Last week I was at the post office, mailing an armload of stuff that should’ve been mailed a month earlier, and saw something run across the floor. It was in the back, where the workers work, and was moving at an accelerated clip from right to left.
“I think you guys might have a mouse problem,” I told the cashier.
“Oh, no, that’s a chipmunk,” she answered. “We know about it.”
A chipmunk?? In the post office? Well, she certainly seemed to be accepting of the situation… Were there beavers back there too, building dams with shredded Dominos ads, and slapping mail bags with those big tails and whatnot? A freaking chipmunk!?
Just as soon as she’d relayed this information, in a bored tone, the little bastard ran out into the middle of the floor and stopped. It felt like he was taunting me: “That’s right, bitch, I LIVE here.” He held that position for a minute or so, occasionally twitching and facing a different direction, and ran off again.
Weird. A few minutes later I saw a postal employee walking through that area, absentmindedly stepping around the chipmunk(!), and continuing on his way. What the hell, man?
And I’m going to use that as the basis for the Question of the Day… In the comments section, please tell us your stories about “animals in places they shouldn’t be.” I have three that jump immediately to my mind, and I’ll briefly tell you about them and turn it over to you guys. Sound like a deal? Good.
Years ago, my parents used to go to some fancy-ass hotel in Lexington, KY for weekend getaways. Usually there would be a whole gang of them, and they’d go to this place and decompress. Truthfully, I don’t fully understand. Lexington? Exotic! Hey, whatever.
Anyway, on one of these visits an aunt and uncle were there. And one morning my uncle opened the door to his room, and a giant sheep ran in. My dad told me it was enormous, and brown. It ran straight to the bathroom, and got into the tub. It was so big it completely filled the bathtub, and just sat there.
And this door he’d opened… It wasn’t facing the outside. This wasn’t a motel, it was an expensive HOTEL. So, what the??
Later they found out some teenagers had put the sheep inside the building as a joke. And the employees had a heck of a time getting it out of that bathtub. I guess it was snapping at them, and stuff. Heh.
Is that bizarre, or what?
And when I was a young kid a rat got into our house, through the dryer vent, and was racing from room to room. My dad had it cornered with a baseball bat at one point, and it reared up on its hind legs and hissed at him. Scary! I think my mother propped open the back door, and my dad coaxed the hideous thing out.
Yeah, I’m still in therapy over that one… Not really, but it was terrifying. The hissing… the yellow teef… I didn’t much care for any of it.
And finally, Bill and I were driving through Dunbar one night, many years ago. We were drinking beer, needless to say, and had the windows rolled down. April Wine was probably blasting from the tape deck… when a freaking bat flew into the car!
It was inside, flapping around ‘n’ shit, and we both began screaming and hollering. I whipped the wheel violently to the right, and we abandoned ship before the car was fully stopped. What the crap?? We looked inside, and the bat was now perched on the back of the passenger seat, its wings moving slowly up and down. It was also brown, and also hideous.
I think Bill threw something at it, and it finally exited the car. And that was certainly an unusual turn of events… For some reason we both started laughing, and couldn’t stop. I think it was adrenaline or something, but we just kept laughing and laughing.
And now it’s your turn. In the comments, please tell us your stories about “animals in places they shouldn’t be.”
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
I sometimes see dogs or cats in storefront windows at night – when the place is closed. I find that a bit odd.
Dogs are for security, cats are to catch mice; unless it is a bookstore, then the cat is likely a mascot.
Early response, for me. I’m quite proud.
I wish I knew which “fancy” hotel your folks were in, I live in Lexington.
I saw a lady in Church, DURING MASS with a baby squirrel in her dress. I thought I would die. After communion it ran onto her shoulder and she grabbed it and started feeding it from a bottle.
I was getting my old car back following an accident, while I was waiting i sat and talked to a very over-weight woman of the hillbilly persuasion that had a miniature chihuahua in her bra (for warmth, it was May, in Lexington).
Driving back from Louisville, I saw a pony in the back of a mini van. I woke my son up to look, just to make sure i wasn’t losing my mind.
Kentucky is an interesting place, i never saw stuff like this back home in Maryland.
Sorry to spam the blog, Jeff.
Yeppers me too.
Where were ya from, around Maryland hereabouts?
Greenbelt. Good old Prince Georges County!
Yeah, PG got the craziest. I had a good friend in school who was from Greenbelt.
I worked in DC for a while. Once, I accidently got off the Metro in Capitol Heights, and, well, nobody wants to do that, and so, I got back on the Metro.
I am from Salisbury.
Yes, the Eastern Shore…
I know, I know…
But at least you have the ocean close by… Kentucky has lakes, full of rednecks full of beer in power boats.
True. Plus, the Chesapeake Bay is close as well.
As you may know, here on the Shore, we have ponds, full of rednecks full of beer in canoes.
Slower than power boats, and way funnier.
hot fuzz says
I can’t read Lexington without thinking Lexington Steele… Google, nsfw, will make most males feel quite inadequate
We had a baby squirrel for a while. My husband would keep it in his pocket and bottle feed it
i noticed the squirrel because it was peeking over the back of her dress, i thought it was the tag at first, until it moved. Then it would duck down the back and run around, making her back look like something from alien. All I could think of was that squirrel was going to get loose and we would have a situation like the Ray Stevens song!
OK I got nuttin’ on the animals.
I am getting sick of these young, attitude- throwin’, street-mouthed, tauntin’ ass chipmunks.
We got ’em all over round these parts.
I think it’s the music they’re listening to.
Back in the day I worked at a pharmacy, this was pre-Viagra days and so the gentlemen that needed such help could turn to a product called Muse which was a penile suppository (think tic-tac sized – or just Google it).
Now we had a local come in and was just chatting (as old people do) and suddenly said “I think you got Mouse” but this Western Oklahoma accent made it sound like “I think you got Muse” I had no response to why he’d just sensed we carried the product but was left wondering how this particular spider-sense benefited him in life.
It wasn’t until a few days later that we found the mouse and I figured out what he actually said.
Chuck in Belpre says
The phrase ‘penile suppository’ made me flinch.
The instruction pamphlet was pretty hilarious. Though the phrase “do not flinch” while obvious was not in it.
Though in fairness the alternative back in the Stone Age of pre-1998 was to give yourself an injection in the base of the shaft.
I don’t even have those parts and it makes me flinch. And i’m a nurse!
“….a penile suppository (think tic-tac sized….”. I had to read that about 5 times before it sunk in. Hmmm…a tiny rocket for the ol’weiner. Wow.
Bill in WV says
Yeah, and you have to load it like you are loading a cannon ball into a cannon. Jeez, that’s just retarded.
“How many times must a cannon balls fly, before they’re forever banned?”
Interesting analogy….it seems like there was a stick to push it in further but that was a long time ago. The manual had pictures of the entire process.
hot fuzz says
that last part hurt
a fucking stick? Jesus save me
Adds a whole new meaning to “muzzleloader”.Powder,wad,shot and ramrod. Too weird.
If ya wants ta go to da party, ya gots ta have da invitation.
Say Team RamRod!
There are two workers at my local Post Office, one human and one canine. Not sure which one spends more time dozing on the clock…
An animal in a place it shouldn’t be? A giant tropical cockroach under my foot when I stupidly walked barefoot in the dark across a tile floor. I nearly landed flat on my back as I skidded on crushed cockroach juice.
Root 66 says
As we were unloading a trailer at our dock one night, the truck driver came in with a MONKEY! I guess it was her pet or co-driver, or something. Seems to me that a truck cab is a little too tight of a space for a pet like that. They both stunk to high heaven, but I wasn’t sure if it was the lady or the monkey that was funky .
A trucked comes into a bar and there is a monkey with the bartender. The bartender says it is a special monkey that when you slap it on the back of the head it gives you a blowjob. Trucker does not believe the bartender so the bartender slaps the monkey on the back of the head and it goes to town on him. After the bartender asked the trucker if he wanted to try it. The trucker said sure, but don’t slap me as hard as you slapped him.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Does a Jive Turkey in a department store count?
Lee Harvey Ramone says
What about a hot session cat in a recording studio?
I was thinking turkey in the White House.
Root 66 says
Do termites count? We had to replace our stairwell and a couple floor joists years ago because of them suckers. They can tear stuff up like nobody’s business!
The night I found them, I was home alone in our basement and I kept hearing this really strange, soft chewing-kind of sound. I started poking around and picked up a box of old magazines and there were like a bazillion of those suckers crawling around. I think I dropped the box and ran off screaming like a little girl…it still creeps me out, to tell you the truth!
That would have scared the crap out of me. We had an “incident” with carpenter ants coming up out of the floor of the shower. The floor of the shower was black. Good God,t his has to have been a good 20 years ago and I can still curl up into the fetal position thinking about it.
PS – For all the happy homeowners – Carpenter ants can do just as much, if not worse damage than termites,
I was a disgruntled kitchen manager at Dick Vitale’s favorite restaurant on Siesta Key in the mid 90s. Being disgruntled, I had no problem feeding salmon to an egret that kept coming up to the back door. This bird was about three and a half feet tall and probably had a five foot wingspan. Anyway, I had my accomplices coax the bird inside the back door with salmon and then shut it. The pteradactyl was startled and began to fly wildly around the dining room, crashing into ceiling fans and paintings on the wall. Someone opened the front door after a couple of minutes and he flew out. Never did come back for salmon again.
Did the same thing there with stray dogs, cats and raccoons.
In North Carolina, we visited a family that our son was friends with their son a lot. They had a Llama living inside the house. They had a room for the Llama with a large sandbox and it was trained to shit there. It was pretty awesome, except for the smell of the Llama.
hot fuzz says
Pteradactyl… too funny
I’m laughing like a horny tard right now
Ozzie Bucco says
We did the bird thing while on vacation in the Bahamas. We opened the terrace doors wide, sprinkled some Goldfish crackers around and let the birds go nuts.
A crappy restaurant near us has an outside vestibule, and a lot of pigeons hanging about. Some bread is all you need for hilarity to ensue. The birds get caught inside the vestibule until an unsuspecting customer exits the restaurant.
Wife and I went to Jamaica years ago and there were these big lizards everywhere. The doors to the rooms had about a 2-3″ gap between them and the floors and these lizards just made themselves at home in our room. It was a very nice place and I could never understand why they didn’t try to control them better – outside was fine but it was a bit freaky having them in our room for the week.
I honeymooned in Tahiti, on a small island called Moo’rea. And on this island they let their chickens walk around like they owned the place. And I don’t mean outside, along the side of the road, or anywhere seemingly normal like that, I mean through stores and restaurants and stuff. Our first dinner there one of these chickens walked right past our table and looked at us as if he was daring us to order him. All my husband could say was “at least we know it’s fresh.”
This reminds me of one of my favorite practical jokes.
Some high school kids somewhere reportedly took 3 pigs from somewhere (I know, it’s a little vague), painted numbers 1,2 and 4 on them and released them into their school.
Apparently the search for pig #3 took hours.
Chuck in Belpre says
If you dress the headless corpse of a dead deer in jeans and a flannel shirt and drop it on a well lighted overpass in the middle of the night hilarity will ensue. Or so I am told.
hot fuzz says
I never thought of dressing my deer in jeans and flannel. I find a french maid’s outfit more appealing. oh wait, you said “dead” deer… my bad, nevermind.
A few weeks ago I was in Trader Joe’s and heard people gasping and muttering. turned to see a mouse strutting right down the produce aisle. Some employee filling the bread display threw a box over him. People were scurrying around trying to get rid of it when this big burly bastard came strolling out with some kind of blunt object and THUMP THUMP the mouse was a goner. Kinda pissed me off they didn’t just throw him out in the woods.
Another time I waiting for a school bus to pick up a load of kids when a wild turkey ran across the street between my car and the guy behind me. Those birds are HUGE.
And a few months ago – I think it may have been the end of May – we were looking out on an adjacent hayfield and saw something out there we couldn’t identify. But, after reading in the papers about other “sightings” in our neighborhood, we’re led to believe it may be a mountain lion. In the suburbs of New York City. Holy shitballs.
The Mothman Prophecies….
Root 66 says
…or Bigfoot, or Chupacabra, or Nessie!
How I wish. Well, we do have black bear, coyotes and bobcats. What’s another predator amongst friends?
I’ll be carrying groceries in one day and that’ll be it. they’ll find my mauled corpse clutching a 12 pack of Bounty paper towels near my head in a feeble attempt to ward off whatever the hell it was that clawed the life out of me…
Root 66 says
That mental image is cracking me up! At least Bounty is the “quicker picker upper”, so you won’t leave too much of a mess! 🙂
LMFAO!!!!!!!! Pass me the Bounty…I just peed myself
hot fuzz says
There’s a joke in there about Bounty and an oversized tampon… I can’t find that joke but if anyone does, please let us know….maybe something involving Snooki? I got nothin….
Phantom Railfan says
I believe I’ve mentioned this previously, but a fast food place I worked at as a teen had a family of mice living behind the deep fryers. Management’s response was to say “Oooooh, aren’t they cute?” and leave them alone. “Infestation? Nah, they’re just mice, they won’t hurt anybody.” Nice.
In more recent times, I was working in an info kiosk located in a large mall where service dogs for the disabled were often brought to be trained for functioning in a crowd situation. The animlas were usually well-behaved, and often quite remarkable in their obedience, but one busy Saturday night one big canine forgot himself, got away from his handler, and proceeded to take a solo tour of every store in the mall. He was at large for at least an hour; big happy dog running around a crowded mall, darting in and out of stores with his tail wagging and his tongue flapping around; apparently he was convinced the people trying to catch him were playing a game. Every so often a call would come over the security radio saying something like “He just left menswear in JCPenney and is headed into the Yankee Candle…no, wait, he turned around! He’s running into the food court now!” In fact, the food court is where they finally caught him, but not before he stopped and took a big steaming dump right in front of a crowded Sbarro counter…
WB in OH says
Kinda sums up my opinion of Sbarro pizza.
But honestly, who hasn’t done that at the Sbarro counter?
Oh, one more animal story. We had the garage door up and I glanced out and saw a possum walk in. Now, this is a converted barn so there are lots of places for a possum to hide. Beloved decides he’ll get the leaf blower, make a lot of noise and poof – the critter will just up and take off.
The noise made the possum run into a corner behind a room we built to house our smoker. So the fucker was in a tight place. I get handed the leaf blower while Beloved goes to work with a rake. He scared the sunovabitch to come flying right at me. Armed with the nozzle of the leaf blower, I start jamming it into the side of the possum which now runs under a walk in cooler.
We left it alone after that and it finally left on its own accord. That’s one fugly creature to come tear assing directly at you!
Root 66 says
We had one of those nasty things checking out our garbage can one time. They look like giant rats (R.O.U.S.–Rodents of Unusual Size) and he was hissing at me pretty ferociously. However, he didn’t like being sprayed with the hose…so he gave up and left.
When I was little we lived in a house surrounded by woods. On day, my dad comes home to find a opossum in the garage. Keep in mind, my father would kill a fly let alone some other hairy creature. So he leaves the garage door open about a foot the next day so the thing would escape. He comes home that night to find the opossum “dead”.
He gets a shoe box, puts the opossum in it and precedes to dig a hole to bury it! After he puts the box in the hole he dug, he starts shoveling dirt back in. The first shovelful of dirt hit the box and all of a sudden the opossum jumps out of his makeshift grave and runs like hell into the woods. Thought my father was gonna drop right there.
…my father WOULDN’T kill a fly…..
Need. Edit. Button. For. Idiots.
Local animal control guy once brought a ‘possum buy the low rent biker commune I lived at about 30 years ago. Since we were all leaving for a long weekend in the mountains, we stuck the ugly little bugger in a cage and bungee corded him to the back of my Harley. Every beer stop we poured him a little, and when we got to the foothills we stopped at a suitable place and let him stagger drunkenly off into the woods. The next week the animal control guy stopped back by and asked about his ‘possum. We told him what we did, his response was “I thought, knowing you guys, that you’d eat him”.
I used to have a 20 pound indoor/outdoor cat that on a few occassions, when I let him in, because of his hefty jowls I didn’t notice he had a chipmunk in his yap. As soon as he got inside, he dropped it as his gift to me.
Also, a bat was found dashing about in my upstairs bedroom one night. My young son and I had taken apart the storm windows, and finally it landed on the screen and it was tossed outside.
Came home one evening and found a raccoon lurking about the front of my house in broad daylight (not a good sign I assume.) Neighbor was going to shoot it, but he couldn’t bring himself to do the deed. Said he would rather kill a thief than an animal. Anyhoo, it finally wandered off and never returned.
My sister had a cat that brought in a frog and another time a baby rabbit. The frog climbed up the living rom wall leaving little pad? prints the entire way up.
When I was growing up we had lots and lots of aminals in the house. Amoung 2 dogs and 6 cats, I added white mice to the mix. I kept them in a cage in my bedroom…much to my mother’s arguement to keep them in the garage or laundryroom.
Six cats…2 mice. Now add about 15 mice babies. Tiny little transparent rodents that were small enough to fit through the bars of the cage.
Fast forward to my dad getting up one night to go to the bathroom and stepping in mouse guts. He turns on the light and finds half eaten mice all over the place and the cat(s) all sleeping nearby.
When I lived in my old house with my Ex, we had a bat FLY down the steps at an incredible rate of speed. Scared the shit out of us as we were in la-la land just watching TV late at night. The dogs were going nuts as that thing was swooping and diving at us. I finally got the dogs out of the house and stood on the side walk outside of the house looking in. It was like a cartoon watching him chase this bat around the house with a broom swatting at it. Funny as hell. Never got it though. Flew back upstairs never to be found.
Like the movie “The Great Outdoors” with John Candy!
I used to go to this bar in Texas where they had befriended a raccoon. He had a little dog house sitting at the end of the bar. People would pour him a little beer in these small bowls, and he’d walk up and down the bar drinking. Once he got good and drunk he’d go back to his little house and sleep.
I was at a buddy’s house when I was a kid and a rat ran up my pants leg while we were walking down the hall. You talk about freaking the fuck out!
One of my neighbors had a squirrel for a while that he’d raised as a baby. But it went insaine and started attacking everything in site. So he drowned it in the bathtub.
We have a fennec fox living in our house right now.
hot fuzz says
For some reason, I found great humor in replacing Raccoon with Midget. The story just got even funnier.
Pants peed – check.
How sick! I love it!!
When I was younger I found a bird in the toilet. Not a porta-potty, the toilet in the upstairs bathroom in our house. No idea how it got there, I’m just glad I looked before I sat.
Now THAT’S a rim job!
Gonad the Bavarian says
” I think it was adrenaline or something, but we just kept laughing and laughing.” Or something, something like weed???
I’ve been actively trapping (kill ’em dead kind of trap) chipmunks for the past couple of months. Satisfies me every time I find one of the little bastards bodies.
Now really, they are letting this thing be inside a post office as a pet? What about the damage it causes? I suppose that might explain the gnawed corner on gradma’s box of cookies she sent, eh? And hows about the potential of it being a flea harboring rodent? Stupid idiots. Too bad you can’t drop a dime to the health department for rodents in a post office. Guess you could use rabies as a valid concern.
Better say, they are not inside my house.
hot fuzz says
Jeff, what a fun update. I was laughing my ass off about the sheep, I can just imagine the look on his face (your uncle, not the sheep).
What’s singular for sheep. Sheep sounds like a multiple kind of thing. Shoup?
My brother and Grandfather had the same deal with a rat. They got it cornered in the basement and it turned around on it’s hind feet. Grampa had a broom… oops…. he wispered to my brother just like Jeff Goldbloom in Jurassic Park 3.,,, now… run…get out….now.
There was a small little bat in a mid aisle display of Jello Puddings. It was just curled up in a ball in the corner of the display. This was probably scared guanoless.
Many years ago (wait, it was last Christmas) I was napping on the couch and a black kitten out of no where ran accross my arm…. turns out it was a squirrel…. and not a happy one either… It ran in to the kitchen and slammed in to the front window…shook itself and made a sprint to the back door (closed) and bounced off that…. It tried the front window again, you know, in case there was an update to the window’s firmware that rendered it permeable, but this time left foot prints on a “Rudolf” cake my sister had iced. It then left red and brown foot prints through the kitchen as it expedited it’s exit out the now open back door. A few cake touch ups later and the guests were none the wiser. I figure he went after me first because of the nuts. Squirrels like nuts… I had a nasty scratch on my arm but some alcohol splashed on it didn’t sting; I figured I was ok.
I’m still laughing about the sheep – too funny Jeff.
I once had to set up a trap line in the garage for some mice. I’m not a hunter but I got my share of pelts that day (say with an old Indian (feather not dot) voice…. my people often trapped the wild mouse for food and fur but many of the old ways were lost on the young of today.
We came back from a trip down south once and there was a dead mouse in the toilet. The lid was closed so I don’t think he got in from the seat side. The Molly-maids were in that week so I asked about it…. apparently had they known there was a mouse in the house 🙂 they wouldn’t have even stayed, let alone killed it and flushed it….. Can mice swim up drains? There’s a comforting thought the next time I’m taking a dump and big jake and the twins are hanging down like a mouse pinata… I can see them leaping like little dolphins at Seaworld at the hanging balls…. and by ball I mean MY BALLS….
One shep was in the tub.
That’s some funny shite right there, now.
I may be stealing, er, borrowing a line or three.
But I’ll give credit.
Why did “scared guanoless” take me so by surprise?
The singular for Sheep is quail.
The group name would be “bevy.”
A bevy of sheep.
Not a “murder” of sheep, which is what I previously thought it would be.
The collective might be bevy in Bizarro World, but in the English-speaking part of Earth, drove, mob, flock, and herd are preferred, depending what said sheep are doing at the time of description. t-storm is, of course, right about the singular.
…and, of course, “shitload” works as well. “Henry, you got a shitload of sheep there.”
Yeah, I was sorta making a play off of the quail joke.
It is, indeed, a bevy of quail.
And a murder of crows.
I deal in confusion and subterfuge.
Here in Bizzaro World.
I bird was in my house this past weekend. It flew in and landed in the middle of the living room. The worst part about is my dog, a hound, A BEAGLE
Root 66 says
Beagles don’t work on weekends!
A bird was in my house this past weekend. It flew in and landed in the middle of the living room. The worst part about it is that my dog, a hound, A BEAGLE; a dog whose three most hated enemies are rabbits, birds, and a hand that won’t feed, just let him sit there.
I have a horrible fear of birds. I just image them as little flying missles hell bent on putting my eyes out of my head and pecking off my finger nails.
The dog was on the couch with me, and there was this little eye-seeking fluttering rocket of doom looking at me. I told my dog, “Get ’em, Get’em”. The hound just look up at me, moving only his eyes.
So I started poking hime with my foot, “Go get him, get the bird, get you a snack, go get him.” Still nothing.
All the while this bird is just looking back and forth at us trying to decide which one of our faces he’ll shred to a natural style pulp with his freaky little bird feet.
Eventually I shoved my foot under my dogs ass and pushed him towards the edge of the sofa. He then finally went ghetto-footloose-gaspump style and chased the feathery hell beast around the house and outside.
Hitchcock fan, are we?
hot fuzz says
When I first read “animals where they shouldn’t be” I immediately thought of Richard Gere
Beer before pot, drink alot.
Pot before beer, Richard Gere.
This is my daughter’s story not mine. We had only lived in New Orleans a few months, she had a job as a bar tender in the French Quarter and loved it. The people that owned this also owned several other business in the quarter. A few of them some of you will like, the “Beer Garden’ with over 200 beers on tap and all of strip joints that aren’t owned by Hustler. Anyway, they also have a convenience store/sandwich shop called The French Quarter Deli. They asked her to fill in there a few times. One morning when opening she saw a small kitty, she reached down to pet it and it was a large rat! FYI: They are famous in the quarter so don’t eat in any of the restaurants!
The first thing that comes to mind is my Car Mice: they got under the hoods of both cars. In the Old Car, they only ate some insulation off the underside of the hood. In the Expensive New Car, they chewed up the engine wiring harness to the tune of $1300. Twice.
For a few months, I had a scaredy-cat hiding in the ceiling of my basement. He came out at night to eat and shit, but otherwise stayed concealed. Eventually he figured out that I wasn’t going to hurt him, and now he jumps on me in the morning to demand breakfast.
At my office, there are geese who apparently live in the parking lot and on the lawn. This is in a suburban industrial park.
One day I came home from work and found a cat loafing on top of my fence (wooden fence about 5 feet tall, with a flat top). The cat had its butt facing me. I gave it a pet and said “hi, kitty”. It turned around, and the I realized it was a possum, not a cat.
Saw swans and egrets in the Long Island Sound last weekend.
Went skydiving with a friend of mine. He’s blind. First time I ever heard a German Sherpard scream at 10,000 feet.
I lived in a shithole run by a shitbag in college. 220 Fosdick St, Cincy.
We had possum in the walls and occasionally the babies would roam the house.
I lived with:
Bryan – Pretty much a bad ass who wouldn’t flinch at that shit (ate light bulbs and crickets)
Me – Animals don’t scare me
Ben – Gay as a three dollar bill
George/Alison – An amazon of a woman whom I was plowing who probably scared the animals more than they scared her.
Karen/Broccoli – A freak music student
And Michelle – A Freak Opera student.
They freaked out when we had a baby possum running through the house. You should have heard the shrieks when the raccoon walked in and said “What’s up motherfuckers? Don’t I look just like a little mother fucking robber? And the first one who makes a coon joke is getting nut rabies!”.
My house currently has an ant problem.
I got a hamster when I was a kid without telling the rents. It got out and promptly made a home in the exposed baseboards.
Chuck in Belpre says
Me too with the ants. Terro will tear em up tho. If you use it you will see thousands at first…it’s amazing. Tehn they just disappear.
I forgot about the deer in my back yard. I live well within the city limits – note the word ‘city’.
I fought off a bat while completely and utterly nekkid once. I think I’ve written this story on here two or three times already. If I get the urge I’ll find it and repost it.
In the meantime, JEFF, YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE HORSE IN YOUR CAR!!:
That makes me laugh even harder than the sheep in the tub.
Sweet Jesus….I just cannot laugh this hard so early. I forgot all about that update…and prolly one of the best!
“….and it was doing all sorts of weird things with its lips……” I had to stop and take a breath over that one!
Thanks, Gretchen, for posting the link!
Yeah, the “weird things with its lips” line got me real bad too! 😉
P.S. I used the search term “horse” to find it in the archives. Maaan, do you know how many times Jeff uses the expression “high-horse”?! I’ll give you a hint: it’s approaching Deadwood numbers.
I almost sucked in a dry cranberry reading this and now my nose won’t stop running. I need to go into the archives – I’ve missed a LOT of good shit.
Bill in WV says
I wondered if anyone was gonna mention that. Not officially in the house, but nevertheless, interrupted bidness .
Grizzly Bear. ^ AM on a sunny Sunday morning. Feet up on the desk, wathching the Skinamax East Coat feed in Nome, Alaska.
I was half asleep, when I looked up and saw this HUGE freakin’ grizzly brush my office window tthen oceed over to the airline next door, beat the crap out of a chain link fence, then crawl through the gigunda hole he ripped.
I called thye local Police Depart, and they sent a cruiser out to “escort” the Gizzly out oftown. One of the funniest sight I have ever seen was a police cruiser, with all light’s aflashin’ following this bear down the road at 30 MPH. If they wanted to get technical,they couda issued the bear a citati for doing 30 in a 25 MPH zone!
Or for being drunk in public.
worked at tumbledown grocery store in salem wv
co-worker marty came screaming out of restroom with pants/underware around ankles
seems large rat came up out of commode while he was sitting on it
scampered across his legs and into hole in wall
few yrs later worked at sawmill
clyde, biggest,baddest mofo ever came out of the hollers in doddridge county wv came hopping out of the sawmill restroom/outhouse with pants /underware at ankles
a rather large blacksnake decided to slither in through the numerous cracks in wall during midcrap
after that clyde never went to outhouse with out carring his snake club
some times he never bothered going inside outhouse
just crap in logyard
said getting hit by forklift better than snake suprises
I thought I was the only other person in the outside world who knew of the existence of the “Town” of Salem, WV.
sawmill was in smithburg
even more nonexistant
Yesterday after a rainstorm, my husband saw a small raccoon amble out of a sewer grate looking rather bedraggled, streeetch the sleep off, then glance around and freeze when he saw my husband. He scooted back into the grate, rather disgruntled, while my husband stepped behind our truck to get out of line of sight. Sure enough, the ‘coon re-emerged, looked around more carefully, saw my husband anyway and decided a nearby tree was looking like a better option that the rainfilled sewer.
I was meeting with a client in her home about 18 years ago and we heard a commotion in her living room. An owl (a big one) had fallen down her chimney and was flapping around the floor. we had to throw a big beach towel over it and put it out of the house.
Ozzie Bucco says
This happened to us, but with a squirrel, a dead one. I opened the fireplace flue, and the squirrel came tumbling out. It didn’t fall to the ground since it was stuck to the side of the chimney by its guts. It just swung lazily back and forth.
My husband is a DJ here in Louisville. He went into work about a month ago, and as he stepped into the DJ booth he saw a huge possum sitting on the turntables. They both freaked out – the possum ran to the wall, climbed an electric conduit and made his way into the rafters right above the DJ booth. Husband tells the bartender who just says, “Not my fuckin job. Call the owner.”
Husband gets the owner on the phone & owner suggests, “Just turn the music up real loud. That usually makes him leave.”
Husband says, “Hold the phone. I have a giant possum hanging out above my gear, and your solution is for me to play him a little music? And you say that like you’ve done this before…. Wait, does that possum live in the bar?!”
Turns out, the possum just comes & goes as he pleases. I think the bar is a front for something else, they are remarkably unconcerned about it.
Nice skyscraper ad for Crossroads Road, Jeff. Very nicely done.
I went to a bar in the swamps of LA [Lower Alabama] and they had a bar dog named Jo Jo. He was famous for rolling over and masturbating himself with his paw when a hottie walked in.
Poor Jo Jo eventually died of lung cancer from second hand smoke.
I forgot about Lowes. There always seems to be a multitude of birds living in those stores.
Alice in WV says
I will never, ever have my car windows down again when it is anywhere near time for bats to be flying. Jeff’s story will cross my mind and I’ll suffocate before I’d have my windows down.
Someone on here wrote “cock roaches scurried when the lights came up” when talking about a movie theater. Now THAT story is echoing in my head and taunting me when I go to the movies. I tell myself that our town’s movie theater is not like that. Please don’t say I’m in denial. I AM NOT!!
tracy in ohio says
A coworker went to a discount theater where the movies are only a couple of bucks. Walked out of the theater and noticed hundreds of lice crawling all over her shoulders.
I decided then and there I will never go to a cheapy movie again.
A few years ago, I was alone in my apartment one night, watching television. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something furry walk into the room. I knew it wasn’t one of my cats, because they were asleep on the sofa next to me.
The creature was a small raccoon. It stood on its hind legs and stared at me. Not sure what to do, I panicked and looked for something, anything to scare it with or chase it away. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a couple of pans off the stove. I banged them together, hoping to scare the raccoon into leaving the same way it came in.
I chased the raccoon down the hall, and it ran back outside through a broken screen in our bathroom window. Needless to say, we repaired the screen soon after that.
When my husband and I first moved in together, we lived in a tiny guest house that wasn’t in the best condition. One day I went into the bathroom and there was a possum just hanging out in there. I closed the door, and asked my husband to kindly look in the bathroom, please. It seems that there was some sort of way in through the bottom of the sink/plumbing area. Yuck.
Here’s a serious question for the knowledge base.
I just bought a record player a few weeks ago (Spent too much, should have bought it on Amazon but wanted to support my record guy, he did give me about $100 in records for less than 50 bucks, though).
I need to get a reciever for it, does anyone have any suggestions for something like this? I’m definately not a high end guy but also don’t want shit either.
Adcom (if they’re still in business). Good stuff, reasonably priced.
mexico motorcycle says
running from foxhole to foxhole in Ft. Benning, GA circa 1984 during night firing exercise…I encountered a foxhole with 3 rattle snakes in it. I had live rounds…….they all died as the snapped and lunged at me..