Clean Living in the Great Midwest


by JRM

April 19, 2007

Hodgepodge the Second

I'm not sure, but I think the Toyota corporation just threatened me. I finally convinced my son to let me turn the television over from children's programming to the game. The minute I got to the channel, some voiceover guy told me to "come on down and pick up a Toyota today, or you might regret it for a very, very long time". Uh, excuse me? I might regret it for a very, very long time? When I miss out on a very good deal, I generally kick myself for a couple of days... maybe a week at the most. When somebody comes over to my house and breaks a couple of my vertebrae, requiring several weeks of bed rest followed by months of excruciating physical therapy - I regret that for a very, very long time. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but if I'm approached by a large Japanese man with a hammer anytime soon, I will be running in the opposite direction.

So I was walking through Target last week, following my wife around, looking at cheap plastic crap that had undoubtedly been molded into its current form by a Chinese person and wondering what Steven Seagal was doing at that very moment. Just curious am I the only one that does this? Does anyone else ever stop whatever bullshit they happen to be engaged in and just wonder what obscure stars like former Heavyweight Champ Dr. Vitali Vladimirovich Klitschko happen to be doing at that very moment in time? As I came upon the saddest and most pathetic of all cheap plastic crap that had undoubtedly been molded into its current form by a Chinese person that is the dollar aisle, I decided that Seagal was probably kicking stuff with his hair pulled back in some odious pony tail and that Dr. Vitali Vladimirovich Klitschko was probably sitting on a really expensive couch watching television... I decided that Klitschko was probably pretty cool.

Is there some identified medical term for a person that doesn't understand why certain things are supposed to be beautiful? I know it sounds strange, but seeing as how parthenophobia means "fear of virgins", I figured that anything is possible. I mean, can you imagine being dropped in the middle of a Star Trek convention or something and the thing that you're most afraid of is all the virgins? Oooooooohhhhh spooky!!

Anyway, if somebody shows me some flowers, I will say one of two things: If the flowers jump up and eat a fly or something, I'll say, "Cool!". If they do anything else I'll say, "Yep, those're flowers alright." My parents are very fond of parading me around their central-Iowa property and saying stuff like, "This is a rotodremstrub. We planted it last blahsday and it grew just like a yergenmerfer!" To this I respond (in my head of course), "Wow Mom and Dad, you really screwed up a perfectly good football field."

Until she recently retired to pursue her true dream (CSR Phoneslappery), my sister was a ballet dancer. By no other method than just being her brother, I learned quite a bit about the industry. After watching countless ballets, thousands of hours of rehearsal

and about a hundred events attended by various 'society types', I am convinced that the entire industry was created by the French as a prank to make us look foolish.

"Hey Jacques."
Pierre ?"
"Let's make that fat American that thinks they're so smart look like a retard..."
"Okay, what do we do?"
"Let's put on some super-tight clothes, flail around for a while and then pick each other up"
"I don't want to Jacques."
"Why not?  It'll be fun."
"You can see my balls through this thing."
"No, it'll be totally worth it...they'll be dancing around like this over there for only have to do it once."

And that's how ballet was born. Honestly, it's okay for my parents to like plants and my sister to like ballet because of how happy it makes them to do these things... but the rest of you are just weird. How about paintings and such? Usually, I admire a painting for how much work it took the artist to make rather than what the final product looks like. Architecture? Nope. Don't care.

All I have is music and the beauty of the opposite sex. Weird huh? Maybe I should start a foundation or something.

Finally, a public service announcement: If you have a little bit of gin left, and no more tonic, you may consider mixing it with the Diet Mountain Dew in the fridge. I mean really, what is Diet Mountain Dew if it isn't soda water, citrus juices and a cocktail of unpronounceable chemicals? There has to be some lime in there somewhere right? It's soda water, lime and the product of generations of food additive science right? Actually, it's terrible...I would've been better off doing shots of gin and chasing it with peanut butter. Somebody please remind me to go to the grocery store.



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