I’m going to take some time away from the site, my friends. I’m struggling, and need to get a handle on things. I know that sounds kinda ball-baby bitch, and I apologize for abandoning ship. But things are out of control, and I don’t do well under such circumstances.
A few days ago I was in the upstairs bathroom, getting ready for work, and smelled gas. WTS? There’s no gas in there — not that kind, anyway. I went downstairs, and also smelled it in the kitchen. Really strong.
We have an electric stove, so this was a confusing turn of events. And it didn’t smell like natural gas, anyway. It smelled like… propane. Yeah, that’s it! So, I walked out onto the slanted deck, and discovered the source. Man, it was just a catastrophic explosion waiting to happen out there.
I checked the grill, and it was turned off. But then I saw a big hole chewed into the hose that runs between the tank and the grill itself. Squirrels! One of those deceptively cute little assholes (I assume) chewed a hole in the hose, and the entire contents of the tank escaped. And it had been roughly 95% full.
Yeah, I know. I should’ve turned off the tank. And I should always put the cover on the grill after each use. I don’t need any lectures, goddammit. I realize it’s partly my fault. But what kind of crazy animal chews-up a propane hose? What’s the upside for them? I don’t get it.
So, that’s currently unusable. We cooked-out over the weekend, but used charcoal and our little camping grill. It’s emasculating. You should see this thing. I feel like I’m playing with an Easy-Bake Oven. Embarrassing.
Also (and this was the scariest event yet), my computer shit the bed. It wouldn’t boot-up, and I was convinced (convinced!) the hard drive was a goner. I kept getting the blue screen of death, with a message that terrified me. Holy shit! This could very well be the fatal blow.
My computer is about three years old, powerful as hell, and semi-expensive. I spend a lot of time in front of the thing, and splurged on a good one, last time ’round. And there’s no way in hell I could afford — at this point — to replace it. Plus, there’s so much important stuff stored on there. My right hand was WHIPPING through my hair.
This happened on Sunday, and I called a guy who was a bigwig in the IT department at my previous job. He’s helped me out of several jams in the past. But both numbers I had for him have been disconnected. Did he move? Hell if I know. I went on Facebook and tried to find him, but there was nothing. Who doesn’t have a Facebook page in 2011? Especially an IT dude? Grrr…
I started calling computer repair shops around here, and got answering machines. But one guy picked up, and told me the problem could be “no big deal,” something “really ugly,” or a few other things. Wow! This was some helpful information.
But he said I could bring it to him on Monday, the 4th of July, and he’d take a look at it. He asked me to take it to his house, not his shop, which seemed weird to me. But whatever.
So, on Monday morning I put the tower in the passenger seat, programmed this dude’s address into the GPS, and…. my car wouldn’t start. It was deader than Kelsey’s nuts. Seriously? Could this possibly be true? Was I being punk’d? I’ve never had an ounce of trouble with that car, and now this??
I was already running late, so I transferred all the shit to Toney’s car and took my computer to the guy’s house. I asked him to give me a receipt confirming he had my tower, which offended him a little, I think. But I had visions of him saying, in two or three days, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen you before in my life.”
While driving back to our house I felt like I might be on the cusp of a nervous breakdown. I was panicked, angry, and on the verge of tears, all at the same time. My whole world was crashing down around me. Here’s an up to date list of the things that have failed over the past few weeks:
Netflix streaming (a small hiccup, as it turns out, but I freaking lost it)
my iPod (corrupted, and completely wiped clean… I haven’t even had the energy to investigate. Fuck it.)
the battery in my laptop (holds a charge for roughly four minutes, which doesn’t do me much good)
When I returned home we called AAA, and asked them to tow my car to the garage we always use. They said they’d be here in 45 minutes. And about an hour and fifteen minutes later a white pickup truck pulled into our driveway. Where’s the tow truck? What’s going on now??
Some surly and disagreeable bastard emerged, with a battery charger. He ordered me to release the hood, and connected the charger to the battery. Nothing happened. But he kept monkeying with it, and it finally fired up.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but it’s running and you can drive yourself to the garage,” he said, before getting back in his truck and leaving. Nice. A real breath of fresh air.
The guy at the garage gave me an assessment similar to the one I received from the computer dude. It could be something easy and cheap, apocalyptic, or several things in between.
Toney followed me to the garage, and I asked if she wanted to go to Waffle House, after I finished describing my latest problem to the latest stranger. I needed to drown my sorrow in bacon grease…
And I could go on and on with this, but the computer problem is fixed. It cost me ninety dollars, and was something to do with corrupted memory. I consider it a bullet dodged. But the car is another matter. We got “good” news about it as well. They said the battery was dead, and that was my only problem. Whew! I can deal with a dead battery. I also considered this to be a bullet dodged. I was excited.
However, when we arrived to pick up my car, the hood was raised, in the middle of the parking lot. Uh oh. The guy said they put a new battery in it, but it appeared to be defective. It was doing the exact same thing it was doing for me, earlier in the day. He assured me it was just a bad battery, but I don’t have a warm and fuzzy feeling. I think they might have misdiagnosed the problem.
But, so far so good. I drove it all over carnation (as one of my aunts would put it) yesterday afternoon, and it started every time. So, maybe we’re OK? Yeah, I wouldn’t bet a whole lot of money on it.
So, you see… this is the way all of my so-called downtime has been used. And my downtime isn’t exactly plentiful. I’m working a ton of hours, because we need the money, so everything is just out of control right now.
I need to take a week, and at least one vacation day, and try to get a handle on things. I can’t live like this. I’m a wreck. Over the weekend Toney told me: “You know, sometimes you’re not an easy person to like.” I’m supposed to be happy about all this? I should be skipping through the park with a basket full of rose petals at this point?! Not an easy person to like? I feel like I’ve been remarkably restrained. I didn’t flip out like Jovis, or anything. Heck, I didn’t even have a beer.
I don’t know when I’ll update again, but it’ll probably be next Monday. No later than next Monday. I’m sorry, but I really need to regain control of my life.
By the way, I was supposed to be working on the Nancy update over the weekend. That didn’t happen, for obvious reasons, but I might squeeze it out during the week. We’ll see how it goes.
However, I do have some fresh Nancy news: somebody stole her purse on Sunday, and bought several thousand dollars worth of electronics with one of her credit cards. They have her driver’s license, her house and car keys, and all her cards. Sheesh. My blood pressure is ratcheting upward, just thinking about it.
So, there ya go. I’m going to go underground for a few days, but will be back soon. I appreciate you guys sticking with me. I’ll probably be on Twitter occasionally, but other than that… I’m taking a break.
I’ll see everyone in a few days.
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Jeff, no worries. I don’t surface to comment a lot but I read daily and I wanted to pop up and tell you that this crap definitely comes in waves.
My A/C just conked out, resulting in two weeks in and out of shitty motels because we are saving for a long trip to visit family in Boston and Michigan (from Texas). I have a PhD and I am busting my butt writing freelance to cover it, because before that our one vehicle broke down and we had to buy a new one.
My H key on my $1,000 computer doesn’t work because my husband took the keys off to clean them. God love him.
So, yeah. I understand completely.
Try to relax. And relax for me too while you are at it.
I always enjoy your comments. What’s your doctorate in? If it’s English, I guess you can remind me that a preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
hot fuzz says
John, have figured out how she typed words like “husband” if her H key is busticated? Me neither….
Doesn’t matter I guess; she seems nice.
hold Alt, then 1 0 4, release Alt = h
Hot…Nice catch. Limey…Nice techno-dance…
Maybe she was just telling us to go to h.
Maybe she’s Canadian and her spouse is Lord Beaverbrook, which doesn’t contain an h. She can just call him Lordy and save the keyboard.
If I pound the hell out of the h it sometimes works.
Doctorate is in tec writing and rhetoric. (see? fucking key!)
Fortunately for you, it still works as “retoric”. And don’t blame Lord Beaverbrook for your own lack of strength in depressing the keys. I suspect he’s doing the best he can under the circumstances.
I’m not overstocked on post-grad degrees, so this might be a dumb question, but…Is that rhetoric in the Platonic sense or in the syntactic sense?
(feel free to copy/paste as needed)
Platonic. But I am practical – I study health writing and I do medical writing on the side. Persuasion is a small part of it for me.
Thanks for the copy and paste! LOL!
Yes, problems are always “cheap and simple” or apocalyptic.” I went to the hostial in Nome last week and was told it was probably “cheap and simple.” Went into Anchorage and had 10 vials of blood drawn and 5 litres of fluid drained off my abdomen yesterday, and found out it’s gonna be apocalytic. Gee, it’s lucky we’re born with two livers! …Oh wait, I musta been thinking of kidneys. This evening I’m on a plane bound for Western New York, with 5 different prescriptions. Feel a lot better, and can actually pee a normal color.
Coming home to WV next Wednesday, hopefully!
Hope you continue to feel better and to get better. Let us know how this is coming along. I’d loan you one of my livers, but I already donated it to the bourbon hall of fame.
Dishwasher: Go green. Recycled paper plates, Tostitos Scoops for utensiles and all foods to be cooked outside over an open fire. (see below)
Lawnmower: Fence in entire property and get two goats, Have Toney start calling you Oliver and you start calling Andy, Arnold.
Deck: Every day throw two items off the deck and then run up and down your street yelling…”HE WAS RIGHT…HE WAS RIGHT”
Grill: Rent out space in your backyard for funeral pyers.
Car: Get a horse and buggy and tell everyone you’re a “Born again Amish”.
Computer: If you had installed an edit button, your computer karma would have been cool. You might be fucked on this one.
Tostitos scoops for utensils! That is frickin’ BRILLIANT!
Don’t know what my exes are doing in your bunker (via the cam), but could you hold onto them for a couple of months? Man, those hockey sticks really smart when used from behind. Thanks…
Its “Bikerchick Appreciation Day!!!”
Happy Birfday to ME
Happy Birfday to MEE
Happy BIRFday to MEE-EEE
Happy Birfday to MOI!!
48 and the boobies still party hats!
Chuck in Belpre says
and this post is meaningless without pics. you have a new camera. 🙂
It’s coming…It’s COMING!! I haven’t received the camera yet. Hopefully today! But I have a pic ready anyway. Just haven’t had time….and my computer FUBAR, remember? Thanks for the birfday wishes!
WB in OH says
Happy B-Day bc!!!!
Happy Birthday dear boobie-I mean, Bikerchick, happy Birfday to yooooooooou!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIKERCHICK! (passing slabs of cake around) Everybody, have some cake!
Hope you’e having a fantastic day! Here’s some tassels for the “girls.”
Thanks everyone!!! I’ll take 2 pieces of cake…one for each side of my ass.
Instead of tassels, my father used to say “she’s not wearing anymore that 2 corks and a bandaid!”
50 in ten days. However, my 50th is composed of driving to Indiana to pick up my son over the 19-20, so won’t be on here probably.
Happy B-Day Bikerchick. Somehow I knew you were a Cancer.
I guess that should have been “comprised” and 18-20th. Stress filled lunch.
AWG: Did you know Cancer’s are considered to be very romantic and sensitive??
Yes, Bikerchick, I knew that. I am flowing with both of those traits.
I had a feeling you were.
Bill in WV says
Happy Birthday girl !! Spend as much time as possible today in your birthday suit.
Happy Birthday, BC!!!
And early Happy Birthday, AWG!!
After reading 147 comments, my brain is frazzled. That’s all I’ve got.
Happy birthday, Bikerchick!!
Thanks to all of my extended dysfunctional family!! xoxo
hot fuzz says
So, whadjya get for yr brthdy?
lori in cbus says
Happy Birthday Bikerchick!! I just had my 42nd on the 3rd..
US CANCERS ROCK!!! 😉
t-storm..if you need a really good woman with lots of love to give, i’m available. I have a picture of my boat..
Is there a man in the boat?
lori in cbus says
tstorm you dog..
but of course… 😉
I couldn’t help myself. How do I see said boat? The original boat, not the applied boat.
Happy Birthday to Lori, AWG, and the Chick. I hope at least two of you will celebrate with appropriate red pumps, and I hope all of you will score. Have a great day.
Late to the party, but happy Birthday, Bikerchick! Hope it’s a good one!!
Hope I’m not too late
Just found out it’s your birthday
Hugs and kisses…-d
I’m an old-school Cancer. I know they re-aligned the Zodiac once they found out the original chart makers were hash eaters and played with mercury all day. Hell…I could be the Cancer poster child. Then again…eating hash is kinda cool and mercury is a trip to watch rool around in the palm of your hand.
shuttle launch in 8 minutes.
WB in OH says
I can’t believe they got it done today, weather was supposed to be a problem, then Hal shut it down with 31 seconds to go. Seems like they never clear an alarm that quick.
Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store.
You’ll shoot your eye out.
Chuck in Belpre says
My guess on the Anthony release is that she will be released early but in secret. While everyone is waiting for her to come out she will already somewhere else. That could explain the extra 4 days of confinement they came up with overnight. Just a theory.
testing (my entries aren’t showing up)
T. Farty McAppleass says
also testing (thought y’all done banned a brother)
As I have mentioned, I am an Orioles fan. Yes. Orioles. I know- no one cares, and it’s my fuckin’ problem anyway.
But… look, if you guys don’t hear from me for a while, just know it’s been fun reading all of your thoughts… I may go crime spree, I may just go disappearance, but either way…
Baseball fans, make sure to catch the highlights on Sportscenter.
Of the game, I mean…
At least they fought.
Not one O’s fan?
Fuck me witha paddlewheel, fine.
doctorright…A couple of weeks ago my sister, her husband and their 12 year old granddaughter (huge Reds fans) took a bus trip/ tour from Cincy to Baltimore for two O’s games. I asked why the O’s and Baltimore and she said, I’m just glad it wasn’t Cleveland”,
Hope that makes you feel better.
Ha ha hahaha…
yes. Much, much better.
Bittersweet, though… wait, I might be sad…
Two corks seems excessive, and one band-aid seems insufficient.
…but I guess that was his point.
Horrible Bosses was awesome!
But….who takes a baby to a fucking movie?
Assholes who feel entitled.
You have certainly had more than your share of crap happen. I hope the break is fruitful, Jeff.
King Midas had a twin brother. Ever hear or say, “Seems like everything I touch turns to shit”? (I did today) Well…that’s where King Fecal rules. He’s more of an everyman’s king than the elitest prick Midas positioned himself to be. King Fecal was a fun loving, pesky guy who was the originator of ‘punking’. He just likes to mess with you to make you think everything is fucked…but it all turns out ok after all.
WB in OH says
Any of you people Seether fans? I got absolutely blasted last night with their bass player. Awesome dude!
I saw Coheed and Cambria and Soundgarden on Tuesday night, what an awesome show…they really ripped it up. Chris Cornell has a metal voice sent from high above…highlights of the night: Beyond the Wheel and Outshined.
I saw the Tragically Hip last night, another good show. Thanks to a very good friend, my total expenses were $3…including admission, unlimited beer and driving around the festival site in a golf cart at 1am. What a fun time!
Lots of live music left…but above all I am most excited for A Perfect Circle tonight…
Saw “The Hangover 2” this weekend. More penises than I’m comfortable with, but not bad overall.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’m only comfortable with one…and that would be mine. Two or more would be a crowd.
dto reporting from Pagosa Springs, Colorado.
The Ace Hardware here has a bridal registry. Very few places can you place a bridle on your bridal registry.
I have one more week here and then head 50 miles south back home. Been here learnin’ my new craft. I’ll be turned loose with my own 21ft. roll-back and will get another truck in a couple months. I’m now a “Recovery Specialest” as I like to say. Fancy assed title I made up for tow truck/ wrecker driver. I go all over the place up here. From Santa Fe to Denver, to Taos to Shiprock. We’re licensed in Colorado and New Mexico. I’m a lucky fellow. Good pay and it’s beautiful around here. And I’m just getting started. The tales I could tell just after one week. What a blast!
Congrats, dto. Keep a journal. Write in it every night. Start writing it in book form after six months. At the end of a year, you’ll have a rough draft and it will include adventures from all seasons. Just an idea.
And for crappin’ out loud, be careful out there.
Chuck in Belpre says
WB in OH says
Not even close Chuck!
Chuck in Belpre says
If it’s any consolation the dehumidifier in my basement has shit the bed, still making lots of noise but not extracting a single drop of water. Not that it’s humid out or anything…. grrrrr. At least you can wash dishes by hand, how do you dehumidify by hand?
Chuck in Belpre says
I saw a squirrel dipping his nuts in a bowl of Cherry Garcia. It’s just that hot.
I have a dehumidifier that’s sputtering over here. If it goes out I’m shooting myself in the head, no questions asked.
I went to the mall today and had to take a piss. The place was packed. As I walked up to an empty urinal the guy next to me muttered something. As I looked down at the urinal it dawned on me that he was saying, “somebody shit in that one.” There was a huge soft-serve pile of shit in the urinal. Who the hell did that and how did they not get caught? Disgusting.
lori in cbus says
i think that pretty much sums up Jeff’s last coupla weeks
I think that’s pretty close, Lori, but to really capture the flavor, the muttering guy would have actually had to shit on Jason’s shoe.
…and where the hell is Dorothy? Haven’t heard from her for too long. We need some of her wisdom and cuss words. Dorothy, please write when you get time. Thanks….
We had that exact scenario with a car battery once, only my hubby was doing the work himself. When the new battery didn’t solve the problem, he spent a few days jump-starting and trying to figure out what else might be wrong before he hauled the darn thing back to the store.
Anybody remember the Friends episode where Monica’s identity gets stolen, and the thief signs up for a dance class or something that Monica’s always wanted to do, but couldn’t justify spending the money on? I hope that happens to Nancy. Although I’m not sure what takes the place of “dance class.” Starting a hippie commune?
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I’m suddenly in the mood for some noodles.