I finished the book on Saturday afternoon. I skipped an important swim meet to get it done, which made me feel a little guilty. But I was determined to return to work on Sunday with the thing completed. That was the original goal, and I would’ve viewed last week as a failure if it hadn’t happened.
So, it’s finished. I’m not completely happy with the last two chapters, I think they were rushed, but I should be able to fix those problems fairly quickly. In fact, I have to fix them fairly quickly — because I’ve committed to sending the manuscript to my agent by the end of the week.
It’s great to finally have it done, but there are a few harsh realities which need to be remembered. And here are two of the main ones:
1. Just because I wrote a novel doesn’t mean it’s any good.
2. Just because the book is finished, doesn’t mean it will ever be published.
But, you know, I think it’s funny and entertaining, and that’s all I wanted. I’m no Oxford-educated ascot-wearing literary genius, and if I’d tried to compete on that playing field I would’ve gotten my ass creamed.
I just told the story in a language I’m comfortable with, and made no attempts at fancying things up. I wanted it to be a good time, nothing more and nothing less. And that’s where I concentrated all my yurtly efforts. I’m happy with the results.
What happens after I send it in on Friday is pretty much out of my hands. I’ll almost certainly be glaring at my cell phone, hollering, “Ring bitch!” and driving Toney up the wall. But she’s already been warned about this, and is prepared.
I do have a few things going for me, and here are some of the main ones:
1. I’m signed with a respected agency.
2. The premise of the book is fantastic (I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, it’s true).
3. It features Sunshine, Mumbles, Nancy, and a cast of a thousand always-popular freaks.
4. I have the Surf Report army behind me. You guys are a big part of all this, and if the book is sold, one of the main reasons will be because of the community surrounding TheWVSR. That’s a fact, and I hoist yet another vessel of the golden elixir in your honor — regardless of how this turns out.
Needless to say, my so-called book is taking up a lot of space in my head right now. But I’ll try not to bore everyone with it. I’ll reserve that for Brad, Metten, and Toney. I’ll attempt to spare the rest of you.
Our internet was down, off and on, for more than 24 hours yesterday/today. And I can’t have that.
After I lifted myself off the platform yesterday morning, I shuffled ‘n’ farted my way to the bunker, with a blistering hot cup of coffee. And my computer was nothing but a prop.
This doesn’t happen very often anymore. Back in the Adelphia days it was standard operating procedure, but it’s a lot more stable now. However, I wasn’t in any mood to give Comcast any thumbs-ups, the bastards.
I called their 800 number, and Shaquille O’Neal answered. He instantly started yukking it up with Ben Stein, and I hollered, “My internet’s down, goddammit!” A vaudeville baggy-pants routine was far down the list of things I was wanting at that point.
I then had to negotiate a voicemail labyrinth for five minutes, and finally got a real person on the line. And he wanted to know my account number. I don’t know my account number. Who knows their cable company account number? Just tell me what’s going on with the internet, whistle dick.
And since I couldn’t answer his original question, he wanted to know the last four digits of Toney’s Social Security number. WTF? I don’t know that either. My wife’s Social Security number? I have no idea.
I finally hung up in a huff, all internetless and frustrated and growling like a dog.
Toney called them twice, after she got home from work. The first time she got the impression the person was just blowing smoke, and trying to get her off the phone. But the second try was a lot better. Apparently we were actually reconnected to the internet for a few hours. The problem was blamed on our Vonage box.
But when I got home last night, at 2:30 am, everything was dead again. This time we had no cable TV, either. One step forward, two steps back.
When Toney got to work today, everyone was complaining. I guess the whole town was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. But it’s working now, at least for the time being. And it’s pretty freaking fast, too. The shit is flying.
So, what’s been going on? How’s the holiday shopping coming along? We have the kids’ stuff done, but beyond that… the docket remains full.
I haven’t bought Toney anything yet. In fact, I haven’t bought anything for anybody yet. Sheesh. Too much pressure. I think I’ll just go get a shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards, and be done with it. That’s an acceptable romantic gift for a wife, isn’t it? A shitload of Cracker Barrel gift cards? Heh.
One thing’s for certain: I’m buying a bottle of Maker’s Mark on Thursday. We started Bourbon Season with Jack Daniel’s this year, on a whim, and it didn’t really do the trick. We need to return to our roots.
The stress is fairly high around this house right now, there’s snow on the ground, and a bottle of Maker’s Mark is calling my name. Can you hear it? I can, and it sounds like it could use a lozenge.
I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Sorry things are so screwed up, but it should be better soon.
Have a great day, my friends.
Please add me to the Army list. I look forward to my autographed copy of the book as well!
I haven’t even started Christmas shopping yet. If it weren’t for my husband, nothing would frigging be done at all. We only have a Christmas Tree up because he and Nooze put it up. I decorated it (some) just so they’d leave me alone.
I don’t drink (I ran out of things to throw up), but may have to break down and purchase some bourbon soon. I have been ‘gifted’ with a bizarre, hacking cough (no other side effects) for over a week now. My family has taken to calling me ‘Selma’, in honor of the chain smoking old chick from “Night Court”.
On the upside, however, my co-workers think I have an excellent chance at a second career…as a #900 operator.
If you need a voice for Sunshine on the Audio Book, holler. I could pull that off right now.
OK……..Signed copy and every book comes with a (old logo) Smkoking Fish draft card for a book mark. (I was 1-A back in the day)
I spilled a beer on my key board earlier today and the keys are starting to stick, so if weird stuff starts starts showing up, I guess I’ll be getting a new keyboard for Christmas. What a waste of good beer. Fuck!
I feel mislead.
We were all pawns in Jeff’s attempt to get someone to publish him and we never saw it coming!
Remember these questions?
What fictitious name can I give the secrets because I am tired of calling them The Secrets?
FOR THE BOOK
What actors (alive or dead) would you use to cast my extended family?
FOR THE BOOK
Remember when the family stories went to underground email and we assumed it was because the family found out? Guess not, huh?
HIDING the book from the publishers, I bet.
And getting a little feeback, maybe? Hmmm?
We have already READ the book, people.
A few of you may even be characters.
I will not go so far as to say that the characters we have all grown to love and laugh at are FAKE, I am willing to bet they are based on real life people with an immense stretch of the truth via the figments of the mind of Kay.
Brilliant Jeff !!
Congratulations on seeing a goal through and the feeling of accomplishment that it brings.
I’ll be standing in the pre-order line.
Rat Bastard says
Congratulations on finishing the book, Jeff! That is a hell of an accomplishment. Put me down for an autographed copy too; I’ll just have to drink Nikolai and Pabst to offset the expenditure.
Vicki — is the aversion to whiskey/bourbon from drinking it and getting sick on it? I got shithoused on Jim Beam when I was 14, drank almost a 5th in a few short hours and amazingly didn’t puke, but was hungover for 2 days and to this day the smell of it makes me feel a little ill. I can drink Maker’s Mark, Knob Creek, etc. because that’s some good shit.
I know I’ve already commented on this, but no Christmas gifts for anyone from me this year. I gotta move out of my house at the end of January into a friend’s attic space so I’m saving any pennies not spent on alcohol or chemicals for buying a car and painting supplies for the attic. Ho Ho Ho! If there’s anything left at the end of this month I might buy a bottle of halfway decent vodka and brand-name orange juice.
You guys all have a good evening…
Don’t call me shitlips!
Alice in WV says
I called my dentist’s office to ask to be squeezed in to any cancellation spots. The receptionist asked if there were any sharp points sticking out, cutting my tongue, etc., and if there was, I could just… get this… get an emery board and file it down. I’m no princess, but it is not very likely that I’ll be doing THAT!
Good gawd – who needs a professional dentist?! I’ll just drag out the ol’ Drimmel tools and take care of it all myself! Angry White Guy – I can’t remember… did you get your lowers refitted?
Goddamn Alice. I can’t believe they suggested you manicure youre own damn tooth. I broke a tooth over a week ago and I’m not quite ready to deal with it, so your comment way up there struck a nerve, in more ways than one. But that is effing ridiculous. Fucking file it???What’s next, fstuff a filling with some bread? Anyfuck, I’m about 6 beers in and I’m still thinking about whistle dick. I think I might have tio write a book now, since I already have a great title.
whistle dick says
Nah, fuck the book, I have me a new nickname.
Swami Bologna says
CitizenX: The Nancy/Nostrils/Sunshine stories are way too old for them to be figments of Jeff’s imagination. Jeff’s been chronicling the tales of these people for a long time — long before he had a dedicated readership at TheWSVR. If you look back in the archives, you’ll find that he started writing about these (real) people back in the days when he probably had about 10 readers per day (based on the Haloscan comments). So I really don’t think he’s been planning this book for the past ten years, writing fictitious stories about these people with the ultimate desire of someday compiling all the stories into a novel. No, the truth is, these people are real (though I was a bit disappointed to learn that “Nancy’s” name isn’t really “Nancy”).
So your fear is misguided, CitizenX. The real fear, and a fear that I’ve harbored ever since Jeff revealed that he’s writing a novel, is that his agent or the (hoped for) publisher will get cold feet when they find that these stories are based on reality, and will be so afraid of a libel suit that they’ll ultimately nix the publication of the book. That’s what we should be crossing our fingers to prevent.
Saved up a bunch of vacation days this year, so this week I will work Tues, Wed, and Thursday, then off until January friggin’ Fourth. Yaa Hoo.
Two solid weeks of booze, chemicals, and Mom’s home cookin’.
And, my Christmas shopping is nearly complete. Just need a few bottles of wine for some good neighbors and a gift card to the place that plucks my wife’s ass hairs.
Just added Makers Mark to the liquor store shopping list, thanks for reminding me.
And, yes, I want a signed copy of the book too.
Yea, autographed copy. Here. Now. You know you drink too much when you buy your Christmas tree at the liquor store. Yea, my liquor store sells Christmas trees.
Shopping DONE – all online. (though none via the WVSR Amazon link). Next year’s list half complete: “Get them The Book” (via the WVSR Amazon link)
Wow looks like everyone’s getting drunk for Christmas…just as it should be. I plowed through a bottle of wine last night in preparation for the five I’m sure I’ll be guzzling next week. I might even have to add in some hard liquor but it will be Captain Morgan for me not Maker’s Mark.
I want a signed copy of the book and I’m willing to pay at least an extra fifty cents if you make it personal with a Jeff Kayism. I agree with Zoe, whistle dick is my new favorite -ism.
As the army prepares for battle….which will likely be nothing more than who can drink the most booze, I’ll be manning the triage station once all the broken bottle fights get under way.
CitizenX you make a good point. My biggest fear is that we find out the Eninen and Sunshine and Mumbles don’t even exist.
If this blog just turns out to be A Million Little Pieces revisited I will shit in an email and send it to Jeff.
CONGRATULATIONS on finishing the book Jeff!
Put me down for one copy! (Can I get it autographed too?!)
What is your plan for dealing with the extended family, once the realize that you have been mocking them for years?
That might be book #2. Just saying.
Tiff – I don’t know if you have tended bar in WV, but if so, I’m sorry for the JD incident(s).
all right, all right Surf Reporters….
…let’s just all take a deep breath…..
ok, let’s continue
by the way….
for those that do Twitter
click my name, see the list for West Virginia Surf Reporters
Holy Crap in a Bundt Pan
Alice in WV- Everything is back to normal with the bottom teeth. Extensive surgery and months of Codeine were my dentist’s Christmas gift to me. I see why people get addicted to it.
On IPOD right now- “Temptation”- Tom Waits
White Trash Barbie says
Congratulations Jeff! I used to love to read, but then I decided to major in English in college. That just beat the love of reading right out of me. Maybe with your help I can learn to love (reading) again.
AWG – Sorry to hear about the extensive surgery. I hope you are feeling better. Oh, and Go Colts!
Knucklehead & Gretchen: Winky’s was a God-awful fast food joint in my hometown of Indiana, PA, when I was in highschool. I believe there were a few scattered in the Pittsburgh area. It was utterly disgusting. They only employed the zit-faced, highschool dropouts who couldn’t even get a job at McDonald’s. The first (and last) time I was there the floor was sticky everywhere you walked (!). Empty food containers and trays polluted every table top so if you wanted to sit down you had to clear of the table yourself. The tabletops were sticky too. The edges of the burgers were curled up like they had been over-cooked, re-cooked, then reheated in the microwave. I swear the only safe thing to ingest was the fountain soda. I never attempted the bathroom. What’s funny is that I can remember this after 20+ years have passed! Wotta a true-blue shithole.
WB in OH says
bikerchick-A place that bad I just had to google. Is this the hellhole of which you speak?
Rat Bastard says
Aargh! Winky’s! The last time I was in one of those places was the early 80s, and you could tell they were on the way out. No customers were in the place, and like bikerchick said the food was re-re-reheated and everything in the place was filthy.
Anyone remember Burger Chef? Those disappeared slightly before Winky’s.
WB in OH: HAHAHAHA! That’s it!! Holy shit! I’m getting full body shivers over it. Even on the youtube link, the food looked less than appetizing! If you can’t make the food look good in a commercial, WTF is being served?
Rat Bastard: Jeez! I remember Burger Chef, too! Another fastfood delight.
WB in OH says
Rat Bastard-As in Burger Chef and Jeff, with the fixin’s bar for your burger.
When I was 8 or 9 my Dad took my little brother and me on a camping trip to Rocky Fork state park near Hillsboro, OH. We left all of our food back at the house and nearly every meal on that 4 or 5 day trip was consumed at the local Burger Chef. Thinking about that trip brings a big old grin to my face! One day my brother dropped his milkshake on the floor under the table and my Dad for some reason just gathered us up when we finished eating and left instead of getting somebody to clean it up. We still laugh about but I can’t figure out why Dad was too embarrassed to tell the manager his 6 year old droppped a shake.
Bikerchick: On the other side of PA we had the Winky’s equivalent, Gino’s. I once knew someone that worked there. He said he went to clean out the milkshake machine one day and when he opened it about six thousand maggots fell out in a wriggling, writhing heap. 😛 That was the end of Gino’s (and milkshakes for awhile) for me.
Crap, these emoticons piss me off!! That’s supposed to be a “blah” tongue, not what appears to be pure unadulterated joy at the thought of six thousand maggots flopping around on a countertop. [Insert angry emoticon here.]
Swami Bologna says
Gretchen, that’s funny, ’cause as Bikerchick was describing Winky’s, I was thinking about Gino’s, too. They were, in fact, pretty lousy.
On a lighter but related note, I give you Gwar’s “Maggots”:
AWG It must be the morphine because nothing will put your teeth on edge like listening to Tom Waits:)
Pagan- True, but I listen to Tom just to feel his pain. With every lyric he grunts out, I feel a little bit better about myself.
On IPOD right now- “What you Give”- Tesla
Gretchen: Think my gag reflex just kicked in. I haven’t seen that in a while.
T. Farty McAppleass says
welp, the twisted fucks at work finally saw fit to stop limiting my interweb access. I think my 30 minute rant with management had something to do with it. Here’s a snippet: “you expect me to sit there all day and never once look at lesbians or girls on the chunky side who take it up the ass? Absurd!” I think this made them see the error of their ways. Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – should be denied lesbian and chunky chick pictures and videos as a matter of principal. This is America for fucksake.
So when I’m not yanking my crank to some chubby honey I’ll be on here reading and making comments. USA! USA! USA!
Jeff, congrats on the book. I’ll pay a premium for a signed copy. I’m sure it’ll be a giant success, only sligtly less appealing than lesbos and chubbies – but that’s saying a lot.
Been here since the early days. BEFORE commenting and BEFORE the secrets were even mentioned here.
No reason for me to read archives unless I want to reminisce.
And YEAH he’s had this book stewing a VERY long time.
Hence the BIG day it was when he announced it was done.
Whoo! How yall been? For Christmas everyone is getting “tasteful” nude pictures of me that I took with my new digital camera. Some of them are black and white. We’re talking very artsy here. There’s a short story on the back of each print which basically details why I’m not ashamed of my penis.
Signed book. Put me and farty down for two. If you don’t get published then we’ll take the version printed from your computer and stapled in the corner.
I got so drunk last night that I actually kissed my sales manager and she grabbed my crotch. She’s not what many would call attractive. She hosted a party at her house and many people saw it. So that’s nice to think about this morning. She wanted everyone to wear ugly Christas sweaters. I couldn’t find one in the Men’s department so I bought a woman’s sweater that had deer antlers hanging from the tits and bells around the cuffs. I guess it just turned her on and she couldn’t stop herself. I accept no blame whatsoever.
And I’m hungover. And I forgot to drink coffee. I wish I could catch the pig flu today because it would probably make me feel better than I do right now.
I’m going up the road real quick to buy a giant baked potato that’s stuffed with a chili meal and cheese. Maybe I’ll feel better after that.
Swami Bologna says
Jason: Can you link to one of those pictures? I’m no homo, but I just gotta see a tasteful photo of your penis that you took yourself, and which you’re sending to people for Christmas. Maybe you could post the story as well.
Jason's boss says
You’re right. I could not help myself.
I’ll pick one out in the next day or two and post a link to it. I have one in mind. It’s a close-up side shot of my dolphin with a Christmas ornament hanging from the end of it. Semi erect. Again, very tasteful. There’s another one where I put one of those little paper chef hats that people put on the end of turkey legs over the head of my penis. That one will go out to grandparents and such. But I assume you guys wanna see the whole enchilada so I’ll probably stick with the first one.
As for the story, I can go ahead and give you one of those now:
I love my penis and it loves me back. I lotion it. I massage it. It has never been in the sun and yet it has a tan. It’s an amazing device and I’m so very proud of it. I wanted to give you something unique and personal this year. What’s more personal and unique than this picture of my lovely penis? Enjoy.
Jason: This is getting interesting. You could do an edible thing too. Too bad…this would have been a great party favor. Attach broken pretzel twists to look like antlers and a red cherry on the tip to go as Rudolph in keeping with the Christmas theme. Just sayin…
@mountie9wv – close, but not WV. Spent my time behind bar in Harrisonburg, VA. Plenty enough fights there for me!
That’s a great idea. Maybe for next year. I found this site, I think it’s called clone a willy or something like that, where they send you the stuff to make an exact replica of your penis. The replica ends up being a silicone dildo but I think they also sell kits where you can make chocolate replicas of your penis. Maybe next year I can give everyone a chocolate replica of my dick. Who wouldn’t appreciate that? All the thought and effort, and VERY unique.
Jason….on the chocolate thing…don’t forget to add the nuts!
White Trash Barbie says
Has anyone tried to watch this show Sing-Off? The husband and I are trying to watch it tonight because we learned last night that Ben Folds is one of the judges. I was looking forward to an evening with Ben, but I don’t think I can bear to watch any of this. One of the groups just did a Journey medley. I didn’t think I could hate Journey any more than I do, but I was wrong.