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Keep It Simple: If Obituaries Only Listed the Dearly Departed’s “Thing”

February 22, 2013 By Jeff 105 Comments

Obit 1(2) James R. Landry
Brash, because he grew up in Boston.

 

Obit6(1)Lawrence Kessler
Smoked his own meats.

 

Obit2(2)Robert L. Caldwell
Knew how to work the system.

 

Obit5David K. Mosher
A Budweiser man.

 

Obit 3(1)Anna Garvey
Owned many items emblazoned with the image of an owl.

 

Obit4(1)Albert J. Hubbard
“There’s no such thing as too spicy.”

 

Obit14Allison Lundy
Strong advocate of the all-inclusive resort.


Obit15Judy Masters

Had many surgeries.

 

Obit7Bernard L. Peet
Heroically ignored grammar rules.

 

Obit8Timothy Canfield
Nostalgic for the era of the “full bush.”

 

Obit9Harold Cottrell
Never shit at work.

 

Obit13Paul Granville
Tried out for the Kansas City Royals.


Obit16Maria Martel

Ate whatever she wanted.

 

Obit11Edward J. Stearns
Always punctual.

 

Obit17Edith Stark
Owned several pit bulls,  referred to them as “big babies.”

 

Obit18Delores McDonnell
A lesbian with a sense of humor.

 

Obit12Albert L. Powell
Whittled.

.

What would be your “thing”-only obituary?  How about your co-workers?  Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again on Monday!

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Shawn says

    February 22, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Master booger hooker.

    Reply
  2. chill says

    February 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Fault finder.
    .

    Reply
  3. Alex says

    February 22, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Lead Foot

    Reply
  4. The Qweezy Mark says

    February 22, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    Always hung his junk to the left of the inseam (his left).

    Reply
  5. dto says

    February 22, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Kenny Lukens….Adimitted faliure

    Reply
    • dto says

      February 22, 2013 at 9:05 pm

      Steve Winslow…invented the edit button.

      Reply
  6. dto says

    February 22, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Rose Messler…bowler

    Reply
  7. Misselle says

    February 22, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    tits like a porn star, food sensibilities like an old lady, sense of humor like a 12-year-old boy.

    Reply
  8. johnthebasket says

    February 23, 2013 at 3:34 am

    He was born to rest.

    Reply
  9. johnthebasket says

    February 23, 2013 at 3:36 am

    Meticulous newspaper reader.

    Reply
  10. Westersteve says

    February 23, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Always took the wrong road…always

    Reply
  11. DaveF says

    February 23, 2013 at 10:15 am

    George Aikens- Stay off his lawn

    Reply
  12. Clueless says

    February 23, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Born-again porn collector

    Reply
  13. Emily says

    February 23, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Put a bird on it.

    Reply
  14. hardoxdan says

    February 24, 2013 at 1:22 am

    Born without the filter between his brain and his mouth.

    Reply
  15. johnthebasket says

    February 24, 2013 at 4:55 am

    He could sew like a motherfucker.

    Reply
  16. Phil Jett says

    February 24, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Never followed or rooted for a championship sports team.

    Reply
  17. Jersey Scott says

    February 24, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Craig Winslow: The “Strong, Silent Type”, but more silent than strong.

    Reply
  18. dto says

    February 24, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Andrew Wheatly…Designed tin foil hats.

    Reply
  19. dto says

    February 24, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Betty Welcher…Lived to knit.

    Reply
  20. Jason says

    February 24, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Used his metal detector to find three process coins – that turned out to be worthless.

    Reply
    • Jason says

      February 24, 2013 at 7:13 pm

      Priceless.

      Reply
  21. Jason says

    February 24, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    He’d go to out-of-town Denny’s and claim it was his birthday for a free meal.

    Reply
  22. Jason says

    February 24, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    He’d walk into hotels as if he’d stayed there and eat a their breakfast buffets.

    Reply
  23. dto says

    February 24, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    David Goodwin…Mensa member. Collected hammers.

    Reply
  24. dto says

    February 24, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Carol Winslow…Competed in the “Betty Crocker Bake Off” for 35 years.

    Reply
  25. Lucie in Tampa says

    February 25, 2013 at 9:09 am

    A TRUE FAN OF “SUNDAY BRUNCH W/ MIMOSA’S”

    Reply
  26. icecycle66 says

    February 25, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Had uncomfortable pants.

    Reply
  27. Jason says

    February 25, 2013 at 11:12 am

    He was a scholar and an asshole.

    Reply
  28. Kevindust says

    February 25, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Backed into parking spaces.

    Dipped french fries in mayonaise.

    Reply
  29. T-STORM says

    February 25, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Foot so fucked up he used baby seals as shoes.

    Reply
  30. JFC says

    February 25, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Chuck – never cared about expiration dates

    Reply
  31. hardoxdan says

    February 25, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    His hobby was complaining about the weather.

    Reply
  32. T-STORM says

    February 25, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! …….And he hated irony!

    Reply
  33. dto says

    February 25, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Jerry Paulson…Retired letter carrier who always quipped, “I push the envelope”. Found beaten to death in the dead letter bin.

    Reply
  34. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Liked to brag that size really doesn’t matter.

    Reply
  35. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Hated trees and drove a hatchback with a pipe in the back seat to hold the hatchback up.

    Reply
  36. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Shopped at Cracker Barrel.

    Reply
  37. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Once won $50,000 on a scratch off then promptly destroyed it with his lighter because “fuck the thieves at the lottery”. Then bought ten more tickets.

    Reply
  38. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Mailed 733 death threats to Roy Orbison without ever getting caught. The treats continued until his death ( Not Orbison’s death, Jim’s death, last December).

    Reply
  39. T Farty McAppleass says

    February 25, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Would hound disappointing kareoky singers until closing time, and sometimes followed them home.

    Reply
  40. W says

    April 12, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Only one who liked anchovies on his pizza.

    Reply
  41. Uncle Goo says

    April 12, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Ten column inches.

    Reply
    • chill says

      April 12, 2013 at 7:51 pm

      Durutti, or regular?
      .

      Reply
  42. Ozzie Bucco says

    April 13, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Milt Jenkins – had high blood pressure and low self esteem.

    Reply
  43. Joel says

    April 19, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    Taco enthusiast.

    Reply
  44. Stoney says

    May 17, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Believed in true love. Otherwise had good judgment.

    Reply
  45. Stoney says

    May 17, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Still has a TV antenna.

    Reply
  46. Gin says

    September 2, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    Moved five times to keep ahead of his reputation

    Reply
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