I finished the book on Saturday afternoon. I skipped an important swim meet to get it done, which made me feel a little guilty. But I was determined to return to work on Sunday with the thing completed. That was the original goal, and I would’ve viewed last week as a failure if it hadn’t happened.
So, it’s finished. I’m not completely happy with the last two chapters, I think they were rushed, but I should be able to fix those problems fairly quickly. In fact, I have to fix them fairly quickly — because I’ve committed to sending the manuscript to my agent by the end of the week.
It’s great to finally have it done, but there are a few harsh realities which need to be remembered. And here are two of the main ones:
1. Just because I wrote a novel doesn’t mean it’s any good.
2. Just because the book is finished, doesn’t mean it will ever be published.
But, you know, I think it’s funny and entertaining, and that’s all I wanted. I’m no Oxford-educated ascot-wearing literary genius, and if I’d tried to compete on that playing field I would’ve gotten my ass creamed.
I just told the story in a language I’m comfortable with, and made no attempts at fancying things up. I wanted it to be a good time, nothing more and nothing less. And that’s where I concentrated all my yurtly efforts. I’m happy with the results.
What happens after I send it in on Friday is pretty much out of my hands. I’ll almost certainly be glaring at my cell phone, hollering, “Ring bitch!” and driving Toney up the wall. But she’s already been warned about this, and is prepared.
I do have a few things going for me, and here are some of the main ones:
1. I’m signed with a respected agency.
2. The premise of the book is fantastic (I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, it’s true).
3. It features Sunshine, Mumbles, Nancy, and a cast of a thousand always-popular freaks.
4. I have the Surf Report army behind me. You guys are a big part of all this, and if the book is sold, one of the main reasons will be because of the community surrounding TheWVSR. That’s a fact, and I hoist yet another vessel of the golden elixir in your honor — regardless of how this turns out.
Needless to say, my so-called book is taking up a lot of space in my head right now. But I’ll try not to bore everyone with it. I’ll reserve that for Brad, Metten, and Toney. I’ll attempt to spare the rest of you.
Our internet was down, off and on, for more than 24 hours yesterday/today. And I can’t have that.
After I lifted myself off the platform yesterday morning, I shuffled ‘n’ farted my way to the bunker, with a blistering hot cup of coffee. And my computer was nothing but a prop.
This doesn’t happen very often anymore. Back in the Adelphia days it was standard operating procedure, but it’s a lot more stable now. However, I wasn’t in any mood to give Comcast any thumbs-ups, the bastards.
I called their 800 number, and Shaquille O’Neal answered. He instantly started yukking it up with Ben Stein, and I hollered, “My internet’s down, goddammit!” A vaudeville baggy-pants routine was far down the list of things I was wanting at that point.
I then had to negotiate a voicemail labyrinth for five minutes, and finally got a real person on the line. And he wanted to know my account number. I don’t know my account number. Who knows their cable company account number? Just tell me what’s going on with the internet, whistle dick.
And since I couldn’t answer his original question, he wanted to know the last four digits of Toney’s Social Security number. WTF? I don’t know that either. My wife’s Social Security number? I have no idea.
I finally hung up in a huff, all internetless and frustrated and growling like a dog.
Toney called them twice, after she got home from work. The first time she got the impression the person was just blowing smoke, and trying to get her off the phone. But the second try was a lot better. Apparently we were actually reconnected to the internet for a few hours. The problem was blamed on our Vonage box.
But when I got home last night, at 2:30 am, everything was dead again. This time we had no cable TV, either. One step forward, two steps back.
When Toney got to work today, everyone was complaining. I guess the whole town was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. But it’s working now, at least for the time being. And it’s pretty freaking fast, too. The shit is flying.
So, what’s been going on? How’s the holiday shopping coming along? We have the kids’ stuff done, but beyond that… the docket remains full.
I haven’t bought Toney anything yet. In fact, I haven’t bought anything for anybody yet. Sheesh. Too much pressure. I think I’ll just go get a shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards, and be done with it. That’s an acceptable romantic gift for a wife, isn’t it? A shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards? Heh.
One thing’s for certain: I’m buying a bottle of Maker’s Mark on Thursday. We started Bourbon Season with Jack Daniel’s this year, on a whim, and it didn’t really do the trick. We need to return to our roots.
The stress is fairly high around this house right now, there’s snow on the ground, and a bottle of Maker’s Mark is calling my name. Can you hear it? I can, and it sounds like it could use a lozenge.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Sorry things are so screwed up, but it should be better soon.
Have a great day, my friends.
Booya!
Hey, the top dog, the head cheese, numero uno honcho! Now time to read the update.
Dammit, Zoe!
I think this is a first!
Or a second
Oh, and #1 many congratulations on finishing the book. I can’t wait to read it. #2 I havent bought a damn gift yet. #3 LMAO @ whistledick!
Oh boy!! A genuine Jeff Kay novel is that much closer to being in my hands!!!!!
Holiday shopping for the kids is finished. Child bride and I are not getting each other anything this year. My parents are not getting anything. My sister, her husband Larry Bird and her three little monkeys are not getting anything. My wife’s Dad and his wife are getting stuff and so is her mother. All done. Nothing to do but wait for the credit card bills to come in.
Comcast sucks ass Jeff. We used to have it for all of our stuff, but every time it rained, the internets went out—for days. I have had zero problems with Verizon.
Colts, 13-0
On IPOD right now- “Hae Me”- Blue October
Sorry, that’s “Hate Me”
Hurrah! The much anticipated return of Jeff Kay! If your book doesn’t get published, you should print copies out yourself and sell them on thewvsr. I’d buy one or two. Dozen.
There’s just a big fucking layer of heat on the ground here….no snow.
On IPOD right now- “Dazed and Confused”- Led Zep
I am getting chili for everyone on my Xmas list.
Chili is a meal.
Sweeeet!
I’ve completed my Christmas shopping for me.
3 gifts to go for the rest. 45 minutes tops.
I wish I could love Maker’s Mark. That little dumpy, wax coated bottle looks so cute sitting on the counter in my kitchen every evening during our “1.5 cocktail Hour”. I just don’t love it. I like J.W. Red–it tastes kinda nasty too, so, what’s the difference? Maybe something from my childhood.
Christmas shopping is done! Wally and I got each other new family room furniture last month, so no other gifts. All 7 of the nieces/nephews/godson have been spoiled mercilessly. Both sets of parents, both Grandma’s. My sis and BIL. Fuck it stresses me out. Like AWG said, now it is just time to wait for the credit card bills.
Congrats on finishing the book! I cannot wait to read it!
Good job on the book Jeff. I will buy it either from Amazon (through the WVSR) or off of your site if it comes to that.
Now what is going on with Sunshine & Co. ?
Faarrrrout! Your book is done. Your internet is back! alrighty then.
some crappy news for me: Half a toof broke on Sunday whilst eating kettle korn from Fairmont’s Feast of the Seven Fishes. The dentist smashed a temporary filling in the space to last me until Jan 4 when he is supposed to make the impression for the crown he’ll need to make. That temp didn’t last the afternoon. luckily, it only hurts when I brush, but I keep messing with it with my tongue. I’m distracted.
BOOK IS DONE!! BOOK IS DONE!!
Congrats man!
No Christmas shopping done at all, I’m giving 50 dollar bills this year. 1 each for my parents, 2 brothers and 6 grandkids and 2 each for my kids.
That’s 700.00 and that’s farkin’ enough.
We would spend that anyway and probably more plus have to rush around in shopping frenzy – funk dat!
Congratulations Jeff! Will you be offering signed copies?
I am starting the Xmas frenzy tonight after work. I would rather break a tooth on kettle corn…..but it must be done.
DH didn’t believe me on how much we spend on gifts every year, and this year I finally put it on paper. $1100.00 for everyone in family/good friends category. Does not include postage for 200 cards out in the mail or the cards themselves. I thought he was going to pass out. I might mention that these are MOSTLY his family!
Yah. No matter what happens, WE want to read you yurt book.
No Christmas shopping for me this year. I am just going to cut to the chase and hand out money. Always right color and right size. Then I will feed them a chili meal.
Yup – there’s no getting around the fact that WE want the book at any price. Self publish the damned thing if you have to, but WE MUST HAVE THE BOOK! Congrats on finishing it – December 12th will be a day that goes down in history as the day my favorite novel was published! YAY!
No one is getting anything but baked good from my unemployed ass this Christmas. And they’re lucky to be getting that.
I purchased my first bottle of Maker’s Mark over the weekend because of you fine folks here and I must admit – I liked it! I see several more bottles in my future, yes indeed.
Hapopy Tuesday, Surfers!
Hapopy? Yes, that should have read “Happy”.
I like Fat Secretary’s idea – can we get ours signed, please?
I also vote for signed copies!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
update’s here! update’s here! woo-freakin-hoo…
No Christmas shopping this year so far. We are cutting way way back. The kids are grown(well, one of ’em anyway. The other has a few years to go). My missus and I don’t exchange gifts, we may go in together on something for the house. My parents are both retired, and insist that we get them absolutely nothing.
JK, if for an unfortunate turn and your tome isn’t picked up and published, will we be at least able to read it here via the Report…..? I sure hoping so.
I sure is.
Yes! – I’d also like a signed copy, please!
I’m happy to be a part of the WVSR army. I’ve been a member of our high school marching band before, but never an army. cool.
Alice-I didn’t pick up on the Army angle. Smoking fish rifles and hand grenades in the gift shop soon. Double sweet!
” I concentrated all my yurtly efforts” Frankly that’s all you can ask of any man!
2 main realities coming your way: a dickhead going under the pseudonym: “Editor” will have you rewrite half the book and then he/she willcompletely rewrite the whole thing! Your relatives will eventually read it and never speak to you again thus denying you valuable material for the sequel!
If Michael Bay is busy maybe Kevin Smith can direct the movie version!
I’m sure there’s at least 687 different ways to write, “The sun came up this morning”… in a one sentence thirty-word paragraph while pretending you’re a raccoon…and sometimes…all you need is…”whistle dick”.
We bought each other electronic divices this year. Marital aids actually. VCR/DVD combos. Whazoo Panasonic stuff. $300 a pop. Front room, back room. We should make it another 22 years with this wise investment. She sends her Son and Grandson some bucks. Maybe fifty each. Everyone else gets a card. That’s it.
p.s…..rewrites aren’t all that bad…and the phone will ring. Somehow I just know that….-d
Jeff-
The reason that Jack Daniel’s “didn’t really do the trick” is because Jack Daniel’s isn’t bourbon, it’s Tennessee Whiskey. Maker’s Mark is indeed Bourbon (Whisky) and a fine example of it. Congratulations on finishing the book!!
Who in the hell would ask for someone’s SS number these days? Even if it was just the last 4 digits. I don’t get that.
MI2Tall nailed it.
Plus which, JD makes people mean. Saw it all the time in the bartending days. Stick with real bourbon and you’ll just pass out peacefully instead of daring someone to a broken-bottle fight.
Oh, and well done on the book! Looking forward to turning each laff-filled page.
“The best novel ever written in a yurt!”
–The WVSR Army (Rarely Comments Division)
Congratulations on finishing the novel, Jeff, and I hope your agent gets a great deal for you, pronto. I don’t ever buy anything on the computer, but I might make an exception for your tome!
Not only will I look forward to reading the yurt tome, I will gladly pay any price for it. This also means that if the book is not published and you provide it to us here, I will gladly pay your PayPal account $30 as if it were a fresh hardcover. Heh, I said hard.
I am a fan of the audiobooks. Better get crackin’ on your narration skills, Jeff!
Now playing on iPhone: Nothing, cuz I left the fucker at home….accident, of course.
Oh yeah, the Chrima thing. Nobody’s getting anything from me. The boyfriend and I just bought a house and are looking at closing escrow this Thursday. (That’s after a two week setback). So, everyone in the fam has been on alert that we are not giving a damn thing but they are more than welcome to give us cash, Home Depot/Lowe’s cards, etc. But not to expect anything than our ‘Thank god we got another one’ exclamations at receiving. 😉
Good to hear your writing efforts are complete.
Next, it’ll be titles, and how your choice of title won’t be acceptable to the publisher. =-) Just getting you ready man.
Shopping? Oh yeah, remind me in a week…
The book is done!! Yeah! I can’t wait to read every whistle-dick filled page!
Is it just me or are the updates even funnier since JK has been communing with nature via publicly funded yurts? I contend they are!
As for Christmas shopping.. Well I’m about 2 grand in and not done.. This is my very favorite time of year and I love Christmas shopping! Then again, I’m a freak..
Congrats on finishing the novel, Jeff! I will take a signed copy too! Can’t wait!
Christmas shopping will be done this weekend…after I get paid. Not a whole lot to buy for, really. Just my boyfriend, his parents, sister, neice and a few select friends. None of my own family around. I tried to do all of my shopping via the internet. I HATE shopping malls whether it’s Christmas or not. I’m not one of those girly-girls that live to shop.
This is one of those years that I am really stumped as to what to buy for everyone. So I wonder around aimlessly until something jumps out at me.
I’m not even finished decorating the house. Can’t get my shit together this year.
Mmm..Maker’s Mark.. I wish I had a big stiff one right now..DRINK..that is…but I’m still at work. I’ll just have to tough it out a couple more hours.
Congratulations on completing your novel! You may count me as one of your loyal readers.
So far, I have purchased 1 Christmas gift. That’s better than my usual average. I’m finishing it all this weekend, so I can enjoy Christmas week. And by enjoy, I mean maintain a moderate buzz.
I can’t stop thinking about whistle dick.
I’ve got one thing left on the Christmas list to get, then I’m done. It just so happened that my Christmas List and Shit List were almost virtually indistinguishable this year. So some people got nice things, while some people got gift cards to questionable establishments. Nothing says “try not being an asshat next year” quite like a gift card to Hardee’s.
Alice, if it makes you feel any better I had two cracked fillings dating from the Reagan Administration replaced yesterday and will be getting four more done right after the holidays (yes, someone is a teeth-grinding dentist-phobe). It would appear the shelf life on the silver fillings is around 25 years, barring any unfortunate kettle korn incidents, of course.
Don’t know if anyone’s seen this, but reading up on Deadwood on Wikipedia, check out footnote number 9. It links to the most excellent, “Number of Fucks in Deadwood” by our Mr. Kay.
Gretchen-Thank God I put my coffee down before I read “Nothing says “try not being an asshat next year” quite like a gift card to Hardee’s.” That’s golden.
Joe T-That’s pretty cool.
Gretchen- LOL moment! I’m thinkin’ Winky’s would be another gift for the douchebag on your list.
Thanks, WB in OH. 🙂
bikerchick: I don’t know what a Winky’s is, but if they’ve got less than going for them than Hardee’s then perhaps they should adopt your slogan: “Winky’s, for the douchebag on your list.” That might drum up some holiday business, if nothing else.
Urg, too many than-s. Bad fingers, bad!
Congratz on the novel Jeff! I also would like to request a signed copy…please?
Shopping is done for me. Like I said before, my wife and I purchased a king-sized Seta bed (friggin HEAVEN) a month ago, and she bought me an M-4, so that takes care of us. As for everyone else I was able to purchase everything online (except for the freaky trip to Jinx).
So we have landed and it’s time for a beer! I hope the next trip won’t be so long.
Glad to hear the book is nearing completion (further editing is understandable). And I second the request about signatures…
Also, can you give a ballpark on what you’re going to make from our internet purchases via the glaringly ostentatious Amazon ad?
What the hell is a Winky’s?
iPod right now: Angels Want to Wear My Red Shoes – Elvis Costello