Clean Living in the Great Midwest


by JRM

January 26, 2005

I recently saw a story about an American city that enacted a zoning ordinance that regulated adult businesses, specifically strip clubs. Most of the stuff was pretty standard, 500-foot setbacks and buffer zones from schools and churches, operating hours, liquor agreements and the like. The thing that struck me as hilarious was the no-touching clause. Usually, cities say something to the effect of, "Entertainers/artists/performers must maintain a distance of no less than six feet from patrons". This particular ordinance was the product of a legal battle between the city and an alliance of several clubs. The two parties agreed on legislation that prohibited the "touching of areas on the body that are of a sexual nature".

This concept raised several questions in my mind:

Touching with what? My hand? Her hand? My lap? My nose? I don’t know about you guys, but if a scantily clad attractive person of the opposite sex touches my forearm with her back (and unless you’re a weirdo, these are not sexual parts of the body)- at least mentally, my response is of a sexual nature. This ordinance couldn’t possibly be enforced in a court of law. Or maybe it could, I’m not a friggin’ lawyer.

I wonder how law enforcement agencies are going to handle this thing. Are they going to send undercover officers into a club that is notorious for giving out $50 handies to solicit these performers? There is no violation of this law unless "touching of areas on the body that are of a sexual nature" actually occurs. Can you imagine this guy’s life? He goes into a club, hangs out for a while, orders up a private dance, lets her dance on his lap for a while, negotiates the handie, she starts the job, and then he has to slap the cuffs on her:

"What do you do for a living?"

"I’m an accountant"

"Oh really, I get a horrible case of the blue balls on a nightly basis."

"That’s fascinating, wanna go golfing sometime?"

Either that or they could do the sting and arrest the dancer for prostitution when she takes the money, but where’s the comedy in that? On the other hand, if your department was sympathetic - your job could be going to the club, getting dances, getting serviced and then arresting the performer and getting your money back. Justice would be served and you would have the greatest job in the world. Note to self: Enroll in the Police Academy and get this job – and make sure it’s that police academy where that black guy makes all those funny sound effects…or is it sound affects? Stupid English language…Note to self: go to England and punch the queen, because it’s her English and her fault. Note to self: stop typing everything you are thinking, dumbass…

On a quasi-related note, I need your help. I need a new job. You know that guy that is always being featured in some media outlet because he finished school and got good grades and did everything else right but still can’t get a job so he whines and cries about it in the careers section in the paper? I’ve always wanted to kick the crap out of that guy for being such a needy little bitch. My anger only elevates two weeks later when they do an update to say that he got a great job at some fortune 500 company. Oh man - I want to hit that guy so hard that he swallows his teeth…the little crybaby.

So anyway, if you or your company needs a guy who has finished school and got good grades and did everything else right but still can’t get a good job – I’m your man. I come complete with references and all my shots, plus I can write an above average boob joke. Boob jokes are a marketable skill right? I’ll move anywhere in the country…I just need the work…. Was that needy enough?

Talk to you guys next week.



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