I spent Thursday, Friday, and a big part of Saturday at the library. And it’s starting to take its toll. I’m getting kinda… loopy. Now it’s time to return to work and submerge myself in another brand of tedium, in the middle of the night. I’m gonna end up fully crazy before it’s all over, I just know it.
The good news: I made some decent progress over the past few days. I’m happy with my efforts, but am concerned about meeting the final deadline. I might have to return to the yurt colony to pull it off. I need two full days inside an internetless roundhouse in the middle of the woods, with a coffee maker and a crate o’ Little Debbies. That would do it, I think.
So, look for me to start pushing the Evil Twin shirts even harder than normal in the near future. I’m gonna need some yurt money… I haven’t checked with the CEO, but I’m almost certain there’s no room for another such adventure in the general fund. Toney doesn’t work during August, and that’ll flat-out smash a man’s yurtly dreams.
Anyway… I notice some interesting things while sequestered inside the public library. It might seem kinda dull on the surface, but there’s actually quite a bit going on in there.
For instance, there are almost always one or two old ladies learning how to use the internet from a teenage nerd. Never men, only women. At first I wondered why, and then I imagined myself as an old man, after being pitched the idea. And here’s what I heard, inside my head:
Are you kidding me? I fought in Korea, and now you expect me to sit down with some doughy mama’s boy and learn how to shop for shoes on an electronic faggot box? I don’t think so, liver lips. I’m a man.
Yeah, that sounds about right… But I find it interesting to eavesdrop on the ladies’ training sessions. It’s amazing to me, that there are still people out there who don’t know ANYTHING about the internet. Nothing, whatsoever.
They get a tutorial on how to operate a mouse, and where to type a URL (they always insist on using the www. at the beginning of every address), and the usefulness of Google… And many of the women are amazed and almost giddy with excitement.
It’s kinda cool.
There’s also a lot of math tutoring that goes on in there. It’s usually some fat kid (once again) trying to break through a wall constructed entirely of disinterest and dumb. The tutor usually gets exasperated near the end, and it’s fun to listen in on their conversations.
And, of course, it’s shockingly noisy in the library. In fact, they have a “quiet room,” where you can go to read, or whatever. When I was a kid, the whole library was a quiet room, but not anymore. It’s more of a community center at this point. And I’m not a fan of all the loud talking, and discussions of replacement hips, etc. Sheesh. Some of us are trying to write a mean-spirited novel in here!
A woman sitting in front of me yesterday had a laptop computer that looked like an open pizza box, with an electric cord straight off a 1947 vacuum cleaner. She had it plugged into a big ol’ international adapter, so I’m assuming she was European or somesuch.
She continuously sighed because of the noise, all the kids crying and people playing YouTube videos right out in the open air, and finally snapped. She stood up, dramatically unplugged her euro-box, and marched out of there. And boy, will she have a few things to say about our little town when she gets back to Helsinki…
Tomorrow I’ll try to get back into the real world. I have a few non-library items in my notebook, believe it or not. So, I’ll see you then.
In the meantime, I’d like to know what you think about, when I ask, “Who is the ugliest person you’ve ever met?” Maybe I’m unusual, but I can answer that question without hesitation: a guy I used to work with in Atlanta. Hands down: ugliest. The man could scare varnish off a door.
And there’s a woman who lives near us with a gigantic lantern jaw, but all her features are at the top of her face. Lots and lots of wasted real estate…
What about you? Can you answer that question? If so, please do. And describe the guy or gal. What made ’em so ugly? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you again tomorrow.
Slackers!
A friend of mine once engaged in sexual congress with the ugliest woman I’ve ever met.
Her name was Toby and she looked like someone had attacked her with glue and hair. She also looked like she’d been punched in the face recently, setting her jaw (okay, entire face) askew.
My friend, upon sobering up and realizing what he did, spent about 3 hours crying over it.
I still type “www” at the front of URLs, even though I’ve been using the World Wide Web (who uses that term anymore?) since 1995 or so. Maybe I’m actually an old lady.
Not sure about the ugliest person… there’s one lady at work that looks like a cross between a 60-year-old man and a turtle… but she’s not actually hideous. Then we also have a guy that must weight over 400 lbs… but he’d look alright if he shed 200 pounds, aside from the loose skin that would result.
I remember when I was a young boy being scared of an old Italian woman who used to work in a fish & chip shop. She was ugly as sin.
She looked like the witch in Snow White. She had teeth like a row of condemned buildings and even had a big wart/mole on her eyebrow.
She was also very affectionate, which was doubly spooky.
She very nearly put me off deep fried food at an early age!
There was an little man who worked in my building – maybe 5’5″, 150 lbs soaking wet, and short clipped gray hair – you know – the kind that only wraps around the back of his head. Shiny as a cue-ball on the top.
Anyway, he had a HUGE goiter in the front of his neck. I swear it was a big as a canteloupe. The thing made him look like a bullfrog in full croak! HIDEOUS!!
Those Zeppelin boys knew how to party.
” I’m gonna end up fully crazy before it’s all over” , I hate to tell you this Jeff, We assumed you already were.
You haven’t had a library experience until you visit the San Francisco Main Public Library. Whatever you’re into, you can surely find it there. Oh, there are books there also…if you’re into that…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Oh, and as far as the ugliest person? That would have to be any neo-conservative or religious-“right” individual who judges others and tries to ram their way of thinking down our throats and consider those who don’t agree with them as having an agenda, or better yet, as activist judges.
There was a woman who hung out in a bar outside the Charleston Naval Shipyard that we (ship’s crew) called ‘the Eskimo’. She was pretty nasty, just kind of all scrunched-up and weathered-looking.
As part of a guy’s re-enlistment party (at this bar) we had a contest to see who could bring the ugliest woman. Someone brought the Eskimo, and the contest was over. I ended up with her not-too-ugly but very large friend, but fortunately sobered-up before doing anything I had to run from later!
fuck it i had something really good to say too. then i accidently hit the wrong key on my girlfriends laptop. funcking small as key boards. fuck im pissed.
ass
ok let me see if i can remember this correctly.
I may be wrong for this but listen to my argument.
Jeff Kay said, and I quote, “They get a tutorial on how to operate a mouse, and where to type a URL (they always insist on using the www. at the beginning of every address), and the usefulness of Google… And many of the women are amazed and almost giddy with excitement.”
Then Mr. Kay goes on to say “It’s kinda cool.”
My theory is this, Mr. Kay gets his kicks by watching senior citizen women get excited. No further comment.
p.s. i’m a fucking asshole.
“My name is close to Jeff Kay and I_m a life American ugly on cusp one half of crisis of the life”
Were I able to say it better I would.
jtb
My husband and I used to own an internet access center, and I would give lessons. Friday morning was dedicated to the most dense woman I had ever met – I had to teach the same lesson every week. I would wake up Friday morning, realize what day it was, and be in tears before I got out of bed. My husband insisted, “Hey, you’re getting paid either way, what do you care?”
Then one day he had to come to the shop just to listen in. He froze in his seat, despite an overwhelming need to pee, as he listened to me patiently try to explain to this woman “where cyberspace is”. She also couldn’t understand how the paper was transmitted over phone lines when you sent a fax.
I could go on with my stories of teaching seniors how to use a mouse (“I AM right-clicking!” “No, you’re left-clicking, I’m watching you.” “I AM NOT LEFT-CLICKING, I AM USING MY RIGHT HAND!”), how to create a folder to store documents (“I just keep them all in this trash can in the corner”) and how they shouldn’t press “PRINT SCREEN” each time they page down a little on a website so they “can take it home to read later.”
I kept a bottle of bourbon behind the counter.
The three comments preceding mine would read the same were they typed during a fight inside a telegraphy cage in 1880. If they are read in that context, one can see the video projected on the brain.
Too bad, because it fails to reach EV only by not noticing that a very young person talking with a very old person creates a time machine effect.
It is, in fact, kinda cool.
Very little offense intended valentin. I know you’re working with an unfamiliar and unfriendly device.
And it’s a tough audience, but worth it. The bastards say welcome.
jtb
Frank…I think Jeff meant ugly on the outside.
For some reason I’m drawing a blank on ugly people.
my father would never call anyone ugly, but he IS fond of saying “If she’s not ugly, she’ll sure do till the ugly ones get here!”
Turn yourself (or someone else) into an Ugly Dancer at theuglydance.com (no www in the front needed).
N.B. – But where is Data General now? Ah, we were soldiers once, and young.
My wife refuses to not type the “www.” before everything. She won’t even use the auto-complete. She thinks she has to type the whole damn address in.
I am the ugliest person I have ever come across. I only look into the mirror to shave,and I can do that in less than 2 minutes.
BUT, my wife thinks I could be a model.
Issues? Not really. I’m cool with ugly.
My English teacher in high school was the ugliest person I have ever met. She was a lovely person but she had a face like a cane toad that had been run over with a lawn mower and a voice that would take the enamel off your teeth.
The more I hear, the less useful this ‘library’ sounds. I enjoyed the BPL as a kid 45 years ago, but I might not enjoy the JKPL today. Jeff, I don’t know how you can work in an environment like that, but kudos.
I can’t think of anyone in the severe, goiter-and-boil class of ugliness. Regarding unattractive people, a relative of mine used to say “she’s not ugly, she just looks that way”. I have adopted this and made it my own.
.
You know how generally people of mixed race tend to turn out beautiful, no matter what their parents look like? Well, not the guy I’m thinking of. I never had a class with him, but I’d see him on campus in college. He was half-white/half asian, and ended up with bug-eyes, no chin, huge nose, huge ears. Just awful. Felt so bad for him.
I often worry when I can’t find the ugliest person in the room. Makes me wonder if its me. Same thing with the fattest. Its something I always do. When its the same person, ugliest and fattest it gives me a little thrill.
I often wonder if parents realize how ugly their kids are. I’ve seen some real unfortunate looking ones.
Can ugly be from a movie? Freakshow from “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” I think he sets the standard.
Some babies are ugly and then you hear their parents “oohing” and “ahhhing”. I wonder if they realize their baby is not that cute. The Olsen twins from early Full House are in that category. I could not figure out why people thought they were cute. I just couldn’t see it.
Top 30, I think.
Damn, I can sure point out a person’s faults with ease, but it just isn’t in me to rag on someone because they’re ugly.
Ugliest person I have met…yikes! I haven’t a clue. I mean, I’ve met some weird looking people…like this guy I was in the Air Force with, who had the most HUGE head I have ever seen. It wasn’t that he was ugly, it was just that his head was really, really big.
Ugliest person in a profession where good looks pay off: A 50-something stripper in North Dakota, wearing her wedding dress as a costume, and swearing at the guys in the audience for not tipping her enough. Serious quote from her, as the song “I’m too sexy” was playing: Come on you losers, I got 5 kids back at the house who depend on the money I bring in. I need some dollars!!”
@Sidney, good looks aren’t necessarily a requirement for a career as a model. The “pilot” of the plane in this video has a HUGE career as a male model in Japan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI4M15I9f2s
>electronic faggot box<
Very much yes.
@clintcurtis, holy crap man! I only withstood 45 seconds of that crap!
I’ll try to watch more tomorrow. I’ll TRY!
There are different types of ugly.
*Handicapped/Retarded Ugly- Chromosome surplus that can’t be helped.
*Disfigured Ugly- Scars, burns, missing parts of the face…lost in the fate lottery.
*Genetically Ugly- Also losers in the fate lottery. I think this is what JK is looking for.
*Voluntarily Ugly- Diet & hygiene issues, often paired with horrific fashion sense. These are the easiest targets…WalMart types.
Oh man…there was a “woman” my buddy was dating (or something) for a few months that was just hideous. I referred to her as “The Masterpiece” because she looked like some sort of odd abstract art. Her hairline was back on the center of her head and her skin looked like flesh colored play-doh. Scary stuff…
I worked with a woman who was a dead ringer as Danny Devito playing the Penguin in the Batman movie. FUGLY. She had a shit attitude to match her ugliness so I don’t feel bad picking on her.
I tought “English as a Second Language” at my local library. Jeff, you’re right, when the hell idd the library become the community center? Quiet, people, you’re in a library. I wonder when funeral parlors will start hosting parties? Isn’t that another place you’re supposed to keep hushed tones?
Hey Frank go fuck yourself.
One of my great aunts had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. My dad used to say that she could ‘make a monkey eat its young’.
Come to think about it, she wasn’t even that nice on the inside either!
You’re gonna love libraries even less when your mean-spirited book is published, and instead of forking over a few bucks to Amazon, some fuck comes up to you and goes “Hey, I just borrowed your book at the library.” Another potential sale bites the dust. You’ll rue the day Ben Franklin invented the library system.
I remember going to the Clermont Lounge in Atlanta with some friends once. If you’re not in the know, the place is sort of a dance/night club with some scary strippers mixed in. I say scary… the place has been described as a stripper graveyard.
Anyway, I remember seeing one ghastly stripper dancing at a table across the room. I think her breasts would’ve dragged the ground had they not been perch atop her belly. Yikes!!
Hey Glenn Beck,
Show me how to do that since you must have that mastered (don’t have a premature ejaculation over that word) given how well you know how to fuck others.
And, have a good day.
Gordian,
There are over 9,000 public libraries in the US. That’s 9k sales. End of useless trivia.
Glenn Beck restoring honor to the WVSR.
Low Bridge – http://11foot8.com/
“There’s a railroad trestle over Gregson Street in Durham, North Carolina that has a clearance of only 11 feet, 8 inches. Truck drivers have been crashing into it since as early as 1956. The above video shows 13 crashes taking place there over a 13 month period, but the link is to a site chronicling even more crashes at the site over more than 50 years.”
Hey Frank lighten the fuck up. Ever hear of sarcasm?
I worked with a person whose face looked like an explosion happened at the playdough factory. He had a very taoist way of looking at it.
He said being ugly was rather freeing since you know people are interacting with you honestly and without pretense. He didn’t have to worry about posers or shallow people and if he was ok with his look the rest of the world may as well just sail right on by.
Welp. I didn’t win any money at the Casino. I didn’t lose much either so I’ll call it a wash. bickerchick. we ate at the Wheel House…not bad.
I hate it when someone says, “well she’s pretty on the inside.” I always think to myself, “Someone needs to turn her ugly ass inside-out then.”
Frank, go fuck yourself.
Jeez, Glenn Beck,
Practice what you preach. Lighten up already. Get as clue. Like I would take anything seriously from a character named “Glenn Beck”?
I love the smell of napalm in the morning…