Sorry about yesterday. I allowed real life to get in my way, like a ball-baby bitch. And I overslept today, so it never stops.
Christmas is in, like, two weeks or something? Man, I’m not prepared. I haven’t bought anything for anyone. Literally nothing, and that’s not a joke. I’ll probably be at K-Mart on Christmas Eve with tears streaming down my face, pushing around a cart filled with toe socks, Raisinettes, and electric jar openers for the boys.
Actually, Toney took care of the Secrets, so their Christmas is secure. Thank God (and my long-suffering wife). But everything else is in a state of radical disarray. I’m operating under a cloud of continuous low-grade panic here.
Oh well. It’s a holiday tradition, right?
And since we’re on the subject, here’s some heartwarming best wishes from the Angry White Guy. …I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional.
The big “snow event” that had the entire eastern part of the United States buzzing a few days ago, missed us almost completely. On the Weather Channel radars, etc., it looked like we were getting hammered. But we got nothing. Toney “shoveled” the driveway with a broom.
Wotta rip-off. I like snow, especially when it’s supposed to happen on my days off. I want a refund.
My so-called book has been submitted, and even though it took more than a year to write… I felt rushed at the end. It’s far from perfect, but hopefully The Agency will be able to see the potential in it. I’ve been told it’ll be “several weeks” before I hear from them. So, I’m going to try to put it out of my mind for a while. Ha! That’s a goddamn good one.
A new restaurant recently opened near us. It’s in the old Bennigan’s building, but is locally-owned and not part of any chain, or anything like that.
They’ve been open for about two weeks, and Toney and I decided to check them out on Saturday evening. We were there around 5 o’clock, and the hostess was staring intently at a clipboard when we came through the door.
We stood there, waiting for her to figure out whatever it was she was trying to figure out. But after greeting us with a “Hi guys!” she returned to the clipboard, and ignored us. For a long, long time.
Starting to get pissed, I told Toney, “Maybe we should just go somewhere else?” This, of course, was not for Toney’s benefit, but for The Clipboard Mama’s.
But she didn’t say anything. There was no response, whatsoever. She left us hanging there, in restaurant limbo, like a couple of idiots.
So, we left. Toney said, “Let’s go,” and we walked out. And there was not even a hint of protest from the hostess, not another word was ever said to us. It’s unbelievable. A new business, trying to make a positive first impression, and all that…
The place is called Charlie’s Pub & Eatery, and here’s some information about it. I’ve already got a bad attitude toward it, and haven’t even made it to an actual table yet. I’ll probably soften my stance with time, but right now it’s under the heading of NEVER AGAIN!
Sheesh. I can be treated like shit anywhere, I don’t need it from a local restaurant.
Have you put any businesses under the NEVER AGAIN! heading recently? Tell us about it, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And this is a lame one, I know, but I’m all discombobulated here. Before I go, I’d like to invite you to watch Metten’s latest animated short, at Mockable. Metten works hard on those things, but that’s not the reason you should watch it. You should watch it ’cause it’s really funny and good!
I’ll leave you now with an inevitable Question for this time of year: What are some of your favorite Christmas albums?
There are two I’m especially fond of: an ancient Elvis Christmas album, the one with the syrupy “Mama Liked the Roses” at the end, and some sort of Starbucks compilation I picked up during my travels. It’s kinda jazzy and cool, and features Burl Ives and Bing Crosby and a cast of thousands. The whole thing feels like the ’40s or ’50s, and I like that.
So, what about you? Do you have any longtime Christmas favorites? Just so you know, I also like to listen to Rock of the Westies by Elton John during this time of year, for some unknown deep-seated reason. I’m drawn to it at Christmastime, year after year.
So, if you have anything on that subject, let’s hear it.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Amigos,
A Dave Brubeck Christmas, Oscar Peterson Christmas, David Grisman’s Acoustic Christmas, and anybody singing O Holy Night.
It’s late on the east coast, so I might repost this tomorrow, since I spent over ten minues on it:
.
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JOHNTHEBASKET’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
On the first day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the third day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Is…Chuck…a…dick? …………..no, no, no
Jimmy Kuhn is spurting
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Tammie is a Goddess
Ian tosses cabers
Is…Chuck…a…dick? …………..no, no, no
Jimmy Kuhn is spurting
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Bikerchick is cruising
Rat Bastard’s snorting
Tammie is a Goddess
Ian tosses cabers
Is…Chuck…a…dick? …………..no, no, no
Jimmy Kuhn is spurting
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Pagan speaks Canadian
Jason’s shaft is cheesy
Bikerchick is cruising
Rat Bastard’s snorting
Tammie is a Goddess
Ian tosses cabers
Is…Chuck…a…dick? …………..no, no, no
Jimmy Kuhn is spurting
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Basket said to me:
Metten’s always watching
Pagan speaks Canadian
Jason’s shaft is cheesy
Bikerchick is cruising
Rat Bastard’s snorting
Tammie is a Goddess
Ian tosses cabers
Is…Chuck…a…dick? …………..no, no, no
Jimmy Kuhn is spurting
Gretchen hangs with asshats
White guy is pissed…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee…
And Jeff is making book his-tor-eee
.
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I’m sorry I could only use twelve names – I enjoy ALL your posts. I wish you all the joy this season can bring, for whatever, for you, constitutes joy. Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine.
jtb
I’ll eat just about anywhere if the price is right, even if the menu features the phrase “good eats.”
As for Christmas songs, I picked up the new Bob Dylan cd and it’s probably the most awkward thing i’ve ever listened to.
NEVER AGAIN list –
K-Bobs. We had them here (Albuquerque, NM) briefly… And they fucked up a hot dog. A FUCKING HOT DOG.
I will never return to this crappy sushi place, either – Azuma… TERRIBLE. My sushi was actually like… mealy and squishy… almost like really bad pate. I’ve NEVER had sushi that bad before.
I always say I’ll never go back to Applebees and Fudruckers and yet… I always find myself back there, hating what I order.
We tried to take my son for a haircut to a salon that I used to go to under previous ownership. They said it’d be a 20 minute wait, but there’s a Jimmy John’s in the same strip center so we said fine, went and got some sammiches to eat and came back in 20 minutes. Waited 10 minutes, nothing. One woman takes some girl who just walked in back with her and gives me the “wait one minute” finger sign. We wait 10 more minutes. Another woman and her daughter come in and get taken back to be shorn. Now there’s one woman on the computer and another standing over her but no one’s taking on my son. We wait another 10 minutes then leave. Unfreakingbelieveably bad customer service. We wasted about 50 minutes waiting on them.
1st mistake is taken your son to a salon. is there not an old fashioned barber in your town? take a kid to a salon and next thing you’ll be tivo’ing bravo.
I have a new favorite! Last night on a local, church owned radio station, the DJ played “Another Rock and Roll Christmas” by Gary Glitter. Ironic, but, hey, the DJ had ballz!
AWG –
My husband is Catholic, and I am Episcopalian. We have been married nearly 11 years (together for 14), and we have never decided whether he should be Episcopalian or if I should become Catholic (he says why be Catholic when I am Episcopalian and it is just like being Catholic [Catholic lite] without all of the things that people hate about being Catholic – I say I would rather be Catholic so if we ever have children we can raise them Catholic and they can fall off to Episcopalian, instead of raising them Episcopalian where they might fall off to something like a weird snake handling religion).
Anyway, Saturday we were at a suicide funeral (really we were, it was my second and the first one- years ago – was HORRIBLE), and because it had just been a topic here, I was sensitive to whether the priest was a bearer of comfort or condemnation. Fortunately, the priest was a bearer of comfort. So that was cool.
Well, the funeral was in a Catholic church, and the priest’s surname is Manning. I ran into the priest last night while I was out running errands, and I got his name right. It is Manning. So, AWG, should I take this as a sign from God? Should I become Catholic because I met a priest named Manning? I mean, if the priest’s name had been Brady I would have taken that as a sign to stay Episcopalian. Maybe this is really a sign that I am a little too involved in football? Thoughts?
-WTB
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL THE KAY’S AND SURF REPORTERS EVERYWHERE!!
I’m gonna stay drunk for…uh…er…I’m off for the next 11 days!
You began to scare me a little there when you began talking religion right off the bat to me. My skin felt like it was burning.
Perhaps you are a little too involved in football but that’s OK. Take it as a sign that the Colts will go undefeated and win the SB.
Don’t become a Catholic.
Glad the priests name wasn’t Sanchez or Quinn.
On IPOD right now- “Simple Man”- Lynyrd Skynyrd
I will not eat at ANY buffet. I have way too many germ issues for that and the food is always mediocre at best. I have also put several pizza chains on the never return list. Papa John’s, Pizza Hut YUCK!!
WTB- Whats wrong with handling snakes?
WTB! You’re going to have to change your name; the Episcopal Church is known as the very high upper class church of Christianity. Most of our presidents were Epis. The Cabots, Lowells, Rockefellers, and Mellons belonged. Bush used to belong, but when he wanted to be president, he joined the Methodists and pretended to be a cowboy. Don’t become a Catholic—I used to be and it sucked. BTW, what’s wrong with handling snakes??? My husband’s veterinarian, so I do it all the time. Oh—never mind.
johnthebasket – funny shit, man!
DTO-I want to party with you!
Shane-I think Maria is to young for you to lust after her sweet titties.
RIMBoy-Back Door Santa my new favorite, thanks!
Knucklehead-I wish I was going to be in your neighborhood but I will be stuck in OH, rats.
Zoe-Let me know when the bar is open I need a good excuse to visit New England!
UlisesGirl-How exactly does one fuck up a hot dog?
Pagan-Happy Saturnalia back at ya, gotta love google.
Dave-Pondergrossa, I can’t help but feel like you had it coming.
Okay I’m done I think.
I got another little piece over at mockable…check it. Worth at least the 90 seconds it takes to read it.. Maybe.
jtb,
i like it, me!
I’ve got several “never again” eateries, but the only big name is Fuddruckers. The wife and I did the make-ur-own burgers, then we did a tour of NYC, and she got major food poisoning. The highlight was hurling in the italian-marbled bathroom at Trump towers on 5th ave. There’s something noble about that.
In your previous post about corporate nicknames, nobody mentioned movie nicknaming, like “T2”. I hate those.
jtb: Priceless!!
JTB- That was awesome! I’m just pissed I didn’t think of it first.
On IPOD right now- “Low Rider”- War
JTB I am honoured to have made the list Well worth the 10 mins! I will have it framed and placed on the Yurt wall;)
WTB stick with Catholic lite your condo in heaven wont be quite as good but at least you’l have one;)
JTB — I am also honored to have made the Christmas Carol. Well done!
WTB, I was brought up Episcopalian; yes, it’s Catholic Lite. Furthermore – when I was a kid the priest at our church was named John Madden.
I don’t do Christmas albums, only the odd song here and there. “I Believe in Father Christmas” by ELP, “Greensleeves” by John Coltrane. “Walking ’round in women’s underwear” always gives me a chortle. Well OK, the one album is “Drive the Cold Winter Away” by Horslips, but I haven’t put that on in years.
I may be a bit sick by most people’s standards, but I tend to feel ODed on “normal” Christmas music and break out the parodies. Bob Rivers is usually good for a laugh, and I enjoy the “Tales From the Crypt” Christmas album (“Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas”).