People who say they LOVE hot weather (“the hotter, the better!”) can kiss my big riffled ass. I think my core is about to melt down. This is the absolute worst: hot and sticky, with a demoralizing haze… God, how I hate it. I’d take snow up to the windows, over this crap, any day of the week. Sweet sainted mother of Ted McGinley! I feel like I’m in the devil’s pee hole.
Steve and I made it to Cleveland and back, but it was touch and go. We barely averted three separate wrecks on our drive home yesterday, and I think that, because of all the furious clenching, I bruised my sphincter. It was a good trip, though. I’ll post a full report, with photos, on Monday afternoon. Here’s a sneak preview, to whet your appetite.
About a month ago I scheduled two free days for CROSSROADS ROAD in the Kindle Store, and completely forgot about it. I looked at the report today, and saw a bunch of freebie downloads, and thought, “Oh, shit! That starts today, doesn’t it?” So, I guess I’d better promote it a bit?
I mentioned it at Twitter and Facebook, and now here. If you know someone with a Kindle, who might share our questionable outlooks, please let ‘em know. The book will be free Friday and Saturday only, and I probably won’t do it again. At least not anytime soon.
During the last Friday/Saturday freebie extravaganza more than 17,000 people downloaded the thing. It was pretty amazing. It’s not going to be anywhere near that number this go ‘round, but I’m hoping for a few extra thousand copies in circulation.
At this point, I just want people to read it. I like to see the reactions of folks who don’t know anything about us, or this website. It’s an interesting sociological exercise. The ones who make it past Sue falling off a toilet in the first chapter, really seem to like it. But that scene acts as a filter of sorts, and I believe they should thank me for putting it so close to the beginning. Right? Right.
UPDATE: I just saw this. Number One, in a super-obscure niche category! Hell, yeah.
And I checked the traffic stats last night, and saw a bunch of visitors coming here from MSNBC.com. This is the page; they linked to Ads vs. Reality. NBC news, linking to photos of some of my old lunches… I couldn’t be prouder. And Mrs. Wagner said I’d never amount to anything. Take that, bitch!
At Twitter, Tom Scharpling linked to this page about some shoes designed by the mournful singer in Bon Iver. I think he wrote something along the lines of “Retweet this, if you believe in freedom!” And since I do believe in it, I retweeted it. But I added, “WTF? I’m holding out for the Steve Forbert fishing boots.”
And a few days later, Steve Forbert himself retweeted my message. Heh. Sometimes I forget the internet is, you know… public.
I’m exhausted, partly because of the heat, and have had three messed-up weekends in a row. I crave normalcy. Unless something goes askew, though, everything should be smooth sailing from here on out. I feel like my life is in disarray, and it makes me crazy. I need some semblance of order, or I experience low-grade panic.
It’s probably a form of OCD. But thankfully I’m not as bad as a guy I used to know. He had a massive music collection, and kept his CDs in perfect order. They were arranged alphabetically, and also by original release date, within each artist’s section. None of that is too weird (I hope – since that’s the way I do it, too), however… there’s more to the story.
He would also listen in order. Know what I mean? There was never any spontaneity, he just worked his way down the line, and listened to what came next. And if he stopped halfway through an album, that’s where he’d have to start the next time. He would just continuously work his way through his collection, alphabetically. If he bought something new, he couldn’t listen to it, until he got there.
Do you know anyone with these kinds of strange OCD habits? If so, please tell us about it. Use the comments link below.
And finally, I tried the Burger King bacon sundae last week. I was going to write a full-blown review of it, but there’s not much to say. Here’s a photo of it, before I dug in.
To tell you the truth, I’m feeling a bit manipulated. These fast food places keep coming up with outrageous menu items, because they know it will rampage through the internet, and they’ll receive massive free publicity. In most cases, it’s not a genuine attempt at a real addition to the menu. It’s just goofiness, to get Twitter and the blogs a-buzzin’. And that’s why I went into it with a pronounced lack of enthusiasm.
It wasn’t bad, though. It reminded me of the Peanut Buster Parfait, at Dairy Queen. The crumbled bacon is really salty, like the peanuts in the parfait, and it goes well with chocolate syrup. I enjoyed it, and the big strip of meat sticking out of the top was pretty good, too. Very crispy.
On paper it seems crazy: bacon and ice cream. But it didn’t seem weird inside my mouth, it felt like a longtime favorite. It cost $2.69, which is a bit pricey, I think. But I liked it. I recommend it, if you’re so inclined. It’s nothing spectacular, but definitely not bad.
I made a tactical error, though. I drank a Dr. Pepper while driving to work, just a few minutes after I polished off the bacon sundae. And the two didn’t play well together, inside my gut. I felt like I was about to blast it out both ends. But I can’t blame that on the sundae; it was CLEARLY pilot error.
Have you had the bacon sundae yet? If so, I’d like to know what you thought about it. Please drop your review into the comments section below.
And I’ll be back on Monday, with a full report on the Cleveland trip. We saw some baseball… the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame… and another off-the-wall attraction which I’ll tell you about next time.
Have a great weekend, my friends!
I’ll see you in a couple of days.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
I fell for the Double down and a Bacon milkeshake (pretty good, I’ll repost my review of that later).
I don’t like ice cream in solid form, so I doubt I’ll try the sunday.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Some people call themselves OCD as if it’s some kind of bizarre badge of pride. But most people who trumpet that they have OCD are full of shit. They want others to think of them as organized and meticulous, but they’re really fucking slobs for the most part.
This goddamn heat, I hate it too. I’m in the deep souff, where it’s hotter than hell today. There’s a few twirpy idiots talking about how nice it is outside. Honestly, it hurts to breath in that hot ass air. God, come on Fall!
My wife makes chocolate covered bacon for me at home. Lots of people think it’s absurd, but it’s really good. Haven’t tried the Bacon Sunday yet.
I agree. Anyone who says they are ocd are usually just an a s s.
I sort of listen to music that way.
I could never handle the iPod shuffle or whatever it is called.
Bill in WV says
I have a massive music collection as well, lots of LP’s, 45’s, cassettes and CD’s – thousands of tunes. I listen to them in song order. It’s a bitch, but keeps me from going off the deep end on my shithead next door neighbor.
I knew a guy who had to have the top, the third and I think the 6th button buttoned after his shirts were ironed. And he wonders why his wife left him because he expected HER to adhere to this rule and do it for him. I would have pressed his scrotum.
We’re about to get hit with a kick ass thunderstorm. I’m north of and a lightning bolt just hit the top of the Empire State Building.
I just want some blessed relief fromt he humidity. i want to see the mercury plummet 40 degrees.
I think i posted this before, but it’s close enough to what we are talking about.
REVIEW: Jack in the Box Bacon Shake
February 3, 2012 at 1:19 PM
I was also told that they could not mix the bacon bits in. The over excited girl in a hat behind the counter told me that they couldn’t mix the bacon in because, since they use real ice cream, the milkshake mixer would transfer bacon to other milkshakes. I don’t buy it; wash the damn spinner blades off. But, whatever… wait a minute, just dump the bacon bits on top like the whipped cream. I ordered a side of bacon or $0.78 and dumped it in myself.
The milkshake itself reminded me of when I eat fake maple syrup with my bacon; you know, like when you get a pancake platter and the syrup gets all over the pork meat. There is no discernable maple flavor, just that similar sweetness of your generic “Pancake/Waffle” syrup that is usually made from corn.
It was pleasant, and strangely refreshing. I recommend not getting the whipped cream though. As it melted and mixed in with the milkshake, the liquid smoke flavor of the bacon syrup faded and I was left with a breakfasty sweet vanilla milkshake.
I also recommend leaving the bacon bits out. While providing a cool and satisfying chew along with the smoky flavor of the shake, they created frequent and frustratingly infuriating straw clogging. I think the JITB R&D team probably knew that well before I did.
Also, since I am writing this with my bear butt hanging off the rail of my third floor apartment patio thingy and expelling a rancid mix of what can only be feces and lava straight from hell, I think I just discovered that I have a lactose intolerance.
Hey Jeff – if you want another different, yet great tasting experience, make a hamburger and top it with bacon, peanut butter and strawberry jam. It’s amazing! I find it is best with a high quality burger cooked medium well (I don’t like when blood and PB mix) and think cut bacon. Wash it down with a wheat beer and you’ll be in heaven.
I would rather try a blue cheese milkshake. Or a SPAM Daiquiri.
I know it sounds bad, but give it a shot. Here’s the first place I ever had it (it’s the 8th one down):
I see that one of the msnbc links is to a site that just recycled your pictures. At least they did give you credit.
I gotta say it…….. I love the heat! But it’s dry here in the desert, so there’s never any sweat streaks down the back of my black designer underwear that I buy one pair at a time.
disclaimer: I live in the desert. It’s hot. If I didn’t like the heat, or at least say I did, I would consider myself an idiot for living in the fuckin’ desert.
Sweet sainted mother of Arnold Ziffel. A bacon sundae. Man…Arnold is probably spinning in his grave like the guest of honor at a pig roast.
I’ve got more stuff I want to comment on but I have to go back and try and remember the order I thought of them in and make a list and then decide which ones are more important. And then see if there’s any one I can work a ‘go fuck yourself’ into.
That bacon sundae just looks wrong.
And WTH does a horse head have to do with the Indians, or Reds?
I wanted to comment about the Indian Head… there has to be a great story!
Sugar and salt actually do go well together. And while I do love good bacon, I think the whole “bacon with everything” fad is getting a bit long in the tooth.
The heat sucks horse cock. I remember a time when I thought air conditioning was an unnecessary luxury, but one summer in DC cured me of that misapprehension.
Yea, 99 degrees here yesterday in Southeast Pennsylvania Perogie Belt.
My wife decides to set the thermostat for 68 degrees early in the morning to get the house “cooled down” ahead of the afternoon heat wave.
I work in the basement, so it’s about 62 down here, but she insists on watching TV on the second floor, and it is 74 degrees up there, God forbid. The damn electric bill will be about $500 if this shit continues. I need a fucking parka as my lips have turned blue and my toes are numb.
And she has the balls to complain that I spent $88.00 at the liquor store on the Mastercard and she found 2 cartons of Marlboros behind the seat of my truck. Maybe she was looking for some lost quarters back there for a quick visit to the DQ?
Kiss my ass. Lose about 30 pounds and you won’t be leaking puddles of sweat out of your ass crack all day long.
hot fuzz says
Does your wife read Jeff’s blog?
If she does, I will need a lawyer. That was rather out of line, but man, she was up my ass that day.
I live at 7900 feet and it was 87 here today (yeah…doesn’t sound all that bad huh…but…damn!) and our one local radio station said that tomorrow the sky is supposed to fall. I had to head south today into ALBQ. where’s it hotter. I bought some Depends and filled them ice before I took off.
hot fuzz says
Depends with ice… a different kind of blue balls.
Ditto on hating this fucking heat. Nowhere where I live is flat, either and the fucking dog isn’t going to walk himself. It is currently 6.25 am and I taking the dog for his daily walk. I fucking hate summer.
Phil Jett says
I’m cheap and that is way to much for a sundae that size.
I’ve hated the heat for years. I was an instant sweat-bomb as soon as I stepped out the door. Since losing 45lbs in the last 3 months, it doesn’t happen anymore. I have to really get busy to get the pumps running.
Wonder if there is a connection?
I see you were sitting near Sara Jessica Parker – sorry for you. That’s one horse I wouldn’t want to ride.
Jeff Bauer says
Which reminds me …
Jay Leno, John Kerry, and a horse walk into a saloon and each grab a stool at the bar.
The barkeep walks up, wipes the bar top off and says, “Guy! Guys! Why the long faces?”
A minister, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar – shit, I screwed it up. Never mind.
Horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The owner Luiggi brings it over and says…”You a paint?”
Horse says…”No…I’m a plumber.”
I’m doing a ‘project’ right now and realized I could be OCD about doing projects. I’m putting in some new steps out my back door. They have to be level and sturdy. I plan, I measure, I stand back at look at what I want to do, drink two beers and start in again. I didn’t know if I needed three bags of pea gravel or four to help with the leveling and making them sturdy. I bought four and the guy only charged me for three. He appeared to be as hungover from last night as I was…heh. The old steps are out and all my supplies sit there while I finish my next two beers. Now I got a pick-ax out digging little tree runners off my cottonwoods. I’ve got the gas-powered weed whacker ready to and now I’m out front looking around to see if there’s any place I can use some gravel in case I only need three bags. Damn…you should see what I go through just to change the oil on my old Ford pick-up.
Root 66 says
So, why was Camilla Parker Bowles, “Duchess of Cornwall” at the ball game? Ain’t her and Prince Chuck got nothin’ better to do than hang around Cleveland, Ahia?
It’s a shame the Reds had their butts handed to them up there…oh how I long for the days of “The Big Red Machine!” That was probably the greatest assemblage of baseball players of all time!
Great shot of the Terminal Tower in the background, though. I like how it is silhouetted against the evening sky!
I’m one of those annoying bastards who likes the temperature to be warm, which is one reason I moved to a tropical climate. I also back my truck into the garage. Perhaps I should try folding my pizza slices next?
I’m with ya on the heat. Hate it! Nothing worse than instantly sweating as soon as you walk outside. And for me, it sucks because I’m a “face sweater”. My entire face beads up in an instant. It blows
I could see the bacon sundae working… one of my more favorite things lately is a peanut butter and bacon sandwich.