My breathing bags are under assault. Somebody said it’s ragweed that’s causing the entire world to sneeze and snort right now? I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m a physical wreck. And that’s a fact. My lungs are inflamed, the left nose hole is continuously dripping, and my equilibrium is off. I feel really weird, and last night at work sucked.
But just one more shift and I’m a free man for a few days. My work week ends at 1:30 am. I’m seriously considering working on Saturday again, for the additional dollars, but I’ll have Thursday and Friday to decompress. It seems like I’ve been running wide-open for weeks on end.
I worked this past Saturday night, and it felt like Sunday. I worked Sunday, and it was some sort of detached otherworldly day, belonging nowhere. I was off on Monday (mowing my ass down to a smoldering nub), and it felt like Saturday. And when I returned to work yesterday, it was like Sunday again. Man, I’m all jacked-up….
Will somebody please hold me?
Toney and the boys are at work/school today, so it’s just me and Andy (Blacklips Houlihan, Mayor McStench). After I came downstairs this morning, and was puttering around with the coffee maker, I heard lots and lots of sirens. And I immediately started imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios involving family members.
Do you do this? Or am I just unusually neurotic? Whenever somebody isn’t home, and I hear or see an ambulance, I have to text the absent person and make sure they’re OK. I’m convinced the “amba-lance” is racing to their side, and someone will eventually shout, “Bring that with us! Maybe they’ll be able to sew it back on!!”
Is that just me?
Next week I’m going into the yurt, starting on Tuesday. I rented it Tue/Wed/Thur, and tried for Fri, as well. But they’re all booked-up. I think I’ll be able to finish the latest incarnation of my “book” during that marathon session, and might be in a position to submit it (again) to my agent during the following week.
And here’s what I’m going to purchase for my three days inside the ludicrous forest hut: five gallons of water (no running water in the yurt), a pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee, a small container of milk (for the coffee), a half case of Mountain Dew, a large box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies (tradition), a family size sack of chips, and a daily footlong sub sandwich from Sheetz or Subway.
I might also buy a Mariah Carey frozen meal, in case I pull a late-nighter, and need an emergency supplement. But I don’t really like being out there late at night. I know I probably sound like a ball-baby bitch (copyright Sunshine, all rights reserved), but I’m usually the only person in the campground… it’s incredibly dark… and kinda… Blair Witch, if you know what I mean. I’m OK inside the yurt, but outside always feels like the early scenes of a horror movie, right before everything is plunged into unspeakable bloodletting and terror.
And on the following week Steve and I will be traveling to Philadelphia, to see the Eels. So, it’s a full docket, as usual. But that’s the way I like it, I now realize. And just so you’re up to date, I just sneezed seven times in a row…
The Question of the Day: Have you ever written a letter to a celebrity? If so, what happened? Did they write you back? Were you satisfied with their response? I guess we can include Twitter interactions and that sort of thing, as well, but I’m mostly thinking about actual letters through the mail. Tell us your stories in the comments section below.
Many years ago, some of you might remember, I sent an identical letter (along with a self-addressed stamped envelope) to several people I admire, and logged the results here. As you can see, most didn’t respond, the pricks. Soupy did, though! He was awesome.
Holy crap! Five of them are now dead!!
In any case, I’m thinking about repeating the experiment, and would like to get your suggestions on people to contact. Who do you think would be appropriate? Which celebs or sorta celebs should I write, and ask for an autograph? Help me out, won’t you?
I’ll be back tomorrow, with more of this hard-hitting journalism.
See ya then.
Wooohoooo
First reply to the first.
First reply to the first reply!
And so on.
Second reply to the first reply, twice removed! I think.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters..
Way to go, Funky
What exactly does a Mariah Carey frozen meal taste like? Is it just a bunch of nuts with bland filler material?
No, just a bunch of high pitched squealing.
Jeff,
Write to celebrities who’s careers are, shall we say, winding down or who are experiencing limited opportunity syndrome.
I wonder if you’d get more response that way.
I was surfing around Fark the other day and someone had posted a picture of Gil Gerard from the Buck Rogers TV show at a convention. He was asking $40 for an autographed DVD.
Through Twitter of all places, I got in contact with Ethan Suplee (Randy from My Name Is Earl, bit parts in various Kevin Smith Movies, Butterfly Effect). He recommended one of his own movies for the BadMovieFiends podcast I do. I’m always amazed at celebrities who actually act like they give even the tiniest shit about fans. Y’know, where all their boat money comes from…
PS: Yeah, it was a terrible movie. It’s called “Tyrone” or “Bad Trip” depending on the source.
Remember Suplee’s role as the (much heavier) obnoxious skinhead in American History X? A lot of folks don’t remember him because he was so much heavier then. The guy lost some substantial weight. I thought he was great in that role…
I do. He was pretty good in that role. I think people might not remember him from that movie because Edward Norton positively dominated that flick. Good catch, though!
I emailed author Robert Ellis and he was very quick to email me back with a personal note. Nice guy. One of my favorite authors. Other than that I got nuthin’.
No allergies.
No siren neuroses.
No celebrity letters. No twitter run ins with fame.
Fuck me, need a new QOD!
Just thought of one, I’ve traded correspondence via e-mail and twitter with future best selling author Jeff Kay. Does that count?
Testing the time/space thingy here. Wish me luck.
WB–I think my ‘endless loop’ theory is for the can. I tested it yesterday and I’m still here. Maybe I should have paid more attention in physics class…
Hopefully you will have better luck. If you see an evil Spock with a beard, you’ll know you’ve made it!
Nuts!
I vaguely remember writing to Simon LeBon (Duran Duran) in my early early teens. I don’t remember getting anything back.
No letters, but I did place a drunken phone call to the tavern at Woody Creek looking to talk to Hunter S. Thompson. The bartender was kind about it and said that he hadn’t come in that evening.
Maybe a nice letter to Bonnie Franklin, asking for an autograph and permission to use her name in the expression: “Sweet Sainted Mother of Bonnie Franklin”
I like that very much.
I didn’t write to him, but I met Evel Knievel and got his autograph. Such an asshole.
I once had an email exchange with Richard Roeper about a column he had written.
We went back and forth but he never did admit he was wrong.
Nice guy though.
Half case of Mountain Dew? A large box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies? Man, you eat some nasty shit. Dollars to donuts you’ve got a tiny little cancer cell in your pancreas or colon, just salivating for more of the chemicals, preservatives, fat, and sugar that you feed the little guy daily, and he grows by a few malignant cells each day. Buy about, let’s see, April of 2017 or thereabouts, that sucker’s gonna be about the size of a tennis ball, and that India-lady doctor of yours will call you in for a sit-down chat to discuss the options. I’m gonna miss you, man.
I’m just wondering how he’s going to soldier through Mountain Dew, coffee, and oatmeal creme pies without interior plumbing. Not to mention the little phobia about pooping in public places.
Swami, he’s getting his fiber with the oatmeal creme pies! LOL 8 )
Not to mention the stimulating effect of all that caffeine!
Swami: “Dollars to donuts”…my dad used to say that all the time. Thanks for the memory! O:)
Jeff: With all the Mountain Dew you’ll consume your teef will resemble the the little hicklets that invade the yurt on the weekends. But on the bright side, with all the gas you’ll be generating from the junkfood diet, you won’t have to worry about heat should it get chilly.
Thank you for the uplifting feedback, Swami. But I will be going for a caffeine and sugar fueled final sprint. That’s the reason for the special diet. Sitting around munching on a segment of clementine, like Nancy might prefer, ain’t gonna do it. I need to be cranking, and flying high on Little Debbies.
Today may be Wednesday.
Jeff, dude, get a case of el-cheapo brand beer. Some MGD or something. When I have to push on large essays or long homework assignments (research papers and whatnot) I run off of cheap all-purpose beer like a guy who runs off of cheap all-purpose beer as fuel. For some reason that still water residue keeps my brain banging on all cylinders but keeps it focused on the task. It’s like Ritalin.
Send a letter to a Congressman. I once sent a letter to every Senator and Representative in Congress, all 400-something of them, I did not get a single response; not even from my own Rep.
Scam artist spam-bots get better responses from that when they offer penis de-largerer pills.
They are the pinnacle of douchbaggery, and to get a legit response, or any response, is an impressive accomplishment.
I wrote a nice letter to actress Tina Louise aka (Ginger Grant) for a 4th grade class writing project and got a nasty look and comment from my teacher. She told me I should find someone of my own race to to write a letter to. On top of that, she gave me an F and tore the letter up in front of the class. Of course this was the 60’s so what did I know about race in the 4th grade. I didn’t even know who Martin Luther King was other that some preacher who went around stirring up good negro folks. Ah those where the days. Nothing like seperate water fountains and bathrooms to show you how “special” you were.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, Shiny. If it’s any consolation, Tina Louise got real ugly. 😉
I look at it now as the price of growing up in a most tumultuous period in American history. It didn’t change my perception of people. Just gave me something to shoot for. My kids are even more color blind than I was. I finally got payback for that teacher. I graduated Summa Cum Laude from college with 3 honor cords and a 3.9 GPA. So to that teacher, bite me!!!
Shiny Rod, I hope you know you are totally awesome.
Wasn’t “Maryann” recently arrested for pot? Maybe within the last few years or so…
2 1/2 years ago, she looks a little rough in the mugshot.
http://bumpshack.com/2008/03/11/gilligans-island-star-dawn-wells-busted-for-pot/dawn-wells-mug-shot/
Geez dude, did you grow up in Georgia?
Surprisingly, that happened in Virginia but we visited family members throughout the south from North Carolina to Texas and I remember all sorts of various race issues growing up.
I resent that-I reside in Georgia but am well traveled enough to know that there are narrow minded assholes everywhere.
@Shiny-way to show that b who’s boss.
My dad and Grandad were both Archie Bunker, so I was very aware of race at a young age.
My daughter is completely color blind. Our house looks like the UN when her friends come over to hang out. Now, I don’t even notice if the new friend that was here Friday was white, black, or Hispanic.
I have to ask “where was she sitting, did I meet her?”
Jeff, do you take a daily antihistamine? I don’t recall if you have mentioned that or not… anyway, you should. I hate taking pills and medicine in general, but I make an exception for allergies. At least with a cold, you can tough it out, knowing that there is an end in sight. With allergies, you never know what and when they will be triggered, and for how long (depending on growing seasons, travel, etc). I stay on Claritin year-round, once a day, same time, every day. My allergies are worse in the morning, so I take it at bedtime so that I am protected when I wake up. It just isn’t right to force yourself to sleepwalk like a zombie through your days! Get some Claritin and try it for at least a week (it works better once it is in your system for a while)… it will change your life.
Back when I was a little girl, I was an amazon kid… I had quite a complex about it, and even looked to celebrities for reassurance! I wrote in to “Parade” (that insert in the Sunday paper), asking about tall female celebrities. They published my letter, and responded with a bunch of names. That is probably about as close to getting a response from a celebrity as I have gotten.
p.s. I abruptly stopped growing and never quite reached 5’4″!
I almost wrote to Charlie Watts after having met him. My cousin and I were in a whacky mood and trying to close the letter “Love?” “Yours Truly?” and I blurted out the old standrad Catholic School letter closing “Yours In Christ!” We couldn’t stop laughing to ever finish the letter.
Some celebs that may be worth pursuing (in no particular order): Jeff Bridges, Judge Judy, Jim Belushi, SpongeBob SquarePants, Alex Trebek, Englebert Humperdink, Flip Wilson.
That should get you started,
I think at least one of those people are dead. Might want to google that.
Please don’t be Spongebob!
Damn, that’s right, Flip,well, flipped.
I was only kidding about Spongebob – it’s just thata guy at work has a freaking square head I always equate the two.
I’m on a very technical, geeky mailing list where one of the regulars ends his posts with “yours in christ”. I always wondered what that was about.
And plus, I’m looking at avatars and such.
.
Hm, that avatar’s not so hot. How about now?
Are we *positive* that Spongebob is alive?
.
You absolutely must include Paris Hilton. As for myself, I’ve never written to, met, or tweeted a celebrity. I probably wouldn’t recognize one if I did meet them. Just not the type to fawn all over someone else, unless they are hot babes who are doing things for me that, well, we’ll just leave it at that.
For you or to you?
The J.D. Salinger link made me click! I was thinking you go a reply. I was thinking damn, how in the hell did he manage that!
I once sent an email to the author Stuart Woods, and he responded quite nicely.
On Twitter, I made mention that Alice Hoffman was now following me, and wondered what I had to do to get @HarlanCoben to follow me as well.
He immediately followed back and thanked me for the shout out.
Brushes with greatness, not so much?
I thought I was the only person in the world with the “siren thing.” My guys (only have son and husband) are so accustomed that they answer their cells with NOT ME when they hear a siren.
I wrote Buster Crabbe (Flash Gordon in the original 1940s serials, and too many westerns to list) back when I was about 10 or 11 – he was convalescing in an elderly care home. He sent me a nice note with an autographed photo. I also wrote to Henry Hull (classic screen actor and star of “The Werewolf of London”) about 2 months before he passed away and he sent me a very nice notecard written in his own shaky, barely legible handwriting, but I cherished it. Wrote several letters to Ed “Big Daddy” Roth (certainly a celebrity in my book) in the late 80s, and he answered every one. He was a wonderful man. I’ve written to numerous Underground Comix artists over the years, and most were very generous with their time and wrote back. Even a few mainstream comic artists, like Iron Man artist supreme Bob Layton (aka the nicest guy in the fucking world), Russ Heath, George Erling, Clay Geerdes, Richard Metzger, and a few others. I once wrote Vincent Price a fan letter, and his publicist sent me a nice packet of promotional photos. I wrote lots of letters as a kid. Most of the people responded favorably.
Next time I’m wearing my “Rat Fink” t-shirt I will tip a beer in your direction Evil Twin.
Speaking of Rat Fink…If any of you are in Pittsburgh this weekend, the Rat Rod Show is at the Twin Drive-In on Rte 60 in Robinson Twp on Saturday. Some bad-ass rides if you’re into that kind of thing.
Thanx, Bikerchick! I’m only about 5-6 hours away from Pburgh, but it’s unlikely I could get up there. I think that Twin Drive-in is the sight of several old classic sci-fi movie screenings every summer – am I right?
Thax WB – I’ll tip one right back to ya!
Evil Twin: Yep..they do it every year. It used to be porn. Ahhh, those were the days….
Anyone interested in going here is the website for more info:
http://www.drifterscc.com/ShakedownSite/SteeltownShakedown.html
I’m impressed that you sent Lou Reed a letter. I’m not surprised he didn’t write back. I think he prides himself as being a major league asshole.
I’ve never had any correspondance with celebrities that I can think of, but my brother sent John Waters a high school graduation announcement. John Waters sent my brother a postcard of Divine from Pink Flamingo with the message: “Congratulations! See you in Hell.”
That’s cooler than all the autographs posted today COMBINED!!!!
Jeff, I honestly didn’t know your dog’s name was Andy. I named my kitten Andy I got a few months ago. Inspired by Toy Story 3 of course that we’d seen a few days before getting him.
The lady that sold Andy to us also told us it was a girl. So her name went from Andi to Andy. You can only imagine my surprise when the vet called last Friday when I brought her in for spaying, and said, “I’m a little confused as to why when you brought Andi in you told us it was a girl…because it’s not, it’s a boy.” I about died laughing. I thought they were playing a joke on me because they thought the name Andi was weird for a girl. But it wasn’t after all. We’d been referring to ‘her’ as ‘her’ and ‘our little girl’ for 2 months, and our ‘little girl’, was in fact, a little guy. It’s no wonder our other cat was so mad, we introduced him to him as ‘his new girlfriend’.
That was a funny day.
I wrote a letter to Oprah when I was like 11 or 12 to see if she could arrange a meeting with me and the Backstreet Boys. I laugh thinking about that now. I got a regretful decline back from her too, and I was convinced she wrote it herself because the signature soaked through the paper. I’m pretty sure I still have it somewhere. I’m aware now it wasn’t her that actually signed it.
Jeff,
I’ve actually met two of the people on your list: Crispin Glover and John Waters. Both were pretty chatty and very cool.
Back in the day, my friends and I used to amuse ourselves by writing letters to celebrities. Most of the time, we received pre-printed autographed photos with info about joining various fan clubs. I still have the ones I received from Henry “The Fonz” Winkler and “Hardy Boys” Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson. I did receive a real reply and photo from the Bionic Woman herself, Lindsay Wagner.
In the 80’s, I once wrote a letter to Robert Smith, of The Cure. I enclosed a list of questions for him, and someone from his office sent it back to me with a note, telling me that Robert himself had written the answers to my questions. Still have that somewhere…
I used to write letters to the MST3K Info Club, and received several autographed photos from the cast members. Have met them all as well over the years, and they are still really cool people.
My mother once wrote a fan letter to Paul McCartney on my behalf. She hand-delivered it to one of his band members since we were staying at the same hotel as them. About a month later, I received an autographed photo in the mail from Mr. McCartney himself. To this day, my mother won’t tell me what what she wrote in the letter…
I once left a long, rambling message on Crispin Glover’s answering machine. I got his phone number from a friend who had traded him some “ahem” gory postmortem photos, and I had some similar stuff to send him. I also inquired about his Ratcatcher’s Handbook, because I wanted to purchase one. He never responded. I never called back because I felt like I was probably buggin’ the guy…
Now, when in the hell is he gonna release his masterpiece film “WHAT IS IT?” to DVD?
Cool! Too bad you never got the “Rat Catcher” book. I don’t think it’s available anymore.
Sadly, I don’t think “What Is It?” will ever get a dvd release. Glover prefers to travel around and screen the film himself, because he wants to gauge the audiences’ reactions and discuss it with them afterward. Plus, he makes a lot more money doing it this way than he ever would through dvd sales.
Earlier this year, I saw the second film in the trilogy, “It Is Fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE.” Highly recommended…
Visit his website to see it in a theater near you:
http://www.crispinglover.com/
It’s a shame Jeff didn’t get one from Don Knotts–he was West Virginia’s #1 son!
I never sent letters to celebrities, but my granny flew out to California one time next to Johnny Cash. She didn’t know who he was from Adam, which made him kinda upset. He kept asking her, “Don’t you know who I am?” She didn’t get his autograph, but he managed to ‘borrow’ some of her tranquilizers!
My little avatar thingie looks like ‘Grimace’ from the old McDonald’s commercials…geez, how appropriate!
I just remembered – I wrote to Match Game ’74. I think I got a reply. I’ll have to dig it out of my archives.
I also wrote to a firm called Roger Cowen who were PR for the Rolling Stones during the ’89 Tour. I asked for a job. Gee, I never got hired. (I still have that letter in my archives, too).
Never wrote to anyone famous or otherwise. Met some famous folk in person a few times. Sat next to John Lee Hooker some years back at the airport. Man he was old even then.
Jeff, I like the new threaded reply feature, or whatever they call it. It’s a nice middle ground between Hairball and Regimented Forum.
Never wrote to a celebrity, but I’ve met a few.
The sirens don’t bother me, except for being noisy. Maybe it would be different if I had kids.
If I sneeze, it’s usually a serial sneeze. If I’ve been kicking up dust I might get 8 or 9 in a row, otherwise no more than three.
.
Due to my line of work, I have written numerous letters to various senators and congressman. Each one has reponded very quickly. I have also written to and had numerous exchanges with Stanton Friedman. He is a very intelligent man.
In Stephen King’s non fiction book “Danse Macabre” he mentions Vaughn Meader and says ” if you don’t know who vaughn Meader is write to me and I’ll set you straight .” 13 year-old me didn’t know who Vaughn Meader was and so I have Stephen King to that for hepping me to the fact that Vaughn Meader was the early 60’s comedian whose whole career was based on his uncanny impression of JFK. Uncle Stevie sent me a cool card, signed ( and I’d guess typed ) by him personally and he even told me to keep an eye out for his next book, “CUJO”, which would be hitting the shelves in the next few weeks.
I was really depressed back in the early 90s, and wrote to some of my favorite musicians, just for the hell of it. The only one who responded was Henry Rollins, with a very short “keep your chin up” type of note, and a CD. Everyone else can suck me.
Joe
In the early 90s, I wrote an email to Debora Iyall, co-writer and lead singer for Romeo Void, one of my favorite bands. The band was long-dissolved and Deb was living in the high desert country of south-central California.
She replied quickly and in detail. She was and is a class act.
I think Stormy once sent a telegram to Jenna Jameson.
jtb
Hey Jeff,
We need you to hurry up and finish your book because ,considering the junk food on which you exist, you might not live long enough to finish it at the rate you’re going!
An Ambulance update. This morning at 2:00 AM, I heard (for 10 full minutes) an ambulance siren blaring form one side of the reservoir, past my house and onto its destination. I live in the sticks. WHY the hell was that siren wailing? There is no traffic at 2:00 AM. Did he expect the deer and raccoons to pay heed? Damn thing kept me up for over an hour.
My Dad did a lot of driving on the air force base and pulled ambulance duty one night. He was bringing a woman in labor to the hospital a little after 3 am and when she really started screaming he panicked and put on the siren. Unfortunately, the commanding officer’s house was along the route.
Of course he also almost raised the general alarm on guard duty in the middle of the night because he thought the Japanese were attacking (it was a street sweeper). To a kid from a town of 200 people in the middle of the prairies, fresh in to the big city, it looked like some sort of big yellow tank making lots of noise, heading right towards him in the middle of the night.
I do get nervous when I’m following an ambulance or fire truck and it’s heading towards my neighborhood.
I think you should write to Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Jenna Jameson. Definitely.
My only brush with celebrity – I once rode in an elevator with Al Franken. Before he was a big-time political dude and was just a wiseass comedian. We didn’t actually speak, because I kept saying to myself “…who is that? I should know him… isn’t he on TV?”
I’ve told my Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon link before (his cousin taught a course that I took…many years ago (TCP/IP anyone??) .
That same cousin of Kevin Bacon (funny enough this guy was pretty porky… with a last name Bacon….life is cruel). invited Jerry Garcia to his wedding. He got the invitation back kindly rejected but with a nice good luck and best wishes type note and signed.
Yes I live my life vicariously,
Hehe, on a not really related note, I work at a university with a fair number of foreign students. We don’t let students pick their own user names, we have a little program to do that for us. It’s some permutation of their real name, so once in a while it gets good. One new Korean student now has the username of KINGDONG. Awesome.
No more yanky my wanky!