Not that I mind, really. I consider myself to be an amateur curator of the inappropriate. But it amazes me, the things I’m seeing these days. Rosie and Mr. Whipple must be spinning like egg beaters inside their graves at Commercial Icons Memorial Park.
Here are a few that jump immediately to mind:
Toilet splatter? It wasn’t that long ago when they wouldn’t even show or mention a toilet on TV. The Brady Bunch, if you remember, had six kids sharing a little Jack ‘n’ Jill bathroom, with no shitter. Apparently they believed America couldn’t handle the thought of Marcia or Bobby snappin’ a yam. It’s the same reason they covered up the flying saucer crash at Roswell. The country might descend into anarchy, possibly even cannibalism. The producers of the fine work above also have a skid mark version, and one that deals with “clingers.”
Heh, this must be an extended director’s cut. It goes on a bit. But even the shortened version makes me grimace. That dirty old man is fixin’ to do the nasty with the Snapple lady, or whatever, and needs a little help in the uplift department. That, right there, is too much for me. I’m out.
And what’s the deal with him completely missing his mouth with the pill? Does he have a glass eye, or something, and no depth perception whatsoever? It’s impossible to know. Then the car gets fully engorged… How did this get the greenlight? Hell, I’ve seen it a hundred times, and don’t even watch much TV.
Semi-related note: I miss glass eye humor. I don’t think there are any current celebrities with glass eyes, to keep it going. Back in the day we had Sandy Duncan and Sammy Davis, Jr. Possibly others. Remember that song “Bette Davis Eyes?” I used to change the chorus to “She got Sandy Duncan eye!!…” See? That’s the kind of comedy I miss.
Wow. This might be the worst one of the bunch. The Family Guy seems subtle and nuanced by comparison. And it’s not even funny! Somebody should go to prison.
This one makes my stomach churn. It features some old bastard, roughly my age, doing all sorts of shit-removal hand gestures, and speaking about “layers.” What?! Then he goes into a porta-potty, presumably wipes his ass and takes off his underwear. When he emerges, he appears winded, for some reason. This thing is disturbing, on many levels.
Semi-related note: I know a guy who years ago talked about trying to create one giant uninterrupted skidmark in his underwear, that would run “from waistband to waistband.” He estimated it would take four days, and would require him to wear his tighty-whiteys backwards for two of those days. Not sure if he ever achieved his dream. Maybe I’ll do a follow-up?
I’ve talked about this one before. Can you imagine something like it being broadcast in 1974, or whatever? For one thing, everybody would be confused about the concept of bush trimming. But the whole subject matter… It’s not something people generally want to contemplate during a Raymond rerun. Am I wrong? But I’ve seen this ad dozens of times, right alongside commercials for Prego spaghetti sauce and Toyota Camrys. It amazes me. I think we might be “evolving” a little too fast. There’s another version that’s internet-only, but the one above is on TV all the time. All the time.
I’ll see you again soon. Let me know your thoughts on all this high-end cinematic art, and the ones I might have missed.
Have a great day, my friends.
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I tru to explain to my daughter how fast the world has changed. What is normal to her his strange to me and completely foreign and exotic to her grandparents. I dropped her of at school one morning when she was in 10th grade and a young man walked passed my car wearing cut off jean booty shorts, a cut off yellow mid drift T shirt with an open mouth on it, and bright red boots… I sat there in stunned amazement that no one else even appeared to take notice this kid, tha is how unremarkable it was. I then explained my daughter tha in the early 90’s at my shitkicker backwoods high school that kid would have not even made it passed the parking lot before gettung hemmed up by school officials or, worse, the local red neck kids…
yikes, apologize for all of the typos….
Its okay, just a bit of that backwoods highschool coming out.
Amazing the shit that passes off as acceptable that would have earned you a beat down a mere couple generations ago.
Root 66 says
Perhaps I’m missing something, but it appears that no woman alive today can laugh, cough or anything without tinkling on herself somehow. Is this a new condition or were girls just nice enough in the past not to share?!?
In my adulthood (and I’m 53) I think I only pissed myself twice. Once when I was overly stupidly drunk and the other during unbridled sex. But that was it.
Yes, and I’ve had similar problems, Madz: Some days I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
I never saw the American Standard toilet series. Now I wish I could bleach my eyes.
The Cottonelle chick is way too interested in people’s bathroom habits and what’s left on their bums. I think she should seek therapy immediately.
The bush trim is just flat out crazy. Hey, you want to waltz into the hot wax salon and ask for a heart, more power to you. But keep that shit to yourself.
The only commercials I seem to see are one for lawyers and various medical things – such as vagina mesh lawsuits, asbestos litigation, and medicines that kill you to make you better.
Speaking of TV – when I am watching CHIPS nowadays I notice they blur out the nipple shots. I find that interesting. It was ok for such things to be shown in primetime 30 something years ago – but now it is not ok.
Bill in WV says
I can remember singing along to that tune, but it was “Helen Keller Eyes” or “Marty Feldman Eyes”. The best of all was from a Saturday Night Live skit where Buckwheat tried to sing it. Classic !
I’m about fucking tired of hearing about constipation and bowel trouble on TV commercials
Funny how Archie Bunker wouldn’t fly today, but we can talk about skid marks and the little blue pill if you have the inability to pop a boner.
Well, here’s another reason I glad we axed TV. Because, wow. Even without clicking on the videos it’s clear these are truly bad. Thanks for saving me the trouble!
Groovy Chainsaw says
Peter Falk had a glass eye — but I think Jeff is right. There are no current celebrities in the glass eye club.
Surly Shawn says
I hated most commercials when I did watch TV. Now that I just have Netflix or Torrents, I don’t miss commercials at all. What I do miss (I mean, what passes me by) are most new movies (80%) and whatnot. I always find myself seeing movies on Netflix and asking (also myself) “when did that come out?”.
The commercials I did like, were the bizarre ones. Like the spongemonkeys from Quizno’s, or Chrismahannukwanzika(?) from some cell phone provider. I also do know that Tim & Eric (Awesome Show, Great Job!) did some early Old Spice ads. Those were cool, because I am a fan of them.
Also, remember when new albums would actually get commercials on TV? Sigh. I miss the ‘good old days’. Get off my lawn!
Do like I do: DVR everything and you never have to watch a single one of these. I confess – I’ve never seen a single one of them.
All very disturbing – truly people keep it to yourself, your partner or your doctor if you have bigger issues – your cheesy lawyer.
One of the most disturbing to me is grown men singing songs about the potty dance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DacxAfN_T-Y
Not sure if this link works but it can be googled. ;-( Everything on tv is so lame these days.
The Divine Miss E says
I was recently introduced to my first episode of “Bob’s Burgers” by a 13-year-old, and sat there with her watching a show talking about a retirement community full of elderly swingers. All I could think was, when I was her age I was so afraid to be caught watching “Beavis and Butthead”, because I would have gotten in trouble, that I would watch it on volume level 2 – and the worst thing they ever said was “boobs” or “ass”. Of those you posted, I’ve only seen the bush trimming commercial, and when it came on my sister turned to me and said, “Is this allowed?” My, how things have changed just in the last 15 years. Every day I feel older and more crotchety.
That is a great show. You should check out all of the episodes.
The Divine Miss E says
Oh don’t get me wrong, the show was funny and made me laugh out loud at several points. I just couldn’t get past the feeling that my mother would have grounded me for life if she’d caught me watching it!
Love me some Bob’s Burgers! Linda is a scream!
And I was just reminded of another thing I always liked about this site: brain-damaged google ads, I have here ads for “surf lessons in Cape May,” “Long Island Surf Park” and “Surftech Board Mfg Co.”
I guess I’m in the minority here because I thought all of them were at least mildly humorous, although the toilet paper one was a touch awkward.
The British chick that wants everyone to go “commondo” is annoying as fuck. Seems to me that by the time you wipe it, wash it and dry it….it would be easier to just get in the shower if there’s that much of a mess.
Is that Snapple Lady or Flo?