On Friday I went to breakfast at Waffle House, and the place was complete pandemonium. There were people waiting for booths, and the only open seat was at the very end of the “high bar,” way down near the bathrooms.
I don’t much enjoy smelling urinal cakes (piss biscuits) while having my morning meal, but there weren’t many other options. So, I climbed up onto the elevated chair and tried not to think about what was undoubtedly happening four feet from me. …And hoping nobody’s sausage disagreed with them.
I ordered my regular: the Big Retarded Field Hand Breakfast, or whatever, with sweet tea. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but I think Waffle House’s coffee is horrible. It tastes like potting soil filtered through a seventh grader’s gym sock.
While I waited, both bathroom doors continuously opened and closed. And Niagara Falls sounds faded in and out. I watched a woman unbutton and unzip her pants before she was even in the vicinity of the bathroom. And I saw a guy enter the men’s room, while still chewing something. Every once in a while I thought I heard an ass go off, but it might’ve just been the paranoia talking.
I also worried about microscopic, airborne poop spores, if you know what I mean. I could imagine them swirling around, and raining down on my bacon.
All in all I didn’t much care for the ambiance, but the food was good (as usual). I give it a 7 out of 10.
Over the weekend Toney and I also returned to the Beer Snob Tavern inside Cooper’s in Scranton. They have a regular bar there, with a patio and Corona posters, and all that stuff. But way back in the rear of the place is a second bar, smaller and snootier. And you can probably guess which one we prefer…
Here’s Saturday’s beer list. Hilarious.
I went with the Boulder Mojo IPA (excellent), and the Victory Festbier (not bad, not great). Toney had the Long Trail Harvest, and a Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale. She liked both, especially the Dogfish.
The cheesy crab dip with nacho chips was mighty fine, as well. God, how I love the Beer Snob Tavern…
Last week my back hurt for the entire seven days. Well, maybe six. I’m not sure. In any case, I must’ve done something at work, and woke up the next morning in an advanced state of discomfort. I was walking crooked, and feeling bad for mocking “the lower case r” at the public library.
This happens from time to time, but it usually only lasts for a day or two. I started to get concerned after day four.
The pain was in my lower back, at the northern tip of the Great Divide. I could barely walk when I got out of bed, and was tilting radically to the left. Like MSNBC. I gobbled aspirin, and they helped a little, but only a little.
The past couple of days, though, I’ve felt much better. And the distress and worry is so fresh in my mind, I’m really appreciating the progress. Every time I get out of a chair without cartoon lightning bolts of pain shooting from my back, it feels like the biggest luxury I’ve known to date. The post-pain days are very fine indeed.
Stupid 46 year old spine…
I was at Target recently, and spotted this greeting card. A serious, non-jokey Halloween card with Barack Obama on the front. Complete with photoshopped pumpkin on his lapel.
Yes, this brought back pleasant memories of being in grade school, and receiving a Gerald Ford valentine from a girl I secretly admired. I didn’t really understand the reference to the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT) on the inside, but it brightened my day nonetheless.
Ahhh… such wonderful times.
And I’ll leave you now with a Question that occurred to me while seated near the pee-catchers at Waffle House on Friday. A guy behind me kept screeeeeching his fork against his plate. Know what I mean? He continuously scraped the thing and it made a noise that made my whole body go tense.
It’s that proverbial fingernails on a chalkboard thing. And I’ve learned, incredibly, that these triggers differ from person to person. Toney, for instance, wouldn’t even notice the fork against the plate sound, but completely loses her shit whenever she hears Andy licking his foot, or whatever — which doesn’t bother me at all.
So, that’s the Question: What are your own personal fingernails on the chalkboard sounds? What noises makes your muscles go rigid, and your teeth start to grinding? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then.
First!!!!!!!!!
I cannot stand the sound of fingernail clipping.
Cuppa tree!!!
The sound made by subwoofers when they are used for a purpose other than intended. Such as driving by my house @ 3AM in the morning with the speakers blaring and everything is rattling in the house including the fillings in my teeth. Of course the last guy that did that won’t be doing it anymore and I don’t think they’ll find his body either.
I’m a leaf on the wind, watch me soar…and then I’m gone.
Dropping things rather than setting them down.
toothbrushing. the sound of it makes me gag. can’t even hear it on TV.
Top ten!!
The sound that gets to me every time: the annoying “beep, beep, beep” that commercial trucks make when reversing.
It’s not just the pitch of the beep, it’s the slight pause between each one.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
As a surf reporter put it succinctly a week or so ago, makes me want to kick puppies.
Styrofoam- As a kid, I used to play with a toy drill and drill through styrofoam endlessly. Never bothered me….ever. At some point, I got to the point that any touching of a piece of styrofoam causes me to jump out of my skin. Can’t be around people unwrapping stereo equipment fro tne original packing. Can’t be around packing peanuts.
On IPOD right now- “Happiness in Slavery”- Nine Inch Nails
Bugs Bunny crunching a carrot makes my eyes pucker. It didn’t when I was a kid, but now… I think that’s what made my parents cranky.
ANY sound that comes from someones mouth that’s not talking is gross. Eating, lip smacking, and yawning way to loud just make me want to sow their mouth shut like that freaky clay-mation cartoon movie guy…But other than that, nothing bothers me.
Gotta go with Rod: it’s those damned subwoofers. And the ironic part is: one of my good friends owns the shop that installs most of them in my town. I shoot carton arrows at him every time a car goes by with the subs blaring. There’s no music. it just straight noise.
The noise of washing machines out of balance bothers me.
I second “AWG”, Styrofoam is the worst!
Jeff- I hafta agree with Toney…the dog licking his paws, especially at night, drives me bugshit.
My older dog also pants during the night until he goes back to sleep. huh-a-huh-a-huh-a-huh-a-huh-a-huh, etc.
The only thing that can drown it out is the voice in my head screaming “SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP SHUT-UP”
I can’t stand the sound of my mom eating a banana. I also can’t stand the lead singer of Blink 182’s voice. That’s my nails on a chalkboard.
I have lots of them! (Yes, I have issues)- here is just a sample:
The squeaking of the shoes on the court during a basketball game
When people pull their fork across their teeth when eating
Sloppy kissing sounds on TV
The dog cleaning himself
I’ll be back with more…
When people scrape their fork across their teeth I want to get a wooden mallet and smash their clavicles into a fine powder.
Birds chirping early in the morning make me want to put out bird feeders full of rat poison.
People chomping gum in front of me do well not to turn their backs for even one second, lest they find an ice pick in their spine.
There are certain phone rings that piss me off, but not that bad.
I hate the sound of my wife fucking other men while I’m trying to sleep. “We have three other bedrooms. Can’t you rude fuckers go somewhere else?” Jeez.
I don’t think most of the people above understand Jeff’s Question of the Day. He’s not asking what sounds annoy you or irritate you. He’s asking what sounds cause actual physical pain, the way that fingernails on the chalkboard cause many people (including me) to experience physical pain. Of the above posts, I think the only person that “gets it” so far is AWG, who mentions styrofoam. That gets me, too, but only when two pieces of stryofoam are rubbed together. My other two biggies (in addition to actual fingernails on the chalkboard) are:
1. A Magic Marker on paper.
2. Squeezing cottonballs.
Now, it’s possible that some people are immune from these sounds, and don’t ever feel any physical pain from any noises. Jeff suggested as much when he said “these triggers differ from person to person” — it’s possible that some don’t have the triggers at all. And for those who don’t understand what we’re talking about, it’s a physical pain unlike any other, and it has nothing to do with pain to the ears. Again, Jeff described it pretty well: they “make your muscles go rigid, and your teeth start to grinding.” He means this literally, not figuratively. To elaborate, the sounds send an actual physical response up the spine, resulting in the hearer needing to contort the body and turn the head. Are there people who have no idea what we’re talking about? Or does everyone experience this from some sounds?
Crunching ice and knuckle cracking. Makes me want to stab thier eyeballs out with big forks. There is a gal who sits behind me at work who starts on a big cup of ice every morning before I’ve had even the first cup of coffee. I can’t get my earbuds on fast enough to save her life.
My son can crack his knuckles and his toes but all I have to do is give him that look and he knows he better stop!
And true, you can’t actual “hear” a cottonball being squeezed. But the result is the same as the sound of fingernails on the chalkboard.
I agree with the last couple of posters — diners biting their fork will just drive my shoulders up over my ears. I agree with Jeff as well, scraping the tines of a fork across a plate. Brrr ! Let’s just do away with metal forks from here on in — sporks for everyone !
I hate the sound of people chewing. There’s a simple solution to this problem: chew with your mouth closed, however this seems to be a dying art.
I also hate the sound of wet shoes on tile floors, and I agree with Shiny et. al. regarding sub woofers.
People chewing with their mouths open. I have to leave the room when a Carl’s Jr. commercial comes on.
Swami Bologna- The things I listed DO cause me actual physical pain.
You can also add pulling velcro apart to that list
The sound of teeth on a metal utensil-full body shiver.
To tell the truth, I only have to IMAGINE fingernails on a chalkboard and it gives me chills.
Beyond that, I inherited my old man’s intolerance for the sound of ANYTHING rattling in the back seat of the car (where I can’t possibly reach while driving).
As fate would have it, we went to Waffle House Friday too. It is rare, so I feel spooky writing it. I have a hat, my boy has a hat, and all was 8.5/10. I had the Don’t mess with Texas burger.
Is there a finer phrase in the English Language than “Airborne poop spores?” I envision the spore sprouting into a mushroom cloud of funk.
My Evil Step-Mother would worry that your food was covered in fart molecules. Every breath you took would saturate your bloodstream with fart like Carbon Monoxide, when you fire up the Kingsford in your trailer house. I’m worried about you Jeff.
My fingernails on the chalkboard sound is the sound of anyone else but my wife and son eating. I cannot abide it.
Go Bengals! You will make me find a new losing team yet.
Someone chewing gum with their mouth open drives me bat shait.
I hate the sound of the chick at the Proctologist’s office
saying, “Next”. She’s so goddamn cheerful.
The sound an empty wine bottle makes when I throw it in the trash.
@Shiny Rod…I’da guesed it was a leaf blower.
I would like to point out, without reading many of the other posts, so if I’m repeating something already said, sue me…
There’s a difference between the “fingernails on the chalkboard” reaction and something just driving you crazy.
If one of my kids repeatedly taps his pencil on the table it will drive me nuts, but if I hear the sound of broken glass grating against itself (like a broken flourescent bulb in the bottom of the trash being pulverized by the kid who was tapping the pencil) my jaw will involuntarily clench and cold chills will run down my spine, I get the exact same reaction from sand on the beach getting up under my toenails. My wife on the other hand is like Jeff and the squeking of the fork, or nails on a chalkboard (oddly enough) will set of this reaction. Rubbing your fingers down the side of a balloon creating that melodic high pitched farting noise will actually elicit both reactions in my wife and daughter, so needless to say my son and I try to take advantage of every “balloon opportunity” we get.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
I’m with Swami Bologna about the cotton thing. If a cotton ball is pulled apart or if cotton gets snagged on a rough piece of fingernail, it shreds and that gives me absolute full bodied piss shivers. Not so much a sound as it is a sensation.
Another sound, and this may just be me, put any type of wrapper being pulled off a frozen item, i.e. popsicles. I’m getting the jeebies just typing this.
THE SOUND OF MY MOTHER’S VOICE CAUSES ME PHYSICAL PAIN.
I bent my fingernail all the way back the other day when cleaning and it made my teeth hurt and stuff like nails on a chalkboard everytime I thought about it for like 2 days. the nail didn’t break and it didn’t hurt it just really grossed me out. Does that count?
Jeff,
Bonus points for the Brandon Bird painting in the Bunker Cam! I prefer “Killing Machine” (a painting of Bea Arthur fighting a raptor: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Do1wtnYf2yQ/SfPkmFhmQaI/AAAAAAAAGQY/X8iK_KXgmcM/s400/brandon+bird+killing+machine.jpg), but that was a good choice too.
Nice beer list.
Recently got back fom a trip to Boston. Had two tree Harpoon IPAs. Very nice but they call ’em HaHHpoons up there.
What really annoys, irritates, and even causes me physical pain is when someone doesn’t approve of the direction in which WVSR comments are going, thinks that those commenting have somehow strayed from the true intent/meaning of the Question of the Day, and then launches into a diatribe in which he endeavors to carefully explain “to those who don’t understand what we’re talking about” just what the focus of the comments should be.
A full-on body shiver results when that person then feels compelled “to elaborate”.
C’mon, dude…chill!
Try chewing some tin foil. That sends shiver signals up my spine, although it’s not something that I’m exposed to that often.
I can NOT stand the sound of someone cracking their knuckles, toes, neck….It makes me INSANE!
On the other hand, Mr.Man can not stand to listen to me do this really weird laugh I do, (mainly to annoy him when he’s annoying me)…
I LOVE the sound Jello makes when you stick something in it and then pull it out again…
Sticking something in Jello and pulling it out again. That gives me an idea……..
Nothing bothers me. I’m weird.
– Open mouth chewing,
– The singer from Nickelback,
– Dr. Phil’s voice,
– Billy Mays,
– Things rattling in the car. True story: We were driving home from east nowhere Vermont – the entire state seems to be one continuous hilly/windy road with no shoulder or turnoffs – and there were some metal pots & pans rattling in the back, driving me nuts. But there was nowhere to stop, I was unfamiliar with the roads, and I had Vermonters riding up my ass, even though I was doing 45 or 50. Meanwhile my wife wanted me to see if I could look for someone selling maple syrup (sure, honey). After 20 miles of this, I crested a hill, and noticed a road splitting-off to the right, with a covered bridge. I pulled off the road there, and almost hit a woman sitting at a table, selling maple syrup.
Hearing a pencil writing on paper makes my teeth hurt. Scritch, scritch, scritch. UGH! I always write with a pen.
Bees or any flying insect that makes that zzzzzz sound, but I mostly clamp up if I see a wasp or yellow jacket.
Phlegmy coughing gets a full body shiver out of me.
Also, people with laryngitis who insist on holding a conversation with me. That causes instanteous teeth grindingand shoulder shaking.
I cannot stand the sounds of farts coming from the guy next to me!!!
Everyone seems to be grumpy about the change in topic. A case of Mondays it may be?? Anywho..Things I hate… boom boom cars, invariably a little rusted out toyota with a mini thug inside. My hubby and son, like to rub their fingers together (first finger and thumb lets say) against a fabric…for the feeling I guess. That sound makes me feel ick.
There. two different things, but both disliked in my mind. Another..my little guy setting his sippy cup against the wall and his bed..scraping on the wall that will wake me up and send me into an absolute rage.
The sound of a dentist’s drill. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the same room with me or down the hall. It sets me on edge and makes me eye the distance between me and the door every time.
In another life when I was married we had a set of Ironstone dinnerware (plates for those of you in Dunbar). Forks across ironstone make my ears bleed.
And, Jeff…the other day I stood up and threw my back out for several days. Thats all…just stood up. Getting older sux.
Horky nose sucking throat clearers and nose blowing turn me green and queasy. Forks scraping against teeth grate up my spine. People who drag their feet, completely piss me off. How f-ing lazy can you be? Pick up your g-damn feet, go to the bathroom to hork your boogers and if you cannot eat without denting the silverware then drink all your meals from a straw!
Wow, I am hostile today. Feels good to vent all of that.
There is a couple things that makes my skin turn inside itself until I am a live-action Itchy & Scratchy episode. (See The Simpsons to get that one).
1.) Styrofoam – I can’t touch it or be near others when it is touched because of that damn sound it makes. I’m in a fetal position just thinking about it.
2.) Barefeet on Concrete – I don’t know why, but I can’t stand being barefeet on concrete. It gives me chills just thinking about it. Whenever I see my father he is barefoot & it drives me up the damn wall. First, his feet are filthy, I mean F-I-L-T-H-Y. Second, my legs give out whenever he takes a step because I can’t stand the feel of the concrete on my feet. Strange? I think not.
Now Playing on iPhone: ‘Ode to My Family’ by The Cranberries