English Settlement by XTC is one of my favorite albums, and it continues to provide for me in my old age. In fact, it inspired today’s update. I was listening to it at work a few nights ago, and the song “Senses Working Overtime” caused me to start thinking about the five senses, and which one I’d give up, if I was forced to choose.
Weird, I know. But I work ten hour shifts, and things start to go wonky near the end…
So, let’s forget about the feasibility of such a premise, and focus on the pros and cons of each sense. Then, once the evidence has been examined, we can make a final choice on which would be the easiest to do without. OK? OK.
I’ll list them as XTC does…
See I don’t believe too many people would choose to give this one up; it’s a pretty kick-ass sense, all things considered. Sure, people can function without it, but I don’t anticipate many volunteers.
If we can see, we can use the internet and watch TV and make sure our “friends” haven’t slipped a cow ball into our bowl of beef stew. We can appreciate the beauty (or otherwise) of our surroundings, watch a baseball game on a warm June evening, and play the Wal-Mart Game.
And it’s also the one I worry about the most. My eyesight isn’t the greatest, and I’m concerned that they’ll be measuring me for a service animal in the not-too-distant future. How will I write? How will I read? I don’t have anywhere near the patience required to learn new methods.
You know how everybody who’s dealt with some sort of disability is always called “courageous?” Well, that won’t be me. My obituary will read “Later in life Jeff dealt with his blindness angrily and disgracefully, causing family members to fantasize about smothering him with a pillow. It certainly would’ve been easy to sneak up on the prick…”
So yeah, I’m quite partial to See.
Hear This is the second of the Big Two, another superpower in the world of human perception.
Hearing allows us to easily communicate with one another, enjoy music and radio programs, and submerge ourselves in the world at large. Loss of hearing, I believe, would be quite isolating, and there’s no way I’d check that box on the Give Up a Sense! card. (WTF?)
I don’t have any concerns about losing my hearing, but my ears aren’t the greatest. Oh, they function reasonably well, but they’re prone to problems. It’s something I inherited from my father, and which I’ve passed on to my own son. How cool is that?
My ears seal-off, you see, and I end up walking around in a weird fog for a few days. It’s awful, and I’ve been dealing with it all my life. My dad calls it “swimmer’s ear,” but I don’t think that’s completely accurate. I’ve been to doctors, and it has something to do with the tubing, and whatnot. Our ear tubes are a little narrower than the average, and there’s an issue with fluid…
People who don’t deal with this periodic sealing-off always believe it has something to do with earwax. “You need to have the wax blasted out of there…” they say in the tone of an expert. But they don’t know what they’re talking about, and I hate them oh so much.
Anyway… just having my hearing limited for a few days sucks more than you might think, and I’ll be holding on to this one, thank you very much. I’m quite protective of Hear.
Smell I could’ve gone without this one a couple of weekends ago, when I attended a swim meet in Wilkes-Barre. It was roughly a thousand degrees inside that facility, and somebody’s pits were alive with bacterial activity. Fizzing, in fact. Blecch.
But, on the other hand, I love the smell of cookies baking in the oven. And the way it smells outside on a spring morning. And new electronics straight out of the box. I also enjoy the smell of a recently-compressed skunk sac, while driving. What of it?
However, I consider this to be one of the lesser senses. I know a person who had brain surgery a few years ago, and claims to have lost her sense of smell, completely. It’s not ideal, she says, but it’s also not the end of the world.
This one is important, but I think it ranks far below the Big Two. Am I wrong?
Touch I’m unclear on this one. Touch? Does that mean, simply, that when you touch something with your hand or feet or whatever, you can’t feel it? Well, that would be pretty weird, but I think I could deal with it.
I’m probably missing something, but I’m going to have to choose this sense as the one I’d sacrifice. I’ve never heard of someone losing their sense of touch. Have you? Will that earn you a handicap placard? How about a telethon? I wouldn’t think so.
Help me out with this one, won’t you? It seems like a slam-dunk, so I’m probably not thinking of something important. Touch? Ha! I laugh in your face… until further notice.
Taste Are you kidding?! This is number three in my world. I mean, seriously. To never again taste a number one with cheese, no pickles, and a Coke? Shit! Will somebody please hold me?
And the golden elixir!
No way. Taste is one of my “protected players,” and everyone can just move along now. That thought needs to be perished from the world’s mind. I mean, Taste is largely responsible for me being able to maintain my powerful upper body. And that’s very important to me…
Now it’s your turn. In the comments section, please tell us which sense you’d give up, if you were forced to choose one. Also, where did I go wrong in my scientific analysis? My deep, considered analysis?
Thanks for you input on this important matter, and I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
It is my fervent hope that all reporters will remember to spring back and fall forward at the appropriate times.
Should your sink drain counter, feel free to reverse the charges.
My best as always…
My kitchen sink is built into the counter, and it has a drain. Many young pups won’t know the phrase “reverse the charges”.
I feel gypped at losing an hour of sleep tonight. DST is a hoax, a fraud and a sham. I’ll be sure to enjoy my grilled foods for the next eight months.
Then I suppose the phrase, “Go ahead, it’s your nickel” is out of the question.
I guess I was a little unclear about how to determine which way to spring and fall. Forget the counter and the sink. One should always fall forward to avoid the head injuries associated with falling backward. If you look up and can see the Southern Cross, spring ahead; if you can see the north star, spring back; if you can’t see anything because of the damn clouds you’re in the Great Pacific Northwest and springing isn’t encouraged because of all the damp surfaces. I hope this helps you determine which way to leap.
Fuck jumping rope.
Chuck in Belpre says
The exact origin of jumping rope is unclear; however, jump rope dates back all the way to the Egyptians and aborigines of Australia. The first jump ropes are said to be made of bamboo and vines found in jungles. Jumping along with these items lead to what we refer to today as jump roping. Some say it originated in China, while Western versions are said to have originated around 1600 B.C. in Egypt. The first real evidence of jump rope as an activity is seen in medieval paintings. Children rolled hoops and jumped were some of the first to jump rope in America which brought about the variation of jump rope called “Double Dutch.” In the 1940s and 1950’s jump rope became the game of choice for inner city children because any one could play and it only required a rope. The 1970s brought an increased interest to jump rope as a way to achieve physical fitness and health. Since then, jump rope events and programs have emerged and jumping rope has become part of many different exercise training regimens.
I do love the wikipedia.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’m bored waiting for the damn boxscores. 🙁
Smell for me -as long as I can still taste. The rest I think I need. I thought about hearing, since I think you could still lead a fairly good life, but then, maybe not. So if I have to pick SOMETHING – I pick smell. Damn, this is too hard of a question. Isn’t losing my youth enough?
The nurse gave him a plastic cup and pointed him towards a bathroom. “Fill it up to the line” she said. A few minutes later he came out and sat a cup of vomit on her desk. “Oh God, no, I can’t use that. I need you to fill it up from ‘down there’, understand?” He nodded and took a new cup back to the bathroom. He returned a few minutes with a cup full of feces and he put it on her desk. “Oh God, no. I need pee! Don’t you understand? I need pee!” he nodded and took another cup into the bathroom. A few minutes later he came out with a cup full of mashed potatoes. And he said, “here ya go darlin, a cup full of ‘P'” Then he walked out of the office never to be seen again. Nobody knows where he got the mashed potatoes. Nobody cares.
chad purkis says
i think i would give up either sense of smell or taste but it might seem weird but if i have to choose only one sense to keep i could not get rid of my sense of touch…. my sense of touch is so heightened that when my cat was pregnant i could feel in its womb the individual heart beats of all of the kittens no one believed me until 3 came out when i said i felt the 3 heart beats of them.