On Friday I went to breakfast at Waffle House, and the place was complete pandemonium. There were people waiting for booths, and the only open seat was at the very end of the “high bar,” way down near the bathrooms.
I don’t much enjoy smelling urinal cakes (piss biscuits) while having my morning meal, but there weren’t many other options. So, I climbed up onto the elevated chair and tried not to think about what was undoubtedly happening four feet from me. …And hoping nobody’s sausage disagreed with them.
I ordered my regular: the Big Retarded Field Hand Breakfast, or whatever, with sweet tea. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but I think Waffle House’s coffee is horrible. It tastes like potting soil filtered through a seventh grader’s gym sock.
While I waited, both bathroom doors continuously opened and closed. And Niagara Falls sounds faded in and out. I watched a woman unbutton and unzip her pants before she was even in the vicinity of the bathroom. And I saw a guy enter the men’s room, while still chewing something. Every once in a while I thought I heard an ass go off, but it might’ve just been the paranoia talking.
I also worried about microscopic, airborne poop spores, if you know what I mean. I could imagine them swirling around, and raining down on my bacon.
All in all I didn’t much care for the ambiance, but the food was good (as usual). I give it a 7 out of 10.
Over the weekend Toney and I also returned to the Beer Snob Tavern inside Cooper’s in Scranton. They have a regular bar there, with a patio and Corona posters, and all that stuff. But way back in the rear of the place is a second bar, smaller and snootier. And you can probably guess which one we prefer…
Here’s Saturday’s beer list. Hilarious.
I went with the Boulder Mojo IPA (excellent), and the Victory Festbier (not bad, not great). Toney had the Long Trail Harvest, and a Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale. She liked both, especially the Dogfish.
The cheesy crab dip with nacho chips was mighty fine, as well. God, how I love the Beer Snob Tavern…
Last week my back hurt for the entire seven days. Well, maybe six. I’m not sure. In any case, I must’ve done something at work, and woke up the next morning in an advanced state of discomfort. I was walking crooked, and feeling bad for mocking “the lower case r” at the public library.
This happens from time to time, but it usually only lasts for a day or two. I started to get concerned after day four.
The pain was in my lower back, at the northern tip of the Great Divide. I could barely walk when I got out of bed, and was tilting radically to the left. Like MSNBC. I gobbled aspirin, and they helped a little, but only a little.
The past couple of days, though, I’ve felt much better. And the distress and worry is so fresh in my mind, I’m really appreciating the progress. Every time I get out of a chair without cartoon lightning bolts of pain shooting from my back, it feels like the biggest luxury I’ve known to date. The post-pain days are very fine indeed.
Stupid 46 year old spine…
I was at Target recently, and spotted this greeting card. A serious, non-jokey Halloween card with Barack Obama on the front. Complete with photoshopped pumpkin on his lapel.
Yes, this brought back pleasant memories of being in grade school, and receiving a Gerald Ford valentine from a girl I secretly admired. I didn’t really understand the reference to the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty (SALT) on the inside, but it brightened my day nonetheless.
Ahhh… such wonderful times.
And I’ll leave you now with a Question that occurred to me while seated near the pee-catchers at Waffle House on Friday. A guy behind me kept screeeeeching his fork against his plate. Know what I mean? He continuously scraped the thing and it made a noise that made my whole body go tense.
It’s that proverbial fingernails on a chalkboard thing. And I’ve learned, incredibly, that these triggers differ from person to person. Toney, for instance, wouldn’t even notice the fork against the plate sound, but completely loses her shit whenever she hears Andy licking his foot, or whatever — which doesn’t bother me at all.
So, that’s the Question: What are your own personal fingernails on the chalkboard sounds? What noises makes your muscles go rigid, and your teeth start to grinding? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
See ya then.
The sound of an asshole packing his cigarette pack at a bar drives me crazy. It strikes me as a pretentious “Hey look how cool I am” kind of move.
Also, for the back, why not an advil? Those are better for that kind of thing? I’d say alleve, but alleve gives me such bad heartburn I can’t recommend it.
Tylenol maybe?
More beer?
DTO – That would have been Jason.
Jason – You’ll never go back to Velveeta
MJ fans “This is it” Check out Michael’s release. http://bit.ly/taFbH
I hate the sound of T Farty grinding his teeth while I’m showing his wife how it’s done.
I like the sound barefoot girls make on concrete. I like barefoot girls…Ok…that’s weird uh?
Styrofoam kills me! A guy I work with incessantly whistles something tuneless over and over, My husband was on a ventilator for quite a long time and it affected his swallowing. After a drink of a beverage he goes ahhhhh, he can’t help it but it bugs me! Forks on plates, Mouth breathers, horking mucus, Bad ballasts in fluorescent lights, radio stations that are not quite tuned in,,,,,
Cracking knuckles and toes, things rattling in the car, a dog licking his/her asshole and various other body parts, and foam against foam. Not styrofoam, although I’m not great with that either, but the foam in couch cushions and things of that ilk. Even just thinking about it makes my hair stand on end. UGH!
“Andy licking his foot, or whatever…….”
Now let me guess what the “whatever” might be?
Of course now that I think of it, there are more sounds/things that drive me batshit crazy. Here they are:
3.) Spoons in cereal bowls. I hate the sound the spoon makes in a cereal bowl when it is being dragged, to gather every last bit of milk/cereal bit. This produces that slurping sound people make when eating or drinking milk/cereal bits. Yarg! Perhaps this is why I refuse to eat cereal?
4.) Pencils on paper. I only write with pen because I cannot stand the way the pencil on paper feels. I don’t like the sound, I don’t like the feel and I don’t like hearing other people writing with pencils. And, yes, I can hear it. It’s awful!
Squick sounds – the cotton ball thing, the styrofoam thing, and this new one: stirring moist macaroni salad.
Sounds like soft-core porn kissing.
Boy Bands.
Intense pain from my ears to my temples via that dark, dark place in my mind that makes me want to inflict terrible pain on teenage musicians!
oh yeah, and Hammond organs.
Hey Swami, I’m tearing cotton!
‘Kin ya hear it? Kin ya? Kin ya?’
I really despise hearing the singer for Radiohead, whatever his name is. The sound of his voice almost induces nausea. I also despise seeing him, but not nearly as much as hearing him.
Whenever a TV program shows someone looking over a cliff, or from the top of a tall building to the ground below, and it’s like a thousand feet down, I get a really weird feeling all over, like an internal tickling feeling that’s really gross. Whenever a TV show shows someone who’s about to buy the farm because of a stupid human trick, and they stop the movement of the show just before it happens, I get that same weird, kind of body rush feeling. It’s really gross, and I hate it. It’s the same reason I don’t watch horror movies. I guess the people who make those shows know that everyone will have that same feeling.
for me its “Sniffling” like when a little kid needs to blow their nose but its an adult. I just want to scream and throw tissues at them.
I cannot tell you how many presentations I have done where an audience member does it until I lose my stuff.
Someone gulping their drink. That gulping sound *shudder* I can’t stand it even for a few seconds.
@Jason,
How did you like your personal-sized jello shooter?
Just curious.
Greg
Touché, t-storm, touché!
Greg in Cincinnati and Shiny Rod,
The jello was a terrible idea. It made the worst mess and didn’t feel good in the least. I think I’m going to have to shave my pubes, I can’t tell yet because of all the salve soaked gauze everything is wrapped in at the moment. I guess you’re supposed to wait until it cools down and sets up? What a disaster.
as to the above comment…too fucking hilarious. hhhahahhahahaha
I hate when people bite on their forks, the sound of metal against teeth drives me insane. I get the same feeling when people shuffle/drag their shoes on the ground instead of picking up their feet to walk. It’s even worse if they are in flip-flops.
Sorry the Jello was such a bad experience for you Jason. It’s always such a pleasant one for me…and as for the sticking….use a little non-stick cooking spray first. I guess I should have “explained” why I like the sound of things being put into Jello and pulled out again, but I was trying to be a good girl.
I get nervous every time I comment here now so I don’t always write what I really want to. I hold back a lot…
That reminds me of a Dave Attell bit.
Yanni has a CD called the sounds of love and it’s wind blowing and wind chimes. That’s not the sound of love! I want to hear balls slapping ass. I want to hear something that sounds like a boot stuck in mud only wetter.
Sounds that are like nails on a chalkboard to me… I’m on board with the utensils on teeth and utensils on plates, and I also don’t care for metal scraping across my fingernails. Strictly speaking that isn’t really a sound, but it does induce a full body cringe.
Tilly, as much as I like your mother, you are right. She does sometimes strike a tone that is, I imagine, akin to having an icepick jammed into the base of your skull.
DTO – That is not weird at all. I like barefoot women also (of course, I’m a lifelong West Virginian, so not necessarily unexpected – – sorry Buzzardbilly, don’t mean to encourage stereotypes). As far as I’m concerned, the more natural the woman (except for excess hair) the better.
As for sounds, the proverbial nails on the chalkboard kills me. In fact, I can’t stand chalk…period. No chalk on chalkboard, no touching chalk, no seeing chalk. Makes my arms cross and try to rip my shoulders from my spine. It’s just too dry. I hate dry. I like wet. Back to the barefoot women…
BTW, Tammie, don’t hold back.
Whenever I am in a department store with an escalator, I can hear it squealing. It curls my teeth (listen next time and see if you can’t hear it too)
I hate New Year’s Eve noismakers/poppers.
I can’t go to the chiropractor because the sounds of the snapping makes me feel a little sick
the sound of a beer pouring on tv drives me batty. that’s not what beer sounds like. screw you multimillion commercials!
Tammie – I am with mountie9wv, don’t hold back. You are so smart and funny! Plus, it goes against the core of who you are to hold back, so don’t o it!
*Silverware on a plate makes my skin crawl
*People who chew with their mouth open (A friend of mine who sits over the cubicle wall from me and she does that. I can hear her over the wall!)
*Alarm clocks on commercials that sound like mine
*Dogs cleaning themselves when I’m trying to fall asleep. When I’m awake, doesn’t bother me at all.
*People who don’t pick up their feet when they walk
*Gum knawers (or however you spell it)
I’m with Toney!!! I cannot stand the dog lick/chew sound for one second. I also hate chronic whistlers and gum poppers.
The sound of crows en masse sliding along our aluminium gutters waiting for their daily selection of bread crusts and other leftovers shoots a shiver up my spinal cord that explodes in my brain stem.
“It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The blackbird sat
In the cedar-limbs.”
Wallace Stevens…from “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”
I wish you well…jtb
Nobody mentioned static yet. I can’t handle it when someone is trying to get a radio station that’s even slightly too far away. Or if you’re trying to figure out how to get the DVD player to work, and you accidentally turn the wrong thing off or on, and get a burst of static and the white screen. I have to turn the volume off immediately.
But you all have reminded me of a lot of other things I hate to hear.
i can’t stand the sounds of children. shrieking, crying, howling, whining anything like that.
also teenagers bother me.
if i hear those sounds i get into a murderous rage.. like a survival mode. and just want to use my fists to make it stop.
I hate any sound that comes out of my wife’s mouth !
I can’t stand stupid crybaby children either. “I want this, I want that. I need my insulin.” STFU brat.
Noises that really get under my skin:
1) The sound of a tree falling in a forest when no one is there to hear it
2) The sound of one hand clapping
Also, I think that it is important to note that maps spelled backwards is spam
What am I missing the in new updated bunkercam picture? Somebody help.
On IPOD right now- “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love”- Van Halen
AWG-Their sitting on some dude! Took me forever!
Holy Shit, I could have looked at that all day and not saw that!
As I sit here and eat my fucking apple for lunch, with my newly chisled body, my arteries felt like they were hardening a little bit, just watching Wanda make her macaroni salad in “Further Evidence”. But it did make me hungry….until I looked at Wanda some more.
On IPOD right now- Brain Damage”- Pink Floyd
They’re…fuck!
Having not watched the ‘further evidence’ link before I made my comment regarding macaroni salad, I would now like to rescind my comment.
Stirring mac sal will NEVER sound like soft-core porn kissing again. EVER.
Damn.
more like supple sara
When the hell did Boulder,CO become a ‘west coast’ city? Did CA and AZ and UT finally fall into the ocean? Cause that would kick ass!
Gee, not one Mary Hart voice-induced epileptic seizure sufferer. What’re the odds of that?
Physically painful sounds:
A TV on mute (yes, I really can hear that), well, any mechanical whine, really. And Government Mule. That band literally causes me teeth grinding, tension-headache pain. Also, incessant scratching when I’m trying to sleep. I know it itches, but quit! Oh, and hiccups. *shudder*
i agree. i can hear a tv on mute. it makes a sound, like electronics being on. maybe it’s the 60 cycle hum. doesn’t bother me normally, but will keep me up if i’m trying to sleep, unless i’m drunk.