I was in Sheetz a few minutes ago, buying a Dr. Pepper fountain drink. Why is it so much better over ice, than out of a bottle? I don’t know of any other sodas that fall into that category. Possibly root beer? I’m not sure about that one, but Dr. Pepper is blatantly better as a fountain drink.
Anyway, there was a girl in there with bed head, faces tattooed all over her legs and the center of her chest, and (I’m almost certain) a pair of underwear. That is, underwear with nothing on over it… People were practically bumping into each other, checking out this exotica waiting in line to purchase an Arnold Palmer iced tea.
I tried not to be too obvious about it, but was trying to get a handle on it, as well. I’m not 100% sure it was officially underwear, but it looked like it, and she clearly had nothing on underneath. It wasn’t a bathing suit… it just looked like, you know, panties.
And there were large, intricately detailed black & white faces all over her legs. Underneath each was a name, written in cursive, but they didn’t mean anything to me. I’m thinking relatives? Maybe dead grandparents? I don’t know. There was another big head on her chest, peeking out of the plunging neckline of her shirt.
I’m not totally sheltered. I see all manner of tattooed and radically pierced people, on a regular basis. But this chick stood out from the crowd. One guy nearly turned over a Starburst display looking at her. It was the damnedest thing I’ve seen since that woman with a Quaker Oats box strapped to her head in Greenwich Village.
What’s the most memorable (for better or worse) tattoos you’ve seen on a person?
There was a girl who worked at Everybody’s Pizza in Atlanta years ago, with tattooed kudzu “growing” up both of her legs. I always thought that was pretty cool. I’m not really a tattoo kinda guy, but appreciated the humor in that one.
Kudzu, in case you don’t know, is a super fast-growing plant common in the southeastern United States. People always say not to sleep with your windows open in the south, ‘cause the kudzu will come in and strangle you.
What about you? Do any tattoos you’ve seen really stick out in your mind?
When I was a kid there was a full-blown alcoholic who knew my dad somehow. He was always drunk, and looked like he’d been baked by the sun for roughly 60 years. He was a hideous, unnerving example of a human being. And tattooed above his nipples (he was forever shirtless) were the words SWEET and SOUR. What the hell?? It bothered me as a child, and baffles me as an adult.
If you have anything on this subject, please tell us about it in the comments.
A few nights ago I had a hankering for a good ol’ 1980s slasher film. You know, something really stupid, gory, and entertaining? For whatever reason, they were best during the ‘80s, I think. So… I flipped through the offerings at Netflix Instant, and decided on Slumber Party Massacre.
I’d heard of it, but had never seen it. Perfect! I settled in with a bowl of ice cream (I’m still not drinking for some freaky reason), and hit play. And here are a few quick thoughts:
- The acting was horrible, across the board. Seriously, there didn’t seem to be one semi-skilled actor in the bunch. It reminded me of the stellar performance Keith Hernandez turned in on Seinfeld.
- There was a lot of gratuitous nudity, which MIGHT have something to do with my love of ‘80s slasher films. So-called high school girls would gather at someone’s house, and immediately (and for no clear reason) start changing clothes – all the way down to their knee socks and dinner plate-sized bushes.
- The killer was fairly disturbing, because he looked like a regular guy. And he opted for a big ol’ drill as his murdering tool of choice. Usually it’s a knife of some sort, but this dude carried around a professional grade drilling apparatus. I appreciated his creative approach.
- The movie was released in 1982, and someone used the phrase “freaking out.” Also, “bummed out,” and “crystal meth.” These are phrases I didn’t think people used in 1982, but apparently I’m wrong. Maybe they just didn’t use them in West Virginia? They feel more… late ‘80s to me. But what do I know?
In any case, I enjoyed the movie. It was really bad, but I was entertained throughout. If you know of any other Netflix Instant movies I should check out, please let me know. I watch upwards of six films per year, so I should be able to fit in all your suggestions.
And finally, when I came home from work a few nights ago there was a fun Twitter “hashtag game” going, called #RejectedOlympicEvents. A lot of heavy hitters were involved – professional comedians and the like – and there were plenty of hilarious entries.
This was right up my alley, and I decided to give it a shot. In the past I’ve gotten sucked into these things for hours at a time, but I was tired this time ‘round and couldn’t get fully into it. But here are my meager contributions:
Nit picking
Waving
Drawing Dicks
Speed Teasing
Making Real Fast Circles With Sparklers
Absentmindedly Peeling the Label Off a Budweiser Bottle
‘Sup? chin-lift
The one about sparklers was clearly the crowd favorite, but I like the ‘Sup? one too. The one about the Budweiser bottle was a misfire. Oh well.
I’d like to turn this important project over to you guys now. In the comments section below, please share with us what you imagine are the Rejected Olympic Events. Go ahead, it’s fun!
And this is going to be the last update for a few days. I need to burrow underground again, but I’ll be back on Sunday (possibly), or Monday (definitely).
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Thanks for reading!
Now playing in the bunker
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Swearing like a pirate
Band aid removing
Keeping a straight face while having a Brazillian
“On hold” endurance contest
One-armed parallel bars
Javelin catching
Hammer throw baseball
Tiddly-winks
Goober hocking
Globalthermonuclear war
Don’t spill the beans
Can’t recall any outstanding tats – I think I’ve topped looking. I do remember in the early 80s (maybe 1981?) seeing a woman bartender with huge knockers with a tattoo on her right hooter. This was way before the tat craze began – and on a woman – so it was mildly interesting.
“Texting while log rolling”
“fencing with switchblades”
rowing a nuclear submarine
lip curling
scowling
bush shampooing
Should’ve been on the list: You like to remind everyone your dog is a rescue.
Cow Tipping
Snipe Hunting
Booger flicking
Crapping while running
Scoring with hot tattooed chicks
Tourette’s emulating
Gay lisping
Fast food eating while texting and driving drunk
Euchre
Joint Rolling
A new bartender at our local hole-in-the-wall is a hairdresser by day. She’s a “rode hard, put out wet” twenty something. She has a huge tat on her chest…and by chest, I mean neck to saggy tits…of two blow dryer’s in resemblance of “guns”.
Blow dryer’s. With electrical cords. On her entire chest. She’s in her 20’s.
*WOW*
Wotta train wreck.
French kissing
Jager Bomb drink off
Bagging groceries
Banana eating
Rolling down steep grassy hill’s
Welfare Check Cashing
I wonder if her ass cheeks sport two curling irons.
My niece has “Only the Good Die Young” tatooed across her chest. My reaction was “Really?”
Watch and Mystery Science 3000 movie “thriller” and it;s like watching with three (funny) buddies. Absolutely a riot
Extemporaneous Limerick
Mud Polo
Synchronized Hedge Trimming
Dumpster Diving
Running from the Law
Cornhole
‘Dumpster Diving’ and ‘Cornhole’ had me in tears! Those are hilarious!!
Oh I would be a ringer for the GOLD in the Dumpster Diving event!
Sittin’-n-Lookin’
100 yd. “Macaroni & Beef” Diarrhea Dash
Horseshoes
SPAM-athon
Jarts
Texting
Meming
Irony
Libertarian Relay (they all just stood at the starting line saying “why should I help YOU”)
self inflicted wound stitching
Earlobe Rings
Shoveling
Go to google and search for “vagina tattoos”. ‘Nuff said. Skippy out.
Why oh why did I do that? And why did I google “penis tattoos” afterward? Need to go bleach my brain now.
Bejaysus. Monkey. Homer. Much worse. Augh.
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That monkey sure has a perrty mouth. Just sayin…
Whittlin’
Screwing the pooch
Tainting a jury
Contacts cleaning
Fire starting
Document shredding
Blowing up inflatable dolls
Breast bouncing
Weenie wiggling
Credit card scanning
I’ve never been on a jury, but I have been tainted.
jtb
Dickin’ around
Speed shitting
Dick slappin’
“Pissing on Nixon’s Grave”
1) accuracy
2) arc
3) volume
4) vocal variety
Double clutching
Double clutching could actually work. It’s an art and a skill, and not many young pups today know what it is, let alone have any ability.
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Demolition derby
Dancing like John Travolta
Fishing for compliments
Talking like the queen
Singing like Bob Dylan
Sturgeon Mooning
I have no idea what that means, but I like it.
According to my pretentious weather man we’re experiencing a “Sturgeon Moon” right now. Because God forbid you just call it a “full moon” like everyone else and get on with your day.
http://www.farmersalmanac.com/full-moon-names/
Though I am sort of crossing my fingers that in November he waxes nostalgic about a “Full Beaver Moon”.
100 meter Yodeling
Corn Hole
Female Pubic Hair Trimming ( My Personal Favorite)
CD Unwrapping
Bogarting
Shotgunning Beer
Pissin’ in the wind
Drop and Roll while on Fire
Serpentine Running
Turd Hurling
Duck and cover
I don’t see many outrageous tattoos. Today I saw a guy with a NY Yankees logo tattooed on his arm, but that seemed more sad than outrageous. A woman I used to work with had some dude’s name tattooed on her back; for some reason that says “trailer” to me.
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chill…
You must be one of them I/T guys. If it were on her front, it would say “header”. It’s all the packets in the middle that yield a bad hash total.
jtb
I’m not Italian, but I grew up in a neighborhood full of Sicilians. And I didn’t mean “says” in a literal sense; the tattoo can’t talk, of course.
All the best.
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Beer nerds: Young’s double chocolate stout and a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Go!
Spelling bee
Beer pong
Pickup truck drag racing
Naked lesbian twister
Marlboro chain smoking
Vaginal bowling ball insertion
Boiled egg eating.
Guitar Hero (often tied closely with Mountan Dew and Doritos consuming)
Only a few days late, but… I saw a girl in the Jimmy Johns sandwich shop on 14th St in Atlanta today. On her elbow was a tattoo of one pig humpin’ another pig. Beneath was the text “Pigs is pigs”.
I’m disappointed. Traditionally the caption would have been “Makin’ Bacon”. Kids today, jeez.
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