Clean Living in the Great Midwest


by JRM

April 13, 2005

Dear University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics:

A couple of days ago, Jeff Kay took a little bit of time to discuss his ‘eternal’ plans. It was at this point that I realized that I had absolutely no plan at all, and even though I am only 28 years old, I should probably think about all of this stuff sooner than later.

I am writing today to let you know that you can have my body for scientific research after I die. I figure it is only fitting since I picked up most of the vices that will probably cause my premature demise at your fine university. However, I have a few conditions:

-Whenever you’re not working on my face, I would really appreciate it if you could put on those mirrored aviator sunglasses like Tom Cruise wears. I have never liked the look that dead people have on their faces. The cool shades could make things more fun for everyone.

-Please try to do your best to catalog and label all of my various bits and pieces. I will be severely pissed if my heart is stolen and then sold on the black market and then inserted into the chest of a Columbian drug lord hell-bent on wiping all those who dare to attempt to bring him to justice. And frankly, it’s just not a wise use of resources.

-You are not to compare any of my parts to that of a chimpanzee, a baboon, any other primate closely related to mankind, or a horse’s ass. Not only am I afraid of the similarities you might find, I am also concerned about the embarrassment that my family might be forced to endure because of said similarities.

-You are not to remove my lungs or liver and parade them around to junior high schools in order to teach kids ‘the evils of substance abuse’. I will not have my life’s work mocked.

-My genitals must be covered at all times. I’ve heard too many stories from nursing students about the ridicule that those cadavers are forced to endure. I’m dead, for crying out loud – I’ve had a hard enough month, I don’t need 20-year-old hot chicks pointing and laughing without any ability to defend myself. It’s not fair – why does the rest of your body get so bloated?

-After you’re done with me I insist that you burn me up as soon as possible. While I appreciate the scientific gain that can be made from cadaver study, I don’t want to hang around forever, all blue with a silly look on my face. When I am burned, I insist that the music be turned up to cover all the funny noises I will undoubtedly make while on fire. Something tasteful please…it would totally suck to be burned up with Bjork screeching in the foreground.

-Finally, it has been my lifelong dream to have my ashes poured onto the head of an unsuspecting person waiting at the bus stop. Some people play golf – I have always enjoyed pissing off strangers. I think it is fitting that my final worldly act be one that is disgusting and enraging to an innocent person.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation with this matter. I look forward to doing my part toward the advancement of science.



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