I haven’t been to an enormous number of weddings, and of the ones I have attended… many were in West Virginia and featured a reception in the basement of a church or something similar. There was no booze at most of these shindigs, just non-alcoholic punch and a sheet cake from the Kroger deli. I’m getting a little sad, just thinking about it.
Needless to say, my own wedding was the exact opposite. Toney and I went to the office of a local judge with his own radio show (Legal Action with Gary Jackson), and he did the “ceremony” right there between the conference table and a fire exit. Then we had a booze-fueled party at Swissotel in the Buckhead section of Atlanta. The food was great (I hear), and the alcohol was flowin’. Much of it was a blur, but at one point I was dancing to Kool and the Gang with Sunshine. Ha! It was a good time.
There was a lot of drinking at my brother’s wedding, as well. In fact, I made the indefensible error of mixing wine, beer, and liquor that night, and things took a dark turn. The next day I felt like I’d been embalmed. We had to drive from somewhere in Pennsylvania (Busted Whistle? Upper Slackjaw Township?) to Columbus, Ohio. It’s a long story… But Toney was pissed at me, on account of my asshattery the night before, and I felt like I was in the late stages of cholera, or somesuch. It was one of the more miserable days of my life.
Toney and I also attended a wild wedding on Jekyll Island, Georgia. Supposedly all bar tab records were broken that night, and that hotel has been in business for a LONG time. It was a lot of fun, and people were certainly boozin’ it up. But things didn’t get too far out of hand, as far as I know. Nothing like this happened, unfortunately:
And so… my exposure to wild drunken weddings is somewhat limited. Our older son, however, works at a country club, and comes home with some amazing tales. This place is fancy-pants indeed, and the boy manages the pool during the summer, and works in the dining room during the cold months.
They rent to non-members for special events like wedding receptions, awards ceremonies, etc. Usually it goes reasonably well, but every once in a while they get a rowdy bunch in there. A few weeks ago they had a wedding that was quite possibly the craziest of them all. At least during his two-year or so tenure.
He said a woman well into her 50s slumped forward in her chair, out on the patio, and they thought she’d stopped breathing. An ambulance was called, and paramedics determined she was just very drunk. Also, a guy wound up and hurled a rocks glass across the dining room, like he was Cesar Geronimo trying to throw a runner out at home plate — for no known reason. They called the police and had him removed.
Later, the boy and a couple of other workers were on the patio moving some furniture around, and noticed some dude across the road walking along a high stone wall. He was clearly drunk, and was just walking along. Whatever. They continued to work, and our son said he looked over just as the guy fell off, and did a full header on the lawn. He said he must’ve just passed out in mid-stride, because he didn’t even use his arms to break the fall. They ran over to check on him, and he seemed OK.
A little while later the guy returned to the dining room, covered in dirt and grass stains, and tried to order another drink at the bar. They wouldn’t serve him, because he was so sloshed, and he went wild and touched off a giant fist fight. He was reportedly calling everybody — male and female — a “bitch,” over and over again. The cops were summoned for the second time, and a few people were hauled away.
The boy said they had to keep running drunk ‘n’ wandering people out of areas of the club that were off-limits, and he and his co-workers were outside with hoses spraying vomit off the pavement at 2 am. After everybody finally left, he said, they found about a dozen suit jackets and several shoes — a few pairs and a handful of singles. Heh.
Man, I wish I’d been there. That would be an evening of primo people-watching, right there. I’d just sit back, sip a few Yuenglings, and take it all in.
Have you ever attended an especially crazy wedding? With fist fights and the police, and that sort of thing? Or maybe it was crazy for other reasons? If so, please tell us about it in the comments. I’ve apparently lived a sheltered life in this regard, but hopefully you guys have some stories to tell?
And that’s going to do it for today, my friends.
I’ll see you again soon!
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I never have. I have not been to many weddings in my life though.
I did keg stands in my bridesmaid dress at my friends wedding. There was a lot of craziness at that wedding.
Almost every wedding in these parts are drunken affairs. Not sure if I can recall any that stand out though. I’ll work on it.
Wow the hateful look the bride gives that drunk chick BEFORE the pole uprooting is priceless.
Been to many a drunken wedding but the only one that stands out was when some sot took my brother in law’s new shoes and hurled them into an above ground pool. I swear, I don’t know why my BIL didn’t haul off and punch the bejesus out of the guy.
Oh, and at my sister’s wedding, I was standing with my friend looking up at a staircase and it looked like people were moving in triplicate. Yeah, I was pretty goddamn soused. But then I straightened up.
After my sister in law’s wedding there was an impromptu soiree at my house. My ex’s cousin tackled one of the bride’s friends on our couch and had to be forcibly removed from both the young lady and the premises. The funniest part; both myself (I was taking a nap, I was pregnant) and our 1 year old slept thru all of the shouting and ruckus.
I can recall seeing a pair of young ladies dressed in their formal gowns at an wedding after-party wrestling on a muddy kitchen floor over the last can of Milwaukee’s Best.
It’s a special thing when one of those weddings happen. In 31 years of DJing them, I’ve only had 2 where brawls broke out. You can hardly contain your smile when it happens.
I was in town at the G.O. CC Saturday. It was a good drunkin Irish wedding.
Best I can remember is a friend’s wedding where another friend drunkenly smashed a glass table.
He was promptly cut off, but someone kept giving him drinks, which he consumed with gusto.
He later wandered into the church kitchen attached to the hall and pissed into a mop bucket. The cops then threw him out
You’re friends with Justin Beiber?
Does a drunk four year-old count?
This happened at a wedding I attended in 1996 in which these parents brought their kid, who was sick but on antibiotics and cough medicine, to a family wedding. Parents promptly stopped paying attention to the kid as soon as the open bar at social hour started, outside.
Inside, the venue staff were walking around filling all of the glasses at every table with champagne for the first toast. The four year-old kid walks in and starts drinking from all of the glasses. No one was sure how many glasses in total, but she collapsed and could not be awakened. Panic ensued and someone ran next door (this was a four party hall center) to what happened to be a bar mitzvah going on and yelled, “Is there a doctor here?” and almost every hand in the room went up. True story.
When identifying the difference between two objects, we use the comparative, for example, Madonna and I got married and my wedding was wilder.
When identifying the differences among three or more objects, we use the superlative, for example, Madonna, Bieber and I got married, and my wedding was the wildest.
This trivial error wouldn’t be noticeable in most human discourse, but this blog has been meticulously edited since its inception, so it stands out like a high priced call girl at a Tea Party Konklave.
This little comment is not meant to be at all critical. I’m expressing surprise, not outrage.
jtb
Huh?
I’m afraid that Madonna has ruined your sense of humor. You should get out of that unhealthy relationship as soon as possible
The blog has been re-edited and corrected; no harm done. Thanks, Jeff. Hope you were OK with the comment: all in fun.
best. . .
jtb
. . . and I’m sticking with my girl, though she ruin my humor and dull my faculties.
Once upon a looking for Donna-time
There was a sixteen year old virgin
Oh, Donna, oh oh, Donna, oh oh oh
Looking for my Donna, looking for Madonna, looking for Madonna
Good to see you back to your old hijinks
Drunk girl poll video (which I’ve never seen until now) was incredibly staged. The footage is trying too hard to be amateur but the zooms are perfectly timed. The music copyright free generic. The proximity to bloody bride too immediate. Everything is too conveniently timed. And no cameraman doesn’t provide their own commentary on a moment like that.
I point this out because it’s painful to watch a staged video pretending to be otherwise.
But before I sound anymore like the ass wipe kid at the magic show (I see the string!) I’d like to offer a moment from my own wedding.
My cousin left those cardboard cameras on the tables to encourage people to take photos (a sad relic of the mid 1990s). When she developed them, she told me she had to discard about 22 photos of asses and dick picks.
My grooms were well ahead of their time.
Good eye. I certainly missed it, but you didn’t. They could have used you on the Warren Commission.
jtb
At the last wedding I went to, a grown-ass man had to be carried by two other men and basically shoved like a sack of potatoes into the passenger side of a Jeep because he was too drunk to follow commands or move on his own. I think he was also one of those people who gets so drunk they fall down on the dance floor, earlier in the evening.
Growing up I went to/was dragged to my fair share of weddings. Mostly Italian and Ukrainian. Translation: Open bar was expected. The occasional fight. Lots of drunken slurred toasts made at the microphone. Plenty of upchucking in the bushes. Inappropriate comments and actions. A bridal party getting really into the kissing when the ole spoons started to hammer the glasses repeatedly.
Good times. I polished away my fair share of beverages.
PSA:
Rusty Kuntz will be on TV.
I’m Polish, I’ve been to a few wild weddings. The last one the reception drunkfest went on for 2 days. Epic amount of vodka, and beer where consumed. (6 kegs) the vodka bottles filled 2 90 gallon trash cans. Oh, and my transmission grenaded in the parking lot.
I work part time for extra funds at a fuel center, night shift. The things I have seen..i could start a people of Kroger site.
https://www.google.com/search?q=mosh+pit+girl&es_sm=119&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0CB0QsARqFQoTCOjynN7T7cgCFQN5Jgod6UUKiw&biw=1439&bih=778
too much alike not to mention
Did Jeff croak?