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I’ve Got GPS Voices In My Head!

January 2, 2009 By Jeff 82 Comments

beartrap1Back in October, I think, Toney and I purchased a GPS device, as an early Christmas present to ourselves. We’d been considering one for a long time, and had performed the standard assload of advance research.

We wanted one that actually tells us the street names and exit numbers. “Turn left in .6 miles” is a recipe for confusion and shouted profanity, I believe. Especially if you’re driving in a city, with many left turns to choose from. Point six miles? What am I, a surveyor?

And we needed one which covers Canada, for our occasional Nancy visits. Many of the less-expensive models only work in the “lower 48” and Puerto Rico (for some reason). That simply wouldn’t do.

We also had a bias toward the Garmin brand. I think one of us read in Consumer Reports they’re the best, and that’s all we needed to know. We would have to buy a Garmin.

So, we had our short list of requirements, and eventually zeroed-in on this particular model. It seemed to be the system with the lowest price point, which does everything we wanted it to do. Now it would just be a matter of watching the sales every Sunday, and being prepared to strike.

Target had it for $250 at the time, and that’s what we used as our reference. When Circuit City advertised it for $199, we almost took the bait. But I thought we could do better, and decided to gamble. And it paid off. A few weeks later they offered it for $179, so we pulled the trigger.

And yesterday, almost two months later, we finally took it out of the box… Perhaps we didn’t really need a GPS, after all? Probably not, but that’s not really the point, is it? Gadget fever had taken hold and, mister, a person would be wise not to fight gadget fever.

I wanted to go to Barnes & Noble in Wilkes-Barre yesterday, and Toney decided to let the “new” GPS guide us. Of course we didn’t need its help, but wanted to see the thing in action. Before we left the house Toney plugged-in the store’s address, and we were off.

A British woman was our guide, and she immediately told us to enter the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Why? MapQuest does that, as well. If I pulled up directions to the Rite-Aid near our house, MapQuest would tell us to merge onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, drive to the first exit, get off, get back on traveling in the opposite direction, and come back to where we started. Then go to Rite-Aid from there.

So, I ignored her advice and she let out an exasperated, “Recalculating!”

Before we’d driven half a mile, Toney noticed it wasn’t giving us street names. It was doing that “250 yards” crapola, which is exactly what we didn’t want. What the hell, man?! No way our research could be wrong. We’d been fully Matchstick Men with it.

Beyond that, however, it worked well. It took us right up to the front door of the bookstore. And while we were driving Toney could push buttons and find out what restaurants were nearby, as well as gas stations, ATMs, and other places of interest. Pretty cool.

But the lack of street names was a big deal. It gnawed at me, and caused me to squint ‘n’ mumble. We’d been sure. Sure, I tell you!!

After we got home Toney started reading the user’s manual, and found out street names and exit numbers are only available with certain “voices.” We’d gone with a generic British voice, but if we’d chosen “British Pamela” or “British Brad,” or whatever, we would’ve gotten the street names. The generic categories are limited, for some reason.

Weird. Toney chose Pamela, and went out in the car to see if it would work. And it did.

I don’t really understand… Why would they offer categories of “voices” with limited functionality? And what’s the difference between “British male,” and “British Brad”? It makes no sense to me. Does Garmin build-in confusion, to keep their help desk busy? I simply don’t know.

But we (Toney) figured it out, and that’s the important thing. Apparently we’ve got a specific male and female to choose from, one each from America, England, and Australia. Those are our English-speaking options.

I wish they’d get a little more creative with it, if you want to know the truth. It’s a tad limited for my tastes. Perhaps we can help? Maybe we can brainstorm and come up with a few additional voices to spice up the Garmin family of GPS devices?

Want to offer our services? Excellent. I’ll get the ball rolling with a few suggestions of my own, and you folks can take it from there.

Here are some GPS voices I wish were an option:

  • Sassy black woman
  • Old Southern Senator
  • ‘80s metal falsetto
  • Billy Mays
  • the Xhosa click language
  • electronic hick who makes announcements on Atlanta subway
  • Waffle House waitress (“Turn left, hon”)
  • Droopy
  • Obese man with fat pressing against his windpipe
  • Chinese national using an ElectroLarynx
  • small market DJ doing a Jack Nicholson imitation
  • man with his foot caught in a bear trap
  • Dairy Queen drive-through
  • if Barry White had been from Minnesota

Those are just a few off the top of my head; I’m sure you guys can do much better. Use the comments link below, and maybe we can fix this ongoing problem, once and for all?!

See ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker.

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. The Qweezy Mark says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    .&^%$#@!

    Reply
  2. TMM says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Hello?

    Reply
  3. zarko says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    tre ???

    Reply
  4. Joe T. says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    That Qweezy Mark is good…or not very busy.

    How about the Dick Clark Garmin voice? “Hurn eft in five unnerd feeh.”

    Reply
  5. cashoe says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Jeff, I hate to tell you, but one of your reccomendations let me down. Tuesday night the girlfriend & I visited Moe’s.

    To us it was salty beyond belief, and the girlfriend puts extra extra salt on everything. We witnessed them dropping a 20lb plastic sack of marinated “beef” on the grill, whereupon it sat and steamed and gave off a sickly orange grease-fluid that dripped over the edge of the grill like some kind of demonic metal-oxide afterbirth. I can honestly say i’ve only seen the particular color orange in leaching ponds from old mines.

    The “queso” was a cup o warm white american cheese with salt and a few forlorn and ineffective peppers thrown in.

    I had high hopes for the salsa bar, after all, you almost never see green tomatillo salsa around here. But again, it all tasted like it came from an industrial size can of indifferent quality. Oh, and it was overly salty too.

    I am more than willing to concede that there are much better burrito places than Pancheros out there, but locally, to me at least it sure beats the hell outta moe’s.

    Reply
  6. TMM says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Jeff, Be sure to connect your Garmin to your computer and check for updates on their website. I did when I bought mine and there was a really big map update.

    Reply
  7. Alex says

    January 2, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Google will bring up an egg-plant load of voices for you to choose from. Bet you’ll find one of your preferences listed.

    Reply
  8. Oral Roberts says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Ozzy Osborne
    The Sham Wow guy (we can’t do this all day)
    Sam Kennison
    Andrew Dice Clay
    Fat Albert
    Robert De Niro
    ‘Bobcat’ Goldthwait
    Pee Wee Herman

    Reply
  9. JCIII says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……..

    how about the voice of someone who uses an electronic voice box due to esophageal cancer? Or, what my friend likes to call the “cancer kazoo”?

    Reply
  10. Kelly says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Love the Billy Mays suggestion. I think I will go with that one.

    About a month ago I was sitting on the sofa in my own
    little world when my husband came around the corner
    screaming… BILLY MAYS HERE!!!
    I thought I was going to die laughing.

    I’m laughing right now just thinking about it.

    Reply
  11. vegasrandall says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    foghorn leghorn would suit me

    Reply
  12. Kelly says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    how about Leah Remini…

    “you missed your fuckin’ turn asshole”

    Reply
  13. JWhiskey says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Adam Sandler from the track “Do It For Your Mama” on the What The Hell Happened To Me album. That’s the voice I’d want to hear

    Reply
  14. ashton says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    How about a Rod Serling GPS voice?

    you are now entering…. Interstate 84…

    Reply
  15. ashton says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    And of course, Phil Hendrie does GPS..

    Reply
  16. JCIII says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    oops, sorry. Totally missed the “ElectroLarynx’ submission by JK. He even mixed in a Chinese national to boot.

    Reply
  17. Wisey says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Joe T, that was hilarious. Terribe, but hilarious.

    Reply
  18. bennigan's nazi says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    One word: Buck.

    My brain cannot process Minnesota’s Barry White…

    Reply
  19. Misselle says

    January 2, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Denis Leary would be funny too, as would 10 year old kid with a lisp, Rue Paul, and the “little person” from Fantasy Island…..

    Reply
  20. Jason says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Paul Lynde. He was the guy that did the voice of Sylvester Sneakly (The Hooded Claw) in The Perils of Penelope Pitstop. And he also played “Uncle Arthur” on Bewitched.

    James Earl Jones.

    The guy from “Slingblade” played by Billy Bob Thornton.

    There’s a guy that I met at a New Year’s Eve party that would be a good one. I don’t know how to describe his voice. It was very scratchy and skipped over several letters at a time. But I think he might be an asshole because he claimed to be able to tell the color of M&M’s based on the taste. Nonsense.

    Reply
  21. Larry says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    eeyore

    Reply
  22. Gretchen says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Yoda

    Alex Trebek

    Joe Paterno

    Tag team of John Madden (on a turducken bender) and Chris Berman

    Eric Cartman

    Porky Pig

    Speedy Gonzales

    Captain Caveman

    Thurston Howell the Third

    Reply
  23. Shiny Rod says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Al Pacino – “Say hello to my little friend”
    Sarah Palin – “You can see Russia from my backyard”
    Madea – Tyler Perry character (Sassy Black Woman)
    50 Cent – Turn right at the 40 bottle
    Snoop Dogg
    Eddie Murphy
    Optimus Prime

    Reply
  24. Gretchen says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Is that old school or new school Optimus Prime, Shiny Rod?

    Reply
  25. Shiny Rod says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Oh and Gordon Ramsey …

    Reply
  26. Raleigh Polly says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    I’ve had this discussion before. Samuel L from “Pulp Fiction” was the consensus at the time. Personally, I’m still holding out for the “Man from Another Place” (Twin Peaks, the Black Lodge). I heard that for a while after the series was canceled, the out of work actor would record your answering machine message in his odd reversed speaking if you sent him a little cassette and some money.

    Reply
  27. Jersey Scott says

    January 2, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Jeff – What’s with your “Matchstick Men” reference ? I only know this phrase from Camper Van Beethoven’s song “Pictures of Matchstick Men: and the Nicholas Cage movie called “Matchstick Men” — neither context fits your use of it.

    A friend of mine has GPS — not sure which manufacturer — and if you pay extra you can get John Cleese giving you directions. Imagine … Basil Fawlty as your navigator !

    Reply
  28. clintcurtis says

    January 2, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Hey guys!!!! I finally made it out of Nome, Alaska and am sitting here typing this from St. Mary’s, West Virginia! Totally great to be back in the Motherland!

    Not actually a Garmin voice suggestion…but more of a comment on our government in action. About 5 years ago I was down here in St. Mary’s, WV and there was a tornado warning broadcast over the National Weather Service warning system on all the radio stations. The voice the weather service used was some automated German voice that was very hard to decipher…something akin to “Achtung! Der tornado das verbotten. Go to der bunkerz now!” It just struck me as a totally weird choice of automated voices to use…especially for here in WV.

    Reply
  29. Ederoo says

    January 2, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    How about Larry Flynt?

    Reply
  30. Ederoo says

    January 2, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    Or Elephant Man.

    Reply
  31. Gretchen says

    January 2, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Oh yeah, Garmin should do some of the freaky voices from the numbers stations!!

    Reply
  32. uncle_wedgie says

    January 2, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Hairlip Cajun

    Tagalog tranny

    Reply
  33. D in Seattle says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    William Shatner doing spoken word.

    I agree with Jersey Scott, Basil Fawlty would be hillarious.

    clintcurtis, I think technically you’re back in the fatherland. Perhaps being in Nome put you a little too close to the motherland, and some of that pinko propaganda wore off on you. Or you’re a soviet spy, who is slowly but surely attempting to infiltrate the good ol’ US of A (aka the fatherland) through an insidious cyber-terror plot starting with the WVSR. I think I shall be contacting my congressman forthwith…

    Reply
  34. Misselle says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Heh heh… Gordon Ramsey. “Turn left, you donkey!!!”

    Reply
  35. WVKay says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Barney Fife
    Lewis Black
    Steve Irwin
    Scarlett O’Hara
    Betty Boop
    Sally Kellerman

    Reply
  36. DTO says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Ben Stein
    Vin Scully
    Gilbert Gottgried
    Marcel Marceau

    Reply
  37. DTO says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Gottfried…crapcrapcrap.

    Reply
  38. Hope says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Already mentioned is the Sham Wow guy, but have you heard his new commercial? He has one for Shop Chop and proudly exclaims “You are going to love my nuts” the chops up some peanuts as the camerman goes in for a closeup. Brilliant.

    I’m curious how high the volume would be to hear Marcel Marceau?

    Reply
  39. girlgoyle says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    i’ve had my garmin for about a year. My SO hacked it so I got the street names and speed cameras. Having used it on frequent business trips I want a hack that gets annoyed with you when you miss your turn three times. Something like “I said Left you bloody dolt”

    Meanwhile across the pond their GPS units can comment on your driving “My that was a little fast”, “You took that corner too quickly”

    Reply
  40. Good2go says

    January 2, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    I believe TomTom navigators have celebrity voices like John Cleese and Mr. T.

    Reply
  41. renn says

    January 2, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    Angry New Yorker with Tourette’s

    Southern Baptist Preacher

    “Down East” lobster man on a really good drunk

    Reply
  42. renn says

    January 2, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    Brit Hume (Where are you going? TAKE ME HOME. *Sigh*)

    Reply
  43. nick says

    January 2, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Yeah, my friend has a GPS unit, and we were driving around with Sean Connery giving us directions. Amazing.

    I’d really want Don LaFontaine though.

    “In a world… where you want Starbucks… turn left in 200 yards.”

    Reply
  44. Kelly says

    January 2, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Smoking fish sighting at a Port Huron, MI Icehawks IHL game.
    just click on my name.
    it was takin’ tonight at the game

    Reply
  45. ashton says

    January 3, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Larry the Cable Guy

    Reply
  46. joseph says

    January 3, 2009 at 2:07 am

    For some reason this post tripped my nerd wire and I wanted to go on a wild rant explaining why only certain voices might be able to say hundreds of thousands of street names while others can only do the relatively few distances, but I won’t. Just be careful, don’t become Andy Rooney. Hey, that’d be a good one, Andy Rooney.

    Reply
  47. tiff says

    January 3, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Granny missing upper denture plate
    Foster Grant
    Fat Albert
    Buzz Saw Louie
    Nigella Lawson, wrapped in gauze, speaking with a mouthful of beurre blanc (because, you just know somebody would listen to it)
    Death. He’d have to speak in all caps though.

    The Marcel Marceau comment made me giggle out loud. Well done!

    Reply
  48. Alex says

    January 3, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Both my handheld GPS’ come pre-packaged with the Marcel Marceau option…

    Reply
  49. Dave says

    January 3, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    I won’t use the British voices on my Garmin. They usually want you to drive on the wrong side of the road.

    Reply
  50. Mike says

    January 3, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Fred Sanford
    Sylvester the Cat
    Yosemite Sam
    Dr. Frank N Furter from Rocky Horror
    James Lipton
    Foghorn Leghorn
    Speedy Gonzalez

    Reply
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