On Friday we went to Knoebels in (as my spiritual adviser Bob Mould would put it) black sheets of rain. It was a planned event for the older Secret’s swim team, and another kid was riding with us… Otherwise we would’ve postponed it. I mean, seriously.
We drove in a torrential downpour almost the whole way, and my wipers were going so fast I was afraid they might fly off and go sailing end-over-end into the woods. And the main street in our little town was like a fast-moving creek; at one point an empty Tide bottle passed us on the right.
Toney was in constant contact with other people in our loose-knit entourage, and we were informed that traffic was stopped cold on I-81 (go figure). So we left the interstate and just started driving in the general direction of the amusement park.
This threw Penelope, our British GPS guide, into a tizzy, and she kept trying to convince us to turn around and get back on 81. But we continued, in a defiant manner, and she finally recalculated our asses to Knoebels, without using the Devil’s Parkway. And we arrived at least a half-hour before everyone else, even though we were the last to leave our house…
As is the tradition, we stopped at the bathrooms when we first got there (it’s a long drive), and some old man sidled up to the urinal next to mine. And he said, “Oh my god, this rain is going right through me. I’ve spent the whole morning in the bathroom!”
What the hell? What was he talking about?? Rain doesn’t make a person pee, does it?
The boys immediately rode several rides, in a full-on rainstorm. And within minutes I was completely soaked, my t-shirt drooping and weighing about thirty pounds.
We bought a pizza (damn good), and dried off a little, but got drenched again once the pie disappeared. It was crazy, but it’s a funny thing… After about 45 minutes of continuous bitching, I got used to it. Eventually I didn’t really even notice the rain anymore. I guess it’s possible to adapt to almost anything?
And surprisingly enough, nearly every ride remained open. The crowd was pretty light (of course), and it felt like we had the run of the place. The younger Secret and I rode the Phoenix roller coaster, got off, and right back on again. Usually we’re standing in line like a foo’ for an hour.
I know it probably sounds strange, but it wasn’t a bad day. Not at all. We had instant access to all the rides, and had a great time. I don’t think I can fully endorse the idea of visiting an amusement park in a monsoon, but it worked for us… somehow.
A few random notes from the day:
While the Secrets and their (odd) friend were on something called the Downdraft, someone’s shoe came flying off the ride and nearly hit Toney. It went sailing past her right shoulder, and ended up in some decorative foliage. I’m just glad it wasn’t a prosthetic, or a set of false teeth.
While on the Phoenix I cooked up an idea for the future… Near the beginning of the ride you go through a pitch-black tunnel for an extended period, and I’d like to someday pretend to vomit in the darkness. Maybe I could smuggle on a freezer bag full of bean with bacon soup, make puking sounds, and sling the contents over my shoulder? What do you think?
And right before the rain finally ended, we overheard a woman tell her husband, “This rain is making me go to the bathroom all the time. It’s going right through me!” What in the pearl-handled hell?! What are these people talking about?? I seriously have no idea.
Finally, my food intake for the day: three slices of pizza, a half pound of cashews, a sweet tea slushie, and two ice cream cones (chocolate/vanilla swirl, and Moose Tracks). Knoebels has great food, at decent prices, and I do my best to, um, support their efforts.
And that’s pretty much it. Are you planning any end-of-summer events? We’ve only got a few short weeks before school cranks back up again, and are going to try to squeeze in a quick trip to my parents’ house in West Virginia. We haven’t been there in a long time, and I’m fairly wracked with guilt.
What about you? Is the summer fun over, or are you just getting started? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And please remember… I’m trying something new this week: updating twice a day. So don’t forget about this morning’s update, right below this one. I also posted a review of the Long John Silver’s fish taco on Sunday, so check that one out, as well.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
#1?
now to read the post
3rd? or technically 2nd!
Yea baby!
I am not commenting at this time
I’ll take 4th. We’re racin’ in Pocono today!
2nd update for the day… I can officially get back to work now!
These double updates leave me a bit edgy. And now I feel like I have to pee.
Two ice cream cones sounds like a good start. There’s nothing better than ice cream.
Also regarding getting used to the rain, last year I ran in a 10-mile race that started in a sprinkle but by the 5 mile mark was a torrential downpour. Glad I remembered to Band-Aid the nipples – you can get used to running through an ankle-depth puddle at every turn but if those nips start chafing you’re screwed.
Top ten! Woohoo! And the 2nd one of the day, and it’s still before noon here? Strange… I’m confused.
And all you assholes in the top 10, please allow me to bump thee.
Just kidding.
I must say, ordered a wvsr shirt on 7-30 at approx 18:30 CST and it arrived today.
If I were you I’d opt for authetic vomit over the fake bean vomit trick. Get yourself a jar of mayo and mix blue food coloring into it. Eat the entire jar. Just before the ride gulp down some syrup of ipecac. When the felling hits you mutter something about haggis and then let it fly. Your instinct will be to tuck your head but don’t. Sling your head from side to side and in between vomits keep saying, “Haggis! Haggis! Oh God, Haggis!”
The blue mayo vomit will really freak people out. And they won’t be mad at you. They’ll be distracted by the haggis comment. “I didn’t know haggis was blue” they’ll say.
The blue mayo will freak people out.
It’s pretty much always summer here (it’s about 14 degrees N, whatdya expect?), but the calendar-summer June/July/August is brutal, then the rainy season comes. Actually a little early this year. So I just sit inside with the AC and work on making my ass bigger in front of the computer this time of year. November/December is the time for doing ‘vacation’ type stuff.
Here’s a tip: Campbell’s Manhattan Clam Chowder makes pretty good fake puke. Warm it up a little with a lighter under the can for best results.
Did that one with some jackass friends of mine at a college basketball game, when they turned out the lights for their douchey, Chicago Bulls-style team introduction. Comedy gold.
Watching this made life lose much of its meaning for me, so I’ll share:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUsTTePBBys
People having to pee because they’ve been rained on sounds ridiculous. But I don’t know, maybe it’s true. I can’t remember the last time I stood in the rain and got soaked. Next time it rains I’ll stand in it and I’ll let you guys know if I’m suddenly overcome with the need to piss.
Why do I think of jelly when I hear the word “Knoebels”? Is there a brand of jelly by that name?
@Jason, Maybe your thinking of the old Kerr brand canning jars, did your granny ever put up jelly? I know it is a stretch.
oh well I have to piss now.
@ Jason – Or is it Knott’s Berry Farms your thinking of. They do also have a theme park by that name.
These updates are making me have to pee.
Sounds fun! I love goofing off in the rain. We spent 4 of July ’08 at Busch Gardens in the rain. Didn’t mind the rain it didn’t slow us down at all but wet underwear are annoying.
Rain induced peeing sounds like bullshit to me.
I’m going to Las Vegas for a few days next week to visit friends. Figured I’d squeeze one last vacation in before classes start again.
One of my friends said there’s a new totally naked male strip show there. Might have to check it out 🙂
That reminds me, I saw Bruno yesterday. Anyone else see it? I probably spent a third of the movie with my hands over my eyes saying “nooo…NOOOO….that is so WRONG!”.
The theme parks I go to (Cedar Point, Michigan’s Adventure) always shut everything down if there’s even a drop of rain. Then you have to watch their lame shows.
My granny never put up jelly, but she did share a lot of marijuana-pot with us boys once we got older. I’m sure she’s stoned right now. She loves to smoke weed and watch “The Price is Right”.
just a quick question…. did you see people standing around in the rain with their mouths open and their heads tilted back? might explain the comments….
My wife is a nurse and the other day she went in to check on a guy that had just had heart surgery. He was still dazed from the drugs and was wearing an oxygen mask. He kept asking her, “Are my testicles black?” Over and over. “Are my testicles black?” So too keep him from getting to worked up about it and upsetting his heart she lifted his gown and pulled his penis to the side and checked his balls. He started to get an erection so she let go of his penis and told him, “Your testicles are perfectly normal sir. No try to get some rest.”
And he pulled his oxygen mask to the side and said, “That’s very nice but I don’t think you understood me. Listen carefully: Are-My-Test-Results-Back?”
Badoom ching!
Who was it that liked the pus video? Here’s a gross one that someone posted a link to on Facebook today.
Warning: it’s really really disgusting
http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/7/horrible-cyst-832019.html
Good gosh almighty! Three, count ’em Three new updates today!!
Wooohoooo!
Thanks Jeff!
That was me that posted the other cyst video. This one’s even grosser. I like how the girls are gagging in this one.
@Garrett
I didn’t even have the speakers on. The video was enough!!!
NDfaninAZ – I’m the one who likes the zit vids. That was a great one, but I think I found my favorite of all time the other day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYtmcDri27w
@NDfan: After watching the one that ETW posted, I just didn’t have to stomach to watch another one. I think I’ll just read the reviews of it in the comments section.
My life is so boring I will take all the up dates you got. Gives me an excuse to play with my new iPhone.
A reference to the earlier post-for us not so old timers how about a refresher course on Jeff-isms?? Like how come Poppa Halfshirt is Poppa Halfshirt??
The people who have to pee from being in the rain are the ones whose mothers potty trained them by sitting them on the pot and running water in the sink. The idea was that they would hear the water running and want to do the same thing. (some old wives tale or something, but apparently it worked for them…too well)
And while we’re speaking of having to pee…what happened with the bathroom remodel? Is it functional again? Inquiring minds want to know!
Summer fun… I have had none… my whole family has been at the beach house for the past 10 days and I’ve been working. I’m going to be on a business trip next week in the mid-west… corn.
My year should start shaping up in September, though. I’m going to head to Curacao and go diving in about 6 weeks if the Department of State renews my passport in time.
@ETW
Wow, that one turned my stomach.
Exactly. That’s why I couldn’t watch yours.
I don’t mind rain. I’ll work in the rain, I’ll hike in the rain, I’ll ride (horse) in the rain, the dog gets wet in the rain. Love it…Love it. I get wet…I get dry. I’m not a fool about lightning though which I get a lot of here too. I like rain!
Glad you guys had a blast in the rain…big deal…rain.
that’s funny. I went to Disney world for some HS thing years ago. On the first night in the hotel room, someone broke out these two huge plastic sacks with necks. It was some medical thing like a Sam’s club sized colostomy bag that was clear, had a spout, and held roughly two gallons. We mixed some “up chuck” using oatmeal, tomato soup and pop, then rolled and taped the top with weak tape. The next day we went straight to this ride where you ride about 10 -15 people in a cart around inside of this “haunted” building, then free fall for several seconds before stopping, and going back up for a second fall. The gig goes that the fat girl in our group would sit on one corner of the back, then two people with fat looking baggy clothes would sit in the back row. When the cart fell the first time, the girl let lose this huge hurtle of a roar like she was losing her whole intestinal track. At the same time assailant number one would squeeze there stomach with the bag inside, the neck would come un-taped and roll up along their throat blasting the chum out from under their chin in a column straight up above the cart. When the free fall ended, the brakes would kick on and the “puke” moving at a slower rate of fall, would rain down on the car. Chaos would ensue, but the operator just thought it was the people screaming from the ride. Second trip, same thing from the other guy. After we got off, they shut down the ride due to “electrical problems”. The best part was the line of pissed off people at the photo both afterward and the guys later that night on the bus home stinking of “puke”. Of course now I’d never condone such an act 😉
As a kid, I always wondered why all the “good” rides had a garden hose next to them. Now I know.
Summer is almost over and it sucks… I am jealous that Wally gets to go on a float trip this weekend and I have to work. But I am on a sand volleyball team on Sundays which is just an excuse to get wasted and be outside!
I’m not even in the running!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Morning Surf Reporters….
@Sam in Rochester – I believe that ride is the Tower of Terror. Fun with physics while shitting a kitten.
@DTO – Amen, a little rain never hurt anyone, but lightning will fuck you up something fierce.
Summer fun? Sorry no not in a long time, especially THIS summer. Cripes it’s almost over anyway. Hard to believe.
@ junkfood – There is something better than ice cream. Ice cream on a warm chocolate brownie. There is nothing better than that.
@ Everyone. Go visit the Blond Godess’s site and give here some love. Right now. Before I have to come over there….
@ Taiwan On – Already did, I left her some encouraging words. She has always been a dear friend and a sweet heart to me and this is the least I could do.
Oh, don’t nothing beat french vanilla ice cream on warm strudel. To bad I don’t know any one who can make me strudel. I would marry her in a minute. I would treat her like a queen. I would give her all my mon…Whoa WTF?
Please don’t say ‘end of summer fun’, as it hasn’t even started here yet!
Its like the summer looked outside and said ‘Fuck that, we’ll start when the rain goes off!’
I know I should be used to rain, living in the northern extremes of the UK, and I seem to remember Billy Conolly saying ‘there’s no such thing as bad weather, just wrong clothing!’, but until I develop gills, staying dry is still the preffered option for me.
‘Please Lord, I promise to be good and recycle and everything, but please can I have summer back please?’
Oh yeah. WTF is a ‘sweet tea slushie’?
Hate getting caught in the rain while riding. Rain suits or not…it hurts like hell. Feels like little daggers hitting your face… and if you’re wearing regular sunglasses (not goggles that make you look like your tunneling to the core of the earth) they fill up with water. It’s a real hoot.
Visited the Blonde Godess’s site…hilarious…
Jeff – had to send this your way…not sure if you already saw it. Were you invited to the wedding?
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-woman-to-wed-fairground-ride/