Shake Hands With Beef!
by lakrfool

September 2, 2008

A WHOLE BUNCH OF RANDOM SHIT & I NEED AN EXHAUST PIPE

PSA - JC PENNEY WILL NEVER BE AS COOL AS THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Rant 1

Jesus H. Thompson.

As a kid, I always felt that if I put a few months away to training
repetition, I could be the punter for the Dallas Cowboys whenever I wanted.

I had the pedigree of being one, as the 3 time reigning Punt, Pass & Kick champion in Nacogdoche,s TX from 1977-79.  Man..I really had it going on... rocking the youngest of mullets and just killing it when it was time to shine. Pops was a hoops coach, so I went that route during my high school years..bad move…I was a born quarterback from day one, but I wound up being the big cracker that could hit long distance 3’s, (had they existed at that time. Such is life).

Even when matriculating at SMU when I played my one season of basketball (‘87) as a backup during my party days, when the football program was on probation (from 88-89) I would bang off punts for my fraternity football team, while under the influence or not, and still put them in the parking lot about 60-70 yards away. I was still a “natural.” I had the motor skills from back in the day, paired with my growth,  it was no problem. In retrospect again, I should have played football instead of basketball with my 6’5”/225 frame, but hey…Al Bundy scored 4 TD’s for Polk High in one game, & that could have been ME!

So sadly, nearly  20 years later (last week), while assuming my right leg was as limber and strong as it was when I was in my early 20s. I was out with my nephews (11 & 13) with a couple of footballs chunking and kicking around the yard, and when I attempted one of my BOOMING colossal punts, it shanked horribly over the barbed wire about 20 yards away...it was end-over-end, and the one side of my ass hurt from it all, (and still does.) I kneaded my right buttock, & limped away. My mind drifted to days of towering spirals, & would be receivers shielding their eyes & racing to the end zone…nay…those were the long gone days of acid wash jeans & velcro Reeboks, like Simon LeBon trying to solve a Rubix cube.

Jayzis…even when I could land a good foot and nail a spiral, they only traveled a mere 30-35 yards. Which sucked, since I have been unemployed this year, I was planning on falling back on being the punter for the Dallas Cowboys.  Now I have to figure out another gig.

Crap.

Rant 2

Based on the age of consent map Spain is missing out on a "big" plus for tourism.

Sweet Holy Christmas.

This should be the opening line on their brochures: “When you American men are getting grey in the temples, & tired of slathering on a half tube of KY to pound that same old leathery snatch, night after night after night, with complaints about your penis size and performance (even though it's all the same, and your female partner has become a cavernous, greedy whore...) well my friend, there is a place for you.

Come to the beaches of Spain, where Catholic Schools for Girls are conveniently located next to resorts chock full of bars, hot tubs and cocaine dealers for your convenience.

Become painfully huge again at the expense of freshly developed hymens, torn fresh daily and served up open faced by the finest fathers/pimps the world has to offer.

Lay back on the beautiful native beaches and wait for still developing women, with no idea of consequence at the age of 13, will be released from school, and you can eventually buy a cabana and make a slave out of one of them. There is no greater joy than calling your 17 year old wife an "old whore" with the threat of trading them for a younger, more willing mate.

Look forward to your experience in Spain! We look forward to You  coming' here!!  Legally on the stomachs of 13 year olds!!!!"

Rant 3

THE OLYMPICS

Nice.

While watching USA hoops, my 78 year old mother, more than once, expressed her desire for LeBron James. It wasn’t in a dirty way, but any time there was a close-up of him shooting a free throw or anything else, she would nestle herself a little deeper in her recliner & comment  on how “fine looking” he was.

“…paging Mandingo…you are wanted in Wrinkle Valley.”

Okay.

I can put up with Phelps' “stylish” BS, except for the baseball cap askew thing...to me that just screams aloud from the highest peak of the Adirondicks, I AM A CONFUSED DOUCHECLOD!!

A hat can be worn frontwards, or backwards at either 12 or 6 o'clock, with a few degrees of error.

But even today if I see ANYONE rocking a hat Dr. Pepper style (10/2/4 o'clock.) I make it a point to tell the person as a public service, so that they will not continue on with the display of public assification.

This is how it usually goes:

"Hey, your hat's on crooked."

"I know." or "So what."

"OK...I just wanted to let you know so you don't walk around
looking like a total douchebag."

(Note: "Douchebag" can be substituted for "dumbass,"
"complete idiot," or "retarded faggot" depending on the
severity of the offense.)

That’s all I got for now.  Keep peepin on.

Cheers,

Elmer J. Fudd, Millionaire, Owner- Mansion, Yacht

Lakrfool32@gmail.com

http://www.myspace.com/lakrfool


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