About twenty years ago, in a different city and state, I worked with two of the most ridiculous people I’ve ever met. Today I’d like to take a few moments to tell you about them… and then turn it over to you guys, for your own stories of co-workers gone wild. Do we have a deal? Good.
The first was a sales manager, who reportedly made $120,000 per year. That’s what his secretary told me, anyway. It seemed like an impossible amount of money, at the time. That shit blew me away.
Anyway, he was kinda creepy. Every conversation with him was awkward and weird, and nobody really got to know him. He was unapproachable and completely humorless, which seem like strange attributes for a sales manager. But there you go.
He had his office decorated with heavy drapes, and Oriental swords and such. The lights were always dimmed way down, and you’d walk past his door and see nothing but his face illuminated, by his desk lamp. It was like the Wizard of Oz in there.
I had a job there that required an occasional one-on-one with this guy, and they were always excruciating affairs. I’d sit across from him in that dark office, staring at the bizarre death masks (or whatever) on the wall behind him. And we’d have these tortured conversations, filled with unusual pauses, etc. I’d always feel beads of sweat rolling down the center of my back.
At least twice he farted up the whole building. Well, that might be an exaggeration… but he definitely farted up a good quarter of the place. He’d sit in his weird office, talk on the phone, and fart — for hours on end. The whole area would smell like ass, and a couple of old black ladies in the credit department would walk around spraying Lysol, saying, “That man is nasty.”
I mean, what the hell?? In his office he had a framed certificate saying he’d gone through the Dale Carnegie course. I’m no expert, but I don’t think Carnegie suggested you win friends and influence people by pumping out oily cauliflower gas amongst your co-workers. Please correct me if I’m wrong about that.
There was another guy who worked at the same place, just a few doors down the hall. He was the receptionist/switchboard operator. Why they chose a fat, alcoholic, 60 year old hacking chain smoker to be the face of our company, I do not know.
He’d have to page people all day long, when phone calls came in. And he was over-the-top theatrical, using nicknames and elongating words, etc. “Danny D. you have a call on line one. Dannnnnny Deeeeeeeea…”
He was gay and had a photo of Sebastian Bach posted on the wall in his work area, whom he declared “the perfect man.” Sometimes he’d start to tell us what he’d like to do with ol’ Sebastian, and we’d run for the hills before any of those images could take root in our brains.
He also had a terrible gambling problem, and had taken to chartering buses, and driving senior citizens to a casino in Mississippi. He charged each of them a fee, and would gamble away all the proceeds while they were there. At least once they didn’t have enough gas to get back, and he had to pass the hat before they could return to the highway.
One time he had a coughing fit — due to the decades of heavy smoking he had under his belt — and shit his pants. He had to go home, and the chair he’d been sitting in kept getting moved from area to area. If someone realized it was near their office, they’d shove it way across the building, where it would stay until someone else figured it out, and moved it again.
The guy got into gambling debt, and ended up killing himself. That made me sad. He had a lot of problems, self-inflicted, but was a nice guy and really funny. Unlike the sales manager, you could talk with him and laugh. It was too bad.
Now it’s your turn. In the comments section below, please tell us about the most ridiculous people you’ve ever worked with.
And I’ll see you guys again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
I got nothin’
I could post a whole list. But – I am too paranoid to post such things online.
I once I worked with a guy who was a substitute high school teacher at the high school fencing coach. He lived in a trailer. He was bald. He had lots of kiddie porn. Once he was discovered to have all the kiddie porn he spent 10 months in jail. He can’t work as a teacher anymore.
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When I worked for the MP school there was always a guy threatening to sue someone. He had some generic papers drawn up to try and scare you. If you bumped his chair, lawsuit. If you forgot to return a borrowed pen, lawsuit. If you moved his stuff out of the community work area without asking him, lawsuit.
He never followed through with it, but he was absolutely serious that he was going to sue you for whatever “wrong” you did him. He was a terrible guy to work with when at the office. However, he was an excellent guy to work with when in the field, so it sort of balanced out.
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I worked with another guy who could dish it out, but couldn’t take it back. This was a really good and jovial work environment except for him. He would blatantly drink, and get passed out hammered at work. He was a cousin or something of the boss though and couldn’t get fired. People in the office would always photoshop each other in compromising positions and it was fun. He would always throw out “Yo momma” jokes at people, but would get all pissy if anyone picked back at him. One day someone shopped a picture of Drunky McGee’s face onto a Jabba the Hutt body. He flipped out and threw papers all around. He started crying and stormed off to sit his car. He drank until he passed out. He ended up getting a couple DUI’s in a neighboring state and the judge said that he couldn’t leave the state until he went through a whole bunch of training and recovery and shit. I haven’t heard of him since.
I might be the most ridiculous person I’ve ever worked with.
Now that you mention it, I used to fit that category. Have calmed down considerably since the old days.
Since Jeff brought up the Heavy Metal nation, Gwar’s lead extraterrestrial is dead.
What a great title for that interesting human.
One of his works just came to my attention today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U85CXYJg2lc
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Dave Brockie was my friend. I have been very sad this week.
Het Jeff
I lost a twents the other day at Sheetz, you seen it?
Once worked with a guy who watched porn at work and would tell you anytime you mentioned a boat that a boat is a hole in the water you pour money down.
Q. Whats are the two happiest days for a boat (or airplane) owner?
A. The day you buy it, and the day you sell it.
Wow… so many nut jobs out there. Worked with a woman who smelled like men’s Rite Guard deodorant. She had a lot of facial hair, too. And she was a mean bitch. I hated her. She was single and somehow managed to adopt a baby form China.
Worked in a law firm that was a magnet for whackaloons. Was fixing my makeup in the ladies room when this older woman started pounding on the door and screaming at the top of her lungs “HURRY UP! I HAVE TO MOVE MY BOWELS” She foamed at the mouth a lot, too.
I have a bunch from my high school stint at McDonalds. Had one girl who had six fingers on one hand. She was a wiz carrying bags of French fries with that extra pincer.
You gotta admit, a 60yo male receptionist isn’t going to get hit on by every other guy in the office. But hey, if he could make you laugh and have a talk, that is a good receptionist quality.
Also, the long drawn out name, as a tech who is sometimes just out of earshot of PA systems, the drawn out name at the end when you finally crane your head over can save you having to go find a phone to call reception and ask who the hell they just paged.
I’ve got a few, but first I have to disassemble my iPhone and try to soak the Guinness out of it due to spitting/laughing at the coughing/pants-shitting/chair trilogy 🙂
Two employers ago, one of our salesmen was nicknamed Rain Man. “Gotta make a sale. Definitely gotta make a sale.” It didn’t help that his name was actually Raymond.
Another former co-worker was a unique character: supremely intelligent, very sharp guy, and no filter. One time it started raining and he’d left his car windows open. As he walked out to close them, he shouted at the sky, “Fuck you, God! Is that all you got? You fucking pussy!”
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Fifteen years ago some guy was hired who had some sort problem. He would linger in the mens room and say weird/creepy things to people as if to provoke a fight. He looked like a shorter and smaller version of the Seinfeld charter Kramer so that was what everyone would refer to him as the told of the latest ‘Kramer’ story.
One day there was a weird vibe with people whispering and walking by his cube. He wore a white shirt and underneath was a woman’s bra. He did not make it pass the annual layoff announcement and was let go.
Working in retail I had a manager who was a self proclaimed born again christian. She would constantly tell me I was a sinner and a fornicator because I lived with my boyfriend. She would hire random people without interviewing them because she would say jesus came to her and told her to hire them. If someone was in a bad mood she would say they had demons in them. She kept asking me if I wanted her to give me a bible to study. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and quit. I don’t know what happened to her.
Then, there’s this dude.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhzd-akFHwQ
PC load letter! What the fuck does that mean?
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I work in Television and we get some weirdo/dumbass types from time to time. I was working an evening shift once with a new guy they had hired. He was ok I guess but he would get up every now and then during the course of the night to practice his “karate” moves. Ok, whatever. One afternoon when I reported for my shift my supervisor and the Chief Engineer pulled me aside and asked me if I had made any phone calls the previous night. I said yes, I had called my then wife twice for something trivial. I asked them what was up and they said KarateManBruiseontheInside was using the control room phone to call the 900 numbers that we had been airing in late night. Turns out KarateMan thought because the commercials said it was free (up to a point) that it was a good idea to just go ahead and call said numbers with no one the wiser. He was fired on the spot.
I could post a 5,000 word essay on this topic, but I wont.
Good laugh: Go to Youtube and type in “Michelle Obama is a man” or Michelle Obama is a queen” and watch a few of those vids.
I have worked with so many ridiculous people I wouldn’t know where to start. I will however thank you for the picture of Sebastian. Once upon a time I also thought he was the most perfect man alive! 🙂