I don’t know if he remembers this episode, I’ve never asked him about it, but a young Angry White Guy inspired today’s quickie update…
When we were teenagers, before we were old enough to drive, a few of us would sometimes hop on a bus, and spend the day wandering around the “big city” of Charleston. We’d check out record stores and book stores, and maybe buy a bag of cashews at the Peanut Shoppe, etc.
It was fun to be on our own, outside Dunbar. And there was a certain griminess to it all, which was appealing, as well. Some guy tried to sell me and Steve drugs on one of our Charleston adventures, and that was very exciting. We declined, of course, but just being approached added color to the proceedings.
Anyway, a whole group of us went up there one summer morning. Rocky was with us, and the Angry White Guy, and possibly our friends Mike and Tim. I can’t really remember the full lineup. But we went into a restaurant — called Bowincal’s — which specialized in hot dogs. They sold all manner of dogs, with all sorts of weird-ass toppings, if you wanted.
And I remember the Angry White Guy bought a GIGANTIC chocolate milkshake. The thing was huge — roughly the size of a bathroom trashcan. It practically required two hands to drink the thing, and cost a lot of money, too.
So, we sat down at one of the tables, and he had this massive ten-pound cup. The thing was so tall he had to tilt his head way up, to get his mouth on the straw. And Rocky (I think) somehow knocked it over.
Only one or two sips had been taken at the time, so the cup was almost completely full. The entire tabletop was covered in milkshake, and it started waterfalling down on all sides, and dumping into the floor. We all stood up, trying to get away from it, and within seconds there was a huge on-deck circle of brownish milk. And it was getting bigger!
We were standing there watching it, unbelieving, when an employee (who looked like Darryl on The Office) shouted, “Hey!” We glanced at each other in alarm, and every one of us took off running at the same time. We tore ass out of there, and almost took the door facing with us.
Darryl was yelling, “You assholes! You sonsabitches!!” as we ran. And when we finally ended our panicked sprint, a couple of blocks away, we couldn’t stop laughing. In fact, I’m laughing right now, just thinking about it. The whole thing was ludicrous.
And speaking of Rocky, I’ve written about the time we almost burned down a Chi Chi’s restaurant. You can read about it here, if you’d like. If we hadn’t had girls with us, we probably would’ve taken off running again. We were all the time taking off running, as a result of some sort of asshattery.
Also, I was with a girlfriend at the Taco Bell in Kanawha City one night, and some guy kept farting, over and over again. He was part of a group — two girls and two guys — and the dude blasted-ass roughly twenty times within a ten minute period.
All four of them were drunk, I think, and the first eruption caused the whole party to practically roll in the floor laughing. But he kept doing it. He’d raise himself off the seat, and put his full diaphragm behind it. BRRRRRAAAP! I couldn’t believe it; my brain was having trouble processing what was happening before me.
I don’t know how one person could fart so strongly, and so frequently, in such a short period of time. But this guy was putting on a clinic. And people were starting to get angry. “Hey, we’re eating over here!” someone yelled at him. And he let loose with another window-rattler, as a response.
The girls finally left, acting fully disgusted, and the other guy was pleading with his friend to knock it off. Then a wave of funk hit us, and I thought we were inside a port-o-potty at Farm Aid, or somesuch. People were leaving their half-eaten burritos on their tables, and heading for the exits. And we did the same. What the hell, man? It’s still baffling to me. Who just sits in a fast food restaurant and repeatedly farts with gusto? I would’ve gladly joined in on a beat-down of the idiot, but wasn’t really prepared to start one.
And those are three Outrageous Disturbances in Restaurants, right off the top of my tiny Duke head. Now it’s your turn. In the comments section, please tell us your stories. What are the most ridiculous things you’ve witnessed in an eating establishment? We need to know.
And I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this highbrow material.
See you then!
Probably not first!
Wrong again, stupid 😉
Joe
Thats not very nice.
second again!
2nd loser.
Imma gonna have to think on this, certainly my douchebag friends and I have caused a surf report worthy disturbance.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
The only thing that popped into my mind was when my oldest son, now almost 22, was about 8 months to a year old. We were at a local Italian restaurant. As the adults dived into their food, he was served his ever appetizing stained carrots or pureed peas.
He sat happily in his high chair, making a mess as he attempted to spoon feed himself. He gathered up an over sized portion in his spoon and proceeded to fling it across the dining room where it landed with a plop on some poor unsuspecting person’s shoulder a few booths over.
We all saw it happen and successfully held in our laughter. We never told the guy he had Heinz baby food stuck all over his shoulder, and laughed even harder that night when we envisioned the guy getting home, taking off his shirt and saying “What the hell….?”
Yes they were stained carrots.
4th, maybe.
I worked in a restaurant in High School and some local rich drunks took a dump at the table and kept on eating. Paid for their food and left. Who shits themselves while eating and doesn’t notice? I refused to clean it up and shorthly there after decided I’d rather not work there.
Yuck!
I initially read that as “took a dump on the table”. That would have been worse….and more mind-blowing had they kept on eating with a big shit burger steaming on someone’s salad plate. Ugh!
I was bad enough on the booth seat. and trickled through the dining room, to the register and out the door. Gag! The lady who owned the place “Heraldine” wouldn’t say anything to them either cause they were rich and came in a couple of time a week. I am so glad I quit that place!
Okay, a rivulet of shit meandering down the aisles is probably worse. I stand corrected. AWFUL!
I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this. Rich folks shitting at a table in a restaurant. Man, they must have had a lot of booze and coke in them. I can’t think of another explanation.
at a restaurant, in High school
My friend once emptied out a large contingency of Denny’s octogenarian early bird crowd by doing unspeakable things to a cucumber. Why we were in possession of a cucumber I can’t recall.
I can’t think of anything else….at this time.
Okay, between Gretchen & Carla’s stories, I don’t know how it can go further. Good Lawd those are some images running through my pea-brain!
Sorry. It’s not something I will ever forget. No matter how hard I try.
I was about 12, and my parents and I were at a “nice restaurant” – menus with gold lettering on the front, no pictures of chicken fingers and cobb salads. I had a steak. I love steak. I picked up the steak sauce, went to shake it up, and the cap flew off, dousing a half-dozen tables with A-1. I just mumbled “sorry.” My parents could have crawled under the table, they were so embarrassed.
Joe
During a business lunch once, there was a table of construction type guys sitting close by and they had some kind of eat the buffet chicken thing going on. I think there was like 5 of them. They’d eat their chicken wing or leg or what ever and toss the bone(s) in a pile in the middle of the table. They had a stack of bones by meal’s end that looked like a British barrow. We watched in semi-amazement.
I was working the counter at McDonalds on a busy Saturday lunch rush when the next gentleman in line suddenly had a Grand Mal Seizure. I was probably 17 years old and it scared the living shit out of me. His family just kind of moved him over, asked for a glass of water and very calmly took care of biz. I shook like a leaf for about an hour later. Poor man.
I have to think of crazier shit.
Nothing compared to that cucumber story, Gretchen! LOL
I do remember about 7 years ago or so my family got together at a restaurant to surprise my dad on one of his birthdays. There were like 25 of us & I ordered clam chowder. I can’t have clam chowder without Tabasco, so I also ordered some of that. Sitting next to me was my 3 year old cousin who I adored. When they brought out the Tabasco I couldn’t get it to drip out. I shook it, stuck a toothpick in the little hole & still, it wouldn’t come out. My aunt sitting across from me said ‘Here’s a napkin; turn it upside down & whack it to loosen whatever’s in there out’. I did as she said and whacked the end of it one good, hard time. The little top popped off, sending Tabasco everywhere. All of a sudden I hear a blood-curdling scream. Some of the Tabasco landed on my little cousin’s plate, splashed up & directly landed in her eye. I swear her eye looked like something out of a horror movie. Where the white of the eyeball should have been was blood red Tabasco. Before anyone could comprehend what was happening her father had her on the ground, dripping water from a straw directly into her eye, causing her to freak even more. (He’s a trained medic in the Marines). Soon he had her back on her seat, munching on fries as if nothing happened but I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so awful. Of course this is still a running joke in our family & everytime my now 10 year old cousin sees me with hot sauce of any kind she jokingly covers her eyes. I still don’t find it funny, but, what do I know?
(I don’t think I can ever get rid of the image of her Tabasco eye out of my head though. Ugh).
The good thing to come out of that was the manager of the restaurant was so apologetic about the bottle not working (wasn’t his fault, I hadn’t said anything yet) that he comped my meal & the baby’s, plus gave us some gigantoid chocolate cake as a parting gift (Claim Jumper 7-Layer Chocolate Cake).
People all around us just watched in horror as the ER episode played out in front & some came by to give my cousin a high five for being cool later. I felt like an ass.
So I’m bending the rules a bit but this happened on they way to a restaurant. Is that ok? Actually it happened to a friend of mine. We were 16 or 17 and this guy finally got this girl he’d been crazy about since 6th grade to go out with him. He picked a well known up-scale German restaurant out on Montgomery Rd. named The Bismark. Been there mysel and a great choise I must say. Pickes her up right on schedule and is in total heaven she’s sitting in his car with him and going out. Backs out of the driveway and runs over her cat.
The End.
Is it wrong that I’m laughing?
No thats not wrong, I laughed too!
Dto’s spelling made me want to run over a cat. 😉
I think dto is trying a new tactic for the edit button. 🙂
Oh, and I am laughing it’s a funny story, just not for the cat.
Just whoring out my avitar….but…
Sorry about the spelling folks. Yeah…don’t know where that went.Typos and a fuck ups can lead to cat killing. I understand Gretchen
Thanks WB for the pass…crap! I think I’ll use Word from now on and cut and paste.
Somebody hold me.
.
It’s spelled “avatar” and it’s quite possible your “harmless” lil’ afro-clad doppelganger has mind melded with you for the purpose of making you look like a chump. Seriously, look at him! He’s all….concentrating. I suggest you put him out in your driveway and run him over before you turn into a drooling pod person. Go on now, we’ll wait.
bikerchick spelled it with an ‘i’ so I did. I thought the ‘a’ was for the movie “Avatar”…dunno? I’m here to learn.
Hey…you can’t discount the big feet thing can you? I’m a 12 EEEE myself so I kinda like the guy. Like they say…big feet…big shoes. 🙂
Crap…I just thought of a story (thank you Gretchen) about this guy who runs a “blog” that hundreds of people visit and he assigns random avAtars to people and the avatars actually take poession of the person they are assinged to. Anybody steal that idea and me and Stanley will track you down.
Shit. If you get all Stephen King famous you better throw some money my way!
My avitor is stoopid. I wish he was dead.
How small will the little boxes get if we keep replying? Won’t we get to a place where you can’t read anything because the box will be too small?
It’s worth a try.
Let’s see.
This box is still pretty big, it’s like throwing a Stanley down a hallway.
We seem to have hit the limit on Replies. There’s no button below ice’s most recent comment.
Ice–is that Stanley as in dto’s avatar, or some other Stanley?
And dto: your avatar may have large feet, but mine has 4 feet. Just sayin’….
dto:
1. Hey…thanks for throwing me under the bus, dude…..av..A..tar.
2. Cat story…priceless. Almost choked on my diet pepsi.
🙂
A local bowling alley/ bar/ restaurant was shutting down and had a staff/ regulars party. All drinks were $1. I worked at a sports pub down the road so a crew of us managed to get invited to the big closing bash. I snuck out a pair of bowling shoes. My buddy got full-on naked and danced on the bar.
Another friend of mine once got naked in that sports pub where I worked. Someone took off outside with his clothes. Then while being asked to leave the establishment, he placed “himself” in the “mangina” position and struted out the front door.
I don’t see much of those guys anymore…but mangina guy went on to be a very successful government worker…go figure
Thank gawd for Urban Dictionary. Was it the “mangina tree” position or just plain ol’ “mangina”? Inquiring minds want to know.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Mangina%20tree
Thanks for the link! There was no tree position but he did bend over to show off his “basket of fruit”
Mangina:
This is where you tuck back and hold?
Like in Silence of the Lambs?
I cracked up!! Good one Kevin!
“Tuck back and hold”, yes…and that is a very eloquent way to describe it.
I always thought a “mangina” was a gay man’s ass. You learn something new every day (I’m currently tucking my cock ‘n balls and taking a picture of myself. I hope to make it my new avitard).
I don’t think I have any story to tell that could even pale in comparison. The sudden and abrupt release of anal gases was only reserved for my father when we were on long over road trips. It usually took place when everyone was sleeping and quiet. Suddenly, the funk would almost gag you and there was much rolling down of the windows for relief from the funk storm. The person in the middle had to sit and endure the onslaught so everyone wanted a window seat when we travel causing many a pre-trip argument over seating arrangements.
I had a buddy named Gary about 20+ years ago who was prodigious in his ability to fog the inside of a car. From then on, among my family and friends he’s always been the standard by which car farts have been judged: “Holy shit, honey, that’s a 9.5 on the Gary-o-meter!”
Once my ex released a car fart that required him to pull over so I could puke. I was pregnant at the time, but still…
My husband walked by me and farted when I was almost due with our child. I had just had Chinese food for breakfast (I was pregnant, sue me) and I promptly vomited all over the kitchen floor. He got to clean it up.
What is it about pregnancy that enhances smell?
I need to go look that up.
Still laughing at your Gary-O-Meter.
May have to make it official gauge.
My boyfriend is a proud window rattler. Even me, as his girlfriend, I commend him.
I have one of those boyfriends, too. And. I. laugh. everytime.
Meanwhile I am still trying to get through the ABC’s via belching.
It’s all those fancy Dogfish heads and Three Floyds and whatever other black, hoppy shit he drinks. Give’s him gas like no other.
so they didn’t go on the date because he got lucky?
one time at denny’s after a party in college (say 3 in the AM), there were about 10 of us at the table being 20 yr old douchebags and my friend comes out of the bathroom and chucks one of the plastic urinal strainers onto the table. We all about shit ourselves laughing at the absurdity of it all.
We were pretty good at going to restaraunts and being the disturbance.
Not the same but the other day I tricked some girl into saying she hated cocks. She was talking about Cox. I might have said this already, but I drink.
I once got put in handcuffs in Skyline in Clifton for mouthing off to an overzealous cop. The skyline manager got me out of it by telling the cop “Come on, that’s Jim Brody, you have to let him go!”. I walked out to my friends and was like “Who the fuck is Jim Brody?”.
Working for several e-commerce dotcoms
I always secretly chuckle when I hear female customers give their cox.net email addresses.
The “proper ones” spell it out.
Classy!
Junior year in HS, myself and a bunch of other guys on the football team cut class and hung out in Libertyville (a relatively nice suburb of Chicago). This was a predominantly white area and the school I attended was also predominantly white, with the token brown faces. We decided to go into old country buffet for lunch and it was slightly amusing to see the manager eyeing the darker students suspiciously, while ignoring the lighter students… Right until he realized the disparity in sizes. Most of the receivers and backs were black and the linesmen were white. And while the kids he was watching all behaved themselves and ate relatively moderate portions, my offensive linesmen removed the steam pans from the buffet table to save the ridiculous walking back and forth. Man that guy had a conniption fit when he realized he had no hotel pans on his buffet line!! I’m pretty sure, that to this day, we are still not allowed in that place… Not that I would want to eat at one anymore.
So you thought Avatar was like Bizkit in Limp Bizkit?
My avatar Stanley said…”go fuck yourself”.
your avatar is a moldy ground-up-tip penis.
Oh yeah…oh yeah? Stanley doesn’t really care for your over the shoulder come hither green boy either
Does Stanley make you talk through your finger?
“dto’s not here, t-storm.”
My usual avatar is a blue shield with some sort of sparrow head on it.?!
I’m pretty good at ripping a fart that’ll last 10 to 20 seconds. Someone ripped one on the plane the other day (not me). Someone ripped one on the plane today (me).
My last girl was pretty impressed. The latest version not so much.
Mmmmmm ground penis tip.
Do you need to hit the reply to get an ivater?
Let’s see.
Call me an envious prick, but when I board a plane and start the long march back to coach, I always try to rip a fart as I’m walking through the first class section.
Ha Ha! Serves them right, sitting there all smug sipping a cocktail while the rest of us cattle tromp our way to the back of the plane. Fuck’em!
Yes, I’m jealous!
Two teenage girls, recently introduced to cannabis sativa. After a session of indulging in their new hobby, the enivitable hunger pains ensue. Massive giggling in the restaurant, so much so, that we could barely order. I felt so sorry for the waitress. We left a big tip.
Tripping on acid at 4a.m. at a Howard Johnsons on the Pa.Turnpike Some drunk old lady just ripping her old man a new asshole. 3 of us just laughing our asses off as only Mr. Natural can do. Don’t have a clue why she was so pissed but she called him every name in the book.
Tripping on acid makes me flacid.
How are these avatars designed or assigned to particular names?
It takes a special kind of person to get a personalized avatar.
I think that they may be based on cookies. Assigned at random. I just cleared my cookies, let’s see if that gives me another one.
Nope, that isn’t it.
Tripping on acid makes be gassy.
Tripping on acid makes me placid.
Tripping on acid makes me avid.
Tripping on acid makes me palid.
Tripping on acid makes me grafted.
Tripping on acid makes me acrid.
Tripping on acid makes me salad.
Tripping on acid makes me vapid.
Tripping on acid makes me blasted.
Tripping on acid makes me rabid.
Tripping on acid makes me jagged.
I’ve recently mentioned my story about hanging out with a couple stipprer recently. But to make it short, I walked around carrying bags of eggs and pancakes while one of the strippers got maced by a cop trying to kill a cockroach.
Know how you laugh so hard it hurts?
Yeah. It just happened with the taco bell story.
TY Jeff. Needed that.
Worst thing I ever saw was at a fast food joint. A zitster was changing the oil in the fryer and was walking in back of the counter with this big-ass pan of hot grease. He slipped, the pan flew up in the air, and covered him in hot oil. Oh man, the screaming was horrible! That was back in the 1970s, so I’m assuming OSHA has some different rules in place for changing fryer oil now.
My friend and I got kicked out of a local fast food establishment back in the 1970s, about the time the movie “Helter Skelter” came out. For some punk reason, we took our plastic serving tray, and with a squeeze bottle of ketchup, wrote, “Helter Skelter” on it. The manager saw it, didn’t think it was funny, and ordered us to leave.
Only other thing I have was performing the Heimlich on an old lady at a restaurant. For some reason, the lady’s daughter singled me out from across the restaurant, came over and asked me to help. It was weird afterward, because she told me, “I came and got you because of all the people in the restaurant, YOU looked like you’d know what to do!” I have NO idea what that meant, but just figure God had a hand in it somehow.
When I was a kid, my parents took us to a restaurant in western Maryland called Baughers. I think their logo was a big anthropomorphic apple chewing on a piece of hay or something.
As we drove up, two huge men were having a full-on wrestling match, rolling around barefoot in the grass just outside of the side-door of the place. Based on their attire and the aprons hanging on the wall of the building, these were members of the kitchen staff.
Seeing that, and being left sitting at a table unattended for more than 10 minutes was almost enough to get my mom to haul us out of there, but it was the decrepit old woman sitting near us who removed her dentures and dropped them into a clear glass of ice water that finally pushed her over the edge.
Yep..Baugher’s is right up the road from me, Westminster, right? The same folks still run the place and it’s full of blue hairs, especially this time of year to see the foliage. At this restaurant they also sell the huge mums and pumpkins, crisp apples, and homemade apple butter. Same joint, ya’ think?
Years ago I went out to eat with my “then” best friend to an overpriced Italian restaurant. She neglected to tell me, as she knew I wouldn’t go, she also invited a bunch of pretentious, insufferable women she hung out with at the pool on a daily basis. All obnoxious as hell and worse in a group.
After dinner, in the crowded restaurant, one of her high society bud’s proceeded to drape her oversized dinner napkin over her head while she sat at the head of the table and picked her teeth with her fork while looking in her compact mirror.
I looked at my friend in total disbelief and said, “What the FUCK??” while motioning to this idiot. My friend yelled out to her. She literally lifted a corner of the napkin to peek out like we were disturbing her. Everyone but me thought it was “cute”. I looked back at my friend and said “I guess even a heifer has to have dental hygiene”. The stupid bitch heard me and whipped the napkin off her head, threw it on the table and went to the ladies room. Needless to say, I was never invited out with the country club group again..
I’m guessing from your tone, you’re all tore up about it on the insides!
WTF indeed.
I love dining with sophisticates.
(yeah…I know I posted it it down there…but it pissed off Stanley).
My little blue bodied bird head thing is back.
Jeff needs to engage in some computer wizardry to make our avatars larger. Stanley really needs to outwardly display his oversized personality.
Why are women always so concerned over the size of the Stanley?
I love dining with sophisticates.
Back in high school a few of us were at McDonald’s or some other such fast food restaurant. We were kinda drunk and were hitting on the cute cashier. I’m not really sure why the cooks didn’t like us, but maybe it was because it was almost closing time and we were still ordering food. Anyway, those guys were total pricks, slamming our food around and acting like uit was the end of the world because they had to put together a few cheeseburgers. We finally sat down to eat and noticed the cooks kept looking out at us and laughing. Well, obviously they spit in our food or soething, and we looked carefully at our food. We couldn’t see anything obvious, like a phlegm ball or some “man juice”, but we were done eating. We then had a brilliant idea. The cooks were the only guys left in the store and they were about to close. So we went into the men’s room and shit on the floor. You KNOW the manager wouldn’t let them leave without cleaning that up!
We laughed our asses off over that for a good month!
ahhhhhh hahahahahahhahahahhahahaha!!!!!!! Yes.
Jeezuz H. Christ- how did you ever remember that? I went waaaay back into the janitor’s closet in the third hallway of stifled memories and opened the door. Sure enough, it was there, glowing and waiting for revival. If I remember correctly, I had a doctor’s appointment that day to see why the pubes were itching and correctly self diagnosed a crab’s infestation. The older than fuck doctor put a purple light on my junk and said, “Yep, it’s crabs!” and gave me a prescription.
However, worst restaurant scene was in Hickory, NC, when a brutha pulled out a knife and stabbed a guest of our country several times in what appeared to be a deal gone bad in a Buffalo Wild Wings. My wife took our son and ran out the door, Guess who got yelled at for sitting there and finishing my meal?
JK, kudos on the memory. I guess there’s an advantage to shunning drug use through the years.
This happened today in a Wendy’s in Pittsburgh, as if on cue:
http://www.wpxi.com/news/25299603/detail.html
Using a Personal Mobility Scooter as a weapon of mass destruction again, eh Kilian?
That video is so funny. I seriously can’t stop laughing. How the reporter and the police officer kept a straight face, I haven’t a clue!
I KNOW! They had me at “Hoveround”.
Sitting in a perfectly silent college library, my deadpan friend Jack took a Pennsylvania sourdough pretzel out of his jacket pocket and tried to eat it quietly. The crunching noise was rattling off every hard surface and ECHOING thru the library impossibly loudly. I had to bite my lip to the bleeding point to keep from laughing as he consumed the entire pretzel without a smile, giggle, or chortle.