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In Celebration of People Who Are Defined by Their Professions

April 30, 2012 By Jeff 46 Comments

A few years ago I met some people at a bar, and there was a woman there that I sorta knew.  I hadn’t seen her in a while, and asked what she’d been up to.  She told me she was doing well, and working for a company that sells flooring, ceiling panels, etc., to contractors and builders.

I lied and told her it sounded interesting.  Then I briefly brought her up to date on my life, even though she didn’t ask.  She seemed less than interested, and we rejoined the functioning alcoholics support group.

And before I’d gotten halfway through my first pint, this woman announced to everyone that the ceiling tile inside the bar was an inexpensive item, and it bothered her greatly.  The rest of the place was decorated so tastefully, yet they’d cut corners on the ceiling materials.

Then she took a deep breath, as if she were trying to calm herself, and said, “And isn’t that just classic?”  WTF?

“Many people think ceilings aren’t important,” she continued, “and a great place to cut costs.  But anyone with a trained eye can walk into a room like this one and instantly see what’s going on.  Those shoddy panels completely undermine the respectable, mid-level flooring they’ve used.  Completely negates it!  WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN?!”

Everybody just looked at her with confusion, and she finally dismissed the tirade with an embarrassed wave of her hand, and an “anyway!”  And we moved on.

But I watched her, and she couldn’t stop looking at the ceiling and the floor.  Everybody was laughing and drinking and telling stories, and she was inspecting the construction materials and methods used.  At one point she ran her hand across a nearby wall, and frowned.

Later, she told us about a recent problem she’d encountered at work.  A pallet of flooring had been delivered to one of her customers, with one entire corner damaged.  The supplier was blaming the freight carrier, and the truck line claimed the supplier hadn’t properly prepared the materials for shipment.

“Meanwhile,” she said, “I’ve got a customer with an unusable pallet of C21 Ultras.  I told both parties that I wasn’t interested in their pissing contest, and they WOULD deliver a replacement pallet the next morning, if they expected to count on our business in the future.   …And that’s why my customers love me.”

We continued to drink.  Some people left, and others joined.  It was an always-evolving group of drunkards.  Eventually a guy said he was hungry, and thinking about ordering a cheesesteak.  A few other people agreed with that course of action, and it was suggested that we move our group to a table, and get some food circulating through this bitch.

So we walked to the back of the bar, looking for a table large enough to accommodate us.  And we made a left into a room that was obviously added-on, years after the main bar was built.  There was a big table in there, and someone motioned to a waitress that we were going to be ordering from the kitchen.

And as I was lowering my heft into a new chair, I heard someone holler, “Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!”  And I didn’t even need to look up from my menu… She’d spotted some acceptable tile.

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Comments

  1. Alex says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Well, thats gotta be a first…

    Reply
  2. Alex says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    My pops was a finish carpenter, I can relate to the ceiling tile and flooring observations. Unfortunately, I inherited that trait and start looking at how the work was done when I come into a room.

    Reply
  3. Ognir says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    One of the saddest things I have ever witnessed – people who hang around where they work on their days off.

    Reply
  4. Dogberry says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I’ll bet she frequently uses the phrase, “There ought to be a law . . .”

    Reply
  5. icecycle66 says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    This post is a 551 word explanation of why I don’t go out.

    Reply
  6. Ebay Nazi says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Try being a lawyer. You go out for drinks with colleagues and no one can stop talking about work because for 90% of the profession has no life. Enough to make you shoot yourself. Don’t you have a family? Don’t you have hobbies? Were you born in law school?

    Reply
    • Jwcremeans says

      April 30, 2012 at 3:50 pm

      I’m a lawyer, and I flew out of Charleston last week on a puddle-jumper full of attorneys heading to a conference. They talked non-stop about work while I gripped my armrest, convinced that our plane was going down. I could see the headline already: “Plane Full of Attorneys Crashes. LOL!”

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        April 30, 2012 at 4:10 pm

        Sorry, the headline would more likely be: “Local Pilot Killed; Litigation Anticipated”.

        jtb

        Reply
    • m says

      April 30, 2012 at 6:38 pm

      I’m a lawyer, but I saved myself and everyone in my life from the terror–I let my Bar card lapse and went back to my old profession. I work as a registered nurse and get a lot of amusing abuse from the physicians about “those damn lawyers.”

      Reply
  7. Theresa says

    April 30, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    I hate people who talk about their jobs all the time. Nobody cares, nobody wants to know anything about what you do. After people ask you what you do for a living, tell them and than shut the hell up.

    Reply
  8. Cosgrove says

    April 30, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    I’m confused by the ending…

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      April 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      I think it’s a two parter! At least I hope so becuase this sounds like it’s going to get even funnier!

      Reply
      • BoMama says

        April 30, 2012 at 3:50 pm

        Could it be that the add-on room had a ceiling she approved of?

        Reply
        • johnthebasket says

          April 30, 2012 at 4:06 pm

          Jeff…

          I think it would be helpful to add “The End” or, if you want to be a French asshole, “Finis” at the end of these pieces. I’m just sayin’…

          jtb

          Reply
      • icecycle66 says

        April 30, 2012 at 4:56 pm

        You ever take a dump, and the turd is supposed to be one long one; but, the bastard breaks off halfway through and you have a two parter?

        No?

        Oh, uh…me either. I read it in a Cat Fancy once.

        Reply
        • Chumbolone says

          April 30, 2012 at 4:59 pm

          My turds sometimes remind me of the Play Doh fun factory.

          Just sayin!

          Reply
          • madz1962 says

            April 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm

            The “Pumper Number 9” action?

            Reply
            • Chumbolone says

              April 30, 2012 at 6:51 pm

              LMAO. Had to look that one up and found video of the old commercial! TIME!! (stands for Tears In My Eyes!)

              Reply
              • Jed says

                April 30, 2012 at 11:59 pm

                Rest ring trilogy.

                Reply
  9. madz1962 says

    April 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I don’t socialize with the people I work with. Just maybe 4 people I can tolerate enough to go to lunch or dinner with. And I happen to love my job and the people I work with but I sure as shit don’t want to hang out with my bosses. As for peers – a good 99.9 percent of them I wouldn’t give the time of day to.

    Ewwww, I just visualized some of my co-workers with a few drinks in them. It’s not a pretty sight.

    Reply
  10. Henderson says

    April 30, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    So where were the priest and the rabbi?

    Reply
  11. Skully says

    April 30, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I have to keep my job a secret. When people find out that you work in IT, you are instantly pelted with computer questions.

    Usually if it happens the situation can be defused by, “wow, that does sound like a big problem. I’d have to see that in person. The place I work charges 125/hour, but I do some side work at 50/hour. Would you like me to have a look at it?”

    Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      April 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

      Everytime i print something from Word 2007 with inserted shapes on it, some of the shapes print, and some don’t.

      Now, if i copy and past the chart or whatever to Power point, they rprint just fine. Now I know I could just copy the charts to powerpoint and print them, but that’s a lot of charts and I don’t want to do that.

      What is wrong and how do I fix it so that Word prints the dang shapes?

      Also, I have an unwanted boner right n ow. How do I get rid of it?

      Reply
      • hardoxdan says

        April 30, 2012 at 4:46 pm

        Sounds like an “ID Ten T” error.

        Reply
        • icecycle66 says

          April 30, 2012 at 4:57 pm

          My local IT guy said it was an ID 107. I’ll have to find out what this “ID” is. It’s probably in the registry somewhere. I’ll go tinker around in there a while.

          Reply
          • hot fuzz says

            May 1, 2012 at 9:49 am

            I usually tell people the problem resides just north of the keyboard.

            Reply
            • Lilolme says

              May 1, 2012 at 10:36 am

              I call it a PEBKAC error – Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair

              Reply
      • Al K. Hall says

        May 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

        icecycle66,
        How do you get rid of a hard on? Jacking off usually does the trick.

        Reply
  12. johnthebasket says

    April 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    In a younger day, I went through a pallet of C21 Ultras in about six months. I was subsequently declared both brain dead and flatulent, and only managed to recover from the one.

    jtb

    Reply
    • hardoxdan says

      April 30, 2012 at 4:47 pm

      Which one, Stinky?

      Reply
  13. johnthebasket says

    April 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Kinky Friedman says, “You gotta find what you like and let it kill you.” Ceiling panels wouldn’t be my choice, but if it’s hers, she should live and be well. As for me, I’ll continue to work with more lethal materials.

    jtb

    Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      May 1, 2012 at 9:52 am

      I work with so many people that just have no sense of irony or humour. Every attempt I make at humour usually just drops flat or they start a lecture of the self righteous variety. The others that got the joke usually just roll their eyes… I wait until they’re done and say “I guess you missed the point” and then shut up.

      If it wasn’t for computers or people, I might actually like my job.

      Reply
  14. Uncle_Wedgie says

    April 30, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    I guess I would have found her observation(s) on the ceiling tile interesting based on a sliding scale of breast size and proportion.

    Reply
    • Jed says

      May 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

      “I’ve got some suspended Armstrong over my bed and a padded Mohawk on the floor you might want to check out”
      Something tells me a line like that would have had Jeff choking on her tongue faster than you could say cove base.

      Reply
  15. clintcurtis says

    April 30, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    I ABSOLUTELY love my job for the simple fact that I live 1200 feet from work. I come in for my shift, then leave exactly 8 hours later. My co-workers are all good friends, but we rarely talk anything work related.

    Reply
  16. bikerchick says

    April 30, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Bet she’s a fun date. Better make sure she’s “on top” so you don’t get a lecture about your bedroom ceiling tile.

    Reply
  17. m says

    April 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I think some professions tend to make people obsess more than others. Doctors are usually doctors whether they are in the hospital or not. It’s just weird for someone in non-professional field to get all wound up about what they do. When I worked for a florist I didn’t go around critiquing potted plants.

    Reply
    • Jorge says

      April 30, 2012 at 8:10 pm

      I can’t turn off being a nurse real well, can you? I’m always assessing and playing “guess the comorbidities” and wondering which one of these vets of the Spanish-American War am I going to end up coding right here in the mall. I can’t even help it anymore.

      Reply
      • m says

        May 1, 2012 at 11:10 pm

        LOL, no I cannot turn it off. My brother will often say, “Quit scoping out my veins, you freak!” But he does have lovely fat veins, perfect for an 18g.

        Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      May 1, 2012 at 9:54 am

      A lawyer, a registered nurse and a florist walk in to a bar…

      Reply
      • m says

        May 1, 2012 at 11:10 pm

        Yep, that’s me. I’ve also been a receptionist.

        Reply
  18. chill says

    April 30, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    I’ve been doing audiovisual system integration for over 20 years. Whenever I walk into a place that has AV, I always look around and either admire or snicker, depending. But I don’t say anything, unless I’m with people who might give a shit. What kind of tool loudly shares his or her unsolicited opinion with the entire assembled company?

    Admire: most sports book joints in Vegas; some corporate facilities. Snicker: the projector installation in the Minerva Indian restaurant on Lee Highway in Fairfax; some corporate facilities.
    .

    Reply
  19. JCIII says

    April 30, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Good Evening Surf Reporters…

    …the tale of an unusable pallet of C21 Ultras ALWAYS fucks up an otherwise good time.

    Reply
  20. Some Guy on the Innernets says

    April 30, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    They shoulda all just been thankful it wasn’t a pallet of C24 Ultras instead! Gawd, what a mess that would be!

    Reply
  21. Jed says

    May 1, 2012 at 12:28 am

    I liked the part where she had to calm herself with a deep breath before announcing her discovery. Good lord, there really are people out there like that. It reminds me of that movie Cedar Rapids with Ed Helms.

    Reply
  22. t-storm says

    May 1, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    i define myself by the lizards crawling out of my pee hole.

    Reply

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