I really need to get out of this house. I’ve been in front of a computer since Thursday morning, more or less, and it’s starting to take its toll.
I burned a vacation day on Sunday, and made an attempt at using the long weekend to knock a few items off my ever-expanding to-do list. And even though I didn’t get everything done, I accomplished more than usual. So, I’m pleased.
However… I feel strange and cut-off from the world. I’ve been sitting in this babyshit green room for days on end, with my iPod on shuffle play (Dinosaur Jr. to Glen Campbell to REM to Benny Goodman…), to the point of almost complete isolation. I’m starting to lose it, man!
It would be a gross exaggeration to say I’m looking forward to going back to work this evening, but it’ll probably do me some good. ‘Cause I think I’m about twelve hours away from building shit-castles in the middle of the living room floor.
Our weekend roll call (ongoing) was amazing. Thanks to everyone who told us where they’re reading the Surf Report. Over 320 comments! It must be a new website record, right?
I tried to make some sense of everything here, and it appears we haven’t yet had Surf Reporters check in from Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Kansas, Montana, South Dakota, Vermont, or Wyoming. Anyone reading from those places today? If so, please log it in Thursday’s comments. We need a full 50-state representation.
And thanks to everyone who participated. It’s been fun, and mind-blowing.
Thanks especially to folks reading outside the U.S. and Canada. I always wonder how my ridiculous adventures in suburbia translate in foreign countries. But some things are universal, aren’t they?
Today our second weekly recap email is going out to subscribers of the mailing list. I didn’t really know how it would be received, but I’ve gotten lots of positive feedback. So, I’ll keep it going.
If you’re not subscribed yet, what are you waiting for? You’ll not only receive the recaps, but also access to periodic super-secret updates.
And just so you know… we’re due to have “visitors” during the coming weekend. Which means there will likely be bonus material for subscribers soon, very soon.
Don’t miss out on it! Subscribe today.
A few nights ago Toney had something to do in the evening, and the boys and I were on our own for dinner. She suggested I use a Pizza Hut coupon, and buy several medium one-topping pizzas for $5 each.
I don’t like giving Pizza Hut my business, in an area loaded with incredible mom ‘n’ pop pizzerias and spaghetti houses. It’s like going to a bar with 25 microbrews on tap, and ordering Coors Light. It’s almost criminal.
I did, however, like the idea of doing dinner cheaply, and took her advice. But only one topping? That’s quite limiting for a man of size…
After stewing about it for a few minutes, I decided to take the easy way out and ordered my pie with pepperoni. If you could only choose one pizza topping, what would it be? I feel like my choice was unimaginative and predictable.
And the $5 Pizza Mia? I thought it was pretty darn good. For five bucks I was expecting something from a microwave, like at Chuck E. Cheese or a baseball stadium. But I was pleasantly surprised. MUCH better than Coors Light.
Last night I was trolling the internet for my daily ration of fucked-upness, and found a short video clip of what appeared to be eight naked Japanese women blowing something liquid out of their asses, onto another naked Japanese woman suspended from the ceiling in a leather harness.
Yep, that’ll do it. Mission accomplished!
But it got me to thinking… How long has it been since I’ve been truly astonished by something I saw on the internet? The bar has been set incredibly high at this point… If I’d watched that video clip in 1979, my head probably would’ve exploded. Now? It was certainly worth a chuckle, but I didn’t even send a link to my friends. I’m sorry, but it takes more than just a twenty-one ass salute.
Without getting overly graphic and disgusting with it, please use the comments section to tell us about the most recent shocking thing you’ve discovered on the internet.
And I’m going to turn it over to Metten now, and drag myself out from behind this computer, before my skin starts meshing with the chair.
See ya tomorrow.
The Qweezy Mark says
Joe T. says
Greg in Cincinnati. says
2 girls, 1 cup. I could not finish watching it. We do however require the Japanese girls blowing bubbles out their asses link…
I find plenty of disturbing things on the internet but they don’t shock me.
I usually think they’re funny and sometimes I put them in my blog…
Metten, your description of trying to use the new bathroom at work was great! I’ll be laughing about that one all day..
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
Last thing I saw that was truly shocking was from “Live Journal Random Picture Generator”, which monitors every Live Journal page and pulls pics from those sites at random, thus the name……
It was apparently taken in Russia and portrayed some poor sumbitch that tried to off himself by giving a 12 gauge shotgun a blowjob.
He missed and proceeded to take off half his face and survived. Not a pretty picture.
Whoa, fix your roll-call. I don’t live in Boyertown. South Coventry for me. No offense to any inbred Boyertown nazis out there 😉
woohoo – first time I’m in the top ten!
Bill in WV says
Jeff, I think that the little video that you linked to about 2-3 years ago pretty much made my lower jaw retract and stands at the top of my freakiness list. It showed a morbidly obese chick lifting and dropping her fat shelf onto some poor bastard’s (in his underwear-no less) back. Repeatedly. I still think that the video showing the fat bartender chick falling down a hole behind the bar was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Needs to be a Surf Report Classic very, very soon.
Number 9 and just got the weekly update from last week. Just awesome!
Hmm.. Nothing much shocks me. Although I did come upon a message board about people whose sexual pleasure was dressing up like stuffed animals. I truly thought that was a joke, but since then I have been assured that it is not.
I have had my students test some instructions though that I found online – one was “How to make an alien thought-shield helmet.” They were pretty shocked at that one.
If I could choose one topping it would be pepperoni. Predictable, but true. It is the best.
Aw, man. Missed again!!
Pizza Toppings: If I could only choose one it would be bacon. Why? Because everything’s is better with bacon, that”s why.
Nothing on the internet has really shocked me in a long time. Two girls one cup is funny and gross, but not shocking. Likewise Goatse and Tubgirl. I find most of the iconic “shock” vids and pics to be more funny than anything. Of course this does not include harming children and animals. I don’t mind when adults get harmed as long as they either consented or deserved it.
I still find this to be hilarious:
WARNING – If 2 girls 1 cup made you ill this vid is NOT for you (also, you’re a big fat pussy).
It’s from Dirty Sanchez, which is like a British version of Jackass, but funnier.
A $10 Costco pizza rocks, also. One topping?…pepperoni, baby. I was shocked to learn that a marxist had been elected to the presidency.
Nothing phases me any longer. I am Intermune.
I think it’s a new condition. I bet millions are suffering and aren’t even aware. Maybe I should set up a paypal account to start collecting for the cause! Will need a spokesperson, wonder what Gary Busey is doing?
Like the shower FAIL. 🙂
Impossible to choose only one topping. Can’t divulge any further info on that subject.
Jeff, Kindle 2 just announced. Due out the end of the month. Here’s your chance.
I’ve been watching from the Poconos for years! My parents and grandparents are from your valley! How about a column on Old Forge Pizza?
Sadly, there’s not much that shocks me on the Internet anymore. I wince at a lot of stuff, though, for example those skater video compilations of guys biting it doing various crazy stunts on municipal property. I can feel my balls retreating into my body just thinking about it.
tony tony tony says
Greg in Cincy, are you milo and hank’s dad?
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says
After bartending for 10+ years, there is very little that can shock me anymore (except 2 girls, 1 cup, YIKES). Wally likes to find stuff he thinks will give me a full body shiver.
Gotta go with pepperoni if I only get 1 topping choice as well.
Have a great day, Surf Reporters!
ZAZU the Pitts says
I work aside RN’s. Not much on the internet can phase me after hearing some of the things they’ve told me…
Eugene B. Sims says
My most shocking Internet moment… Seeing a video from a traffic camera that shows an Asian man on a scooter changing lanes in busy traffic. He crossed into the path of a very large (and heavy) truck. The truck driver didn’t see him and you can imagine the results… Just about every wheel on the left side of that truck had to be hosed off. Especially the two rear tires that smeared the poor soul for about 20 feet.
Pickles the Clown says
I would also go with pepperoni or maybe Jalapeño peppers. After 2G1Cup and seeing some guy beheaded I’m numb.
Most scary Internet moment… The video of the Indians crossing the railroad tracks in front of a passenger train booking it at probably 70-80 miles a hour. The were heading for the platform and didn’t use an overpass or underpass (if there even was on), just ambled across the tracks. The train almost plowed about 6 of ’em.
F-U-L-L Body shiver!
Shiny Rod says
twenty two ahems
Shiny Rod says
One glass table, one japanese girl with diarrhea, one very brave camera operator, please, no visuals, this was really sick.
Shiny Rod says
@CARLA – Costco has the 16″ Uno version for $7.99
Shiny Rod says
Sorry CARLA that was for 2Tall…
Shiny Rod says
ehh the was BJ’s, damn too many club cards here…
Pepperoni. It just isn’t a pizza unless there is at least pepperoni on it.
Can’t think of anything that has phased me in recent years on the interweb. Even 2girls1 cup only had a brief ew moment, but I think my comment on it was a simple ‘weird’. Tubgirl did discust me though. Years of a dot t didn’t condition me for that.
Tempo Relentless says
The results of your survey are skewed. Your question was ‘I’d like to know where you are: in what city are you reading today’s update’?
That is why I responded with ‘Reading update at work (nice!!) in Frederick, Maryland’.
I don’t live at work (although sometimes it feels like it ) !!!
I live in the Center of the Universe – Waynesboro, PA…
P.S. A-Rod is innocent !!!!
Larry M says
Two Asian girls in what at first looked like it was going to be a “good” video. It quickly took a very sharp turn for the worse. A lot of vomit….A whole lot of vomit, resembling oatmeal.
Shiny Rod says
Too late, he confessed…
My one topping would have to be pineapple. I think that is THE most delish thing you can eat on a pizza.
The most shocking thing I have recently seen on the internets is an 8 yr old that was still breastfeeding. Ya know I am all for starting your kids out right but I think that is going way beyond. Ugh. It is still creeping me out thinking about it.
I’d choose pepperoni too. Not a fan of the Pizza Mias, though – I prefer the regular Pizza Hut pizzas that are basically grease with some dough, sauce, cheese and pepperoni attached.
There’s lots of gross stuff on the Internet I can’t watch or look at. I’m a wimp. I almost threw up when someone merely DESCRIBED 2G1C to me… ugh!
Pepperoni for the topping. Anchovies if the Mrs would ever let me..
As for EWW, two girls one cup most recently…Though a few years ago, I was emailed a video of a beheading in Iraq..that one got me good.
Chris McMahon says
The description of 2 girls 1 cup is bad enough, I refuse to watch it.
I’ve grown numb to Goatse.cx over the years but Lemon party is something I could unsee.
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says
Wally will never get anchovies on a pizza that he is sharing with me. Ever!
jim britton says
If I get to choose, make it on a Sicilian pizza, love the crust!
Joe T. says
Sorry to pee on your parade, but I believe extra cheese is the biggest scam perpetrated on American pizza buyers. The extra cheese put on the pizza is nowhere near what you’re charged for the service. I imagine pizza cooks everywhere shaking their heads, snickering when they see an extra cheese order. The thought of extra cheese is great….the reality is otherwise.
As someone who enjoys getting drunk in border towns and laughing at the donkey show… or tranny dancers… or toothless prostitutes offering a “hand…” there isn’t much on the perversion side that is going to make my jaw drop. Hell, I even thought I may want to have kids after this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Gqc5S6t2U
The only thing that ever gets me is when I see people killed in graphic detail. I can laugh at smart-bombs dropping on training camps and the aforementioned Malaysian traffic accidents, but that Daniel Pearl video or that Satanic Human Sacrifices videos will make me recoil in horror.
Oh, and the toppings are:
I’m good with any of those being the only topping.
I came here to say Tubgirl but Alex beat me to it. That’s the worst thing I have ever seen. A buddy of mine secretly put it on our other friend’s computer as his background. I don’t think he spoke to him for about a month after that. Terrible.
I’ve seen some pretty disturbing things on the net but I have a feeling if I check the comments section here at the WVSR tomorrow- that should about do it!
Pepperoni, hands down.
Most shocking… my (now ex) boyfriend’s gmail inbox containing multiple saucy emails to girls other than myself. (note: when choosing your email password, be a little more creative than the name of your favorite superhero and your birth year, dumbass.)
Most disturbing, though, is a little video clip I call “poohcano”.
Videos of people getting hurt (like landing crotch-first on a handrail, falling from a building and getting folded in half, necktie caught in meat grinder, that sort of thing) make me cringe, but I really enjoy watching them.
bunches of ahems
Did anyone else ever see the english? guys and their drinking bet?
One guy got a beer enema and the other guy …(ugh) drank it following expulsion. He lasted about 10 seconds before puking.
That one still haunts me.
Not recently discovered, but I am always amazed (grossed out also) with the free porn clips that show some guy putting two hands “in there”, sometimes up to their elbow.
WTF? How does one get it so stretched out?
Inserting bowling pins to amaze your friends?
Smuggling wine bottles across the border?
Someone please explain. I have never met a woman with one of these mondo coochies.
ok. Too many of you mentioned 2Girls1Cup, and i had never seen it so I googled…
I’d like to change my answer now.