochondriac” wife. He said, “Yeah, and a couple of months ago she got to the point where she couldn’t swallow anymore. So, she had to go to the hospital and have something stretched.” It was one of those situations where I couldn’t stop laughing, and everybody was looking at me like I was an escaped lunatic. But it was funny. She had to have something stretched. I’m laughing right now.

On the day I left, I had a morning sit-down in the bathroom, and there was a single rogue pooplet that wasn’t going down without a fight. I flushed three times, and it would disappear down the hole, then come rocketing back to the surface. It seemed to be taunting me. The toilet didn’t seem to have much horsepower, and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t leave a butt marble for my parents to deal with, but also couldn’t make it go away. I felt genuine low-grade panic. Thankfully, the fourth flush did it. At least I think it did.

“Everything OK in there?” my dad said, when I came out of the bathroom. I guess he heard the toilet flush four times, and his imagination was running wild. Heh.

The interstate bridge at Dunbar was recently widened, and it’s now like some crazy Atlanta-style highway.

I turned on the GPS, because I’m always afraid I’ll be daydreaming, miss a turn-off, and end up in Wisconsin or something. I’m not very good at paying attention while I’m driving… Toney and I have had a million “conversations” about this through the years.

Anyway, our GPS maps are apparently not up to date, and the device started going crazy as I drove over that wide-ass bridge. “Recalculating! Recalculating!!” What the?? I looked at the screen, and it showed my car off the road, hovering above the river. I was driving through the air, alongside the interstate and not on it. Good stuff.

I stopped to buy gas way out in the boondocks, in a town I dubbed Rusted Hatchet. I filled up my tiny, girly gas tank at a Sheetz, and went in to buy a tankard of coffee. And it was a sea of camouflage. Everybody was apparently trying to blend in with the surroundings for some reason, and buying the shit out of donut holes. As I stood in line waiting to pay, I saw one cup full of the things after another being purchased. Weird. I’d somehow stumbled into the Town that Loves Donut Holes.

I stopped for lunch at the same yuppie Chick-fil-A in Maryland, as I did on my trip southward. I even parked in the same spot, and ordered the exact same meal. It was a perfect fast food bookend to my quickie road trip.

And that’ll do it, my friends. Here’s part one of this tale, and this is part two. Today’s update closes out the category.

I’ll see you again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Uncle_Wedgie says

    October 29, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Glad to hear you made it home safe.

    Reply
  2. Shiny Rod says

    October 29, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Second…

    Reply
  3. Jimbo says

    October 29, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    I went to Cracker Barrel with my friend’s family for Thanksgiving last year. The restaurant had the whole process stream-lined… great food, great service. There was a short wait, maybe 45 minutes or so… but compare that to having people slave in the kitchen for hours on end. I’ll never again volunteer to host a Thanksgiving dinner.

    Reply
  4. sunshine_in_va says

    October 29, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    If it was a “yuppie” Chik-fil-A, it must not have been the one in/near Cumberland, MD.

    Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      October 30, 2013 at 1:23 pm

      I was thinking the same thing. I used to live in Cumberland, and was always pleased to know that JK habituated this particular Christian-themed fried chicken patty joint on his trips back home to WV. There is absolutely nothing ‘yuppie’ about Cumberland, MD.

      Reply
      • sunshine_in_va says

        October 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

        According to The Google, there are only 3 Chik-fil-A’s in all of Maryland and they’re all within a 10-mile stretch of I-68. Since it can’t be the one in Cumberland and the 2nd one is inside a Mall further west (and I don’t believe for a second that Jeff would put up with THAT manner of detour), it has to be the one in Frostburg.

        Reply
  5. Swami Bologna says

    October 29, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Yeah, I’ve had my esophagus stretched — not just once, twice. Untreated acid reflux will do that to ya. I never miss my daily dose of Prilosec any more.

    Reply
    • Phil Jett says

      October 29, 2013 at 6:03 pm

      Had the same thing done. Unbelievable how much it changed my ability to swallow. I was even having problems with liquids, also due to acid reflux.

      Reply
    • Gretchen says

      October 29, 2013 at 8:08 pm

      Yeah, I’d like a good esophageal stretching myself. But my GI doc says I have to do the James Bond test first (swallow a massive pill in front of an x-ray machine) before he’s willing to go spelunking. So, it’s two Xantac a day for me and small bites.

      Oh, and if she actually needed to get her esophagus widened then I guess she wasn’t being a hypochondriac, was she?

      Reply
  6. madz1962 says

    October 29, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Daytime TV and the accompanying commercials will suck the life right out of you. The commercials accompany the target audience. You got the drug companies for the elderly who are whacked out on a cocktail of pills. You have the ambulance chasers for the “I’m a victim let’s sue everyone” audience and then you have those “Don’t Pay the IRS a penny” ads for the couch potato droolers who have manipulated the system from the cradle on up.

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 29, 2013 at 4:48 pm

      More likely they are the manipulated than the manipulators.

      Reply
    • Knucklehead says

      October 30, 2013 at 3:17 am

      It’s funny, but I get TV from England and the ads during the day are the same shit they show in the US, with the addition of Lottery ads. Lots and lots of Lottery ads. Weird.

      Oh, and Judge Judy is on there 24/7.

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        October 30, 2013 at 3:43 am

        There’s something about watching Judge Judy interpreting the Magna Carta and English Common Law that I find strangely interesting. However, I’m afraid you mean they just show reruns of her interpreting the American Constitution and state statutes, applying them wisely to barking neighbor dogs and cousin fights in trailers.

        The Brits would like that because it reinforces their ideas about Americans. Who else would intentionally damage their own nation’s credit rating besides the US Congress? They’re having a bit of a laugh over that one too.

        jtb

        Reply
  7. Docgreedo says

    October 29, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    I grew up in Oklahoma and moved to Central Pa 3 years ago and after attending the Oklahoma State/West Virginia game I have to agree – West Virginia is a very/most friendly place.

    This is just the sober people mind you; you can’t take into account the drunkards in these types of things.

    Reply
  8. Ozzie Bucco says

    October 29, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I had a similar bathroom situation many years ago while visiting my wife’s aunt and uncle. My morning constitutional refused to go down the drain. The unsinkable molly brown would not succumb to its rightful final resting place. It also took about 4 flushes for it to get the idea.

    This was no mere pebble. It was more like a mutant sweet potato, both in color and size, nothing you want to ask for help in disposing of.

    Daytime TV blows. If you looked to the commercials for an indication of the American Condition, you’d think that all US citizens use catheters, have mesothelima, and have been injured in a slip-and -fall accident.

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      And have a structured settlement.

      Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      October 30, 2013 at 1:26 pm

      What about the ads urging viewers to go back to school and learn Excel?

      Reply
      • sunshine_in_va says

        October 30, 2013 at 1:31 pm

        Thank God they finally got rid of that asshole – “The Video Professor”. Lying, cheating fuck…..

        Reply
  9. sunshine_in_va says

    October 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    And have a structured settlement.

    Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm

      Learn where to type!

      Reply
  10. TR says

    October 29, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Coming from NYC, Eastern PA seems like the most friendly place in the world lol.

    “It’s my money, and I want it now!”

    Reply
  11. TR says

    October 29, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    When ever I have an unflushable..I throw some toilet paper on top of it and flush, it gives it something to cling on to. Usually works too.

    Reply
    • Ruthless Dee says

      October 29, 2013 at 8:12 pm

      I can testify to that technique. The olive in that giant martini just needs a single square to move it on down.

      Reply
  12. Limey says

    October 29, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    A counterpoint.

    I’ve been to most of the 50 states. West Virgina twice, and WV was one of the few places I got full bore “You’re not from around these parts are you?’ Twice.

    I’m sure there are lots of lovely people there. They kept away from me 🙂

    Reply
  13. chill says

    October 29, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    I haven’t been to WV enough to say whether the people are (un)friendly.

    I have, however, worked in countless command centers and corporate meeting rooms where they have TV installed, and so have seen a lot of daytime TV. The programming is god-fucking-awful, and the commercials are worse. You’re OK if it’s an old movie, but it’s more likely to be an infomercial for The Rascal, or “get every penny you’re entitled to!”

    Mesothelioma! That’s mighty damned specific.
    .

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      October 29, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      Mesothelioma is specific, but asbestos was deployed generally, as insulation in walls, ceilings, appliances, heat ducts, and just about everywhere else its dust could get into our lungs when we revisited it forty years later. My friend Bob, who was a general contractor painter and did some home repair AFTER working in the holds of Navy ships lined with asbestos during the Korean War, died from this very specific disease, as have many others.

      That’s not to say that I have any respect for the barracuda attorneys who advertise on TV and take way too much of any settlement.

      I’m just sayin’…

      jtb

      Reply
      • T-STORM says

        October 30, 2013 at 5:50 am

        it killed steve mcqueen.

        Reply
  14. Nads says

    October 29, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Ironic how the daytime commercials are all about suing drug companies for what you took, while the evening news is all commercials for new drugs to take.

    Reply
  15. johnthebasket says

    October 30, 2013 at 3:46 am

    And the colored girls say,
    “Doo do doo do doo do do doo…”

    Reply
  16. T-STORM says

    October 30, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I lived in Mesa, AZ for about 2 months and the people there were the rudest shittiest people ever.

    People in OKC were pretty nice from what I remember.

    Reply
    • John Smith says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      In defense, everyone in Mesa is from somewhere else.

      Reply
      • T-STORM says

        October 30, 2013 at 12:21 pm

        Fair enough. Atlanta was like that.

        In OKC everyone is from Oklahoma unless they are military, and even then.

        Reply
  17. T-STORM says

    October 30, 2013 at 5:52 am

    You got a lotta peanuts in your shit. Styrofoam peanuts.

    Reply
  18. The Divine Miss E says

    October 30, 2013 at 6:47 am

    While the medical condition is not at all funny, all this talk about swallowing and stretching has got me damn near hysterical. I’m twelve years old, apparently. I love this site.

    I’ve only driven through WV, but it is a beautiful state. Driving through a mountain isn’t a thing you get to experience every day when you’re from the midwest. I actually found this site a few years back because a good friend of mine is from Charleston, and after hearing her refer to WV as “West by God” a few times, I wanted to know where the hell that nickname came from. I googled it, and this site came up on the first page. It doesn’t anymore, I just checked, but that’s funny, in retrospect.

    Reply
  19. T-STORM says

    October 30, 2013 at 6:48 am

    To stretch out your esophagus (sp?) do you swallow a hardboiled egg or something?

    Reply
    • Miss Q says

      October 30, 2013 at 10:25 am

      I, too, am curious about the mechanics of the esophageal stretching.

      Reply
      • Gretchen says

        October 30, 2013 at 11:01 am

        From the Mayo Clinic site:

        “Esophageal dilation: For a tight esophageal sphincter (achalasia) or an esophageal stricture, your doctor may use an endoscope with a special balloon attached to gently stretch and expand the width of your esophagus or pass a flexible tube or tubes to stretch the esophagus (dilatation).”

        Chances are the 12 year old humorists among us didn’t make it too far into that explanation. ;o)

        Reply
        • T-STORM says

          October 30, 2013 at 12:22 pm

          When my sphincter is tight I call it assalasia.

          Reply
  20. Stephanie says

    October 30, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Since I don’t have a gag reflex (lucky me!) I don’t ever have to worry about any stankin’ esophageal stretching!. Whew.

    Reply
    • T-STORM says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      Stephanie, How you doin’?

      Reply
      • Stephanie says

        October 30, 2013 at 2:11 pm

        Filed for unemployment and all documentation has been sent. Looking for work and…oh…that’s not what you meant, is it?

        Reply
        • sunshine_in_va says

          October 30, 2013 at 2:23 pm

          Heh. Think “Joey Tribbiani”….

          Reply
          • Stephanie says

            October 30, 2013 at 2:43 pm

            I’m way funnier.

            Reply
            • sunshine_in_va says

              October 30, 2013 at 2:46 pm

              no – I mean………

              never mind.

              Reply
    • sunshine_in_va says

      October 30, 2013 at 1:33 pm

      Well I’m gonna go out on a limb here and predict you’ve just made 40 new male friends……

      Reply
    • bikerchick says

      October 30, 2013 at 6:41 pm

      Hey Steph….wanna borrow my red FMP’s? 😉

      Reply
  21. Stephanie says

    October 30, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Heh.

    Reply

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